Hung Like aA Horse

Well, congratulations are in order for Smarty Jones for winning today's Preakness. He is now two thirds of the way to becoming the first Triple Crown winner since 1978.

The final leg of the Crown--the Belmont Stakes--is on June 5. In the meantime, we'll have to endure three weeks of the media's non-stop Triple Crown hype. Then again, maybe it will finally give them something to talk about other than those pictures of naked and tortured cicadas.

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Conditional Support
Vietnam has been found to contain substantial deposits of oil. Most Americans, tired of paying two bucks for a gallon of gas, would no doubt support an invasion in an effort to get their oil.

Provided, of course, Vietnam doesn't become another Iraq.

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Birds Of A Feather
Take a close look at the two birds this image. Examine them closely, watch their habits, study the subtle differences in their behavior, and take notes if necessary. See if you can tell which bird is the male and which one is the female. It can be done, even by a novice with virtually no skills in bird watching.

Don't Bug Me, Man

A lot of people are beginning to complain that despite all the talk about cicadas, no one seems to have actually seen one yet. True, there are plenty of the discarded shells they leave behind after molting, but where are the final products? Quite frankly, if these things don't start turning up as promised by the authorities, an armed insurgency may result.

---------------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star Ledger

Now I'm no entomologist, though I do play one on TV, but my guess is that so far only a small percentage of the total population has emerged. And these early ones, since there are so few of them, are much more likely to be picked off by birds or crazy Frenchmen. But in a few more days, after the remaining billions have ascended into the outside world, there will be far too many of them for their predators to handle.

Either that, or they're hiding alongside Saddam's weapons of mass destruction.

---------------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

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Close Encounters
Mexican air force planes recently encountered--and filmed--11 UFO's. The mysterious lights surrounded the plane, which also picked up several of the objects on radar.

If true, this is absolutely stunning news that will force humanity to rethink the natural order of the universe. I mean, who would ever have thought Mexico had an air force?

"It" Lives

Everyone has been so busy talking about the cicadas that another frightnening species has snuck up behind us and bitten us on our collective behinds. The northern snakehead fish, native to parts of China, has turned up in a Virginia tributary of the Potomac River. The bizarre creature, which is capable of walking short distances on land (which led to its being dubbed "Frankenfish"), caused quite a stir when it was found in a Maryland pond a couple of years ago. That pond was was eventually poisoned and pumped dry by wildlife officials in an effort to eradicate the aquatic interloper.

The concern is that the northern snakehead has no natural predators in North America, and with its voracious appetite, it would rapidly wipe out other, native species normally found in our waters.

And if that weren't bad enough, this so-called Frankenfish, if it's hungry enough, will devour squirrels, cats, and small dogs. It considers young children a delicacy. It will dig up your garden in search of grubs to eat. If thirsty, it will crawl up into your engine compartment and chew through your radiator hose in search of water. When travelling in packs, the snakehead can chase down cattle and carjack automobiles. It will park in handicapped spaces without a permit. If there is a zoo nearby, it will attempt to mate with an elephant just to impress his buddies. It will break into your house, go through your CD collection, and switch the discs around. It will log onto your computer, surf porn sites (it prefers high speed internet connections, so if you have dial-up service, you should be okay), and order embarrassing sex toys in your name. It will use your credit card numbers to log onto eBay and bid on fish supplies. It will steal your DVD player, pawn it, and use the money to buy bottled water. It will raid your refrigerator and leave the door open when done, thereby running up your electric bill. It will show up at cocktail parties, get roaring drunk, and hit on your wife or husband. Then it will loudly sing lewd love songs. It will go the grocery store and boldly butt into the express line with 16 items. It will become the chairman of a large, respected company and run it into the ground until it implodes in a cloud of accounting scandals. After feasting on fresh poodle, it will dive back into the water without waiting a full hour. It is believed to ties to Al Qaeda.

Unfortunately, it does not eat cicadas.

This is indeed a scary animal. Pray that government officials are successful in eradicating it....

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But No Buttery Aftertaste

It appears that my skepticism about the whole cicada thing being a clever ploy by the Bush Administration to take our minds off the calamity known as Iraq may have been unfounded. This morning I did find the outer husk of a cicada that had recently emerged from the ground.

The outer skin was thinner than paper and quite light. Perhaps the best way to describe is to compare it to the stuff you find leftover in the bottom of a bucket of popcorn. Not the actual leftover kernals themselves, but their outer skins you sometimes see in there.

They kind of taste alike, too.

Can You Give Me A Hand?

