Just For Kicks

This week saw the arrival of Beckham and his wife Posh Spice in California. There has been a lot of media coverage of this event, and Beckham is being touted as the savior of soccer in the United States.

Let's settle that argument now: Regardless of what the rest of the world thinks about the sport, Americans find soccer.... Boring. Sorry, but that's the truth. Even the success of the Women's soccer team back in the '90's--featuring hot chicks running around in shorts--didn't turn the public's opinion of soccer around. The league eventually went bankrupt.

Yeah, yeah, I know that the rest of the world considers soccer to be the most exciting sport in the known universe. But the rest of the world has also periodically been conquered by Japan and Germany, so so much for the rest of the world's credibility.

Beckham is somehow expected to change that? I think not. Most Americans don't know who he is. That won't change unless he does something like climb into the stands and beat up a heckler, takes up steroids, kills his wife, or starts a dogfighting ring.

And if we start deporting all the illegal aliens, that will eliminate the few fans soccer does have in the United States. Beckham's going to feel kind of silly playing in an empty stadium.

And what's the deal with his Spice Girl wife? There was a special on NBC earlier this week intended to introduce her to America, and it bombed in the ratings. Again, not surprising, since no one knows who she is. In fact, it's kind of a Catch-22 for her: No one watched her show because no one knows who she is, which is why she did the show in the first place.

Posh needs to adopt some of the traits that we Americans love in our native celebrities: Climb in & out of limos while not wearing underwear, go out clubbing till 4 A.M., get a DUI, and check into a rehab clinic for a month. Hell, even if she doesn't have a drinking problem, she should pretend to have one. And maybe bribe a judge into making her wear an ankle bracelet.

Oh, and dump that stupid soccer player husband.

A Snortin' Good Time

There are those among us who would argue that this movie doesn't actually exist. To them I say it is every bit as real as Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.

Hmmm.... I wonder if the release date is 01-18-08?

Hypocrisy Alert

You gotta love the Republicans. They're always talking about things like "family values" and "the sanctity of marriage." One of the chief practitioners of such self-righteous blather has been Senator David Vitter of Louisiana.

While Vitter was a member of the House of Representatives in 1999, he sponsored a bill "recognizing the importance of strong marriages." Then in 2004, when he ran for the U.S. Senate, he urged local governments in Louisiana to enact a pro-marriage proclamation as part of Marriage Appreciation Week. And just last year, this champion of the religious right said there was no issue before the Senate more important than

"a strong two-parent family.... Some folks in Washington may not get that, but certainly a lot of folks in the real world, including Louisiana, get it."

Speaking of getting it, it turns out Vitter has been getting plenty on the side. Vitter's name turned up on a list of phone numbers belonging to the DC Madame. And the New Orleans Times-Picayune reports that the Senator was a regular client of a Canal Street brothel in the mid '90s.

On the other hand, perhaps Mr. Vitter has merely been spreading his seed of family values among those who most needed a dose.

Honey, Did You Pack The Trunk?

A DC man is accused of locking his two daughters, ages 9 and 11, in the trunk of his car. The incident took place on a 90 (32.2 Celsius) degree day in Massachusetts while 48 year old Michael Fekete was visiting his mother in a nursing home. Fekete was arrested and charged with child endangerment after witnesses called police.

In his defense, Fekete says that his daughters being locked in the trunk of the car because it gives them a chance to play with the glow-in-the-dark emergency release handle located inside.

Why are people so upset by this? The man locked his own kids in that trunk. It's not like he kidnapped someone else's children and lured them into the trunk. Besides, playing with a glow-in-the-dark plastic handle while trapped inside an oven sounds like a fun game. Heck, I may even try it myself this afternoon!

And why was it even the business of those "witnesses" to get involved in a total stranger's parenting methods? Shouldn't they instead be looking for carloads of exploding Muslim doctors headed for the local airport?

Besides, it's not like The guy took his daughters to Spain and forced them to run with the bulls.

AC In A DC World

I had really been looking forward to seeing Transformers in the theater. I even took out a small business loan so I could buy popcorn and a soda. And I'm sorry to say that I was horribly disappointed in the film. I sat down in that theater expecting to see Michael Moore's scathing exposé of the electric power industry, and instead it turned out to be some sort of crap about robots from outer space!!!!

Admittedly, once I got over the emotional letdown of not seeing Michael confront the CEO of Consolidated Edison, the robot thing turned out to be pretty cool. Between the action and the special effects, Transformers may well turn out to be the top movie of the summer. In fact, I'll go as far as to say that Optimus Prime could kick Harry Potter's ass any day of the week.

It's not really a family film, however. There was a rather explicit scene involving the blowing of a transformer that may not be suitable for children.

