Roseanne Arnold kisses Mariel Hemingway on national TV. This makes both Tom Arnold AND Kim Silva jealous.

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March 2
Evidence continues to mount that North Korea has obtained The Bomb. Executives at Fox TV say that's impossible because they destroyed all tapes of the old Chevy Chase Show.

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March 3
Yet another winter storm paralyzes the east coast. The mob holding Willard Scott tries to hang him but the rope keeps breaking under the weight.

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March 4
The final credits roll for John Candy.

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March 5
Four suspects in last year's World Trade Center bombing are found guilty by a jury in New York city. Ryder reports a surge in van rentals while radical militant Islamic terrorists riot in South Central LA.

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March 7
The navy announces that 60 women are being assigned to the crew of the USS Dwight Eisenhower, which will soon be renamed the USS Mamie Eisenhower.

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March 9
Allegations surface that Hillary Clinton ordered the destruction of documents related to the Whitewater investment deal, leading some critics to dub her "The Shredder."
In response, Lorena Bobbitt sues her for trademark infringement.

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March 7
Goofy appears on the Sally Jesse Raphael Show. He reveals that he and Micky Mouse have a "special relationship."

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March 12
The Maryland section of the Capital Beltway develops a 12 mile long pothole. This causes a 367 mile backup on the Wilson Bridge.

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March 13
North Korea agrees to an arms-for-toys deal. For each nuclear warhead they turn in, the communist dictatorship will receive a $50 Toys R Us gift certificate.

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March 14
If he were still alive, today would be Albert Einstein's 115th birthday. Unless, of course, he had spent his entire lifetime traveling at the speed of light, in which case he would still be only 3 1/2.

But you already knew that, didn't you?

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March 16
In a deal with prosecutors in Portland, Tonya Harding fesses up to her role in the attack on Nancy Kerrigan. This shocks every American who believed in her innocence--both of them. In a joint statement they say that they are praying for another celebrity to commit a heinous crime of which he is so obviously guilty that only a total moron would continue to believe in his or her innocence, so that they can continue to believe in his or her innocence.

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March 17
Executives from several tobacco companies testify that they've never seen any conclusive evidence that smoking is harmful. They manage to do this while keeping a straight face.

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March 20
It's the first day of spring. The mob holding Willard Scott releases its hostage.

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March 22
Someone on the Maryland section of the Capital Beltway sneezes. This causes a 97 mile backup on the Wilson Bridge.

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March 25
The US Postal Service announces that it is dropping the two day guarantee on Priority Mail. It will instead offer a "several weeks or so delivery, unless we leave it on the back of a truck for six months until we stumble aacross it again" guarantee.

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March 26
First Brother Roger Clinton and Molly Martin wed Tom and Roseanne Arnold. Roseanne is the first to kiss the new Mrs. Clinton.

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March 27

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March 28
The White House, in an effort to put Whitewater rumors to rest, announces that it is releasing the 1977-79 tax returns of Socks the cat.

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March 30
North Korean dictator Kim Il Jung, upset that Toys R Us is sold out of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, threatens to obliterate Japan.

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March 31
True--Michael Faye, an American teenager living in Singapore, is convicted of several acts of vandalism. His sentence includes six lashes with a wwet rattan cane on the bare buttocks, also known as "caning."

Meanwhile, former Dallas Cowboys offensive Cowboys coordinator Norv Turner is sworn in as the Redskins' 19th head coach. He promises that the next season will be much better than the last one.

There are those who suspect he's actually a mole still on the Cowboys' payroll.

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February 2
Punxsutawny Phil the groundhog emerges from the ground and sees his shadow, signaling another six weeks of winter. The hopeful crowd, weary of snow, ice, below zero windchills, and rolling blackouts turns into an ugly mob and storms the clueless rodent's burrow. Lorena Bobbitt suddenly shows up, and Phil is soon shishkabob.

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February 4
President Clinton lifts the 19 year old trade embargo against Vietnam. Oliver Stone condemns the move as part of a sinister conspiracy and promises to expose it as such in his next movie.

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February 7
UPS increases its maximum weight per package to 150 lbs. John Bobbitt welcomes the news, saying he'll use UPS the next time he needs to ship parts.

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February 8
Lorena accuse John of "wishful thinking."

Meanwhile, in L.A., Jack Nicholson takes up windshield golfing while sitting at a red light.

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February 10
Jack Kent Cooke announces he's leaving Marlena and building a new wife in Laurel, MD.

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February 11
Today's weather forecast is for a winter mix of snow, sleet, and rain. The DC area instead gets a trail mix of peanuts, raisins, sunflower seeds, and those dried up banana slices. Meteorologists blame it on a shipping error.

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February 12
The 1994 Winter Olympics gets underway in Li'l Abner, Norway. The US is heavily favored to win several gold medals, especially in the newly created "Breaking Your Opponent's Kneecaps" competition.

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February 13
A National Association of Meteoroloists SWAT team cancels a commando raid to free Willard Scott. Despite hours of planning, the best they could agree on was a 60% chance of success with partial clearing in the afternoon.

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February 14

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February 15
Tonya Harding departs for the Olympics. The Portland Airport is forced to bring in extra metal detectors to handle her entourage.

