There is a wonderful, shining example of American democracy in action, almost inspiring as the Florida fiasco of 2000, coming out of Texas. Republican state legislators are seeking to redraw congrssional districts in their favor, and they have the simple majority to do it. However, a two thirds majority is needed for a quorum. So 50 Democratic representatives, without whom the legislature can not legally pass ANY laws, have gone across the border to Oklahoma. By doing so, they are out of reach of the Texas Rangers, who have been ordered to arrest the AWOL Democrats and bring them to the state Capitol in Austin.
Potential leaders of a democratic Iraq are carefully taking notes.
Thursday, May 15, 2003
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
Canada is seriously considering decriminalizing the possession of small amounts of pot. In response to this latest international crisis, the Bush Administration has added our northern neighbor to the Axis of Reefers.
Meanwhile, the Pentagon has ordered the USS Abraham Lincoln battle group to take up position in Lake Superior.
Meanwhile, the Pentagon has ordered the USS Abraham Lincoln battle group to take up position in Lake Superior.
Monday, May 12, 2003
Practice Makes Imperfect
In another attempt to scare the living crap out of the American people, authorities are staging mock terror attacks in Seattle (a dirty bomb explosion) and Chicago (bioterror). The problem is that this whole drill, designed to test the readiness of authorities, is well scripted, and everyone knows their little role in the play.
Unfortunately, if there is ever another massive terror attack on America, it is doubtful that the perpetrators will provide us with an advance copy of their plans.
Unfortunately, if there is ever another massive terror attack on America, it is doubtful that the perpetrators will provide us with an advance copy of their plans.
False Alarm
For the last several days meteorologists had been warning us how rough the weather would be on Sunday afternoon. Severe thunderstorms, they screamed. Large, damaging hail, they cried. Tornadoes, they shouted. Large locusts carrying off our children, they wailed. Killer asteroids wiping out all life on Earth, they yelled. Stock up on bodybags now, they urged.
By Sunday morning they were foaming at their mouths as each tried to paint a more terrifying forecast than the other. The consensus was that a strong cold front and high humidity would trigger severe weather with F7 tornadoes scouring the landscape clean of all signs of civilization. Doom was imminent. Forget al Qaeda, it's Mother Nature that's about to kill us all.
So what happened? Nothing. Not a drop of rain, not a bolt of lightning, and not a gust of wind.
So did the weather forecasters apologize for spreading doom & gloom? No, of course not! Instead they came out with some scientific sounding excuse about "a cap of warm air aloft" that kept the atmosphere stable as the cold front came through.
By Sunday morning they were foaming at their mouths as each tried to paint a more terrifying forecast than the other. The consensus was that a strong cold front and high humidity would trigger severe weather with F7 tornadoes scouring the landscape clean of all signs of civilization. Doom was imminent. Forget al Qaeda, it's Mother Nature that's about to kill us all.
So what happened? Nothing. Not a drop of rain, not a bolt of lightning, and not a gust of wind.
So did the weather forecasters apologize for spreading doom & gloom? No, of course not! Instead they came out with some scientific sounding excuse about "a cap of warm air aloft" that kept the atmosphere stable as the cold front came through.
Friday, May 09, 2003
Crash Cart Alert
Vice President Dick Cheney has announced that he's "serious as three heart attacks" about running for reelection with George Bush. Scary thing is, he meant that literally.
Cheney did have more to say, but the remainder of his speech was drowned out by the incessant beeping of his defibrillator.
Cheney did have more to say, but the remainder of his speech was drowned out by the incessant beeping of his defibrillator.
Thursday, May 08, 2003
Bravo And Pass The Nyquil
Broadway producers, always desperate for a fresh new hit, have announced plans for a new musical about the SARS epidemic. It is tentatively titled "The Sound of Mucus."
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
The First Cut Is The Deepest
Michael Jordan has been let go by the Washington Wizards after a three year association with the team. During his stay, which included two seasons of actual playing time, the Wizards failed to make the playoffs even once. A team source says the decision was made because of poor end results and widespread player dissension among the rest of the team. Jordan had made several scathing remarks about the other players during the past several months. He is getting a $10 million for being released early from his contract.
For his part, His Airness is expressing shock and outrage at the team's decision, saying he does not deserve such treatment.
Whatever. But if someone handed me $10 million bucks for getting fired, I'd shut my yap and head straight for the bank.
