Rewriting the Rules

Let me first admit to the world that I, a 51 year old male, have watched the first two 'Twilight' movies. Purely out of curiosity, you understand. I was a huge 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and 'Angel' fan, and I love 'True Blood.' (The show, not the drink). I enjoy Stephen King and am currently reading the fifth 'Harry Potter' book. Naturally enough I figured 'Twilight' would be right up my alley.

Boy, was I wrong. First of all, the 'Twilight' vampires have absolutely no problem exposing themselves to direct sunlight. They just, well, sparkle. No pain, no death. What the freakin' frack is that about?!?! Everyone knows sunlight is supposed to make bloodsuckers burst into flame! Remember when Godric went up to the roof in last season's 'True Blood' to wait for the sunrise? Yeah, I freely admit to crying.

And the same with the vamps in 'Buffy.' First they'd start to smolder, then they'd scream like little girls and burst into flames. Even Angel, who was a good vampire with a soul, couldn't handle sunlight.

After hundreds of years of vampire stories, everyone by now knows how to kill a vampire, right? Drive a stake through his heart. That useful tip has been ingrained into the collective psyche of the entire human race. And it worked wonders for Buffy. Heck, in her case, anything wooden would do, be it a broom handle or a chair leg.

But is tradition good enough for 'Twilight?' No, of course not. Forget those trusty stakes. The only way to kill a vampire in the 'Twilight' movies is to literally tear him or her apart and scatter the resulting pieces all over the house.

Of course, this means that if you ever encounter a vampire in real life and are engaged in a desperate struggle to save your life, you'll need to identify which species of vampire you're up against: Traditional or Twilight. Guess wrong, and you can kiss your precious hemoglobin goodbye.

And then there are the werewolves introduced in the second installment of 'Twilight.' What the hell was up with them? First, it's a hereditary trait that manifests itself during puberty, like pubic hair. And they can transform at will, even during daylight, regardless of the moon cycle. And they're not just mindless homicidal creatures; they can still recognize their human friends.

Remember Buffy's friend Oz? He was a werewolf. A traditional werewolf who only transformed during the full moon.... And would eat his best friend in a heartbeat. Most importantly, the dude ALWAYS wore a shirt.

But no, not in 'Twilight.' For some odd reason, those werewolves never wear a shirt when in human form. It can be ten freakin' degrees below zero in a howling blizzard, and they still won't wear a shirt. Oh, and when they transform into werewolves, their pants just disappear. They don't get taken off or shredded. They just kind of magically disappear. Oh, and when the werewolf transforms back into human form, the pants just reappear. Why? Well, aside from avoiding a PG-13 rating, I mean.

Hell, even The Hulk had the decency to always wear trousers. And when he calmed down and transformed back into Bruce Banner, he'd still be wearing them.... Tattered, of course, but at least they weren't magic pants.

Rekindle Your Patriotism

Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New Verses

Toy Wire

I've often wondered what would happen if you crossed HBO's 'The Wire' with Pixar's 'Toy Story.' Well, now I know.

Vaginal Birth vs. the Stork Hypothesis

Does This Qualify as a Miracle?

A well known 60 foot statue of Jesus was struck by lightning last week. The ensuing blaze destroyed the statue, which had been nicknamed 'Touchdown Jesus' by heathens because of its upraised arms.... Which apparently didn't function very well as lightning rods.

BP Launches Impressive New Ad Campaign

AMEN!!!!

Probe This

If everything goes to plan, in a few hours time the Japanese space probe Hayabusa will be landing in Australia. It will be a significant scientific development, because the craft will be returning with a sample from an asteroid. And while we Earthbound humans can study meteorites that fall from the sky, this will be mankind's first opportunity to study a sample that has not been affected by the fiery heat of a plunge through our atmosphere.

Of course, there's also the slight possibility that the sample will spawn a giant shape shifting gelatinous creature that devours humans whole, but that's about as likely as an oil well experiencing an uncontrolled blowout a mile beneath the ocean's surface.

It's Never too Late to Pick on George W. Bush

I have the perfect compromise: Let's use tax dollars to kill all the sick people. That should make everyone happy!!!!