The other highlight was in the 27 or so movie trailers they showed before the main attraction. There, among the previews for things like the upcoming Simpsons Movie and Yet Another Stinkin' Bourne Sequel, was one for a mysterious, as yet untitled film from JJ Abrams (he's the brains behind Lost and Alias). The only information it gives you at the end is the release date: 01-18-08. Even IMDB doesn't seem to have any meaningful information on what the movie will be about. And while the below preview may start off slow, stick with it. If you're anything like me, you'll end up crapping your pants when the Statue of Liberty's head comes rolling down the street.

By the way, that crapping of my pants thing? Let's just leave that between the two of us, okay?

A Bid For Peace

Someone is offering a "solution" to the Iraq war on eBay.

No word on whether President Bush has placed a bid.

Unload Your Sony Stock While You Can

Northern Japan was the scene of a large earthquake earlier today. At least eight people are known dead, hundreds are injured, and countless buildings are damaged beyond repair.

But the worst effects of the temblor may be yet to come. The world's most powerful nuclear plant was seriously damaged, resulting in a spill of radioactive water into the ocean. Based on Japan's past experience with nuclear accidents, it's only a matter of time before a giant mutated prehistoric beast emerges from the sea and devastates downtown Tokyo.

The Short And The Long Of It

New data suggests that Americans are no longer the tallest people in the world. The typical American male now stands at 5'10". In contrast, the "tallest country" in the world today is Holland, where men are an average of 6 feet tall.

Well, we may no longer be the tallest, but we got everyone else beat when it comes to width.

Pass the Whopper.

New Math Is Alive And Well

According to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Peter Pace, the number of Iraqi army battalions able to operate on their own has dropped from ten in March to six now.

Huh? Wasn't one purpose of the U.S. military's surge to buy time for Iraqi army units to improve their training so that they can become capable of defending their country? Now I'm no math expert, nor do I play one on TV, but shouldn't that number be going UP instead of DOWN!?!?! Isn't this tantamount to driving up a mountain by going in reverse downhill!?!?!

Pace tried to downplay the significance of the dropping numbers by saying the decline was driven by casualties, worn-out equipment and the need to pull units from battle so they can be resupplied. Um... How is that an excuse? Because the soldiers are getting killed, it shouldn't count?

Pace then told reporters, "The fact that a number may be changing in a very narrow band shouldn't be overly a concern."

Eh? A drop of four battalions--from ten to six--is a decline of 40%, and he dismisses that as falling within a very narrow band?" That's like Bush declaring that his less than one percent majority in 2004 qualified as a "mandate."

Perhaps it's time for the American people to start sending calculators to the White House.

So Much For Swatting Them There So We Don't Have To Swat Them Here

Giant turban wearing killer wasps have invaded the State Department building in DC. This is a terrifying turn of events, and demonstrates yet another profound failure of George Bush's policies. In what is an obvious admission of guilt, White House officials are remaining suspiciously silent on the crisis.

Hu's On First

According to a new intelligence report, Al Qaeda has established training camps in western Pakistan and is using those secure havens to further strengthen itself.

Huh? How is that possible? Isn't that whole reason we've been fighting in Iraq for the last four years? To defeat Al Qaeda? And haven't we repeatedly been told that we have them on the run? Then how can they be getting stronger if we're winning? And has anyone bothered to tell President Bush that Al Qaeda is in Pakistan and NOT in Iraq? Or is he still trying to figure out Hu's the leader of China?

In Case Anyone's Counting

Last January a group of Iraqi insurgents infiltrated an American base in Karbala. They killed one American in the initial assault and kidnapped four others that were eventually executed. The attack had been worrisome to Pentagon officials because of its sophistication. The insurgents got onto the base by using official looking black SUV's, and seemed to know the layout of the buildings.

The Pentagon has now concluded that assailants also had the help of local Iraqi police who supplied them with uniforms, equipment, and inside information. It also looks like Iranians may also have been involved.

The Iraqi police!?!?! These are the people that we are training to supposedly take responsibility for the security of their country. If they can't be trusted, then who's left?

It should be pretty obvious to anyone who doesn't have their head up their ass that this so-called "war" is lost. We have now been fighting in Iraq six months longer than it took us to win World War II. And what do we have to show for it? Not a damn thing.

Oh, wait. My mistake. Actually, we now have over 3600 flag draped coffins to show for it.

I wonder if President Bush is proud of that?

Decades.... Centuries.... Who's Counting?

Last week President Bush delivered an inspiring Fourth of July address to a group on National Guardsmen in West Virginia. Naturally, he compared the war in Iraq to America's own fight for independence.... Which coincidentally involved a group of people trying to expel an occupying foreign power.

Then Bush went on to deliver thise memorable words: "More than two decades later, it is hard to imagine the Revolutionary War coming out any other way."

Great.... So not only does our President not speak English, but he can't tell time either?!?!