For his part, His Airness is expressing shock and outrage at the team's decision, saying he does not deserve such treatment.
Whatever. But if someone handed me $10 million bucks for getting fired, I'd shut my yap and head straight for the bank.
OOPSIES!!!
It's always embarrassing when a member of the extreme Christian right gets caught sinning. The latest of the holier than the rest of us to fall is Bob Bennett, who recently authored The Book of Virtues. To his credit, the book does not specifically condemn gambling, which is good, because Bennett just admitted that he has lost some $8 million over the last decade playing the slots. However, many of his fervent followers do view gambling as the devil's handiwork. Ironically, those are the very same people who attend Bennett's $50,000 speeches decrying the cultural decline of America, and made possible his addiction to games of chance.
No doubt they will also be the first to forgive him for being a two-faced weasel.
No doubt they will also be the first to forgive him for being a two-faced weasel.
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
Monday, May 05, 2003
Shake It, Baby
A small earthquake registering 3.9 on the Richter Scale hit central Virginia earlier today. It was marked by no collapsing buildings, no exploding gas pipelines, no bursting water mains, and no thousands of panic stricken people screaming & running through the streets.
Quite frankly, I'm disappointed.
Quite frankly, I'm disappointed.
Sunday, May 04, 2003
Space... The Lost Frontier
It seems the Soyuz capsule that returned the previous space station astronauts landed some 300 miles from its intended target. That really shouldn't surprise anyone, however. It was an all male crew, and no one was willing to stop to ask for directions.
Saturday, May 03, 2003
Priorities
On April 30, I wrote about the confusion created when different McDonalds are inconsistent in their interpretations of exactly what constitutes a "medium cup of coffee."
Someone named Gordon, evidently of the UK, took issue with my entry, writing: "Haven't you got anything more important to moan about? For God's sake, the size of a cup of coffee in McDonalds!" Well, no, as a matter of fact, I don't.
While it's true that there are any number of issues that may seem more important, the fact is that they must be put on hold until the coffee matter is resolved. I can not possibly be expected to solve petty little problems like continued unrest in the mideast, global warming, a collapsing world economy, killer asteroids, the extinction of entire species, the destruction of rainforests, discovering a non-polluting renewable energy source, perfecting faster than light interstellar travel, and finding a cure for SARS without first having had a proper cup of joe. After all, life is all about priorities.
By the same token, we wouldn't expect you Brits to fight the Germans and repel the Spanish Armada (simultaneously, of course) without first having yourselves a spot of tea....
Someone named Gordon, evidently of the UK, took issue with my entry, writing: "Haven't you got anything more important to moan about? For God's sake, the size of a cup of coffee in McDonalds!" Well, no, as a matter of fact, I don't.
While it's true that there are any number of issues that may seem more important, the fact is that they must be put on hold until the coffee matter is resolved. I can not possibly be expected to solve petty little problems like continued unrest in the mideast, global warming, a collapsing world economy, killer asteroids, the extinction of entire species, the destruction of rainforests, discovering a non-polluting renewable energy source, perfecting faster than light interstellar travel, and finding a cure for SARS without first having had a proper cup of joe. After all, life is all about priorities.
By the same token, we wouldn't expect you Brits to fight the Germans and repel the Spanish Armada (simultaneously, of course) without first having yourselves a spot of tea....
Friday, May 02, 2003
Mission: Accomplished
Standing on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, President Bush last night declared an end to major combat operations in Iraq. He then went on to say that the removal of Saddam Hussein was but one small victory in the much larger War on Terror. Bush was confident, however, that we would ultimately prevail because "our God can beat up their god."
In what may have been a not-so-subtle message to the rest of the world, Bush personally flew the S-38 Viking aircraft for several minutes while enroute to the carrier, and bombed a series of targets marked Syria, Iran, and North Korea. The practice run went reasonably well, except that the target named North Korea did manage to completely destroy a fourth, smaller target labelled Seoul before going up in flames itself.
In what may have been a not-so-subtle message to the rest of the world, Bush personally flew the S-38 Viking aircraft for several minutes while enroute to the carrier, and bombed a series of targets marked Syria, Iran, and North Korea. The practice run went reasonably well, except that the target named North Korea did manage to completely destroy a fourth, smaller target labelled Seoul before going up in flames itself.
Spam Me, Baby
The Federal Trade Commision is continuing to look at ways to bring spam--which now accounts for 45% of ALL email traffic--under control. AOL, Earthlink, and MicroSoft are also working on ways to deal with the problem.