Northern Virginia was the recent scene of a horrible attack in which a 16 year old's hands were severed by a machete. Fortunately, surgeons were able to reattach the youth's hands, though it is not yet known how much of their use he will be able to recover.

It remains unclear how the victim was able to carry his hands to the hospital.

Where Oh Where Are The Cicadas?
There's still no widespread emergence of cicadas yet, so I'm starting to think this whole thing is some sort of scam perpetrated by Dick Cheney and his cronies at Halliburton.

Does anyone know if they own any bug spray companies?

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Everyone's A Critic
One literary critic has already said that Bill Clinton's upcoming memoirs are expected to sell as well as any of the Harry Potter books.

This really isn't all that surprising if you consider how much Bill and Harry have in common. For example, both are immensely popular, both are world famous, and both have had experience living with witches.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Bugger Off
Though I haven't seen or heard any myself yet, a few cicadas have emerged to wreak terror upon an unsuspecting public. Well, okay, maybe not ENTIRELY unsuspecting, since the advance press coverage of this has become every bit as incessant as the mating cry of the little buggers soon will be. Still, it's a safe bit that when they do come out in force, there will still be people out there wondering what's going on. Must be nice to stagger through life perpetually oblivious to the world around you.

With the temperatures expected to be well into the 80's for the next several days, bugologists (people who study bugs, you ninny) are saying the cicadas will be come out in full force some time this weekend.

Personally, I'm looking forward to the impending invasion. I'll be able to save big bucks on my food bills for the next month or so. My only concern how cicadas fit into the Atkins Diet. I certainly wouldn't want to throw my carb intake out of whack!

Though I don't consider myself a tree hugger, I am intrigued by these little guys. How do they know when their 17 years is up? Do they keep little calendars in their underground burrows? And if so, how do they read them? With little teeny tiny flashlights? And what did they do before Thomas Edison invented the light bulb? Or Fred Eveready developed the flashlight?

As with women in general, I've given up trying to understand Mother Nature.

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Friends No More

Well, tonight is the big farewell for Friends. It's a shame, too, since there are so few quality shows on TV. So much of the drivel that clutters our airways deals with groups of young, attractive people who hang with one another at preppie coffee shops in some big city that it's ridiculous.

That's why I'll miss Friends, and the way Joey, Ross and Chandler used to gather at the Bada Bing Club to decide to wack next. And you could always count on Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica to be dancing naked on the stage behind them.

Wait.... Am I getting my TV shows mixed up again?

Cinco de Miracle Whip
Today is Cinco de Mayo, which commerates the Mexican Army's victory over the French at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.

Jeez.... Is there anyone out there the French haven't surrendered to?

Celebrity Finance
With his house on the verge of foreclosure, Don Johnson has filed for bankruptcy. According to court records, the actor owes $930, 000 to various creditors.

Johnson says he'll be able to get out of the hole just as soon as he begins collecting checks for his new series, Law & Order: Special Washed Up Overdressed TV Cops Who Look Like They Haven't Shaved In Four Days Unit.

Singer turned frightening sexpot Courtney Love has also revealed that she owes millions of dollars as well. She claims, however, that she was swindled out of her money, and that her world famous cocaine habit had nothing to do with it. "I found out my dog walker was making $100,000," says Love, wiping her nose between snorts.

For his part, the dog walker claims he deserved the money because of the constant snarling, biting, humping of strangers' legs, and defecating in the middle of public sidewalks. "But at least the dog was well behaved," he adds.

Shameful

Words can not properly express the disgust I feel towards the soldiers who abused those Iraqi prisoners. They should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves for having bought such disgrace upon themselves, upon their uniforms, and upon themselves. And the excuse of not having been "properly trained" holds no water, for this is not a matter of not knowing "procedure." This is a question of common sense, and using the brains God gave each and every one of us.

I mean, if they wanted to abuse the inmates, that's fine. I have no problem with that in and of itself. Likewise, the Iraqis seemed to have no problem hanging burned American corpses from bridges after dragging them through the streets, so why should I care about the treatment of live prisoners?

But what gets me about this story is that the soldiers photographed themselves heaping abuse on their charges!!!!! What the hell were they thinking? Did these people learn nothing from the Paris Hilton fiasco? Just how did they arrive at the brilliant tactical decision of pulling out a camera? Never, EVER leave photograhic evidence that can come back to haunt you!!! Most of all, what does it say about the American educational system that people this stupid were allowed to graduate from high school?

