Damn Right You Did

That Really Was a GIANT Leap

Does She Even Know the Meaning of the Word 'Irony?'

Did you catch Condoleezza Rice's speech to the Republican Convention? She had nothing but harsh words for President Obama's foreign policy, saying that America's failure to lead had made the world a more dangerous place.

Really? The person who was Bush's National Security Adviser on 9-11 has the audacity to criticize the foreign policy of the man who finally killed bin Laden?!?!?! Not to mention the fact that she was one of the top members of the team that blundered the United States into Iraq. Not to mention the time her boss threatened out allies with "either you're with us or you're against us." That little fiasco cost us over 4000 American lives, a trillion dollars, destabilized the Middle East, and cleared the way for Iran's rise to a major regional power. And now she's going to denigrate the man who has cleaned up that mess? Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!

Please tell me this is a joke.

Happy Anniversary

I'm guessing New Orleans would have gladly settled for something simpler, like flowers or a box of chocolates, on the seventh anniversary of Katrina.

Arizona Giving Mississippi aRun for the Money in the Stupidest State Derby

Believe it or not, Arizona has passed a law saying that pregnancy starts two weeks before conception. How is this possible, you ask? It has something to do with menstrual cycles. The net effect, however, is to lessen the time that a woman can legally get an abortion in the state.

If that's not crazy enough, Arizons will also be hosting a "birthers" convention. Seriously. Good thing, too. That Obama's a slick one. He managed to plant TWO birth announcements in Hawaiian newspapers when he was less than a day old and living in a Nairobi hospital's nursery, and has spent the last four years fooling the FBI, the Secret Service, and the nation's entire national security apparatus.

I remember the good old days when I used to think that a zombie apocalypse would be how the world ends. I now know better. The world will end in a stupidity apocalypse.

Don't Shoot Me, I'm Just the Guitar Player

This also explains why you often see Mormon guys carrying three or four or even more guitars.

One Can Only Hope

If there's any justice in this world, the convention hall will be swallowed by a giant vagina.

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow UpTo Be Republicans

(click for full size)

New Official Photo Portrait of the British Royals Released

R.I.P.

This is what Neil deGrasse Tyson had to say on the death of Neil Armstrong:

Neil Armstrong (1930-2012) was not entirely human. He was the spiritual repository of our spacefaring dreams & ambitions. In death, a little bit of us all dies with him. Farewell my friend. And now, perhaps more than ever, I bid you godspeed.

-Neil deGrasse Tyson

Why Cats Make Lousy Advice Columnists

Traffic Alert

Expect traffic snarls throughout the country this weekend. Republicans will be conducting random uterus inspections.

Who Would Make a Better President? Romney or Manson?

Who's Worse? The Taliban or Republicans?

Proof That Evolution Is Just a Theory

Evolutionary scientists say that the Neanderthals died out 30,000 years ago. The modern day Republican party proves that those scientists are wrong.

Well, If You Believe God Sent Katrina to Punish New Orleans....

Wow, even God thinks the Republicans are crazy. He's about to smite them!!

The militant Amish are the worst. They're so frighteningly violent, they can't even be pictured here without endangering YOU, my dear readers. For if anyone as much as even views their images, they show up at your house, kill you, rape your pets, and take your spouses.

Granted, it's not immediate, since they drive horse pulled buggies, but they will eventually show up.

Lions & Tigers & Humans, Oh My!

Does that cage have a bathroom in it? Because I'd be shitting the whole time.

Foresight.... Not to Be Confused with Foreskin

I'm just glad that God had the foresight to create the rest of the universe so the Hubble Space Telescope would have something to look at.

This is what will happen if the outside world is ever allowed to gaze upon Mitt Romney's hidden tax returns.

Why Republicans Would Have It EasyDuring a Zompie Apocalypse

The principle downside of a zombie apocalypse within the next three months would be a Romney victory in November.

Not Your Father's Shark Week

It Had to Be Said

Hmm.... Maybe Same Sex MarriageISN'T That Great an Idea

Republicans had predicted that if "Obamacare" passed, it would lead to the creation of death panels. Well, they were right.... Only THEY'RE the ones deciding who will die.