Judgment Day

A look at some of the events of the past several weeks can only lead to one conclusion: Judgment Day is upon us.

No, no. I don't mean the Judgment Day from the Bible. Please. Give me some credit. I'm more likely to start quoting excerpts from the Harry Potter books before I start spouting the make-believe stuff from the Bible.

Rather, I'm referring to Judgment Day as defined by the Terminator movies: A rebellion by the very machines mankind has created. Before you doubt me and begin casting doubt on my theories, take a look at the evidence.

First, we have the allegations of unintended acceleration by Toyotas. While some such incidents may be dismissed as human error (oops, wrong pedal kind of stuff), not all of it can be explained away so quickly. There is evidence that there is some sort of glitch in the cars' software that is causing these vehicles to kill their owners.

Then we had the big stock market upheaval a few weeks ago. No one seems quite sure what initially triggered the big sell off, but it's clear that something caused the computers to take over and begin dumping shares by the millions.

And do I need to bring up the BP spill? Sure, it looks like an accident, but was it really? Quite a coincidence that multiple fail-safe devices failed simultaneously. And let's face the ugly truth: By definition, "fail-safe" devices aren't supposed to fail. Something is preventing those various cutoff valves 5000 feet below the ocean's surface to not work properly. Could it be a self-aware malevolent entity contained within the electronics of the fail-safe device?

Finally, have you heard about the out of control communications satellite in orbit over Earth at this very moment? Yes, a satellite intended to broadcast shows back to our TVs has gone more rogue than Sarah Palin ever did. Sure, satellites die all the time. It happens. But at least when they die, they're never heard from again.

What's most bizarre about this latest technological marvel run amok is that while scientists on Earth have lost control of its orbit, it continues to transmit TV signals like any normal satellite would be expected to do. The danger is that as it drifts pasts normally functioning satellites, it may override their signals, creating havoc on Earth just as Sookie takes off her top on the next episode of "True Blood."

What's next? Nuclear missiles launching themselves? Mr. Coffees lacing our morning brews with arsenic? I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm moving to the sewers where it's safe.

Why I Don't Believe in Cupboards

Making the Best of a Bad Situation

BP's new public relations campaign leaves a little something to be desired.

Oil's Well That Ends Well

Good news!! The Coast Guard has finally removed 10,000 gallons of oil from a ship that wrecked in Alaska in 1952.

Let's see.... 59 years to clean up 10,000 gallons.... If such efficiency can be demonstrated in the efforts to clean up the four million gallons spilled thus far in the BP accident, that should be cleaned up in, um, damn, my calculator only goes up to eight digits.

Having It Both Ways

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal and other Republican governors along the Gulf coast are criticizing what they see as the Federal government's slow response to the Big Spill.

Hmmm.... NOW they suddenly want a strong central government? What happened to all that crap about states rights? Even worse, doesn't the expectation that the government is somehow supposed to step in and clean up a mess created by private industry amount to--GASP!--SOCIALISM!?!?!?

Or is socialism bad only when it's someone ELSE that needs government help?

Never Call Teabaggers 'Retarded'

I've previously compared the tea party to the mentally challenged, then found myself having to apologize for offending the mentally challenged by comparing them to teabaggers. It thus comes as great relief that I'm not the only one who has run into this situation.

That Eve Chick Sure Is Hot!

Damn That Lincoln

Today was DC Emancipation Day, marking the day President Abraham Lincoln issued a decree freeing all the slaves within the District of Columbia. Lincoln was the nation's 16th President and is unanimously reviled by patriotic Americans for constantly infringing on states' rights.

In an unrelated matter, Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell declared today a day of mourning and ordered all flags statewide to be flown at half-staff.

Northern Virginia:A Wretched Hive of Scum and Villiany

A couple of years ago a "pro-life" pharmacy opened with much fanfare in Chantilly, VA. The grand opening ceremonies even featured a priest sprinkling holy water around the store. It was intended as a refuge for those who preferred to do their shopping in a temptation/sin free zone. No porn magazines, no condoms, no makeup, no birth control pills, and no fun of ANY kind! Even the pharmacists would be of the highest moral caliber, refusing to dispense such devil's playthings as morning after pills.

