Batter Up!
I've never been much of a baseball fan, and what little I know of the game comes from repeated listenings of Meat Loaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

The Washington Senators left DC in 1971 when I was but a wee little lad. Perhaps if they hadn't departed for Texas, and I had grown up with them constantly in the news, I would feel differently about the game.

That said, I'm glad we're finally getting a team again. This city has changed a lot in the last 33 years. The DC metropolitan area is the 8th largest TV market in the nation and the biggest without a MLB team. And if a city like Cincinnati--the 33rd largest market--can have a baseball team, well by gosh, then we deserve one as well!!!!

The team still doesn't have a name, however. The name "Senators," which seems to be the top choice of most DC residents, is still controlled by the Texas Rangers. It's unclear at this point if they would be willing to relinquish control. Other suggested names that have popped up on various radio call in shows are the "Washington Monuments," the "Washington Statesmen," and the "Beltway Bandits." Personally I'd like to see them called the "Washington Money Grabbing Politicians Who Steal Our Hard Earned Money And Go Out And Hire Interns Who Can't Type Worth A Damn But Look Really Good In Kneepads."

Of course, we'd probably need bigger baseball caps.

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---------------Oliphant

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New Warnings for Florida
Astronomers have issued a warning to residents of southern Florida that Asteroid Bertha, currently a category III space rock, is expected to strike the Miami/Dade County area sometime this weekend. Beleaguered residents begin boarding up their windows.

Meanwhile, those living in the Tallahassee area are being warned to keep a wary eye on tropical meteorite Charlene, currently orbiting the Gulf of Mexico but likely to begin moving towards the Florida panhandle.

An Assteroid Kicking
Florida residents can breath a sigh of relief as Asteroid Allison has safely missed Earth.

In a related matter, Vice President Dick Cheney warns that if John Kerry is elected, mankind will be obliterated by a comet.

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One Wet Chick
Well, Jeanne certainly proved to be a wet one. The former hurricane and now tropical depression came through DC yesterday and dumped one hell of a lot of water on us. The "official" total recorded at Reagan National Airport was 2.6 inches, but areas to the west of the city were far in excess of that. For example, good ol' nearby Remington, which got hit by a tornado when Ivan's remnants rolled through the area 12 days ago, ended up with 5.6 inches yesterday. And while Jeanne was guilty of causing far more flooding than Ivan, at least she didn't drop any tornados on us.

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Ivan, as you may recall, made landfall along the Alabama/Florida border, traveled up the east coast, and went back out to sea. But it wasn't quite done yet, as the stubborn storm went south again, crossed Florida, restrengthened in the Gulf of Mexico, and hit Texas as a tropical storm this past weekend. Ivan has since rained itself out and dissipated.

And Ivan has an additional claim to fame: It's 22 day lifespan ties it with 2002's Kyle for third place on the list of longest-lived hurricanes.

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Maybe He Thought the Bottle Was the Baseball
Los Angeles center fielder Milton Bradley lost his cool last night when a fan threw a bottle at him. He left his position, picked up the bottle, and threw it back into the stands. The umpire, however, wasn't too thrilled with this new game strategy and ejected Bradley from the game.

This whole incident is unfortunate for everyone involved. But if Bradley can't control his temper, he should just get out of baseball and go back to making board games.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

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Damn Cowboys
It was a dark and dreary day in DC today, and not just because of the weather. You see, we Washington Redskins fans are usually easy to please. We don't ask for much except for our favorite them to beat the evil Dallas Cowboys whenever the two teams meet. Failing that, at least beat the bastards when they come to DC.... Especially when the game is on national freakin' TV!!!!

So what did the Redskins do last night? They lost.... To Dallas.... On Monday Night Football.... 21-18.

What's even worse, the Cowboys have now beaten us 13 of the last 14 times the two teams have met. And of the 18 times that a Bill Parcells coached team has come up against Joe Gibbs, the Parcells team has won 12.