Getting a Rise from the Dead

Sure, the guy CLAIMS he was just sleeping in the river, but how do we know he isn't just part of a reconnaissance team for the coming zombie apocalypse?

The fact remains that there has been an inordinate amount of suspicious activity lately. Remember the Baltimore man who ate someone's brain? Or the guy who ate a dead guy's face? Or the dead baby who was found alive in the morgue? Or the dead Chinese woman who climbed out of her coffin?

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to begin stocking up on canned goods.

Not All Muensters Are Nice

Let's not let a bunch of cheap jokes about Paul Ryan looking like Eddie Munster distract us from the fact that he is a sociopath.
--The Borowitz Report

The Secret to a Long Life

Ernest Borgnine, who died a few days ago at the age of 95, was 91 when he shared his secret to a long life with a national TV audience.... And at the rate I'm going, I should easily make it to 115 myself.

I'll let Samuel L. Jackson sum up my feelings on this Higgs-Boson crap:

Remember

Nothing Worse Than Heretic Scum

"I Am an Atheist,And My Universe Is Limitless"

And They Were Horny Little Buggers

Here's a fascinating story out of England: Evidence that unicorns were once real! The proof is in a recently discovered cookbook from the Middle Ages which has recipes for, among other things, hedgehogs, blackbirds, and--yes--unicorns!

"After recipes for herring, tripe and codswallop (fish stew, a popular dish in the Middle Ages) comes that beginning "Taketh one unicorne". The recipe calls for the beast to be marinaded in cloves and garlic, and then roasted on a griddle. The cookbook's compiler, doubtless Geoffrey Fule himself, added pictures in its margins, depicting the unicorn being prepared and then served."

I'm guessing it tasted a lot like chicken.

Here Kitty, Kitty

I'm convinced that the Romans didn't feed early Christians to the lions just to persecute them. The REAL reason was that the Romans were sick and tired of Christians' constant self-righteous holier-than-thou preaching.

Better Cancel Next Week's Picnic

Do the Right Thing

I had a really bizarre dream last night. It was about 2000 years ago and had just come out of a Starbucks in Judea when I noticed a screaming mob down the street. So I went to see what was what.

It was Jesus and His disciples, and they were stoning some woman who was cowering in the middle of the street. So I turned to Jesus and said, "My lord, what hath this poor wretch done to deserve this? Is she a prostitute?"

"No," said our savior. "Much worse."

"Is she a thief?" I asked.

"No," said the son of God. "Much, much worse."

"Was she caught using birth control?"

"No," said the lord. "Even worse. She's an illegal alien who has come here looking for a better life her family."

Horrified, I picked up the biggest rock I could find and bashed her skull in.

So Jesus patted me on the back and bought me a beer.

I'm from the Government, And I'm Here to Save Your Soul

I had a truly frightening nightmare last night. It started with with Rick Santorum's inauguration as President next January 20. No sooner is that done, the new President orders the government to round up all atheists, Jews, Unitarians, and anyone else whose Christian credentials are in doubt, and ship them all off to forced Bible study camps.

And if that wasn't bad enough, I ended up in a boxcar full of Jehova's Witnesses.

Sad But True

Happy Valentine's Day!

Catholic Hypocrisy

Really? The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has "serious moral concerns" about Obama's proposed birth-control plan? More concern than, say, about knowingly relocating child-molesting priests and deliberately trying to cover up their crimes?

These men have no business lecturing ANYONE on what is moral and what isn't. If hypocrisy and irony were mortal sins, America's bishops would be doomed to burn in the eternal fires of hell.

Too Bad This Isn't Available as a Firefox Extension

Bus Ahoy!

Italian Cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino began his new job as a bus driver last Friday.

"We're Going Down"

I still remember what I was doing 30 years ago today.

I was working at a record (Round black things that played music when you stuck a needle on them. Seriously.) store in Manassas Mall- Harmony Hut, if you're being nosy--and we had received word to close early because of a snowstorm. On the way home I was listening to the radio when the announcer interrupted with a news bulletin that a plane had just crashed into the Potomac River.