"Hey, Sarge! I just had a brainstorm! Let's take pictures of ourselves abusing the prisoners!"

"Why, that's a GREAT idea, Private! I'm putting you in for a promotion!"

And what's the deal with the chick that shows up in some of the photos? What's her name, and how long until she ends up on Letterman? You know it's just a matter of time till we find out what her name is. Then it will become a race between Playboy and Penthouse for the honors to show her in all her glory.

Despite the bad first impression she's presented the entire world, I'm sure she's a very nice person. But does she have trouble getting dates? I can see how some guys might be just a bit intimidated by her personals ad:

SWF enjoys long moonlit walks on the beach, music, romantic movies, & climbing on piles of naked, sweat-soaked, screaming, handcuffed men.

Yeah, I'll be answering that one.

Run for the Roses
Tolday is the 130th running of the Kentucky Derby, and for the first time jockeys will be allowed to wear advertising. Some critics say this is a blatant attempt by the horse racing industry to be more like NASCAR, whose own drivers have long worn ads for various sponsers.

Still, I don't see a bunch of animals running in circles approaching the excitement of, say, the Daytona 500. Unless, of course, two horses happen to bump rounding a turn and begin cartwheeling down the track in a flaming ball of twisted steel, burning rubber, and mangled bodies.

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But Can He Also Chew Gum at the Same Time?
The President and Vice President spent several hours yesterday "testifying" before the 9-11 commision. Despite some criticism from democrats that the two were allowed to testify together, a number of interesting things were learned.

For example, George Bush can actually talk while Cheney drinks a glass of water.

---------------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star Ledger

SprintPCSucks

It's time for a rant.... And yes, this is a true story.

I have been with SprintPCS (and Sprint Spectrum before that) for about 8 years now. In general, I've been happy with them. I even use my cellphone to connect my laptap to the internet. Yes, it's slow, but at five bucks a month, it beats the pants off AOL. And like any long term relationship, Sprint and I have had our ups and downs. Yet in the end, we've always kissed and made up. The makeup sex was always worth the wait, even if it was a bit tricky with that retractable antenna.

Until now.

But my dealings with their alleged Customer Care Department over the past two days goes beyond anything I've ever experienced with them before, and may even rival the record levels of boneheadedness achieved by the Bush Administration.

Back in March I switched to their new 7 PM Nights & Weekends plan. And when I did so, I specifically made sure that my new plan would include the wireless web access. I was assured that it did. And since I no longer had to worry about my evening minutes, I could spend as much time on the computer as I wanted.... Or at least until the phone battery died.

So when I went in to pay my April bill a couple of days ago at their little in-store kiosk, I was more than a little surprised to see that I owed $308 instead of the expected $55.

My first mistake: As soon as I got back out to the car, I called their Customer Annoyance Dept. All this first lady was able to tell me was that yes, they had me down for the Nights & Weekends at 7 deal. The extra charges were for exceeding my daytime minutes. "But that's impossible," I said. Her response was a helpful "You owe us $308."

My next step in my desperate bid to clear my name was to hit the golf course. No, wait, that's how O.J. spends his time trying to clear his name..... In my case, I hightailed it down to the library and went online to check the particulars of my bill. Sure enough, towards the end of my billing cycle, I started getting charged for my wireless web calls between 7PM and 9PM. But the voice calls in the same time frame were free. This was certainly odd.

My second mistake: So later that afternoon I called Sprint's Customer Aggravation Dept. back and this time got a different lady. I told her the situation. She looked at my account and said no, I had not been charged for any calls after 7 PM. I assured her that I had been, and had even seen the evidence on my account when I pulled up my last invoice.

"No, you haven't. You were only charged for exceeding your daytime minutes before 7 PM."

"But I just reviewed my account on a computer, and almost all the overcharges were between 7PM and 9PM."

"No, they weren't. You have Unlimited Nights and Weekends."

"I know that," I said through clenched teeth. I could sense the steam beginning to emerge from my ears. "But I was nonetheless charged. Look it up."

Well, give me the line number of one of the items in question.

"I don't have the line number," I said. "I don't actually have the bill with me. But I did see this on my account on the computer. All you have to do is scroll through the calls."

"No."

"No? What do you mean 'no?'"

"No, I won't do that. I need the line number."

Needless to say, this soon devolved into a shouting match, ending with her assurances that I most certainly owe her employer $308.

So that evening when I got home, I immediately went hunting for my bill. It took a while, but unlike Bush and those elusive weapons of mass destruction, I eventually found what I was looking for.