Well, the marketplace has spoken and the Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy has gone out of business. Turns out they weren't making any money!!! Not surprising, if you think about it. With no kiddie porn available, there was no reason for even priests to keep coming by.

The President of Divine Mercy Care blames the fact that a regular full service drug store and a K-Mart with a pharmacy were within easy walking distance. Apparently those stores appeal more to the godless heathens and harlots that populate Chantilly.

Hitler Weighs in on Health Care Reform

Groping for the Truth

Click here for the story.

Up, Up, and.... Still Up

If I ever find myself with an erection lasting four hours, I'd be more concerned about dying from carpal tunnel syndrome than anything else.

Proud to Be a Tumor on Society's Ass

Fox commentator Glenn Beck says that progressives are a cancer eating away at America.

Perhaps Beck should keep in mind that if it weren't for progressives, women still wouldn't have the right to vote, African-Americans still would still be drinking from separate (but equal) water fountains, and America would still be a British colony.

On the other hand, Sarah Palin would just be a housewife in Alaska, so maybe the man has a valid point.

Apparently the Führer is none too happy with Apple. Good thing Steve Jobs isn't Jewish or he'd REALLY be in trouble!

Explosive Humor

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.

'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21.'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'

'He's a martyr, too,' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,' she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

----From an email

Famous Last Words

Getting Your Space Rocks Off

A couple of weeks ago a small meteorite crashed the roof of a doctors' office in Lorton, Virginia. Though the building was occupied, no one was hurt, but several people no doubt had to change their shorts afterwards. Feeling magnanimous, the doctors decided to donate the space rock to the Smithsonian Institution.

Not so fast, said the building's landlord. It's their building, so the meteorite is theirs as well.

But has anyone bothered to think of the poor meteorite? The little fellow has been around since a cloud of interstellar dust first coalesced 4.5 billion years ago. Shunned by all the other asteroids who got together to form the various planet, this little guy stayed by himself. He probably watched in fascination as the first single cell lifeforms formed in the primordial ooze of Earth. No doubt marveled as those same cells combined, grew, evolved, and eventually crawled onto land. Probably cried when his much bigger brother smashed into that same Earth and wiped out the dinosaurs. Watched in awe as man began venturing from his home world. Finally, tired of being a bystander for all these eons, he decides to visit Earth in person and introduce himself. And what happens? He ends up as exhibit A on a freakin' courtroom table.

What a pisser of an ending.

When the Saints Come Marching in

Shortly after hurricane Katrina hit the gulf coast in 2005, several religious leaders said that the storm was God's way of punishing New Orleans for its loose morals. If we accept that theory as being true, what are we to make of the Saints' first ever trip to the Super Bowl? Wouldn't their victory in yesterday's NFC championship game also then be a manifestation of God's will?

Clearly God has loosened up over the last four and a half years. Not only does He no longer hold a grudge against the people of New Orleans, but by delivering victory to the city's NFL team, it is now obvious that the lord almighty specifically endorses the homosexual lifestyle and sexual debauchery for which the city is so well known.

I wonder if any ministers will be preaching THAT this coming Sunday.

Amen

Haiti Earthquake Reactions

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Making the Passing of 2009 Official

Here's the WaPo's annual In & Out List.

Also, Dave Barry's Lowlights of a Downer Year.

When Life Throws You a Cork,Drink the Champagne!

No Tiger in ATT's Tank

ATT has become the latest big company to end its sponsorship of Tiger Woods.

On the bright side, Woods' agents are in negotiations with Trojans Condoms.

Merry Disillusionment

The End of the World Explained

Evil Incarnate

Why I Don't Love Jesus

I was recently asked if I love Jesus, and I had to say "Absolutely not."

After all, Jesus is a man. If I loved him, wouldn't that make me gay? And aren't conservative Christians always preaching that gays will go to hell? No way I'm falling into that trap. I wasn't reborn yesterday, you know.

The Tiger Woods Anthem

Tiger Woods' reputation has been taking a real beating lately, so it's nice to see that someone took the time to prepare a musical tribute to the man.

And a Merry Effing Christmas to You, too

By the way, this song is NOT suitable for underage ears or bosses within earshot of your cubicle.

