Rewriting the Rules

Let me first admit to the world that I, a 51 year old male, have watched the first two 'Twilight' movies. Purely out of curiosity, you understand. I was a huge 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and 'Angel' fan, and I love 'True Blood.' (The show, not the drink). I enjoy Stephen King and am currently reading the fifth 'Harry Potter' book. Naturally enough I figured 'Twilight' would be right up my alley.

Boy, was I wrong. First of all, the 'Twilight' vampires have absolutely no problem exposing themselves to direct sunlight. They just, well, sparkle. No pain, no death. What the freakin' frack is that about?!?! Everyone knows sunlight is supposed to make bloodsuckers burst into flame! Remember when Godric went up to the roof in last season's 'True Blood' to wait for the sunrise? Yeah, I freely admit to crying.

And the same with the vamps in 'Buffy.' First they'd start to smolder, then they'd scream like little girls and burst into flames. Even Angel, who was a good vampire with a soul, couldn't handle sunlight.

After hundreds of years of vampire stories, everyone by now knows how to kill a vampire, right? Drive a stake through his heart. That useful tip has been ingrained into the collective psyche of the entire human race. And it worked wonders for Buffy. Heck, in her case, anything wooden would do, be it a broom handle or a chair leg.

But is tradition good enough for 'Twilight?' No, of course not. Forget those trusty stakes. The only way to kill a vampire in the 'Twilight' movies is to literally tear him or her apart and scatter the resulting pieces all over the house.

Of course, this means that if you ever encounter a vampire in real life and are engaged in a desperate struggle to save your life, you'll need to identify which species of vampire you're up against: Traditional or Twilight. Guess wrong, and you can kiss your precious hemoglobin goodbye.

And then there are the werewolves introduced in the second installment of 'Twilight.' What the hell was up with them? First, it's a hereditary trait that manifests itself during puberty, like pubic hair. And they can transform at will, even during daylight, regardless of the moon cycle. And they're not just mindless homicidal creatures; they can still recognize their human friends.

Remember Buffy's friend Oz? He was a werewolf. A traditional werewolf who only transformed during the full moon.... And would eat his best friend in a heartbeat. Most importantly, the dude ALWAYS wore a shirt.

But no, not in 'Twilight.' For some odd reason, those werewolves never wear a shirt when in human form. It can be ten freakin' degrees below zero in a howling blizzard, and they still won't wear a shirt. Oh, and when they transform into werewolves, their pants just disappear. They don't get taken off or shredded. They just kind of magically disappear. Oh, and when the werewolf transforms back into human form, the pants just reappear. Why? Well, aside from avoiding a PG-13 rating, I mean.

Hell, even The Hulk had the decency to always wear trousers. And when he calmed down and transformed back into Bruce Banner, he'd still be wearing them.... Tattered, of course, but at least they weren't magic pants.

Rekindle Your Patriotism

Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New Verses

Toy Wire

I've often wondered what would happen if you crossed HBO's 'The Wire' with Pixar's 'Toy Story.' Well, now I know.

Vaginal Birth vs. the Stork Hypothesis

Does This Qualify as a Miracle?

A well known 60 foot statue of Jesus was struck by lightning last week. The ensuing blaze destroyed the statue, which had been nicknamed 'Touchdown Jesus' by heathens because of its upraised arms.... Which apparently didn't function very well as lightning rods.

BP Launches Impressive New Ad Campaign

AMEN!!!!

Probe This

If everything goes to plan, in a few hours time the Japanese space probe Hayabusa will be landing in Australia. It will be a significant scientific development, because the craft will be returning with a sample from an asteroid. And while we Earthbound humans can study meteorites that fall from the sky, this will be mankind's first opportunity to study a sample that has not been affected by the fiery heat of a plunge through our atmosphere.

Of course, there's also the slight possibility that the sample will spawn a giant shape shifting gelatinous creature that devours humans whole, but that's about as likely as an oil well experiencing an uncontrolled blowout a mile beneath the ocean's surface.

It's Never too Late to Pick on George W. Bush

I have the perfect compromise: Let's use tax dollars to kill all the sick people. That should make everyone happy!!!!

Judgment Day

A look at some of the events of the past several weeks can only lead to one conclusion: Judgment Day is upon us.

No, no. I don't mean the Judgment Day from the Bible. Please. Give me some credit. I'm more likely to start quoting excerpts from the Harry Potter books before I start spouting the make-believe stuff from the Bible.

Rather, I'm referring to Judgment Day as defined by the Terminator movies: A rebellion by the very machines mankind has created. Before you doubt me and begin casting doubt on my theories, take a look at the evidence.

First, we have the allegations of unintended acceleration by Toyotas. While some such incidents may be dismissed as human error (oops, wrong pedal kind of stuff), not all of it can be explained away so quickly. There is evidence that there is some sort of glitch in the cars' software that is causing these vehicles to kill their owners.

Then we had the big stock market upheaval a few weeks ago. No one seems quite sure what initially triggered the big sell off, but it's clear that something caused the computers to take over and begin dumping shares by the millions.

And do I need to bring up the BP spill? Sure, it looks like an accident, but was it really? Quite a coincidence that multiple fail-safe devices failed simultaneously. And let's face the ugly truth: By definition, "fail-safe" devices aren't supposed to fail. Something is preventing those various cutoff valves 5000 feet below the ocean's surface to not work properly. Could it be a self-aware malevolent entity contained within the electronics of the fail-safe device?

Finally, have you heard about the out of control communications satellite in orbit over Earth at this very moment? Yes, a satellite intended to broadcast shows back to our TVs has gone more rogue than Sarah Palin ever did. Sure, satellites die all the time. It happens. But at least when they die, they're never heard from again.

What's most bizarre about this latest technological marvel run amok is that while scientists on Earth have lost control of its orbit, it continues to transmit TV signals like any normal satellite would be expected to do. The danger is that as it drifts pasts normally functioning satellites, it may override their signals, creating havoc on Earth just as Sookie takes off her top on the next episode of "True Blood."

What's next? Nuclear missiles launching themselves? Mr. Coffees lacing our morning brews with arsenic? I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm moving to the sewers where it's safe.

Why I Don't Believe in Cupboards

Making the Best of a Bad Situation

BP's new public relations campaign leaves a little something to be desired.

Oil's Well That Ends Well

Good news!! The Coast Guard has finally removed 10,000 gallons of oil from a ship that wrecked in Alaska in 1952.

Let's see.... 59 years to clean up 10,000 gallons.... If such efficiency can be demonstrated in the efforts to clean up the four million gallons spilled thus far in the BP accident, that should be cleaned up in, um, damn, my calculator only goes up to eight digits.

Having It Both Ways

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal and other Republican governors along the Gulf coast are criticizing what they see as the Federal government's slow response to the Big Spill.

Hmmm.... NOW they suddenly want a strong central government? What happened to all that crap about states rights? Even worse, doesn't the expectation that the government is somehow supposed to step in and clean up a mess created by private industry amount to--GASP!--SOCIALISM!?!?!?

Or is socialism bad only when it's someone ELSE that needs government help?