So yesterday morning, I foolishly embarked on my third mistake by calling Sprint's Hey Phil, Let's See How Many Customers We Can Piss Off Today Dept. This time I got a guy, perhaps even Phil himself. I innocently thought this was a good thing, because a guy--unlike those women--would certainly know what he's talking about.

Oh, how very, very, very, VERY wrong I was....

I proceed to tell this guy what's been going on, and that I have my bill with me.

He looks up my account and promptly tells me that I don't I have the wireless web access.

"Yes I do," I say. "I've had it since 2000, and I'm paying $5 a month extra for it." Meanwhile, alarms are going off warning me of dangerously high steam pressure in my head.

So he puts me on hold while he "researches" it. The guy then comes back on the line and tells me that the wireless web access was only added to my account on March 16. Furthermore, that $5 only entitles me to 50 text messages a month. It does NOT entitle me to download data, and THAT's what those extra charges on my bill are for.

"No, no, NO!!!" I scream into the phone.

"Yes, yes, YES" he shouts right back at me, laughing. Yes, that's right. Mr. Customer Service is laughing at an irate customer.

It's at this point that I realize I'm not only dealing with a moron, I'm dealing with a SMARTASS moron. And of all the different kinds of morons that have plagued humanity over the ages, the SMARTASS morons are the worst. The problem is not just that they're too stupid to realize they're morons; that's a fairly typical trait of morons in general. No, the SMARTASS morons go beyond that by thinking that they are actually being smart and clever and witty and know infinitely much more about their jobs than the stupid customer on the phone.

I even go as far as to ask to speak to a supervisor, but the SMARTASS moron flat out refuses my request. "He'll just tell you the same thing," the SMARTASS moron says. And this may quite possibly have been the first time I've ever been refused a request to speak to a supervisor.

We argue a little bit more, but it slowly becomes obvious that the situation is comparable to arguing with a Shiite cleric who shows his gratitude for being freed from brutal oppression by blowing you up.

I hang up on the SMARTASS moron and decide to head back to the Sprint store. I'm not optimistic about my chances at this point, because I know from past experience that Sprint's retail people don't like to get involved in billing issues. They will instead refer you to their We're Here To F*ck With You Until You Get So Pissed Off You Decide To Switch To Verizon Dept.

I get the assistant manager, fall to my knees, and tearfully beg him NOT to refer to the Aggravate Our Customers Until Their Blood Pressure Skyrockets And They Suffer A Stroke Dept. Then I tell him my problem, and briefly describe my earlier trials and tribulations. He pulls up my account and within 30 seconds finds the problem: A coding error. He even flipped the screen around to show me what was going on.

As it turns out, the voice calls and the wireless web calls have to coded separately for the 7PM changeover to unlimited nighttime minutes. And when I had called their I'm A Total Idiot And I'm The One Who Is Going To Represent SprintPCS To Our Customers Dept. last month, the guy correctly coded the voice calls, but then neglected to change the code the wireless web package. In short: Yes, it was Sprint's mistake.

After doublechecking the situation with someone COMPETENT at their HQ, he removed almost $240 worth of overcharges from my account.

So in the end, Sprint admitted its error and all was made right. But was all the other aggravation really necessary? It took the guy in the store--who's not even really trained for this--half a minute to find the problem. Yet three other employees--who supposedly were trained to deal with customer problems--were not only unable but unwilling to deal with my issues. And suppose I had been a Sprint customer some place where they didn't have any retail stores? What then? That poor lost soul's head would have exploded from all the pent up pressure!!

Sprint is the number three cellphone service provider in the United States. But if they continue to abuse their customers like this, it will soon become number four.

But What About the Plumbers?
Legislators in Louisiana are considering a bill to outlaw low riding-pants. That means no exposure of one's underwear, thongs, other "intimate clothing," or skin.

Violators would be subject to either a $500 fine or six months in jail.

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---------------KAL, Baltimore Sun

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Hide Your Children
Michael Jackson has fired his legal team of Mark Geragos and Benjamin Brafman.

No official reason was given, but Omarosa probably had something to do with it.

Where'd That House Come From?
Congratulations to Billy Joel, who has just had his third hit in two years.

Some music critics may complain, however, that lately Joel has been achieving his hits through poor driving rather than skillful songwriting, but that's to be expected. Critics generally tend to be a picky bunch.

In his most recent hit, Joel crashed his VW into a house. Though the accident is still under investigation, police say that preliminary findings indicate that the house was not in a marked crosswalk at the time.

----------Michael Ramirez, LA Times