Bill Frist: Balls O' Steel

Prior to being elected to the Senate in 1994, Bill Frist was a highly respected cardiologist in Tennessee. Someone like that is obviously a well-educated, principled man of science. But when he became Senate majority leader a few year's ago, and especially after his despicable, opportunistic behavior during the Terry Schiavo circus this spring, it became clear that Frist had allowed himself to be emasculated by the Christian right. In his zeal to win over the evangelical wackos of America and use their support in a 2008 run for the presidency, Frist had apparently turned his back on science.

That's what makes today's announcement that he will support the stem cell bill currently before the Senate all the more remarkable. In so doing, Frist has told both President Bush--who continues to oppose federal funding of stem cell research--and the religious nutcases seeking to return this nation to the dark ages to go piss up a rope.

It is not yet clear what effect this break will have on Frist's quest for the Oval Office. Bush, for his part, says he respects Frist's decision, even though he probably would like to send the Senator off to Guantanamo for a few rounds with the guard dogs. And the Christian right? Well, they're understandably upset that someone would dare embrace science, when it should be perfectly obvious to everyone that diseases are caused by evil spirits and can be cured by nothing more than prayer.

Their chief argument against embryonic stem cell research is that it, well, destroys fertilized eggs. To them, that is a worse sin than allowing someone to slowly die of Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, the complications of Diabetes, or a host of other gene based diseases. What makes their opposition to such research even more mind-boggling is that these same surplus embryonic cells would otherwise be discarded--incinerated or otherwise disposed of--by fertility clinics. If they're going to be destroyed anyway, why not put them to good use, for crying out loud?

Frankly, Senator Frist, I'm impressed. It's not every day a man finds his balls again.

Space, The Final Frontier... For Glue

NASA has decided to ground the shuttle program while it yet again confronts the issue of why the fuel tank sheds insulation foam during launch. It was such a piece that struck the wing of Columbia during its January, 2003 launch and led to the craft's fiery demise two weeks later. To prevent a recurrence of that disaster, engineers at the space agency redesigned the tank, changed the composition of the foam, and came up with new techniques of applying it. The people with the fancy-schmancy PhD's vowed that the problem was solved.

So what happened during launch of Discovery earlier this week? The fuel tank was shedding foam faster than a cat sheds hair on a brand new sofa. While Discovery does not appear to have been damaged, the decision was made to postpone future missions until the issue of how to make the insulation adhere better to the tank is resolved.... Again.

Excuse me, but has anyone thought of driving over to the Cocoa Beach Wal-Mart and picking up a tube of Super Glue?

Meanwhile, astronauts already in orbit on board Discovery are conducting a six and a half hour spacewalk. Orbiting at 17,000 miles per hour, that means they will have traveled 110,500 miles during their excursion.

If you figure that the latest fitness statistics recommend we walk briskly for 2 miles three times week to maintain cardiac health, that means those lucky bastards are set for the next 18,416.666 weeks.

Accentuate The Positive

Former NFL star and Heisman Award winning homicidal maniac O.J. Simpson has been fined $25,000 by a Miami Court for pirating satellite signals. The charges stemmed from a 2001 raid on his mansion. Police at the time turned up devices used to illegally decode DirecTV signals.

It angers me that the media continues to zero on O.J.'s problems. Sure, what he did was wrong, but do people always need to focus on the man's shortcomings? Can't society and the press for once pay Mr. Simpson a complement? Or is that too much to ask? Well, I for one am going to break away from the mob and write about the positive aspects of his case.

O.J.: If you're reading this, let me be the first to congratulate you on not killing the cable guy, hacking his body into little pieces, leaving his remains on the sidewalk in a pool of blood, and leading police on a humiliating low speed car chase.

Keeping Abreast Of The News

Armed bandits in Brazil recently stole a shipment of 400 breast implants. The theft comes at the height of the country's plastic surgery season, as clients seek to take care of cosmetic surgery during the southern winter. That way, by the time the spring beach season rolls around, their new selves will be ready for public consumption. However, the criminals may not have been aware that the silicone implants carry individualized serial numbers.

No doubt the police are looking forward to checking those numbers.

Failure Is Not An Option

A British teachers union is seriously debating whether or not to replace the word "fail" with "deferred success." The concern is that "failure" could discourage students from studying harder. The term "deferred success," on the other hand could make even total nincompoops look reasonably good.