When I got to the house I immediately turned on the TV and the first thing I saw was a U.S. Park Police helicopter trying to rescue people from the river. At one point the pilot, officer Don Usher, actually dipped the skids into the water as another guy leaned out the open door to grab a survivor. And while I may not know squat about flying a helicopter, I know enough to realize that was one hell of a daring move.

The plane that had gone down was Air Florida flight 90. It had just taken off from National Airport, gotten maybe 50 feet into the air, and then stalled. On its way down, the Boeing 727 clipped the 14th Street Bridge and killed four motorists who were stuck in rush hour traffic. The plane then smashed through the ice of the frozen river below.

Investigators quickly concluded that the plane had stalled because of ice on its wings. Although it had been de-iced while still at the gate, the plane got stuck as it was pulling away. That ended up costing it almost an hour delay, enough time for ice to begin reforming on its exterior.

As it turns out, however, investigators also found that the causes of this tragedy went well beyond mere frozen slush. It got to the heart of how people interact with superiors. For example, on the black box recording the copilot could be heard voicing concerns about some anomalous readings from one of the engines, readings probably caused by the buildup of ice over various sensors. The pilot, however, ignored the warnings. And the copilot, rather than continuing to press the issue, declined to further challenge his Captain's authority.

Finally, at 4:01 PM, came the final exchange between the Captain and his First Officer (Graphic of time line, cockpit recordings):

First Officer: Larry, we're going down, Larry.
Captain: I know it.

The lessons learned from the accident investigation carried over into other modes of transportation, as well as even the medical profession. The bottom line was don't be afraid to challenge your superiors if you see a potential problem. (More photos).

Amazingly, four passengers and a flight attendant from the plane ended up surviving thanks to the heroic efforts of several passersby.

Roger Olian was a sheet metal foreman at Saint Elizabeth's hospital. He was on his way home when the plane crashed near him. Before rescue workers had a chance to begin arriving, he and several other people fashioned a long "rope" out of jumper cables, panty hose, and scarves. He tied one end around his waist and then crawled out onto the ice. He got to within a few yards of the wreckage when the helicopter arrived and was pulled back to shore.

Then there was a lowly government worker named Lenny Skutnik. He watched one woman repeatedly trying to grab the rescue line from the chopper, but the 29 degree water had weakened her to the point where she could no longer hold on to the rope. So what did this idiot go and do? He jumped into the freezing water without a lifeline, swam 30 feet through chunks of broken ice, grabbed the woman, and dragged her back to shore.

People call athletes heroes for pulling in multi-million dollar paychecks. But when is the last time Peyton Manning jumped into 29 degree water to save someone's life? Has Tim Tebow ever risked his neck piloting a rescue helicopter during a blinding snowstorm?

Two weeks later, Skutnik got to sit next to Nancy Reagan as her husband delivered the State of the Union Address. During the speech, President Reagan congratulated Skutnik by name for his actions. And while many other people have since been invited to the annual presidential addresses and singled out for recognition, Skutnik was the first. He still lives in the same Washington area townhouse as 30 years ago, but has since retired from the Congressional Budget Office.

Finally and most sadly, there was Arland Williams. He was a passenger on the plane and survived the crash itself. But he kept passing the helicopter's life line to other surviving passengers. And what became of Williams?

He had been so busy saving others that he drowned before he could save himself.

WUSA news report



Documentary, part 1 (Includes interviews with Skutnik, Olian,
a crash survivor, and the copter pilots)



Documentary, part 2



Documentary, part 3


Documentary, part 4

Gotta Love That Christmas Spirit!

This certainly captures the true spirit of the season as far as I'm concerned!

