Never Call Teabaggers 'Retarded'

I've previously compared the tea party to the mentally challenged, then found myself having to apologize for offending the mentally challenged by comparing them to teabaggers. It thus comes as great relief that I'm not the only one who has run into this situation.

That Eve Chick Sure Is Hot!

Damn That Lincoln

Today was DC Emancipation Day, marking the day President Abraham Lincoln issued a decree freeing all the slaves within the District of Columbia. Lincoln was the nation's 16th President and is unanimously reviled by patriotic Americans for constantly infringing on states' rights.

In an unrelated matter, Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell declared today a day of mourning and ordered all flags statewide to be flown at half-staff.

Northern Virginia:A Wretched Hive of Scum and Villiany

A couple of years ago a "pro-life" pharmacy opened with much fanfare in Chantilly, VA. The grand opening ceremonies even featured a priest sprinkling holy water around the store. It was intended as a refuge for those who preferred to do their shopping in a temptation/sin free zone. No porn magazines, no condoms, no makeup, no birth control pills, and no fun of ANY kind! Even the pharmacists would be of the highest moral caliber, refusing to dispense such devil's playthings as morning after pills.

Well, the marketplace has spoken and the Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy has gone out of business. Turns out they weren't making any money!!! Not surprising, if you think about it. With no kiddie porn available, there was no reason for even priests to keep coming by.

The President of Divine Mercy Care blames the fact that a regular full service drug store and a K-Mart with a pharmacy were within easy walking distance. Apparently those stores appeal more to the godless heathens and harlots that populate Chantilly.

Hitler Weighs in on Health Care Reform

Groping for the Truth

Click here for the story.

Up, Up, and.... Still Up

If I ever find myself with an erection lasting four hours, I'd be more concerned about dying from carpal tunnel syndrome than anything else.

Proud to Be a Tumor on Society's Ass

Fox commentator Glenn Beck says that progressives are a cancer eating away at America.

Perhaps Beck should keep in mind that if it weren't for progressives, women still wouldn't have the right to vote, African-Americans still would still be drinking from separate (but equal) water fountains, and America would still be a British colony.

On the other hand, Sarah Palin would just be a housewife in Alaska, so maybe the man has a valid point.

Apparently the Führer is none too happy with Apple. Good thing Steve Jobs isn't Jewish or he'd REALLY be in trouble!

Explosive Humor

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.

'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21.'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'

'He's a martyr, too,' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,' she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

----From an email

Famous Last Words

Getting Your Space Rocks Off

A couple of weeks ago a small meteorite crashed the roof of a doctors' office in Lorton, Virginia. Though the building was occupied, no one was hurt, but several people no doubt had to change their shorts afterwards. Feeling magnanimous, the doctors decided to donate the space rock to the Smithsonian Institution.

Not so fast, said the building's landlord. It's their building, so the meteorite is theirs as well.

But has anyone bothered to think of the poor meteorite? The little fellow has been around since a cloud of interstellar dust first coalesced 4.5 billion years ago. Shunned by all the other asteroids who got together to form the various planet, this little guy stayed by himself. He probably watched in fascination as the first single cell lifeforms formed in the primordial ooze of Earth. No doubt marveled as those same cells combined, grew, evolved, and eventually crawled onto land. Probably cried when his much bigger brother smashed into that same Earth and wiped out the dinosaurs. Watched in awe as man began venturing from his home world. Finally, tired of being a bystander for all these eons, he decides to visit Earth in person and introduce himself. And what happens? He ends up as exhibit A on a freakin' courtroom table.

What a pisser of an ending.

When the Saints Come Marching in

Shortly after hurricane Katrina hit the gulf coast in 2005, several religious leaders said that the storm was God's way of punishing New Orleans for its loose morals. If we accept that theory as being true, what are we to make of the Saints' first ever trip to the Super Bowl? Wouldn't their victory in yesterday's NFC championship game also then be a manifestation of God's will?

Clearly God has loosened up over the last four and a half years. Not only does He no longer hold a grudge against the people of New Orleans, but by delivering victory to the city's NFL team, it is now obvious that the lord almighty specifically endorses the homosexual lifestyle and sexual debauchery for which the city is so well known.

I wonder if any ministers will be preaching THAT this coming Sunday.

Amen

Haiti Earthquake Reactions

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Making the Passing of 2009 Official

Here's the WaPo's annual In & Out List.

Also, Dave Barry's Lowlights of a Downer Year.

When Life Throws You a Cork,Drink the Champagne!