Learn Something New Every Day

An airport in West Virginia underwent an emergency evacuation after preliminary tests indicated a woman was attempting to carry explosive liquids onto a plane. If this story turns out to be true, it will be stunning news to much of the world.

I mean, who even knew that West Virginia has an airport?

Sorry We Called You Murderering Bastards

It was the day after Christmas of 1996 when the body of six year old JonBenet Ramsey was found in the basement of her parents' house in Colorado. The case quickly became tabloid fodder since the little girl's mother was constantly enrolling JonBenet in beauty pageants.

Questions soon arose about the circumstances of the killing, and the family itself quickly fell under a cloud of suspicion. One of the more popular theories was that the 13 year old son was the killer, and that the parents were covering up for him. The fact that the parents quickly hired a lawyer, and that they appeared reluctant to be interviewed by the police added to the sense that they were somehow responsible. The news media quickly jumped on the bandwagon, portraying the father, mother, and brother as murdering child molesters.

No arrests were made, and no suspect other than the family itself ever emerged. And that's where things stood for almost ten years, even after Mrs. Ramsey died of ovarian cancer just two months ago.

So it came as stunning news last night when we learned that a suspect had been arrested in Thailand, and that he had confessed. Even more surprising is the news, apparently confirmed, that he's not a relative.

What's next? An arrest of the REAL killer of O.J. Simpson's wife?

Why Is Richard Dean Anderson Wearing A Turban?

As a further sign of the times in which we live, a woman armed with hand cream caused a flight from London's Heathrow to Washington Dulles to be diverted to Boston. The plane even received an escort from two F-15 fighters.

Hand creams, like all other liquids and gels, are supposed to be banned from carry-on baggage. The concern is that a suicide bomber may mix common household chemicals to create some sort of liquid bomb that would then bring down the aircraft.

All this prompts the question: When did MacGyver become a terrorist?

Macaca

Every now and then a politician will say something so mind-boggling in its stupidity that it absolutely defies the imagination. Virginia Senator George Allen is the latest to do so. Mr. Allen, a Republican, is running for re-election this year against former Secretary of the Navy James Webb.

It was at a campaign rally in southwestern Virginia--heavily Republican and very VERY Caucasian that Allen noticed S.R. Sidarth, one of Webb's campaign workers, in the crowd. Siddarth is of Indian descent, so he was easy enough to spot in the sea of white faces. That's when Allen decided to make Mr. Siddarth feel welcome:

"This fellow here, over here with the yellow shirt, macaca, or whatever his name is. He's with my opponent. He's following us around everywhere. And it's just great," Allen said, as his supporters began to laugh. After saying that Webb was raising money in California with a "bunch of Hollywood movie moguls," Allen said, "Let's give a welcome to macaca, here. Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia."

Gee, Senator. Why not just incite your supporters to lynch the poor bastard?

Now the first question, of course, is just what the hell is a "macaca?" Well, apparently it depends on the precise spelling, but

"the word macaca could mean either a monkey that inhabits the Eastern Hemisphere or a town in South Africa. In some European cultures, macaca is also considered a racial slur against African immigrants, according to several Web sites that track ethnic slurs."

Hmmmm..... So which of those particular definitions was Allen thinking of when he singled out the only dark complexioned man at a Republican rally?

Asked what macaca means, Allen said: "I don't know what it means." He said the word sounds similar to "mohawk," a term that his campaign staff had nicknamed Sidarth because of his haircut. Sidarth said his hairstyle is a mullet -- tight on top, long in the back.
Allen said that by the comment welcoming him to America, he meant: "Just to the real world. Get outside the Beltway and get to the real world."

Oh, so my United States Senator is spouting off racist sounding remarks without even knowing what the hell they mean?!?! And here's the best part: Allen has presidential aspirations. There is even talk of him running for the office in 2008.

Can you imagine if Allen wins and actually becomes leader of the free world? He'll probably show up at some major summit meeting and refer to the President of China as a "Chinc."

And 20 minutes later the world will be incinerated in a nuclear holocaust.

Unfortunately I live in Virginia. Have all my life. And more than anything, I find Allen's remarks personally embarrassing. Any Virginian should, for it appeals to the racial insensitivities that this state practiced until the late 1960's. I still remember being in second or third grade when a single black girl began attending our school. It was a big deal, because the vast majority of this state still practiced racial segregation at the time. Is that the "real Virginia" that the Senator was referring to?

Thankfully, northern Virginia is NOT part of Allen's real Virginia. I'm sure that the rednecks voters whose support Allen is seeking consider those of us up here to be out of step with the rest of the state. And you know what? I'm damn proud of that. I'm also proud that most of northern Virginia voted solidly for John Kerry two years ago even while Bush was winning the rest of the state with 54% of the vote.