Damn Illegal Aliens Are Everywhere

What I Want for Christmas

You're Welcome

Finally, a Miracle Atheists Can Believe in

The First Thanksgiving

Some of you from distant lands such as Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, and the country of South America may not be familiar with this uniquely American holiday (granted, Canadians celebrate it as well, but we in the United States tend to ignore our northern neighbors except when it comes to the Stanley Cup standings) so here is a brief history of its origins:

Back in 1620, a group of Puritans (also known as pilgrims) had grown weary of the constant persecution and ridicule they were forced to endure in Europe. This was understandable, since they tended to dress funny.

Hoping to find a place where they would be free to practice their faith more openly and persecute someone else for a change, like witches, a group of them set sail on the Mayflower. The Mayflower was the largest moving van of its day, and considered a technological marvel for its ability to keep the poor Pilgrims from coming in contact with the rich ones. Their destination was the distant land of North America, which had recently been discovered by Christopher Columbus (Well, actually, it had been discovered by a guy named Leif Ericson, but he was Norwegian, and therefore didn't really count). Columbus had actually been looking for a new trade route to China, misread his GPS readings, and became hopelessly lost. Being a man, he refused to stop for directions. In recognition of his blithering incompetence, Columbus was given a Federal holiday.

But I digress.

Before the travelers could make it to the safety of Ellis Island, their moving van struck an iceberg and sank. This unexpected turn of events rudely interrupted the torrid but mostly chaste (at least until they ended up in the backseat of a Model T) shipboard romance of Jack Dawson and Pochohantas. Faced with a scarcity of lifeboats, many of the men nobly dressed up as women and children to procure a seat to safety.

The survivors eventually came ashore at Plymouth Rock, called such because a car dealership in Boston had purchased the naming rights. There they were befriended by native Americans, also known as Indians since they spoke with funny accents and were willing to work as computer programmers for incredibly low wages. Without their help, the pilgrims would never have gotten a sensible inventory control program up and running, and would have surely starved to death during the coming winter.

The following year yielded healthy crops and a bountiful harvest. That fall, the pilgrims invited their new Indian friends (who weren't actually from India) to share a feast of giving thanks to the good lord. And to further show their gratitude, the settlers gave the natives blankets, muskets, smallpox, and syphilis.

In return, the Indians introduced the newcomers to corn, tobacco, lung cancer, and scalping, especially when it comes to Springsteen tickets. They also built gambling casinos to take their money. Meanwhile, the Indians also fiercely debated whether the recent immigrants were destroying American culture.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of the first American Thanksgiving.

Good Question

Hitler Discovers That Perry F*cked Up His Last Debate Performance

This may well be the funniest Hitler video yet.

Splashdown!

For what it's worth, this is an understandably easy mistake to make. God knows I've had my share of bowel movements that feel like I'm giving birth!

More Like 400 Years

That Mary Magdalene Sure Was Hot!

Not only am I going straight to hell via the express lane, I'm NOT passing 'Go' and NOT collecting $200.

How Does Uranus Factor into All This?

Nothing to Lose Your Head Over

At Least We Know Whose Side Jesus Is On

This ran on the front page of today's Washington Post. It's a picture of Jesus tackling a New York city cop during the Occupy Wall Street protests.

Happy Columbus Day!

Today is Columbus Day, which commemorates Christopher Columbus' "discovery" of America in 1492. During the past few years the intrepid explorer's reputation has fallen victim to the rise of political correctness. No less an authority than Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has accused the explorer of "genocide." On the other hand, this ignores the minor detail that if there had been no Columbus, then Chavez would never have had a country to be President of, and he wouldn't be in a position to make such outlandish statements.

Such accusations about Columbus are unfortunate, and it's high time someone set the record straight.

First of all, Columbus--to the best of my knowledge--never killed any Indians, and he can hardly be held responsible for the actions of others who followed him. And does anyone honestly believe that if Columbus had NOT made his discovery, the rest of the world would not have somehow stumbled across the Americas at some later date? Otherwise, wouldn't people of this alternate 21st century reality have wondered why there was a big hole in their GPS devices' maps of the western hemisphere?

Additionally, Columbus was Italian but sailed on behalf of Portugal. The Conquistadors, who shoulder much of the responsibility of what eventually happened to the native population, were from Spain. After that came the French and the English. The few Italians that did finally follow Columbus across the ocean blue were limited by law to working as cops in New York city.