Eileen Harrington of the FTC viows to make this a priority issue for the agency. She promises to send out email updates to every man , woman, and child at least three times a week, whether they want to receive them or not.
Eileen Harrington of the FTC viows to make this a priority issue for the agency. She promises to send out email updates to every man , woman, and child at least three times a week, whether they want to receive them or not.
Thursday, May 01, 2003
DC has announced a major crackdown on unauthorized sidewalk cafes. Well, it's about time!! It's good to see that the police will finally be tackling a long neglected law enforcement issue, rather than wasting their time on trivial matters like chasing rapists, solving murders, and catching car thieves.
Tuesday, November 01, 1994
Sprint USA launches its new high fiber optic network. The revolutionary technology will provide clearer communication and improved regularity.
November 3
A startling new book in England details george Burns' ongoing affair with the Queen Mother.
November 5
In a stunning upset that turns the boxing world on its ear, 45 year old George Foreman scores a tenth round knockout against heavily favored Shannen Doherty.
November 6
During an appearance at a suburban Chicago shopping mall, Barney the Dinosaur suddenly realizes his true calling and begins screaming "I'm a Velociraptor! I'm a Velociraptor!"
Terrified three and four year olds run for their lives.
November 8
Election day '94 finally arrives. Marion Barry returns to power in DC; Ollie North loses in Virginia; Republicans win control of both houses of Congress; and the nation breathes a sigh of relief as the news media is once again free to devote its full time and attention to O.J.'s bloody socks.
November 9
Jubilant Republicans in F-15 fighters stafe Democrats attempting to flee Washington.
November 11
Incoming Senate Majority leader Robert Dole offers to sit down with President clinton and "smoke a peace pipe." An exited Marion Barry offers not only to join them, but to bring "some really good shit."
November 12
Mister Rogers attempts to negotiate with the rampaging Barney.
He is immediately eaten.
November 14
November 15
A genetic engineering experiment goes hideously wrong, creating a tomato that produces more milk.
November 18
Cab Calloway will hi de hi no mo.
November 19
In England, a new book reveals that Fergie once carried on a longstanding affair with a space alien.
November 20
David Crosby gets his order of liver.
November 21
Jerry Seinfeld and Shoshonna Lonstein end their 18 month old romance. A spokesperson for the former couple blames the breakup on stress caused by Lonstein's upcoming graduation from junior High.
November 22
Tired of reptile jokes about his name, incoming Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich decides to soften his image by changing it to "Flesh Eating Bacteria Gingich."
November 24
Terrified inmates at the LA County jail riot when O.J. is allowed to carve the turkey.
November 25 FBI agents corner Barney. During the attempt to capture the purple carnivore, they accidentally burn him down.
November 26
The first major winter storm of the season hits the west and midwest, and cold weather grips much of the rest of the nation.
Meanwhile, in Arkansas, Paula Jones files a sexual harassment suit against Jack Frost for nipping at her nose.
November 27
Pope John Paul inducts 30 new members into the College of Cardinals. It is unclear whether they will be assigned to dormitories or off campus housing.
November 28
Inmates at a Wisconsin prison give Jeffrey Dahmer his just deserts.
November 30
The US Postal Service announces plans to raise the price of a first class stamp to 32 cents in January. The increase is made necessary by the increased cost of storing trailer loads of lost letters at random sites around the country.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 3
A startling new book in England details george Burns' ongoing affair with the Queen Mother.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 5
In a stunning upset that turns the boxing world on its ear, 45 year old George Foreman scores a tenth round knockout against heavily favored Shannen Doherty.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 6
During an appearance at a suburban Chicago shopping mall, Barney the Dinosaur suddenly realizes his true calling and begins screaming "I'm a Velociraptor! I'm a Velociraptor!"
Terrified three and four year olds run for their lives.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 8
Election day '94 finally arrives. Marion Barry returns to power in DC; Ollie North loses in Virginia; Republicans win control of both houses of Congress; and the nation breathes a sigh of relief as the news media is once again free to devote its full time and attention to O.J.'s bloody socks.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 9
Jubilant Republicans in F-15 fighters stafe Democrats attempting to flee Washington.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 11
Incoming Senate Majority leader Robert Dole offers to sit down with President clinton and "smoke a peace pipe." An exited Marion Barry offers not only to join them, but to bring "some really good shit."