Hmmm.... Guess that means that Bush has achieved deferred success in Iraq.

Ya Gotta Love The French

French President Jacques Chirac recently said that "the only thing the British have ever given European farming is mad cow." Well, I'm on the other side of the other Atlantic, so I can't say for sure whether or not that's true.

France's contributions to Europe--indeed, the world--are beyond question, however. They have given us excellent wines, wonderful champagne, the world's finest cuisine, and all while perfecting the art of the unconditional surrender.

A Really Bad Idea

What the f--- is NASA thinking?
In what has to be the stupidest damn decision in the history of mankind--or at least the time some moron decided to invade Iraq based on faulty intelligence--NASA has decided to go ahead and launch the shuttle Discovery tomorrow. This is being done despite the fact that the problem with the fuel sensor that caused the delay in the first place remains a mystery. More importantly, they are proceeding with the launch in violation of their own safety rules. Never mind that the lives of the people on board the spacecraft are riding on this; never mind that a 4.5 billion dollar piece of equipment is at stake; and never mind that if the disaster strikes, it may well spell the end of the manned space program in this country. No, we'll go ahead and takeoff with a faulty fuel sensor.

Here's a suggestion: Take the idiots who made this decision and stick them on Discovery as well. THEN let's see if NASA is still willing to proceed with liftoff.

The danger is that even though there are four sensors, if any two of them register the hydrogen tank as empty, the engines will shut down. And if that happens while the liquid oxygen is still pumping, the whole thing will go BOOM.

Personally, if I were one of the seven astronauts on this mission, I'd go ahead and schedule an emergency root canal for tomorrow.

Pedal Power

Congratulations to Lance Armstrong, who has won his seventh consecutive Tour de France race. He had previously announced that this will be his last one as he is retiring from bicycle racing.

Thank God. There's nothing more hideous than an 82 year old guy in bicycle shorts.

Maintenance Lesson

Computers are complicated pieces of equipment. Not only do you have to worry about outside threats such as viruses, worms, hijackings, cookies, spyware, and phishing schemes, but there are constant maintenance issues as well. The obvious ones are occasionally defragging the hard drive and NOT throwing a half full glass of whiskey at the damn thing when you get pissed off.

But then there are the lesser known ones as well. For example, how many of you know to periodically clean the inside of your monitor? (Turn your sound up for this one.)

Protecting Our Children

One of the most violent video games around is Grand Theft Auto. Players routinely get shoot each other while playing, as well as innocent bystanders and cops. It also features violence against women. Despite all the controversy, it has never gotten itself banned.... Until now.

The new version, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas enables players to reward themselves by picking up hookers. This has finally gotten the game banned.

In other words, exposing young kids to gratuitous violence, murder, and mayhem is perfectly acceptable. But sex? No way. Absolutely not. We can't have that.

Thank God we have our priorities straight.

President Bush , Plagiarist?

So I'm sitting in front of the TV, flipping through the channels, which is the 21st century equivalent of a man's instinct to hunt sabre toth tigers. And so it was that I stumbled across Patriot Games, starring Harrison Ford.

Big deal, Lugosi. Why are you telling us this?

Well, because I believe I have uncovered evidence that may finally lead to Bush's downfall.

Shortly after the big out shootout scene on the London street--near the beginning of the movie--several of the terrorists are sitting in a pub discussing it. One of them is rather shocked, and fears that a direct attack on the royal family such as the one that just occurred will backfire on the IRA. The other terrorist, who actually organized the attack, says these words to his reluctant comrade: "Either you're with us or you're against us."

Sound familiar? They should, for those are the very words Bush once said when urging other nations to join us in the War on Terror. Powerful words indeed, but unfortunately lifted from a Hollywood script without proper attribution.

That's it then. Let the impeachment hearings begin!

And Probably In An Aluminum Foil Coffin

Gerry Thomas, the man who is creditted with inventing the TV dinner, has died.

He will be buried with a side of peas and carrots.

One To Beam Up

First we find out there were no weapons of mass destruction, and now we learn James "Scotty" Doohan was a freakin' Canadian!?!?! What universally held truth will be next to end up shattered upon the floor of history?