I'm guessing that 54% was the same group that finds it amusing to hold a man up for public amusement simply because his skin is darker than theirs.

Instead Of Rebates, Maybe Dell Should Offer Fire Extinguishers

Dell computers has announced a massive recall of its laptop batteries. It seems that--how to put this delicately?--they have an annoying habit of suddenly bursting into flames. In one case, at a conference in Japan, someone fortunately had the good sense to grab a camera phone instead of a fire extinguisher.

Apparently the Consumer Products Safety Commission considers this to be some sort of design flaw, especially since many people choose to foolishly place laptops on top of their laps. To date no one has been killed or seriously injured, though there has been property damage. In one case, a battery caused a fire on an airborne UPS jet. The pilots were able to make a successful emergency landing in Philadelphia. And in another incident, Thomas Forqueran of Arizona watched a Dell Inspiron notebook take out his vintage 1966 Ford F-250 which had been handed down from his father.

Well, guess that explains why I came home the other day to find a charcoal briquet where my laptop used to be.

Meeting Of the Minds

The United States first ever Mensa convention has drawn over 2000 attendees in Orlando, Florida.

President Bush was not among them.

You're Disturbed

You're probably familiar with that song by James Blunt called "Beautiful." And if you're not, well, consider yourself lucky. When you hear it, it sounds like a sappy love song, kind of a modern day "Mandy." In fact, a recent British survey placed the song fourth on a list of the 100 Most Annoying Things.

But if you stop and really, REALLY listen to the thing, you realize that it actually borders on being, well, disturbing. That's when you realize that the guy is not simply singing to his girlfriend. No, he's actually singing about his obsession with some woman he saw on a freakin' subway train. And if you watch the video, your first thought is to call a suicide hotline on this poor slob's behalf! During the course of the song, the guy takes off his sweatshirt, tee shirt, shoes, and empties his pockets. Then he neatly arranges everything, stands up, and procedes to jump off a bridge.

Yeah, freakin' romantic, ain't it?

Despite all that, there's an upside to the song. It's gone on to spawn some great parodies, including "Your Cubicle" and "You're Pitiful." MadTV did a great spoof of Blunt's video. And someone named Kevin Sage laments that the girl he thought was so beautiful turned out to be a guy.... In which case I can certainly understand his jumping off a bridge.

Improving Islam's Image

British authorities have broken up a plot involving at least 19 individuals to blow up as many as ten airliners over the Atlantic. Meanwhile, five other Pakistanis have been arrested in that country as suspected "facilitators" for the plan.

This is highly reminiscent of Project Bojinka, which was broken up in the Philippines back in 1995. That earlier operation involved simultaneously destroying ten airliners over the Pacific, assassinating the Pope, and crashing a plane into the CIA headquarters

The British plot involved suicide bombers who can't get a date in this life and were apparently hoping for Allah to help them score with virgins in the next. They were to mix common household chemicals and use electronic devices to detonate the assembled explosive devices. Those electronic devices included disposable cameras and portable music players.

Great.... So now everyone with an IPod is a potential terrorist?

The list of the names of the suspects is particularly revealing. They include Abdula Ahmed Ali, Cossor Ali, Shazad Khuram Ali, Nabeel Hussain, Tanvir Hussain, Umair Hussain, Umar Islam, Waseem Kayani, Assan Abdullah Khan, Waheed Arafat Khan, Osman Adam Khatib, and Abdul Muneem Patel. Hmmm.... I wonder what religion these guys belong to? Just a guess, but I'm betting they're not Baptists or Episcopalians. And I also can't help but notice that none of them is named "Fred" or "Bill" or "Bubba."

Yep, this will go a long way towards proving that Islam is a peaceful religion.

Turning Up The Heat

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration recently reduced the hurricane forecast for the remainder of the season. Instead of 13-16 named storms, there are now expected to be 12-15 of them. And instead of eight-ten full blown hurricanes, that estimate is now seven-nine.

Global warming naysayers have, of course, jumped all over this news as proof that everything is just fine, and that the liberal Al Gore crown is full of doo-doo.

Ah, but conservatives who continue to question the validity of the spherical Earth theory forget that we live on a big planet. And while things may seem hunky-dory along the east coast, they are not necessarily so wonderful elsewhere.

Case in point: How many Americans know that the typhoon season along the western Pacific has been MORE active than usual? How many of us care that Typhoon Bilis killed 600 people in southeastern China, or that Typhoon Prapiroon caused 80 deaths just last week? Has anyone in America noticed that Typhoon Saomai--packing winds of 160 mph--is again headed for southern China? And let's not pay any attention to Tropical Storm Bopha, which is hot on the heels of Saomai.

Our leaders in Washington need to realize that global warming is a--what's the word?--GLOBAL problem. Just because we may be getting off easy this year doesn't mean that the symptoms aren't manifesting themselves elsewhere.