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 12
Mister Rogers attempts to negotiate with the rampaging Barney.
He is immediately eaten.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 14
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 15
A genetic engineering experiment goes hideously wrong, creating a tomato that produces more milk.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 18
Cab Calloway will hi de hi no mo.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 19
In England, a new book reveals that Fergie once carried on a longstanding affair with a space alien.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 20
David Crosby gets his order of liver.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 21
Jerry Seinfeld and Shoshonna Lonstein end their 18 month old romance. A spokesperson for the former couple blames the breakup on stress caused by Lonstein's upcoming graduation from junior High.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 22
Tired of reptile jokes about his name, incoming Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich decides to soften his image by changing it to "Flesh Eating Bacteria Gingich."
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 24
Terrified inmates at the LA County jail riot when O.J. is allowed to carve the turkey.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 25 FBI agents corner Barney. During the attempt to capture the purple carnivore, they accidentally burn him down.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 26
The first major winter storm of the season hits the west and midwest, and cold weather grips much of the rest of the nation.
Meanwhile, in Arkansas, Paula Jones files a sexual harassment suit against Jack Frost for nipping at her nose.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 27
Pope John Paul inducts 30 new members into the College of Cardinals. It is unclear whether they will be assigned to dormitories or off campus housing.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 28
Inmates at a Wisconsin prison give Jeffrey Dahmer his just deserts.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
November 30
The US Postal Service announces plans to raise the price of a first class stamp to 32 cents in January. The increase is made necessary by the increased cost of storing trailer loads of lost letters at random sites around the country.
Monday, October 24, 1994
The National Hockey League, instead of beginning its season, lands itself in the penalty box with a players' strike.
And in a surprise move, Whoopi Godberg weds David Duke.
October 2
Baseball's regular season ends. Well, theoretically, of course, since they're still on strike.
October 3
Harriet Nelson reunites with Ozzie.
October 4
Juraissec Park comes stomping into video stores nationwide. Barney the Dinosaur, hoping to find his true self, buys a copy for himself.
October 7
Scandal again rocks the House of Windsor as a new book chronicles Lady Di's three year affair with her riding instructor.
October 9
The Burt Reynolds-Loni Anderson divorce erupts into a a fierce custody battle over a Pepe LePew cell.
October 11
October 13
NASA is forced to cancel the Magellan spacecraft's planned descent into the atmosphere of Venus when the EPA demands an environmental impact statement.
October 15
Having successfully mastered the "duck and cover" manuever, Haitian President Jean-Luc Aristide returns to power.
October 17
Jury selection is briefly interrupted when O.J. climbs onto the defense table and begins singing the song "Memories" from Cats.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 18
All of Britain is in an uproar when a new biography of Prince Charles reveals that he carried on a longstanding affair with his polo pony.
October 20
Pope John Paul II's book Crossing the Threshold of Hope is published in hardcover. The papalback edition is expected out early next year.
October 22
Princess Di visits Washington. President Clinton, accompanied by two Arkansas state troopers, offers to meet her in a hotel room.
October 23
Roseanne is among the participants in this year's Marine Corps Marathon. Several bridges along the route suffer structural damage.
October 24
Final credits roll for Raul Julia.
October 25
After viewing Juraissic Park 47 times, Barney the Dinosaur goes into seclusion to sort out his fellings.
October 26
President Clinton, hoping to dispel rumors that he's ignorant of foreign affairs, travels to the mideast to witness the signing of a historic peace treaty between Israel and Jordan. "maybe I can get Michael's autograph," says the President.
October 29
Tourists outside the White House tackle and subdue a man shooting at the Presidential Mansion. Secret service agents, alerted by news reports on CNN, quickly rush outside to make the arrest.
