Damn Illegal Aliens

There's yet another alien invasion movie coming out. No, no, it's not about Mexicans plundering our jobs in the lucrative lawn care industry. This is about the kind of aliens that come from outer space and steal a planet's resources. This one has a twist, though: It's us humans are the invading bad guys!

The film is called Terra, and it's currently making the rounds at film festivals. The unusual thing about the inhabitants of Terra is that they have a natural bouyancy in their world's helium atmosphere and are thus able to essentially "swim" through air.

This idea is, of course, completely preposterous: Any planet with a helium atmosphere would simply float out of orbit and eventually out of the galaxy itself.

The movie's premise is that humanity has pretty much used up all the natural resources of planet Earth and is now spreading out into other systems looking for new worlds to exploit. The inhabitants of this one planet decide to fight back and launch an insurgency to repel the invaders.

Typical liberal attitude, ain't it? I mean, who cares how many those stupid helium-sucking aliens die? The important thing is that we're bringing them democracy, and they're going to like it even if it kills them.

Missing

A lake in southern Chile has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Described as approximately 10-12 acres in size, the body of water was last seen in March near a melting glacier. It is unclear whether it was a victim of foul play or mere evaporation.

Distraught relatives are asking anyone with information about the missing lake to call Chilean authorities.

A Kick In The Crystal Balls

Grace Uwanawich of Montgomery County, Maryland, has been sentenced to 18 months in prison for practicing fortunetelling without a business license. She will also have to pay $270,000 restitution to four clients who paid her large sums of money. One of the women paid Uwanawich as much as $160,000 to end a curse which supposedly dated back to when the Great Wall of China was built.

No word on whether she could have helped Judge Roy Pearson find his missing pants.

This is a gross miscarriage of justice. It's not like Ms. Uwanasandwich, or whatever her name is, held a gun to these people's heads and forced them to hand over that kind of money. They voluntarily gave it to her!!! So then why is she the one being punished?

It's her so-called "victims" who should be arrested for criminal stupidity.

Evolution, Homer Style

Harey Situation

Italy's Milan Airport was forced to close briefly because mating hares were overrunning the runways. Volunteers fanned out in an effort to trap as many of the wild rabbits as possible and relocate them.

Kinda gives new meaning to that old expression: "She had a wild hare up her ass."

Turning Up The Heat

The Prime Minister of Hungary has asked employers to loosen their dress codes this week. The recommendation is for women to skip wearing stockings this week. Men would be allowed to go without ties.

A major heatwave is expected to hit later this week, with temperatures in Budapest expected to top 98 degrees (37 Celsius). Such heat is virtually unheard of in Hungary, and even most public buildings don't have air conditioning.

Don't worry though. According to the brilliant scholar/scientist/statesman George W. Bush, heat waves have nothing to do with global warming.

Was It Osama's?

The National Postal Museum next door to DC's main railroad station had to be evacuated yesterday after a foul-smelling suspicious package was found. The bomb squad was summoned and carefully examined it. They eventually opened the container and discovered, to their horror, a.... Soiled diaper.

No word on whether any astronauts had been seen in the area.

Pity Poor Paris

The world can breath a collective sigh of relief: Paris Hilton's medical condition has improved. With that crisis at the end, she has been moved back out of the medical ward and back into her old cell. Still no word, however, on the exact nature of the problem that landed her in the medical ward in the first place.

Meanwhile, controversy continues to swirl over whether the hotel heiress has received special treatment during her incarceration. One person has already filed a lawsuit claiming that even though she "had serious medical issues," she was treated worse than Hilton. Even the Reverend Al Sharpton, never one to pass up an opportunity for publicity, has gotten involved.

It is hard to sympathize with Hilton's plight. She was first stopped by police last September 7. That resulted in a conviction for reckless driving and DUI. Her license was suspended and she received three years probation. After all that, she was TWICE more stopped by police and cited for driving on a suspended license. It was that second stop that landed her in front of the no-nonsense judge now overseeing her case.

Besides, it's not like the cleaners lost her damn pants.

A Great Reason Not To Wear Pants, Part Deux

Remember Roy Pearson? He's the administrative law judge in DC who recently sued his drycleaners for $65 million because they--GASP!!!!--lost his pants. Supposedly they eventually found the wayward trousers, but Pearson claims its not the right pair.

The case--which is bound to do wonders for the image of lawyers all over the world--has now gone to trial and Pearson had an opportunity to tell his side of the story on the stand. At one point Pearson actually broke down and began crying while talking about his beloved slacks.

Who does he think he is? Paris Hilton? At least she had reason to have an emotional breakdown in court--she was about to go back to the pen. But Pearson!?!?! For God's sakes, be a man! People are already laughing at you, Mr. Pearson. Is it really necessary to further embarrass yourself--and by extension ALL males--by shedding tears over a stupid pair of pants!?!?!

Reminds me of the time someone stole my beloved blanky. I never spoke to my college roommates after that.

Another Reason Not To Trust Sushi

A man in Queensland, Australia was attacked and robbed during a home invasion by men wielding... a sawfish snout.

This just goes to prove what I've been saying all along: If sawfish snouts are outlawed, only outlaws will have sawfish snouts.

Just Don't Shoot The Altar Boys

The Church of England has entered negotiations with Sony to change the graphics in one of the Japanese company's video games. According to church officials, the PS3 game "Resistance: Fall of Man" contains a sequence in which players have to walk through a Manchester cathedral shooting at assorted enemies.

It is unclear if anyone would have known that it's a Manchester cathedral if only church leaders had kept their mouths shut.

It is good that the peace-loving Church of England is concerned about its image. After all, the institution was founded by King Henry VIII after the Pope refused to grant him a divorce from his first wife. Henry ultimately went on to behead two of his six wives.

Now THAT'S family values!

Oopsies!

Scientists in Switzerland were recently trying to duplicate conditions during the Big Bang when they accidentally blew up their 17 mile long particle accelerator, causing millions of dollars of damage to the device. They were conducting an experiment involving the smashing of protons into one another when things went awry. The local fire department even had to be called in to aid in the evacuation of the facility. A subsequent analysis revealed that some very "fundamental" math errors had led to the accident.

Excuse me!?!?! These idiots almost destroyed the world because of a math error!?!?! Are we sure we need to be mucking around with this stuff?

If they inadvertently trigger a chain reaction that consumes all the matter in the entire freakin' universe, what are they going to do? Apologize? Hope no one notices that all of existence just came to a screeching halt? Sweep the debris under the rug?

Oh wait, can't do that! Rugs are made of matter, and it was all destroyed!!

It doesn't matter how many PhD's a person has. Sometimes they still deserve a dope slap upside the head.