And even if one does accept the idea that the reduced hurricane forecast is good news, what about the fact that this past July was the warmest in 70 years, and the second warmest on record? What about the 2300 heat records that were set across the nation? What about the recent study that predicts more frequent heatwaves in the future? What about all the glaciers that are disappearing around the world, something which has dire implications for water supplies and food production?

So what's the answer? What can mankind as a whole--or each of us as individuals--do before it's too late?

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to go have a cold beer.




P.S.
Link added 6:15 A.M., Aug-10-06: The 20 warmest years on record.

Shatner Is Kirk

As a number of you have no doubt heard, it's been rumored that Matt Damon will be playing Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek movie.

Well, apparently the REAL Kirk is none too happy about that.

Mommie Dearest

Congratulations to Sherry Ann Allen of Glen Burnie, Maryland, who has put in an early bid to be selected as 2006's Mother of the Year.

What did Ms. Allen do that was so darn special, you ask? Well, she got drunk.... Really REALLY drunk.... So drunk that when her 15 year old daughter Katelynn tried to take away her car keys, Sherry stabbed the teenager in the head with a butcher knife. In a further exhibition of her innovative parenting techniques, Sherry also pulled out most of Katelynn's hair and yanked out an earring.

Police then had the audacity to arrest the mother and charge her with attempted murder, assault, and child abuse.

Give Ms. Allen some credit, though: At least she didn't go off on a drunken anti-Semitic rant when the cops showed up.

Bend Over, You SUV Owners

More bad news for American motorists faced with high gas prices. BP has had to shut down a major pipline in Alaska, eliminating some 400,000 barrels of crude oil a day from the nation's supply. And considering that Americans now consume about 15 million barrels a day, that 400,000 amounts to, um, er, a "measurable" percentage.

As a result of tightening supplies, the price of gasoline has now hit an average of $3.07 a gallon. That's just a penny short of the record prices set last year in the days after Hurricane Katrina.

Hell, at this rate, we'll soon be paying almost half as much for gasoline as the rest of the world!

Boomtown

Thanks to the miracle of DVD's, I've been working my way through the series Boomtown, which ran on NBC a few years ago. I vaguely remember the show getting good reviews from critics, but for some reason it just never caught on with viewers. And in the case of Boomtown that's unfortunate, because there's just not a whole lot of quality broadcast TV out there.

But Lugosi, you didn't get a chance to watch any of it this weekend, did you? We thought you'd be busy listening to Casey Kasem, or however the hell his name is spelled.

Well, yes and yes. It's true that I've been listening to Casey's 70's countdowns in my left ear and his 80's countdowns in my right ear. But thanks to closed captioning, I've also been able to squeeze in some quality TV time.

You don't have a life, do you?

No, not really. But that's what enables me to carry on imaginary conversations like this.

You're starting to scare us.

Oh, right, sorry.

Anyway, on its surface Boomtown is a cop show. But what sets it apart--aside from solid writing and likeable characters--is its unique approach to the stories. Instead of taking a linear approach with a beginning, a middle, and an end, the show usually opens with something would normally occur late in the plot of most other TV shows. Then the rest of the narrative is spent filling in the gaps that led up to that particular point in the story. But again, those earlier scenes are not necessarily in order.
Then there's what really sets Boomtown apart: Those earlier scenes are told from the perspectives of various characters, be it the beat cops, or the detectives, or the victims, or the perpetrators, or the witnesses. And by the time its over, everything makes sense.

It may sound confusing, but it's really not. Hell, I'm able to follow the stories, even when I'm busy listening to two different radio shows.

Keep Your Feet On The Ground & Keep Reaching For The Stars

Well, guess I'm going to have to get a second XM radio. That's easy enough. The hard part will be figuring out how to listen to both of them simultaneously.... While each of them is set to a different channel.

I'm faced with this dilemma because XM has begun airing the old Kasey Kasem countdowns. The 80's channel is doing broadcasts from, well, the 80's, and the 70's channel is doing the ones from that decade. They're starting this weekend with Kasey Kasem marathons on each of the channels. Then as of next weekend they'll run the shows on Sundays at noon (eastern).

I'm thinking of jerry rigging some sort of special headphone, with one ear dedicated to the 70's and the other to the 80's. Who knows? I may even be able to market the thing, become rich and famous, get drunk, be pulled over, and go on a anti-Semitic rant against the police.

Of course, if they ever start airing Kasey's 90's shows, I'll be f*cked.

Bow Wow

It's long been said that after a few years, dogs start to look like their owners.

Hmmm.... Apparently the same can be said of Ann Coulter and George Bush.

Hey, At Least Saddam Isn't The One Killing Them

In an appearance before a Senate committee, the top U.S. commander in Iraq admitted that Iraq was likely moving towards civil war. The observation came after a memo by the British ambassador to Iraq made similar comments in a diplomatic dispatch. This comes on the heels of a recent United Nations report that an average of 100 civilians died in Iraq every day during June.

