One To Beam Up

First we find out there were no weapons of mass destruction, and now we learn James "Scotty" Doohan was a freakin' Canadian!?!?! What universally held truth will be next to end up shattered upon the floor of history?

Panda Update

The baby panda born at the National Zoo some ten days ago appears to doing well. Although several cubs were born to a previous pair back in the 80's, none lived more than a few days, so the current newborn's longevity is a good sign.

The little one doesn't have a name yet, and according to Chinese tradition, panda cubs aren't named until they are 100 days old.

Don't be surprised, however, if Republicans in Congress introduce a bill to name it after Ronald Reagan.

Learning Survival Skills

Several new studies seem to indicate that excessive TV watching hampers academic skills among children. This may or may not be true, and it may or may not carry profound implications for this nation's next generation of leaders. I'm not ready to jump to any conclusions just yet, but I will certainly research it further by looking up the word "hampers" in the dictionary. In the meantime, however, Gilligan's Island is on, and it's the one where the Harlem Globetrotters end up on the island.

Take Off, Eh?

By now the space shuttle Discovery was supposed to be in orbit. This would have represented NASA's first manned launch since the one that ultimately doomed Columbia in 2003. However, the mission ended up being scrubbed a few hours before the scheduled launch because of a faulty fuel gauge. It has now been rescheduled for Saturday.

On the one hand, it's good that NASA is being careful, but one can easily be overly cautious. For example, I once used to own an old Dodge Dart that had a sticky fuel gauge. It was an inconvenience, but I didn't stop driving the car because of it. Besides, sometimes a quick tap on the dash right by the gauge would make it start working again. Did any of the astronauts even try banging on the shuttle's dashboard?

I will admit that eventually my balky gauge eventually stopped working entirely, and I can see where such a development when you're in orbit 350 miles over the Earth may prove somewhat disconcerting. But again, I was able to compensate. I knew I could get easily get 300 miles on a tankful of gas, so I would just reset the odometer whenever I filled up. In the case of the space shuttle, I'm sure NASA knows how many orbits it can get on one tankful of premium unleaded rocket fuel. And if the mission happens to encounter strong headwinds while in space, they should be able to easily compensate for that by returning to Earth a little sooner.

Once again, I'm the one who has to think of everything.

You Better Be On Your Lunch Break, Pal

According to a recent survey by AOL (which sucks), Americans waste an average of over two hours a day while at work. Missouri came in first, with workers goofing off an average of four hours every day. Good ol' Virginia, which is where AOL is based, came in seventh at 2.7 hours.

No word on how AOL's own employees fared.

The number one way of wasting time among those surveyed was--not surprisingly--the internet. This includes things like checking personal email, instant messaging, and general surfing of the net. Other popular time wasters included personal phone calls and general socializing with coworkers.

This news is disturbing. Such unproductive time ends up costing employers $759 every year, and that is money that in turn affects everyone through higher costs for goods and services. Quite frankly, an argument could be made that this is indicative of a general decline in the work ethic as well as morals, for what these slackers are doing is, in essence, stealing from their employers. Furthermore

Boss coming--BTW

Dennis the Menace

Hurricane Dennis is at this moment pounding the holy sh*t out of the Florida and Alabama coasts with its 120 mph winds. Rated as a category 3 storm, Dennis is the first major hurricane to hit the US during July in over 70 years. It's also only the 7th major hurricane to form (the others didn't make landfall) in 150 years of record keeping (major hurricanes are defined as ones of category 3 or higher). Finally, Dennis is also the fourth named storm of the year, the first time in history this many storms have formed this early. This could be an ominous portent of what's to come, since the hurricane season doesn't usually peak until September.

I'm not sure how yet, but give me time and I'll figure out a way to blame all this on President Bush.

Pop Goes The Weasel--And The Panda

In something of a surprise development, the National Zoo's female giant panda, Mei Xiang, has given birth to a 4 ounce cub. Granted, it probably would have been even more amazing if the male panda had done it, but it was still somewhat unexpected. It is notoriously difficult to tell when a female panda has been knocked up, and even skilled veterinarians are easily fooled by the false pregnancies these animals can exhibit.