And in a surprise move, Whoopi Godberg weds David Duke.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 2
Baseball's regular season ends. Well, theoretically, of course, since they're still on strike.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 3
Harriet Nelson reunites with Ozzie.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 4
Juraissec Park comes stomping into video stores nationwide. Barney the Dinosaur, hoping to find his true self, buys a copy for himself.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 7
Scandal again rocks the House of Windsor as a new book chronicles Lady Di's three year affair with her riding instructor.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 9
The Burt Reynolds-Loni Anderson divorce erupts into a a fierce custody battle over a Pepe LePew cell.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 11
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 13
NASA is forced to cancel the Magellan spacecraft's planned descent into the atmosphere of Venus when the EPA demands an environmental impact statement.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 15
Having successfully mastered the "duck and cover" manuever, Haitian President Jean-Luc Aristide returns to power.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 17
Jury selection is briefly interrupted when O.J. climbs onto the defense table and begins singing the song "Memories" from Cats.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 18
All of Britain is in an uproar when a new biography of Prince Charles reveals that he carried on a longstanding affair with his polo pony.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 20
Pope John Paul II's book Crossing the Threshold of Hope is published in hardcover. The papalback edition is expected out early next year.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 22
Princess Di visits Washington. President Clinton, accompanied by two Arkansas state troopers, offers to meet her in a hotel room.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 23
Roseanne is among the participants in this year's Marine Corps Marathon. Several bridges along the route suffer structural damage.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 24
Final credits roll for Raul Julia.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 25
After viewing Juraissic Park 47 times, Barney the Dinosaur goes into seclusion to sort out his fellings.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 26
President Clinton, hoping to dispel rumors that he's ignorant of foreign affairs, travels to the mideast to witness the signing of a historic peace treaty between Israel and Jordan. "maybe I can get Michael's autograph," says the President.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
October 29
Tourists outside the White House tackle and subdue a man shooting at the Presidential Mansion. Secret service agents, alerted by news reports on CNN, quickly rush outside to make the arrest.
Thursday, September 01, 1994
A federal judge in New York rules that the city can not prohibit women from going topless on subway trains. Senators Kennedy and Packwood catch the next shuttle to La Guardia.
September 4
Norv Turner's Redskins make their regular season debut in Washington. Several hundred spectators are rushed to area hospitals after being overcome by the resulting stench.
September 5
The annual Jerry Lewis Telethon raises over $47 million for the Clinton Defense Fund.
September 8
Michael Jackson kisses Lisa Marie on the nationally televised MTV Music Awards show.
Millions of viewers recoil from their TV's in horror.
September 9
John Wayne Bobbitt begins filming an X-rated film. Delays quickly result since Bobbitt has a tendancy to pass out whenever the director yells "CUT!"
September 10
TRUE--Concerned about falling birthrates in Russia, Parliament member Vladimer Zhirnovsky announces plans to father a child in each region of the country.
September 11
Jessica Tandy is driven for the last time.
September 12
A plane crashes on the White House Lawn. After conducting a quick inventory, USAir proudly announces that it's not one of their's.
September 15
President Clinton goes on National TV to convince reluctant Americans that an invasion of Haiti is necessary. He pledges to do it quickly so as not to conflict with coverage of the upcoming O.J. trial.
September 17
Heather Whitestone of Alabama is crowned Miss America, the first deaf woman to win the honor. Though many of the contestants talked about her behind her back, she didn't seem to notice.
September 19
Former President Jimmy Carter meets with Haitian dictator Raoul Cedras in a last ditch effort to mediate the conflict. Cedras surrenders power when someone reminds him what happened to North Korean strongman Kim Il Jong shortly after HE met with Carter.
September 21
Michael Jackson gets off when the LA District Attorney's office decides not to press child molestation charges.
The singer gets off a second time when Lisa Marie takes him out to a Chuck E Cheese to celebrate.
September 23
The Clinton healthcare bill is found dead on the steps of the US Capitol. Bob Dole is seen fleeing the area in a bloodstained white Ford Bronco.
September 24
September 25
Concerned about his falling popularity in the the polls, Bill Clinton announces plans to father a child in each state. Critics point out he's pretty much already tried that.
September 27
Jury selection in the O.J. trial begins. In an effort to find 12 unbiased individuals who have not suffered overexposure to media coverage, NASA begins shuttling Martians to Judge Lance Ito's courtroom.
September 28
Boris Yeltsin visits the US. He meets with President Clinton to discuss world hunger, negotiate the finer points of nuclear disarmament, and offer his own theories on the O.J. case.
September 29
The bloody remains of Disney's plans to build a new theme park adjacent to the Bull Run National Battlefield in Virginia are discovered in a field near the site. Several Civil War are seen fleeing the area on white broncos.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 4
Norv Turner's Redskins make their regular season debut in Washington. Several hundred spectators are rushed to area hospitals after being overcome by the resulting stench.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 5
The annual Jerry Lewis Telethon raises over $47 million for the Clinton Defense Fund.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 8
Michael Jackson kisses Lisa Marie on the nationally televised MTV Music Awards show.