So no, today was not a good day. Personally, I was so distraught, I considered jumping off my roof. I would have done it, too, except I'm scared of heights.

Grab Your Hardhats
Astronomers say that the Earth will pass within a million miles of a 4.6 X 2.9 kilometer asteroid this coming Wednesday morning. Despite rumors to the contrary, scientists say they are certain it will not collide with Earth. Were it do so, however, it would likely wipe out civilization, lead to the end of humanity, and throw our planet into a massive ice age lasting tens of thousands of years.

On the plus side, it would also put a stop to those asinine reality TV shows.

The way things have been going lately, though, it wouldn't surprise me if the damn thing were to hit Florida.

---------------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star Ledger

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Dear Floridians:
Congratulations!! The Sunshine State has become the first state since Texas in 1886 to be hit by four hurricanes in the same year. And these weren't puny little category 1 storms, either, but major category 3 and 4 monsters!!! This is truly something to be proud of! And in case you people haven't figured it out yet, this is God's way of warning you not to f*ck up the election again. Capeesh?

Now go clean your rooms.... Well, those of you who still have rooms, that is.

Rampant Irony
I still can't get over how Dan Rather so stupidly fell for those fake documents. What kind of idiot would do such a thing?

Rather's failures are absolutely inexcusable. Why, the only thing that could possibly be any worse would be the President of the United States falling for forged documents and using them as a basis to launch a war!

Come to think of it, why doesn't CBS do a story on that?!?



P.S.
Thanks to Solar for the link.

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---------------Wiley, Non Sequitor

Did She or Didn't She?
The funny thing is that this cartoon ran in the paper on Tuesday, and it wasn't until today that we learned that there's no marriage license to go with Britney and Whathisname's wedding.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Hmmm.... Guess Dan Rather isn't that big a dope after all!

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Risen from the Dead
You remember those Friday the 13th movies? They had this guy Jason, who, no matter how many times was killed off, kept coming back.

Well, that's what our old friend Hurricane Ivan is like. He came ashore last Wednesday night in Alabama, came up the east coast, dumped ridiculous amounts of rain over a dozen states, caused a near-record outbreak of tornados in Virginia, and then went out to sea to die in the chilly waters of the north Atlantic.

Downtown Warrenton last Friday, about 2-3 miles from where I live.

Only he didn't.

It seems Ivan looped back down south, crossed over Florida as a rainstorm, and re-formed in warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico. Meteorologists say that while this is certainly unusual, it's not entirely unheard of. And while the storm's winds are a mere fraction of what it was packing last week, it is expected to be a heavy rain producer for Texas and Louisiana.

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the Bush administration declined to speculate on who was responsible for this colossal intelligence failure.

And It Itches, Too
One side effect of the CBS memo fiasco is that people who write weblogs are being taken more seriously. After all, it was bloggers who first raised questions about the authenticity of the documents.

Still, certain elements of the "mainstream media" are slow to catch on to our influence. One CBS executive went as far as to say that bloggers are "loners who sit home alone in pajamas and spin fantastic tales." Needless to say, he said that BEFORE Memogate blew up Dan Rather's face.

Quite frankly, I am deeply offended by that network official's comment. It is sadly indicative of the stereotyped views many people not only in journalism but throughout society in general have of bloggers. The attitude is sickening, and it's time I did my part to correct such narrow minded ideas.

Granted, I do occasionally come up with fantastic tales. And yes, I do live alone. But to imply that I sit in front of this computer in my pajamas all day long is just plain wrong.

---------------Oliphant

I don't wear pajamas.



P.S.
And quite frankly, this leather chair is making my butt squeak.

Dan Rather Is Such a Putz

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

I was happier than a pig in poop last week when CBS unveiled those documents about the President's National Guard service. And when the critics began to pile, I remained confident that they would be proven to be genuine. After all, we're talking about CBS News, Dan Rather, and the producers of 60 Minutes. Surely such a group of respected journalists wouldn't have jeopardized their hard earned reputations by doing a story based on phony documents!!