In fact, even the mommy panda seemed a little taken aback when her little one popped out at 1 A.M. Friday morning. Maternal instincts quickly kicked in, and she began bonding with her offspring.

At last count, 17 NBA players have denied being the father.

One Possible Reason Sunscreen Doesn't Sell At The South Pole

Scientists have discovered that the exhaust plume from space shuttle launches can eventually lead to an increase of cloud cover over Antartica. To a certain extent this can be expected, since the shuttle burns liquid hydrogen and liquid oxygen. What was surprising, however, that this water vapor can eventually make its way that far south.

These findings carry important ramifications for the study of global warming, some of which is based on evaluating cloud cover over the poles.

Now I like to think I'm as environmentally conscious as the next Bush basher, but quite frankly I find it hard to be concerned about this. Who cares whether or not penguins can work on their tans? There are much more important things to worry about when it comes to the shuttle program.... Like if I'm going to get hit in the head by a piece of it on the way down.

Planning

Nearby Dulles Airport has an interesting payment system for its parking lots. To save on time, you're supposed to take your little ticket into the terminal with you. When you're ready to leave--whether it's two hours later or two weeks--you insert the stub into a machine inside the terminal and pay the appropriate amount. Then you head out to your car. As long as you make it to the booth and insert the ticket into the little slot within a certain grace period, you're good to go.

In an effort to encourage people to follow this procedure, the airport has put up banners that say "Plan your exit strategy now."

Hmmmm.... What a novel idea! Plan your exit strategy now, BEFORE you go in!! Maybe the parking attendants at Dulles should be running the damn country while Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld go manage the lots at the airport!

Then again, you may never get your car out of there.

Click image to go to AnySoldier.com

Will Ducking Help?

Astronomers using a sophisticated telescope have determined that the Andromeda Galaxy, located a mere two million light years from Earth, is three times as large as previously thought. The team of scientific geek types based their conclusion on careful observations of stars along the edge of the galaxy.

Meanwhile, geophysicists here on Earth, using exacting GPS measurements and highly detailed infrared satellite photography, have concluded that Michael Moore is also three times as massive as previously thought.

However, none of this may soon matter as NASA's Deep Impact space probe will soon deliberately crash into the Tempel One comet. The resulting debris field is expected to yield a treasure trove of information about the makeup of comets. These heavenly objects are believed to have seeded the primordial Earth with water billions of years ago. Curious scientists, never content to leave well-enough alone, have decided to go mucking around with celestial mechanics in an effort to further expand our horizons of knowledge.

The impact between the probe and Tempel One is scheduled to occur at 1:52 A.M. eastern time tomorrow morning. Scientists insist that the collision will in no way alter the orbit of the massive comet.

Let's these are NOT the same scientists who once accidentally destroyed a Mars probe because they failed to properly convert metric units into english.

On the other hand, if they're wrong, at 1:53 A.M. we can all begin running through the streets and screaming for our lives as giant fiery shattered comet chunks rain down upon us.

The Gravity Of The Situation

Virginia Governor and likely contender for the 2008 democratic presidential nomination Mark Warner took a tumble off his bicycle the other day, breaking two bones in the process. Warner was apparently taking a drink of water with one hand while applying the brakes with the other. Unfortunately, only the front brakes gripped, giving the governor a painful lesson in inertia, physics, and gravity. He later underwent surgery to have a couple of metal pins inserted, and is expected to be in a cast for several weeks.

I personally went through a eerily similar incident two years ago. While reaching for a bag of Duritos, I took a spill out of the recliner and ended up facedown in the bean dip. In the process, my own right wrist became lodged between the coffee table and the mini fridge, and it was in a cast for over a month (my wrist, I mean; the minifridge was thankfully unharmed).

Needless to say, having my right hand immobilized put quite a damper on my sex life.