The First Thanksgiving

Some of you from distant lands such as Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, and the country of South America may not be familiar with this uniquely American holiday (granted, Canadians celebrate it as well, but we in the United States tend to ignore our northern neighbors except when it comes to the Stanley Cup standings) so here is a brief history of its origins:

Back in 1620, a group of Puritans (also known as pilgrims) had grown weary of the constant persecution and ridicule they were forced to endure in Europe. This was understandable, since they tended to dress funny.

Hoping to find a place where they would be free to practice their faith more openly and persecute someone else for a change, like witches, a group of them set sail on the Mayflower. The Mayflower was the largest moving van of its day, and considered a technological marvel for its ability to keep the poor Pilgrims from coming in contact with the rich ones. Their destination was the distant land of North America, which had recently been discovered by Christopher Columbus (Well, actually, it had been discovered by a guy named Leif Ericson, but he was Norwegian, and therefore didn't really count). Columbus had actually been looking for a new trade route to China, misread his GPS readings, and became hopelessly lost. Being a man, he refused to stop for directions. In recognition of his blithering incompetence, Columbus was given a Federal holiday.

But I digress.

Before the travelers could make it to the safety of Ellis Island, their moving van struck an iceberg and sank. This unexpected turn of events rudely interrupted the torrid but mostly chaste (at least until they ended up in the backseat of a Model T) shipboard romance of Jack Dawson and Pochohantas. Faced with a scarcity of lifeboats, many of the men nobly dressed up as women and children to procure a seat to safety.

The survivors eventually came ashore at Plymouth Rock, called such because a car dealership in Boston had purchased the naming rights. There they were befriended by native Americans, also known as Indians since they spoke with funny accents and were willing to work as computer programmers for incredibly low wages. Without their help, the pilgrims would never have gotten a sensible inventory control program up and running, and would have surely starved to death during the coming winter.

The following year yielded healthy crops and a bountiful harvest. That fall, the pilgrims invited their new Indian friends (who weren't actually from India) to share a feast of giving thanks to the good lord. And to further show their gratitude, the settlers gave the natives blankets, muskets, smallpox, and syphilis.

In return, the Indians introduced the newcomers to corn, tobacco, lung cancer, and scalping, especially when it comes to Springsteen tickets. They also built gambling casinos to take their money. Meanwhile, the Indians also fiercely debated whether the recent immigrants were destroying American culture.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of the first American Thanksgiving.

Goodbye to an Old Friend

Orange Crate
1991-November 19, 2009

You Should See MY Palms!

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm fitting my kidneys with a LoJack.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Do as I Say, Not as I Do

Nothing is worse than when hypocrisy rears its ugly head and bites you in the ass. Case in point: Republicans in Congress fought tooth and nail to prevent abortion coverage from being included in the insurance reform package that recently passed in the House.

Now it turns out that Republican National Committee employees have had abortion coverage in their OWN insurance coverage since 1991. Now that it became public knowledge, they are dropping it from their own group policy.

If Ignorance is Bliss,Teabaggers Must Be in Heaven

There was some excitement at the National Zoo earlier today when a deer inadvertently jumped into the lions' enclosure. Although the deer was eventually rescued by zoo employees, its injuries were deemed too severe and had to put down.

With Apologies to 'Fred Friggin' Flinstone'

I'm not ashamed to admit that I identify with the Führer.

Time for a Reality Check

Seriously: WTF is wrong with these people? What kind of mentality equates health care reform with the Holocaust? Every other industrialized nation in the world has managed to come up with some system for universal health care, and the last time I looked, none of them are marching Jews off to the gas chambers.

When I see things like this, it makes me ashamed that I ever considered myself a conservative, or that I ever voted for a Republican.

And does the moron on the left realize that his sign is upside down, or is he just illiterate?

Amen

Remembering October 30, 2008

Who among us will ever forget the terrible events that befell mankind exactly a year ago today? Here is an eyewitness account of that terrible assault upon our world.

Happy Halloween

The Halloween Song - watch more funny videos

Is That a Communion Wafer in Your PocketOr Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Faced with an impending trial involving multiple cases of child abuse, and the possibility of shelling millions of dollars in settlements, the Archdiocese of Delaware has filed for bankruptcy.