Man, was I wrong!!! I haven't felt this duped since the time some idiot convinced me we were invading Iraq because they had weapons of mass destruction.

The real victim in this little fiasco is a silly little concept called The Truth. At this point, even if the REAL memos did surface tomorrow, no one would believe them.

And does the truth of what happened 30 years ago really matter today? Only to the extent that if the Bush people want to question John Kerry's war record, then I think their own man's credentials need to be scrutinized as well. Lord knows there are a number of unanswered questions that even Bush himself has declined to shed light on.

---------------Tom Toles, The Washington Post

But what this campaign really needs to be about is the President's record of the past 3 1/2 years, the present situation in Iraq, and the future of our nation. Kerry needs to start talking about Bush's own "flip-flopping." For starters, he needs to remind Americans that Bush initially opposed establishing a department of Homeland Security, then turned around and supported it. And how Bush opposed the creation of an independent panel to examine the 9/11 attacks and the shortcomings that allowed it, then decided to support it. And how last fall Bush opposed extending the life of that Commission, then gave in to pressure from the 9/11 families and allowed it. And how the administration wasn't going to allow Condi Rice to testify, then gave in and allowed it. And how Bush is now suddenly embracing the recommendations of the very same Commission he initially opposed.

And on the subject of Iraq, Kerry needs to remind the people of this country of what Bush said to the insurgents last summer: "Bring them on!!" Since then, over 800 American soldiers have died in that god forsaken patch of sand and almost 7000 have been wounded. And for what? To overthrow a dictator? Big freaking whoop! Saddam wasn't a threat. We already had him contained with no-fly zones over both the northern third of Iraq and the southern third. And granted, it did take a helluva lot of pressure, but weapons inspectors finally had a free reign to do their jobs.

And now we're asked to believe that we're safer than we were three years ago? How can that be when the guy that killed 3000 Americans on 9/11 is still out there, and apparently itching to inflict even more damage on us with a new, "spectacular" attack?

Good Taste or Tastes Good?

Two of my favorite shows won big at the this year's Emmy Awards. This means either that I have impeccable taste, or that civilization has finally sunk to my level.

I love The Sopranos, and it won for best drama. Several cast members also won individual awards. Incidentally, for anyone who wants to catch the series from the beginning, HBO2 will begin showing the series from the very beginning next Monday. They're doing one episode every weeknight, so set your TiVo's now.

But the one that surprised me--and evidently surprised a lot of people--was the winner for best comedy: Arrested Development. This is a show that almost wasn't renewed because of its poor ratings. And that would have been a damn shame, because it was easily one of the funniest things on network TV the past year.

The basic storyline is that the patriarch of a very rich family has been jailed for looting the family business. Meanwhile, you have his spoiled wife is suddenly forced to do without many of the luxuries she's grown accustomed to. He also has three sons--two of whom are completely dysfunctional--and a daughter. The oldest son, Michael, is possibly the most normal of the clan. Not only is he now charged with running the company, he has to try to keep the family together while at the same time enduring the manipulations of his mother. There's a lot of quick jokes and flashbacks, which often set the stage for another joke later on.

One thing that may confuse some people: There's no laugh track. I suspect a lot of viewers have a problem with that.

Thank God They're Heterosexuals

In what can only be described as a giant leap forward for family values, Britney Spears married her latest husband Saturday evening. The wedding came as something of surprise since it wasn't expected for another month or two. Family members were aghast, industry observers were left stunned, paparazzi were caught offguard, and even the Iraqi insurgency was momentarily disrupted as the news swept the world.

The ceremony took place at approximately 7:30 PM. If the happy couple is still married at 2:30 AM Tuesday, it will be a new record for Miss Spears.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Generous to a Fault

Sure, if you look at the score of yesterday's game against the Giants, it certainly looks like the 'Skins lost 20-14. But appearances can be deceiving.