Millions of viewers recoil from their TV's in horror.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 9
John Wayne Bobbitt begins filming an X-rated film. Delays quickly result since Bobbitt has a tendancy to pass out whenever the director yells "CUT!"
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 10
TRUE--Concerned about falling birthrates in Russia, Parliament member Vladimer Zhirnovsky announces plans to father a child in each region of the country.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 11
Jessica Tandy is driven for the last time.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 12
A plane crashes on the White House Lawn. After conducting a quick inventory, USAir proudly announces that it's not one of their's.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 15
President Clinton goes on National TV to convince reluctant Americans that an invasion of Haiti is necessary. He pledges to do it quickly so as not to conflict with coverage of the upcoming O.J. trial.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 17
Heather Whitestone of Alabama is crowned Miss America, the first deaf woman to win the honor. Though many of the contestants talked about her behind her back, she didn't seem to notice.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 19
Former President Jimmy Carter meets with Haitian dictator Raoul Cedras in a last ditch effort to mediate the conflict. Cedras surrenders power when someone reminds him what happened to North Korean strongman Kim Il Jong shortly after HE met with Carter.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 21
Michael Jackson gets off when the LA District Attorney's office decides not to press child molestation charges.
The singer gets off a second time when Lisa Marie takes him out to a Chuck E Cheese to celebrate.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 23
The Clinton healthcare bill is found dead on the steps of the US Capitol. Bob Dole is seen fleeing the area in a bloodstained white Ford Bronco.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 24
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 25
Concerned about his falling popularity in the the polls, Bill Clinton announces plans to father a child in each state. Critics point out he's pretty much already tried that.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 27
Jury selection in the O.J. trial begins. In an effort to find 12 unbiased individuals who have not suffered overexposure to media coverage, NASA begins shuttling Martians to Judge Lance Ito's courtroom.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 28
Boris Yeltsin visits the US. He meets with President Clinton to discuss world hunger, negotiate the finer points of nuclear disarmament, and offer his own theories on the O.J. case.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
September 29
The bloody remains of Disney's plans to build a new theme park adjacent to the Bull Run National Battlefield in Virginia are discovered in a field near the site. Several Civil War are seen fleeing the area on white broncos.
Monday, August 01, 1994
The Rolling Stones open their latest farewill tour at DC's RFK Stadium. The concert is briefly disrupted when Charlie Watts and his walker tumble into the front row.
August 2
Finally putting rumors to rest, Lisa Marie Presley confirms that she and Michael Jackson were secretly married on May 25. She says they look forward to building a large family since "Michael really seems to like kids."
August 3
In a rare triple header, Arkansas carries out three executions in one night, putting a severe strain on the state's power grid.
Despite last minute appeals from President Clinton, prison officials decline to add Paula Jones to the lineup.
August 4
The nation's political landscape is thrown into total disarray when Howard Stern withdraws from the New York gubernatorial race.
August 8
Tonya Harding is upset when Penthouse publishes several nude photographs of her. She whacks Bob Guccionne on the knee.
August 11
O.J. Simpson undergoes surgery at an LA hospital. While strapped to his gurney, the former football star turned enraged homicidal maniac leads police on a wild low speed chase through the hospital's corridors.
August 12
Baseball strikes out.
August 13
In a surprising turn of events, France actually shows some backbone when its agents arrest notorious terrorist Carlos the Jackal. He had been living in the Middle East under the assumed name of Carlos the Flesh Eating Bacteria.
August 14
In a beautiful performance the Three Tenors upstage the band Nine Inch Nails at Woodstock '94. Unfortunately, several spectators are killed when Pavarotti dives into the mosh pit.
August 15
The National Enquirer reports that Elvis, having heard who his daughter married, has finally died.
August 17
The Capital Beltway turns 30. A planned birthday bash is is canceled when the guests get hung up in traffic.
August 19
The Clinton administration, in an effort to prove ti means business in Haiti, threatens to revoke the ruling military junta's Price Club membership.
August 21
The British royal family is again rocked by scandal as Di is accused of repeatedly calling an acquaintance and asking if he has Prince Albert in a can.
August 22
In Honolulu an elephant goes berserk at a circus and kills two trainers. A spokesman explains that Roseanne was still upset over her breakup with Tom Arnold.
August 23
In LA Todd Lawrence is convicted of stalking Madonna and repeatedly peeking through her windows in an attempt to catch a rare glimpse of the star fully clothed.