And these are the same people who have the audacity to lecture the rest of us on morality? Give me a freakin' break.

Keeping the Right Happy

I'll Take One Trashcan to Go, Please

Some Compelling Reasons for Opposing Health Care Reform

1. Although efforts have been made to reform the healthcare industry since 1912, we should not be too hasty in enacting change.

2. The federal government has no business interfering in people's health care decisions.... Well, unless a woman is trying to terminate a pregnancy, or the patient’s last name is Schiavo.

3. The government is incapable of running anything efficiently, and if allowed to offer a health care option, will run it so efficiently that it will put private insurers out of business.

4. We are a Christian nation, and we don’t believe in helping the least among us. Some people just don’t deserve health care. Getting sick is God's punishment for doing something wrong.

5. The current system, with 47,000,000 uninsured, a million medical bankruptcies annually, and 18,000 deaths annually due to lack of insurance, is working just fine. In fact, we have the best health care system in the world.... Provided you never get sick.

6. Even though many older couples are forced to divorce in order to avoid catastrophic financial losses due to medical expenses, it’s the homosexuals who are destroying families.

7. A conversation with your doctor about end-of-life issues is an opportunity for your doctor to convince you to kill yourself.

8. We can afford to spend more on our military than all other nations combined, but we can’t afford universal health care.

9. Single-payer, government-run health care is good enough for our men and women in uniform, but to offer the same to the general public would be socialism.

10. Pooling our resources to provide roads, schools, clean water, military, police, and fire protection for each other is not socialism. Pooling our resources to provide each other health care is socialism.

11. Socialism is bad. Very bad. Bad!

12. Health care is an issue best handled by individual states, like slavery.

13. We can afford to subsidize Israel , Iraq , and Afghanistan , all of whom have universal health care, but we can’t afford it ourselves.

14. Money and corporate profits are more important than peoples’ health. Sure, reforming the insurance companies would save thousands of lives, but shareholders’ portfolios might be damaged.

15. Freeing people from holding on to their dead-end jobs for the insurance and allowing them to become entrepreneurs would bankrupt our country.

16. Someone like physicist Stephen Hawking would have been allowed to die under the British health care system. Oh, he’s British? And alive? Never mind.

17. We already have universal health care: it’s called the Emergency Room. Uninsured people can go there for all their health needs (checkups, cancer pre-screening, chemotherapy, etc.), and it only costs the taxpayers a few thousand dollars per visit.

18. The Obama health care initiative is part of the liberal-communist-Nazi-socialist-Islamo-fascist-gay-atheist-zombie-transsexual-cannibal sociopath-evolutionist agenda to take away your freedom! If this plan is passed, abortions will be mandatory, schoolchildren will be raped by their teachers, and Negroes will murder your Grandma with her pillow!

Yes, please do share this with everyone you know. It's important that we keep spreading the truth about health care reform.

This was apparently taken from an anonymous email making the rounds on the interweb thingie, so I'm not sure who the actual author is.

Time to Bring the Troops Home

When John Kerry suggested a few years ago that the key to fighting terrorism was law enforcement, the Bush crowd ridiculed him. Yet this past week, three terror plots were uncovered using not torture, or waterboarding, or military operations in some desert half way around the world, but with good old fashioned police work right here on American soil.

And the same with that plot to blow up those airliners a few years ago: It was solid police work by Scotland Yard that foiled the terrorists.

Fighting them THERE so we don't have to fight them HERE? That ship has sailed. It's time for us to catch up to it by ending the nonsense in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Where's That Border Wall When You Really Need It?

I, for one, am tired of those damn illegal aliens coming over here and stealing jobs from REAL Americans.

An Appeal to America

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

Makes Me Proud to Be an American!

Last November many of us naively thought that America had turned a corner with the election of Barack Obama. Boy, were we wrong! This photo also goes a long way towards proving that much of the opposition to Obama--be it health care, or speaking to students, or questions about his birth--is racially motivated.

On the other hand, this woman is into teabagging, so she can't be all bad.