You see, Redskins coach Joe Gibbs is well known for his generosity off the field. Unfortunately, sometimes that need to give back to the community extends onto the football field, and that's exactly what happened with New York. How else can one explain seven freaking turnovers in a single game except as a profound act of selflessness? So you see, technically the Redskins did not lose that game; They gave it away.

No doubt they'll be deducting it from their tax returns next April.

Next Monday night they'll be playing the evil Dallas Cowboys on national TV, and there had damn well better not be any acts of charity performed during the game.

---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post Intelligencer

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Auntie Em!! Auntie Em!!
First off, let me say that we got off easy compared to what people to our south have gone through. That said, things got very exciting around here yesterday afternoon and evening.

The first tornado warning was issued around 3 PM for the area around Remington, VA (that's where the accompanying photo was taken). Remington also happens to be about 15 miles from me. One of the local stations aired a video that a homeowner there took of the approaching twister. You can hear the guy's wife screaming in the background as he stands in his front door taping it. Then right about the time the house across the street started coming apart, the couple decided to get the hell down into the basement. They made it just before their own house was demolished. This of course raises a question: Why do some morons insist on standing out in the open with a camera when nature's full fury is bearing down upon them? Apparently, this is a rather common trait (and there are comments there despite the "0 comments" line). On the other hand, I've never personally witnessed a tornado, so I'm not sure HOW I would react.... Aside from shit my shorts, I mean.

Things quickly went downhill from there, and for the next several hours there were multiple warnings in effect at any given time.

Other twisters hit a number of other areas to the west and south of DC. One of the more dramatic ones was a funnel cloud that passed over Dulles Airport. You know how they always tell you to stay away from windows during a tornado?Well, I don't know how many of you are familiar with the main terminal at Dulles, but trying to avoid a window in that place is like trying to avoid a carbomb in Baghdad.

Needless to say, there was a mad scramble to get down to the lower level of the building.

After narrowly missing the airport, the twister did finally touch down. This was actually a good thing, since it hit the AOL office complex a few miles away and damaged several buildings. One can only conclude that Ivan was not a fan of wildly overpriced dialup internet service.

Things finally began to settle down by 9 PM, and today has turned out to be rather nice--and a helluva lot calmer.

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---------------Walt handelsman, Newsday

Spin Masters
Hurricane Ivan (or at least what's left of the monster storm) is beginning to make its prescence felt in the DC area. As of about 4 PM there were three active tornado warnings west of the city, and new ones were popping up as quickly as insurgencies in Iraq.

Is That a Checkbook in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

One of the oldest and most venerable financial institutions in DC is Riggs National Bank. A number of US Presidents, including Abraham Lincoln, have had checking accounts there, and Riggs financed the US government's purchase of Alaska back in 1868. It's motto even used to be "Right on the money," because it used to appear on the back of the OLD ten dollar bill (Don't believe me? Find an older ten spot--one with the smaller portrait of Alexander Hamilton--and you'll see a picture of the US Treasury from down the street. Just behind it, poking out from around the corner, is another building. That's a Riggs branch).

Lately though, Riggs' once bright star has faded. The bank's sale to PNC out of Pittsburgh is expected to be finalized some time in the next few months. Meanwhile, Riggs officials are under investigation for money laundering on behalf of a number of foreign embassies and dictatorships.

Now former Senator and one time presidential candidate Bob Dole's name has gotten caught up in this quagmire. Federal investigators have discovered that once a week, one of Mr. Dole's assistants shows up to withdraw $8,000 cash for him. There is nothing necessarily wrong with this activity, but it has prompted the creation of a suspicious activity report.

This really shouldn't surprise anyone, though. It has long been rumored among DC's power elite that Mr. Dole is nursing a thousand dollar a day Viagra habit.

And quite frankly, I think he's been faking that whole arm thing, too.