August 24
August 25
A group of kids in Belle Glade, Florida discover mercury in an abandoned van. By the time they're done playing with it, several hundred people and the entire neighborhood must undergo decontamination procedures.
Meanwhile, astronomers are at a loss to explain how the planet ended up in the back of a van to begin with.
August 27
DNA test results on the glove found at O.J.'s house indicate that it's the one Michael Jackson lost several years ago.
August 28
In Brownsville, Texas a man mowing his lawn accidentally hits a nest and is swarmed by thousands of Africanized killer flesh eating bacteria.
August 29
The Wonderbra makes its US debut. Madonna begins hording them.
August 31
A judge in LA sentences Todd Lawrence to stalk Roseanne.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 2
Finally putting rumors to rest, Lisa Marie Presley confirms that she and Michael Jackson were secretly married on May 25. She says they look forward to building a large family since "Michael really seems to like kids."
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 3
In a rare triple header, Arkansas carries out three executions in one night, putting a severe strain on the state's power grid.
Despite last minute appeals from President Clinton, prison officials decline to add Paula Jones to the lineup.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 4
The nation's political landscape is thrown into total disarray when Howard Stern withdraws from the New York gubernatorial race.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 8
Tonya Harding is upset when Penthouse publishes several nude photographs of her. She whacks Bob Guccionne on the knee.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 11
O.J. Simpson undergoes surgery at an LA hospital. While strapped to his gurney, the former football star turned enraged homicidal maniac leads police on a wild low speed chase through the hospital's corridors.
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August 12
Baseball strikes out.
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August 13
In a surprising turn of events, France actually shows some backbone when its agents arrest notorious terrorist Carlos the Jackal. He had been living in the Middle East under the assumed name of Carlos the Flesh Eating Bacteria.
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August 14
In a beautiful performance the Three Tenors upstage the band Nine Inch Nails at Woodstock '94. Unfortunately, several spectators are killed when Pavarotti dives into the mosh pit.
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August 15
The National Enquirer reports that Elvis, having heard who his daughter married, has finally died.
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August 17
The Capital Beltway turns 30. A planned birthday bash is is canceled when the guests get hung up in traffic.
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August 19
The Clinton administration, in an effort to prove ti means business in Haiti, threatens to revoke the ruling military junta's Price Club membership.
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August 21
The British royal family is again rocked by scandal as Di is accused of repeatedly calling an acquaintance and asking if he has Prince Albert in a can.
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August 22
In Honolulu an elephant goes berserk at a circus and kills two trainers. A spokesman explains that Roseanne was still upset over her breakup with Tom Arnold.
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August 23
In LA Todd Lawrence is convicted of stalking Madonna and repeatedly peeking through her windows in an attempt to catch a rare glimpse of the star fully clothed.
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August 24
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August 25
A group of kids in Belle Glade, Florida discover mercury in an abandoned van. By the time they're done playing with it, several hundred people and the entire neighborhood must undergo decontamination procedures.
Meanwhile, astronomers are at a loss to explain how the planet ended up in the back of a van to begin with.
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August 27
DNA test results on the glove found at O.J.'s house indicate that it's the one Michael Jackson lost several years ago.
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August 28
In Brownsville, Texas a man mowing his lawn accidentally hits a nest and is swarmed by thousands of Africanized killer flesh eating bacteria.
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August 29
The Wonderbra makes its US debut. Madonna begins hording them.
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August 31
A judge in LA sentences Todd Lawrence to stalk Roseanne.
Friday, July 01, 1994
In a stunning come-from-behind upset victory, Val Kilmer is elected to replace Michael Keaton in the next Batman movie.
Despite spending millions of his own money, Ross Perot comes in third.
July 3
Former President Jimmy Carter meets with North Korean leader Kim Il Jung in an effort to diffuse the ongoing nuclear crisis.
July 4
DNA testing provides conclusive evidence that George Washington is NOT the father of our country.
Betsy Ross drops her paternity suit.
July 5
Preliminary hearings on the O.J. Simpson case begin. Today's star witness is Kato Kaelin, with testimony from the Green Hornet expected tomorrow.
July 8
Kim Il Jung dies unexpectedly. North Korean authorities seek Jimmy Carter for questioning after he is spotted driving a slow moving bloodstained Ford Bronco toward the demilitarized zone.
