Stoned

I'm not a big fan of filmmaker Oliver Stone. He's a little too into conspiracy theories for my taste. Still, he did recently get off a great line about President Bush.

Stone had been hoping to make a documentary about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but the Iranian President turned him down. Why? Well, apparently Ahmadinejad considers Stone to be part of the "Great Satan" establishment and thus refuses to associate with him.

Stone's response to the rejection was both classy and classic: "I wish the Iranian people well, and only hope their experience with an inept, rigid ideologue president goes better than ours."

Ouch!!

And If You Act Now.....

A couple of years ago I vowed never again to buy anything from some inane offer on TV. That was after I ordered some ridiculous floor sweeper with rubber bristles. When I called the 1-800 number, they offered a second one for like a dollar (plus shipping & handling, of course). When the items arrived a week later, I was the proud owner of not one but TWO worthless pieces of crap that fell apart the first time I tried to use them. Hence my promise to myself and the world to never again get suckered by some wonderful new gadget I just couldn't live without.

While I'm not married, I still forgot my vows. The seduction came in the form of an ad for something called the Infinity Razor. It's made from the same steel used to make those knives that never need sharpening. Consequently, it's the last razor you will ever need to buy! How freakin' cool is that!?!? So cool, in fact, that I ordered a second one for some ridiculous low price (plus shipping & handling, of course). And please don't ask why I ordered two if the first one was supposed to last forever....

So now I'm the proud owner of.... TWO worthless pieces of crap.

This stupid thing barely cuts my whiskers. In fact, it mostly scrapes at your facial hair, so it hurts like hell to shave with it. Then you get to do it all over again because the first pass only gets about half the stubble.

So once again I vow to never again fall for one those asinine infomercial things. And if I really, REALLY get the urge to waste $19.95 (plus shipping & handling) on some wonderful new gizmo, I'll just take a twenty dollar bill and toss it into the middle of the street. At least that way, I won't have to pay shipping & handling.

In the meantime, here are some wonderful new products I'm considering:

Nearing The End

As of today, there are 560 days left in the Bush presidency. No word on what George W. will do after he leaves office, but Vice President Cheney reportedly has a job as a Wal-Mart greeter lined up.

Turmoil In France

French President Nicolas Sarkozy has been in office barely a month and already his office has been rocked by a major scandal. Indeed, the people of France are in such an uproar that they may actually fight back if someone tries to invade.

And what is the nature of this scandal, you ask? Has he been caught boinking his secretary? Accepting bribes from the foie gras industry? Hosting pajama parties with Michael Jackson? Starting a war under false pretenses?

No, no, just rumors, and no.

The truth is actually much, MUCH worse: Sarkozy has been caught (GASP!) jogging!

Yes, it's true. President Sarkozy exercises. In shorts. And it is for this reason that the French Republic may fall.

Apparently, such things just aren't done in France. One intellectual appeared on a news show and declared jogging to be an "undignified" exercise, and suggested that exposing the boss's naked knees is something that never would have occurred in the time of (former President) Mitterrand or Louis XIV. And Charles Bremner, the Paris correspondent for the Times of London, says that Sarkozy has fueled a French suspicion that running is for self-centered individualists like Americans.

Excuse me? What the hell is THAT supposed to mean? There is nothing I hate more than the perpetuation of ignorance fueled stereotypes, especially when it comes from cheese-eating French surrender monkeys.

Besides, I don't run.

Good news just keeps pouring out of Iraq like raw sewage from a broken sewer line. The latest is word of a massive truck bomb explosion in the small farming town of Armili north of Baghdad killed an estimated 100. The blast came just hours after another explosion in Zargosh claimed 22 lives. That particular attack occurred during a funeral, which made it convenient for the victims.

Separately, eight American soldiers have died in the last two days.

Meanwhile, President Bush celebrated his 61st birthday with a party.

Maybe He'll Get Paris' Old Cell

Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, has been arrested in California on a number of drug related charges. He was initially pulled over by police for doing over 100 mph in a Toyota Prius. Officers smelled marijuana, and a subsequent search of the vehicle also revealed a number of prescription drugs, including Xanax, Valium, and Vicodin.

This startling news has left much of the civilized world stunned beyond words. Who would have thought a hybrid could go that fast?

Anyway, police were not impressed by Gore's argument that he uses the Xanax, Valium, and Vicodin to combat global warming.

What's The Co-Payment?

For the last couple of decades, villagers in central China have been digging up dinosaur bones and using them for healing. In some cases the bones were boiled to make soup (presumably in really, REALLY big pots), or grinding them up into powder. The powder was then used in the preparation of food, or else applied directly to things like broken bones and other injuries.