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Bang, Bang
In a controversial move, Congress has allowed a ten year old ban on assault weapons to expire. Predictably, the NRA says this is a good thing, since apparently many sportsmen prefer hunting wascally wabbits with submachine guns. In contrast, many liberal groups are up in arms (figuratively speaking, of course) over the matter and would prefer to see the ban continue.

But anyone with any sense can see that the average homeowner needs heavy firepower to defend his property. In fact, the nation is fortunate that George W. Bush moved so swiftly to neutralize the immediate threat posed by Iraq. Had Saddam been allowed to launch his invasion of the United States--details of which will soon be revealed by Dick Cheney--average Americans would have been powerless to defend their homes. And then where would we be?

But if we issue machine guns to every man, women and child (Well, the Republican ones, at least) we'll be able to defend ourselves against foreign hordes when they storm our beaches.... Especially those Lithuanians. They're all cocky after beating our basketball team at the Olympics, and will probably be coming after our women beach volleyball players any day now.

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Batter Up
Personally, I'm not much of a baseball fan. In fact, I am in 100% agreement with Robin Williams' opinion that the game is five minutes of excitement crammed into three hours. Who wants to pay good money to watch a bunch of guys stand around scratching their nuts? Hell, I can do that at home for free by standing in front of a mirror. In fact, I often do.

Last night, however, a game between the Oakland A's and the Texas Rangers took an ugly turn when one of the Ranger pitchers--apparently upset by taunts from the California fans--heaved a chair into the stands. Two people were injured in the sudden, unexpected eruption of violence.

Hmmm.... Perhaps there's hope for baseball yet!

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

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Good Links
If you've ever wondered what makes a hurricane tick, the Washington Post had a pretty good article on the subject today. It's not terribly long, and yet goes into the mechanics of it in easy to understand language. Hell, even I could follow it!

And speaking of stormy hot air, controversy continues to swirl around the National Guard memos that CBS news reported on last week. Some experts are claiming they're fake, others are saying that they may be real because certain IBM typewriters did produce the fonts in question in the early '70's. At any rate, USAToday had a pretty good roundup of the latest facts and opinions from both sides.

But here's a question to consider: IF they are in fact fake, why hasn't the President stepped forward to say that they are? Instead the White House continues to give a variation of the "I have no recollection of the events in question" response that politicians so often fall back on.

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Welcome Back, Joe
Generally speaking, Washington is a rather transient town, and loyalties are only as good as the latest poll numbers. But for longtime DC residents, there has been one constant in our lives, and it has nothing to do with Republicans, or Democrats, or Presidents, or Swift Boat Veterans for Bald Faced Lies. And that one island of continuity in a sea of constant change is the Washington Redskins.

That's why it's hard to overstate the esteem with which the name Joe Gibbs is held in this town. The man not only won three Super Bowls back in the '80's, he did with three different quarterbacks--the only NFL coach to ever do that. And when he retired back in 1993, well, people were sorry to see him go. But life goes on, right?

Well, only theoretically. During those intervening years, the Skins slipped deeper and deeper into an abyss of darkness and obscurity. The team went through a change of ownership, five head coaches, ten losing seasons, and only one playoff appearance. Even worse, we lost to the evil Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day of 2001.

And so it was that with each passing season the despair of Redskins fans deepened while the Legend of Joe Gibbs grew.

Consequently, when it was announced last winter that Gibbs was coming out of retirement, this town went nuts. Forget homeland insecurity, the presidential race, and all the pettiness that so pervades politics in DC: Coach Joe was back.

And it's not just that the man is a football genius. It's also that he is so incredibly humble and nice and understated that you want to heave your guts all over the screen of your brand new plasma HDTV. If only the people running our nation were this nice, the world would be a better place.

Thus it was only fitting that Gibbs would win his first regular season game back in the saddle.... And that it would the team's 500th franchise victory.... And that it would be his 125th career win as a head coach.

Yes, it was a close, hard-fought game. And yes, the season is young. And yes, we might well end up losing the remaining 15 games. But for now, all is right in the world of Redskins fans.