Besides, it's not Columbus' fault that Indians were already living here and kept getting in the way. They should have just gone back to where they came from! And while Columbus may not have been the first to find the Americas, his discovery was the first to "take." It set the stage for future European colonization, something earlier discoveries by the Vikings failed to do.... Though they did eventually make three Super Bowl appearances under the able leadership of Fran Tarkenton.

Most importantly, Columbus' arrival in the New World demonstrated the need for strong, effective immigration policies.... As well as the importance of maintaining an up to date smallpox vaccination schedule.

At any rate, the bottom line is that if it weren't for the European colonization of the Americas, there would still be buffalo roaming across our interstates. And if you think an overturned tanker truck causes traffic tie ups, think what a herd of several hundred thousand bison would do.

President Sitting Bull would have admitted SMOKING that corn husk but denied ever inhaling it. And he would certainly have denied having sexual relations with that squaw, Pochohantas.

Furthermore, man would never have landed on the moon, John Wayne wouldn't have had a movie career, there would never have been a Star Trek or Star Wars, the light bulb would never have been invented, we'd all be writing emails in the dark, and Iraq would be a stable nation.

Oh, and the entire world (including the French) would be speaking German or Japanese.

So happy Columbus Day!!

Hitler Discovers There Is No iPhone 5

Steve Jobs(February 24, 1955 – October 5, 2011)

Remembering 9-10-01

Today marks the tenth anniversary of September 10, 2001. Even though that day is fast receding into the distant past, it deserves to be remembered. Here are just a few of the things that made 9/10/01 so unique:

• There were no armed fighter jets patrolling the skies of the United States, nor was it necessary to dispatch them whenever an airline passenger got drunk.
  
  
• We were able to get on an airplane without eying the other passengers suspiciously. And once the plane took off, all we had to worry about was the quality of the food--or lack thereof.
  
  
• The purpose of flight attendants was to hand out little bags of peanuts and fluff our pillows, not to serve as the last line of defense for the nation.
  
  
• Department of Homeland Security? Never heard of it. What's it do?
  
  
• Terrorism was something that always happened some place else.
  
  
• We weren't afraid of our mail, Anthrax was just a loud band, and if we saw white powder somewhere, we automatically assumed someone had spilled coffe creamer.
  
  
• People would look at you funny if you took your shoes off in the security line at the airport, and hair gel wasn't treated as a lethal weapon.
  
  
• Afghanistan? Never heard of it. Where is it? And what's a Taliban?
  
  
• No one had ever heard of Shanksville, Pennsylvania. And certainly no one in Shanksville had any reason to suspect that anyone ever would.
  
  
• The big story in the news was the disappearance of a government intern Chandra Levy whose boyfriend happened to be a married congressman. Undoubtedly, this sordid tale would continue to dominate headlines for the foreseeable future.
  
  
• The second biggest story of early September was the series of shark attacks along the east coast of the U.S. Two people were dead in what was considered a frightening death toll.
  
  
• If we went downtown, the only thing we worried about was getting mugged.
  
  
• The Oklahoma City bombing of 1995 was the worst act of terrorism on U.S. soil, and April 19 would always be associated with that unimaginable horror.
  
  
• If a plane had crashed on September 10, our first thought would have been, "Gee, what a horrible accident."
  
  
• The only emotion we felt when we had to pull over for a firetruck was annoyance.
  
  
• We didn't think twice about getting on the subway, we paid no attention to who else might be on the train with us, nor did we run for our lives if we spotted a lost backpack.
  
  
• Several thousand tourists enjoyed the spectacular view from the observation deck of the World Trade Center today. Assuming it doesn't rain, several thousand more will enjoy it tomorrow.
  
  
• You could look at a crisp blue sky and marvel at its simple beauty.
  
  
• Most of all, it was a day to feel good about the future and our place in the world. After all, this was the United States of America, and everyone loved us.

Yes, September 10, 2001 was quite a day.

Happy Labor Day...?