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February 16
The Olsen twins complete a 10.1 billion dollar deal to purchase Paramount Entertainment. Afterwards their parents take them out for ice cream.

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February 17
A Current Affair airs a videotape obtained from Greenpeace showing Tonya Harding clubbing baby seals.

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February 18
The US fails to win any medals in the pairs skating competition. Tonya Harding promises to steal one.

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February 19
Coverage of the Olympics continues to be plagued by mysterious, annoying ads in which Dan Rather and Connie Chung speak of their "special relationship" on the CBS vening News.

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February 20
In the Li'l Abner games, an escapee from a DC halfway house wins the gold medal in bailjumping. Curiously, he fails to show up for the awards ceremony.

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February 21

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February 22
FBI agents arrest Aldrich Ames--a CIA employee--on charges of espionage. His superiors at the Agency became suspicious when Ames began showing off his new gold card from Spies R Us.

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February 23
Another attempt by the National Association of Meterologists to free Willard Scott fails when it unexpectedly snows.

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February 24
Dinah Shore goes to see heaven in a Chevrolet.

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February 25
In the Olympic games, it's time for the Women's figure skating finals. Nancy Kerrigan wins the Silver after Tonya Harding becomes confused and ends up clubbing herself in the knee.

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February 28
While appearing in a parade at Disneyworld, Nancy Kerrigan calls the event "corny" and says she feels silly riding on a float.

In a related development, Micky Mouse confides that sometimes, when no one's looking, he likes to feel Goofy.

It was a truly amazing year. From the zany hijinks of Tonya Harding to the wacky antics of O.J. Simpson, it was 12 months best spent hiding under your bed. And for those of you who did, here is a chronology of what you missed. As for the rest of you, will, this can serve as a cruel reminder.

Some of the year's events were major, others were minor, but they all served to shape our nation, our world, and our very lives. And yes, this is similar to the one Dave Barry does every year but with one important difference: Mine is bigger.

With that in mind, let's take one final look back at....

1994:The Year of the Bronco

January 1
Cesar "The Joker" Romero has his last laugh.

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January 04
After losing 12 games during the past season, the Redskins go on lose to their head coach.

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January 05,
Former Speaker of the House Tip O'Neil goes to the big subcommittee in the sky.

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January 10
Lorena Bobbitt's trial on charges of throwing her husband's manhood out the window of a moving vehicle opens in Manassas, VA.

And in international news, President Clinton travels to Europe. Upon meeting German Chancelor Helmut Kohl for the first time, Clinton tells the rotund German leader he looks like a Sumo wrestler.

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January 11
Germany declares war on the United States.

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January 12
France surrenders.

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January 13
National figure skating champion Tonya Harding's bodyguard and two others are arrested for an attack on rival skater Nancy Kerrigan. The trio tells the judge that they were trying to change a flat, and Kerrigan's knee got in the way of the lug wrench.

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January 14
President Clinton and Russian President Boris Yeltsin sign an agreement to stop targetting nuclear missiles at each other's countries and instead aim them at open stretches of ocean.

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January 15
The ambassador from Atlantis files a formal protest with the United Nations.

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January 17
A massive earthquake rocks southern California. Seismologists trace the epicenter to Tom and Roseanne Arnold's bedroom.

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January 18
Buffetted by constant criticism for being even shorter than Ross Perot, Bobby Ray Inman withdraws his nomination for Secretary of Defense. The New York Times, for one, denies there was a conspiracy, adding that the "great media cabal are in agreement that the little squirt should have stood on a phone book" while making the announcement.

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January 19

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January 20
Much of the Midwest and east coast remain in the grip of subzero weather with wind chills of minus 50 or more. Some power companies resort to rolling blackouts while others threaten to send Roseanne to the homes of people who don't voluntarily lower their thermostats.

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January 21
While women's groups hail the surprisingly swift "not guilty" verdict in the Lorena Bobbitt trial, the three male members of the jury undergo some sort of "emergency reattachment" surgery at a local hospital.

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January 22
Telly Savalas has his last lollipop.

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January 23
Mobs take to the streets, riots rock major US cities, and vigilante justice squads terrorize the countryside as a stunned nation struggles to deal with the realization that the Buffalo Bills are in the Super Bowl yet again.

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January 24
John Madden signs with Fox TV Sports. His $32 million contract contains a provision that can call is sick whenever the Buffalo Bills make it to the Super Bowl.

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January 26
A somber President Clinton, in his State of the Union address, calls on the Buffalo Bills to "do the right thing" and voluntarily withdraw from future Super Bowls.

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January 27
Tonya Harding offers to have her bodyguards bash several Bills players on their knees in exchange for a gold medal.

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January 28
Yet another winter storm paralyzes the east coast. An angry mob storms the set of the Today show and takes Willard Scott hostage.

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January 30
In a surprise move, the Bills lose to the Cowboys in the Super Bowl. Confused viewers wonder if they're watching a live broadcast, or a rerun of last year's game.

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January 31
The Chicago White Sox deny rumors that Michael Jackson plans to try out for the team. Says an amused White Sox spokesman, "That's about as likely as a Heisman trophy winning football star turned TV announcer killing his ex-wife."