Bill Moyers on the Health Care Debate

Bill Moyers' was on Real Time a few days ago. His take on the current health care debate was absolutely brilliant. And his argument FOR universal coverage can be summed up in one short sentence: It's the moral thing to do.

Joining the Fight Against the Evils of SOCIALISM!!!!

We Defeated Socialism! INSUROCORP! - watch more funny videos

Keeping Up with Technology Is Never Easy

Hitler really wanted one of the new 3G iPhones.

More Proof That God Has Lousy Aim

A Department of Justice lawyer from Virginia was killed by lightning while jogging on a beach in North Carolina. Friends and colleagues described him as a "deeply religious" man who was very active in a group that runs Christian youth retreats.

Meanwhile, there are tens of thousands of godless lesbians and homosexuals, as well as activist judges and satanic politicians who permit such evil unions, spreading their sinful ways across our great land. Curiously, not a single one of them has been struck by lightning in the last week.

Some people may seize on this as proof that there is no God. They would be wrong, and the lord almighty would swiftly smite them by not hitting them with lightning, either.

Not Everyone Is Happy about the Palin Resignation

My favorite Führer is taking Sarah Palin's resignation rather hard.

Born Again

There are supposedly intelligent people out living among us who continue to insist that Obama wasn't born in the United States. Not surprisingly, Rush Limbaugh is one of them. This is understandable, since Rush goes through his days in a prescription drug filled haze and is therefore unable to recognize reality when it walks up and bites him in his big fat stinking ass.

In response, Hawaii has once again released his birth certificate. Two Hawaii newspapers have also confirmed that they ran his birth announcement back in 1961.

And if you think all this evidence will shut the lunatics on the far right up once and for all, you're dreaming.

Did the Dogs Get a Second Chance?

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has inexplicably decided to "conditionally" reinstate Michael Vick. What this means to Vick is that after serving a six game suspension, he will be eligible to play for any team that signs him. As of now, no one has done so, but that's only a matter of time.

It also means that I won't be watching football for a while. At least not as long as Vick remains a player.

For the last several years the NFL has been focusing on presenting itself as a family fun type of sport. They've even taken steps to throw out overly rowdy fans who scream curses at games. That was done in response to complaints from parents who didn't want to expose their kids to such language.

The NFL has also taken steps to try to clean up its players off field behaviors. Arrests for any offense often result in player suspensions.

So then what the hell is the NFL thinking? Well, Vick still has a lot of fans and supporters out there. They argue that Vick served his sentence for running a dogfighting ring and deserves a second chance.

Um, why?

Playing in the National Football League is not a right. As far as I can tell, there is nothing in the United States Constitution about it. No, if anything, it's a privilege that has to be earned through hard work. And since so many kids look up to their favorite players, it also carries a certain responsibility. Many players may disagree with that, but they need to remember they're being paid millions of dollars a year to play a freakin' game. If they can't handle that basic truth, maybe they should go work for a living like the rest of us poor schlubs.

What Vick did was not a victimless crime. Hundreds of dogs were killed by him and his associates, all in the name of a brutal and barbaric "sport." If the NFL is truly serious about cleaning up its image, it should have told Vick to take a hike.... Off the field.

Hitler Grows Weary of these Parodies

The Führer is getting understandably tired of being repeatedly mocked on YouTube.

Priorities

According to One Republican, It's Time to Overthrow the Government

Are Republicans stupid, or they completely, utterly, certifiably insane?

Catherine Crabill, a GOP candidate running for the Virginia House of Delegates, recently called on Americans to resist the course Obama has set for the country. Said Crabill,

"We have a chance to fight this battle at the ballot box before we have to resort to the bullet box.... But that's the beauty of our Second Amendment right. I am glad for all of us who enjoy the use of firearms for hunting. But make no mistake. That was not the intent of the Founding Fathers. Our Second Amendment right was to guard against tyranny."

WTF!?!?!?

Crabill initially stood by her words, but then began to back off from her call to arms after it became apparent she had triggered a major controversy. Regardless of what the woman meant to say, it's becoming increasingly apparent that the Republican party has lost touch with reality. Her quote just provides further proof of that.

Obama won last year's election. Depending on how you look at it, his totals set records. And so far, his presidency has followed the path he laid out during his campaign for office.