As it turns out, the whole thing was just a simple case of mistaken identity: The Chinese believed the bones "were from the dragons flying in the sky." Evidently flying dragons (not to be confused with the flightless ones found in parts of Europe) are indigenous to central China. If so, that may explain why pandas are on the verge of extinction

Sure, it may sound crazy, but at least those villagers had a better health care plan than a lot of Americans.

Why It Burns When I Pee

Stop & Listen

The investigation into the failed terror attacks In the U.K. has taken a frightening turn. It had long been assumed that most radical Islamic loonies are disaffected young adults. However, the conspirators arrested in England, Scotland, and Australia are freakin' doctors!!!

What the hell is the deal with that!?!? Doctors are supposed to heal people, not kill them.... Well, unless your name is Doctor Jack Kevorkian. How does the willful killing of women and children in fiery bombings fit into the whole Hippocratic Oath thing? Is there some loophole that we're not familiar with?

And one of the London bombers turned out to be from Iraq! How's that for gratitude! We try to free his nation and how does he thank us? By trying to blow up an airport!!

Maybe it's a cultural thing, like belching at the dinner table being a compliment in some societies.

And why was the Iraqi guy trying to blow up crap in England anyway? Aren't we fighting the terrorists in Iraq so we don't have to fight them here? Or doesn't England count as "here?" That guy broke the rules and should be thrown out of the game.

Three attempted bombings, and the devices didn't work in a single one? What are the odds? In fact, in one case, the car simply caught on fire and seriously injured the bomber. That's gotta hurt: Not only do you not get the virgins, you end up with six months of skin grafts!

Maybe it's time for the terrorists to stop their killing, take a deep breath, and think about whether Allah is trying to tell them something.

High Beams

I made the mistake of stepping outside this morning without a jacket and my nipples about ripped through my shirt! Not that I'm complaining; July is normally insufferably hot in DC, so if you suddenly get a 52 degree outdoor temperature reading, it's best to just savor it.... Even if it does ruin a shirt or two.

I'm suddenly feeling pretty darn good about this global warming thing.

Lost And Not Found

Today marks the 70th anniversary of the disappearance of Amelia Earhart. She and her navigator, Fred Noonan, were trying to fly around the world when their twin engine vanished somewhere over the South Pacific. Their fate has long fascinated the world and has been the subject of much speculation, ranging from alien abductions to being captured by the Japanese.

My personal theory? Well, Earhart's a woman, so she landed the plane to ask for directions and was eaten by cannibals. That's why you never see us men stopping for directions: We don't want to get eaten by pygmies.

On the other hand, don't be surprised if Earhart and Noonan show up on next season's Lost. In fact, it will probably turn out that The Others are their descendants.

And if you think such an outrageous plot development would be absolutely preposterous and totally beyond belief, you obviously haven't been watching the show.

Why Cuba Is Doomed

President Bush recently talked about what will happen in Cuba once Fidel Castro dies, and what the United States' approach should be to a post-communist government. Said Bush:

"My attitude is that we need to use the opportunity to call the world together to promote democracy as the alternative to the form of government they have been living with."

Uh-oh. Isn't that kind of what Bush said about his vision for a post-Saddam Iraq?

Drive Like Uranus, Pay Out The Nose

A number of new laws effecting motorists took effect in Virginia today. Among them is a measure making it illegal for drivers under 18 to talk on a cellphone while behind the wheel. The state is also restarting a program allowing photo enforcement of red lights. That measure was surprisingly controversial, with rural lawmakers vehemently opposed to it. Those representing the more urban areas of the state such as Northern Virginia--where traffic is a constant concern--were in favor of cameras to catch red light runners.

But nothing has the people of Virginia as riled up as the so-called "abusive driver" fees. Under the program, which was adopted to increase highway funding with raising taxes, the cost of serious traffic offenses will greatly increase. For example, a conviction for reckless driving (which includes exceeding the speed limit by 20 or more miles) will now cost an additional $1050 on top of whatever the regular fine is. A first offense DUI will carry a $2250 surcharge. And if you accumulate eight or more demerit points on your record during the course of two years, that will cost you $75 a point.

During a recent radio call-in show, Virginia Governor Tim Kaine caught an earful over the fees. Callers claimed the higher costs will hurt the working poor and amount to a tax increase. Some people are even threatening to move to Maryland to avoid the surcharges.

As someone who routinely racks up 200-250 miles a day on the mean streets of Fairfax County, I welcome the new fees. If you are the type of driver who routinely drives recklessly, then by all means PLEASE move somewhere else. And don't let the state line hit you on the ass when you leave.

Seriously, why are people upset about these new fees? If you don't want to pay them, then don't drive like a f*cking asshole. Then you won't have to pay the new charges, and you'll even avoid having to move to another state. Or is easing off the gas peddle that much of a challenge for some folks?

On the other hand, these new fees are designated to go to the state's highway fund for the building of new roads. That's certainly a worthy cause. Heck, maybe an argument can be made that driving like a freakin' maniac is a civic duty.