July 9
O.J. Simpson turns 47. Surprisingly, no one will give him a knife to cut the cake.
July 10
July 11
A study concludes that Washington, DC has the worst postal service in the nation. The 1989 report would have been released sooner, except that it got lost in the mail.
July 14
Don King is indicted on charges of insurance fraud, which causes his hair to fall down.
July 16
Jose Carreras, Placido Domingo, and Luciano Pavarotti--billed as The Three Tenors--perform at Dodger Stadium. However, this show is merely a warm-up for their expected appearance at next month's Woodstock '94.
Also today, chunks from the comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 begin colliding with Jupiter. Startled astronomers discover several tractor trailer loads of undelivered mail beneath the planet's murky atmosphere.
July 18
The Clinton administration, in a sign that its patience with Haiti is wearing thin, threatens to shut off the military jenta's HBO service.
July 20
It's the 20th anniversary of the first moonwalk. Michael Jackson, busy with a slumber party involving a dozen 12 year old boys, which is perfectly normal behavior for an adult, is unable to participate in ceremonies marking the event.
July 22
Providing further evidence that Hollywood has run out of original ideas, a new Lassie movie hits the theaters. This time American's favorite collie faces a moral dilemma: Save Timmy from drowning in that damn pond yet again, or disarm a nuclear warhead threatening New York.
July 25
A new study released by the Surgeon General reveals that smoking is the nation's leading cause of statistics.
July 26
Mick Jagger turns 51. Though he still can't get no stinkin' satisfaction, time is on his side, yes it is.
July 27
The health care debate turns nasty when, during a debate in the Senate, Hillary Clinton whacks Bob Dole on the knee with a gavel.
July 30
Michael Jordan stuns the sports world when he hits his very first home run. He ends up dunking home plate.
July 31
Astronomers announce that several comet chunks are on a collision course with Pluto. In response to the threat, Disney World is evacuated.
Despite spending millions of his own money, Ross Perot comes in third.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 3
Former President Jimmy Carter meets with North Korean leader Kim Il Jung in an effort to diffuse the ongoing nuclear crisis.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 4
DNA testing provides conclusive evidence that George Washington is NOT the father of our country.
Betsy Ross drops her paternity suit.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 5
Preliminary hearings on the O.J. Simpson case begin. Today's star witness is Kato Kaelin, with testimony from the Green Hornet expected tomorrow.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 8
Kim Il Jung dies unexpectedly. North Korean authorities seek Jimmy Carter for questioning after he is spotted driving a slow moving bloodstained Ford Bronco toward the demilitarized zone.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 9
O.J. Simpson turns 47. Surprisingly, no one will give him a knife to cut the cake.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 10
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 11
A study concludes that Washington, DC has the worst postal service in the nation. The 1989 report would have been released sooner, except that it got lost in the mail.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 14
Don King is indicted on charges of insurance fraud, which causes his hair to fall down.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 16
Jose Carreras, Placido Domingo, and Luciano Pavarotti--billed as The Three Tenors--perform at Dodger Stadium. However, this show is merely a warm-up for their expected appearance at next month's Woodstock '94.
Also today, chunks from the comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 begin colliding with Jupiter. Startled astronomers discover several tractor trailer loads of undelivered mail beneath the planet's murky atmosphere.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 18
The Clinton administration, in a sign that its patience with Haiti is wearing thin, threatens to shut off the military jenta's HBO service.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 20
It's the 20th anniversary of the first moonwalk. Michael Jackson, busy with a slumber party involving a dozen 12 year old boys, which is perfectly normal behavior for an adult, is unable to participate in ceremonies marking the event.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 22
Providing further evidence that Hollywood has run out of original ideas, a new Lassie movie hits the theaters. This time American's favorite collie faces a moral dilemma: Save Timmy from drowning in that damn pond yet again, or disarm a nuclear warhead threatening New York.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 25
A new study released by the Surgeon General reveals that smoking is the nation's leading cause of statistics.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 26
Mick Jagger turns 51. Though he still can't get no stinkin' satisfaction, time is on his side, yes it is.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 27
The health care debate turns nasty when, during a debate in the Senate, Hillary Clinton whacks Bob Dole on the knee with a gavel.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 30
Michael Jordan stuns the sports world when he hits his very first home run. He ends up dunking home plate.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
July 31
Astronomers announce that several comet chunks are on a collision course with Pluto. In response to the threat, Disney World is evacuated.
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