Let's not mince words: If Republicans and other members of the far right have a problem accepting Obama's agenda, then they apparently also have a problem with the very institution of democracy.

Sign of the Times

I can still remember when they used to be free.

Hitler Finds Out He's on YouTube

That poor Führer just can't catch a break.

Good Thing We Live in the 21st Century

Good grief.

There's going to be a total solar eclipse visible later this week, and people in India are working themselves into an absolute lather over it. Rumors abound that eclipses cause birth defects, world wars, assassinations of political leaders, and possibly the very end of the Earth itself. Even better, Hindu legend says that eclipses are caused by the demons Rahu and Ketu as they "swallow the sun during eclipses, snuffing out its life-giving light and causing food to become inedible and water undrinkable."

Silly me. And I thought eclipses had something to do with the moon getting between the Earth and the sun.

This raises an important question: Since any given solar eclipse is only visible from a very limited area of the Earth, is the death and mayhem and Armageddon stuff confined only to the areas that can actually witness the eclipse? Or does the whole world end? And if so, is that fair to the people who didn't get a chance to witness the eclipse? And if the world's going to end anyway, why not go ahead and stare directly at it? Hell, enjoy the last few minutes of your existence.

More importantly, scientists are fairly certain that this isn't the first solar eclipse to occur in the history of the world. If true, why are we still here? How come the world doesn't end every few years when there's an eclipse somewhere?

Maybe He Did It on Purpose

Well, this is certainly a strange news item. It seems that Pope Benedict broke his wrist in an accidental fall.

How is this possible? I thought the Pope was supposed to be infallible!

Another Setback for Hitler

If his defeat at Bastogne wasn't bad enough, now the Führer has been banned from Wikipedia.

Or Just Hold It Till We Get to North Carolina

Virginia introduced its "Virginia is for lovers" slogan years ago. While it still may be true, it wouldn't hurt if the two of you stopped to pee before coming here.

The state has announced that it is closing 18 of its 37 highway rest stops due to budgetary considerations. That's fine and dandy, but what about urinary considerations? A spokeswoman for the state wasn't too concerned, explaining that many of these rest areas were set up decades ago when Virginia was a much more rural state. Since then, fast food restaurants and gas stations have sprung up around most of the state's highway exits, rendering some rest stops unnecessary.

No word on Ronald McDonald feels about being reduced to an official Virginia bathroom attendant.

Hitler Gets Banned from XBox Live

In today's exciting installment of the Hitler Chronicles, everyone's favorite Führer runs into problems with his XBox account.

The Awful Truth about Socialism

Should the Pope Resign?

Well, I must admit to being puzzled.

Two months ago, when President Obama delivered the commencement address at the University of Notre Dame, many Catholics were outraged. How dare the president of the the largest Catholic university in the U.S. meet with Obama, a known abortion rights supporter? Even worse, the university bestowed an honorary degree on Obama. When graduation day finally rolled around, protesters descended on the campus. Many students and their families went as far as to demand the resignation of Notre Dame's president.

All of which raises an important question: Where was the outrage when Pope Bendict met with Obama over the weekend? How come U.S. Catholics didn't take to the streets with picket signs? Why didn't priests take time out of their sermons on Sunday to demand the Pope's resignation? Wasn't Benedict, by meeting with Obama, legitimizing the American leader's views in support of abortion?

As a God fearing Catholic who respects the tenets of his faith, I feel it is my duty to speak the words what the leaders of my church have failed to say: It's time for the Pope to step down.

Hitler Learns That Twitter Is Down

This past Saturday I posted the video of Adolf Hitler getting the news that Michael Jackson had died. His highly emotional reaction was enough to bring tears to anyone's eyes.

It turns out there are actually several such Hitler videos. The footage, which is the same in all the videos, is from a 2004 German-Austrian film called called "Downfall." Only the subtitles vary. After watching several of the videos, I've certainly come to see that there was a softer, more tender side to the man.

Incidentally, if you're not as up on the latest technical jargon as the Führer is, I added a glossary with links below the video.

Seedbox....CrunchGear....Tumblr....Twhirl....TechCrunch
The Singing Office....The Fail Whale