Well, this is certainly stunning news. I had been under the impression that things in Iraq were just peachy keen, and that all the negative news items coming out of there were being made up by unpatriotic members of the press. At least that's what Bush and Cheney have been telling us, and they certainly wouldn't lie to the American people, would they?

The last couple of days the forecast has been for DC to hit 100 degrees, but we kept falling short. But it was as if Mother Nature was just being a big tease, showing us a hint of skin here, a feel of her bosum there, and only letting us get as far as 99.

Today she finally allowed us to s-l-i-d-e into home, and gave us 100 for the first time since 2002.

I don't know about anyone else, but I need a cold shower.

Chris

Tropical Storm Chris is still in the Caribbean with winds of about 60 mph. Its path remains uncertain, though there is a possibility it may enter the Gulf of Mexico on Saturday. Forecasters are also less than clear on what will happen with the storm in terms of its strength. Some computer models show it becoming a weak hurricane, while others are more doubtful.

Meanwhile, the people of New Orleans are taking no chances. Some have already begun boarding up windows, and the city is preparing evacuation plans.

Oh please. People need to stop being so damn paranoid. So what if the storm does hit the city? What's the worst that could happen?

---------------The Washington Post

Happy 25th

How many of you remember what you were doing at midnight exactly 25 years ago today? Well, if you were anything like me, you were in bed, jerking off to a Farrah Fawcett poster pinned to the ceiling.

But there were others out there who witnessed the birth of a new medium: It was called MTV, and its sole purpose was to play things called music videos. And as anyone up on their '80's trivia can tell you, that first video was a song by the Buggles called--appropriately enough--Video Killed the Radio Star.

MTV is still around, of course, and over the last quarter century it has evolved beyond the notion of just playing songs. It has also brought us shows like Beavis and Butt-Head, The Osbournes, Laguna Beach, Pimp My Ride, and Jackass.

Now.... If only someone would invent a cable channel that actually plays music videos.

Passion Of The Drunk

Mel Gibson was arrested last Thursday night in California for drunk driving. Unfortunate, but it's the type of thing that occasionally happens. And when a celebrity is involved, it can be big news for a day or two. But people soon shrug it off as just typical Hollywood behavior.

But new details about the Braveheart star's arrest have emerged, and suddenly Gibson's image has suffered a much more serious blow than originally believed. I turns out that Mel began spouting anti-semitic remarks as the cuffs were being put on. He even yelled at one of the officers, "Are you a Jew?"

The public can forgive occasional bad behavior by our beloved stars. Things like DUI's, tearing up hotel rooms, jerking off in a movie theater, molesting 13 year old boys, and making an ass of yourself while jumping on Oprah's couch can all quickly be forgotten. Two things that you never EVER want to do, however, is make rascist remarks or mess with the Jews. Cross either of those lines, and your Hollywood career will likely quickly go down the toilet for good.

So if you're out and about the next couple of days and hear fighter planes go roaring by overhead, don't be alarmed. It's just the Israeli Air Force on its way to bomb the shit out of Mel Gibson's house.

Coo-Coo Coulter

Is Bill Clinton gay? Well, according to political pundit/wack job Ann Coulter, the answer to that is yes. In an interview on CNBC, the highly conservative commentator said that the former President shows "some level of latent homosexuality."

Well, if it's true, he's done an outstanding job of hiding it.




Video clip: David Letterman weighs in on Coulter's comments.

Is The Christian Right Invited?

Former Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson has announced that she and Kid Rock will be getting married in France... And in California... And in any number of other places. Yes, the two are planning multiple wedding ceremonies to mark their nuptials.

It's reassuring to know that they're doing more than their fair share to preserve the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman.

Welcome

Quite a few of you are probably wondering what you're doing here, and that's understandable. You were just sitting there at your desk at work, reading the comics page because the boss decided to take a three day weekend, when you suddenly got an inexplicable and overwhelming urge to see if there really was a site at www.islandcam.org.

To be perfectly honest, until about 6 A.M. this morning there wasn't. But that's when I came across today's Speed Bump in the comics section of the paper (yes, I still read newspapers! I also have an 8-track player in the car and a telephone with an actual dial, but those are posts for another day).

I checked, found that the domain was actually available, and I snagged it. That in turn set in motion a complex chain of events involving ancient biblical conspiracies, global warming, sectarian violence in the middle east, Al Gore's invention of the internet, and extreme boredom on your part as well as mine. And that's how you eventually ended up at this site.

So now that you're here, feel free to look around a bit. And have a laugh or two while you can.... Because on Monday I'm emailing your boss to let them know what you were doing today.

A Story That Will Grow On You

Police in Brazil have captured several members of a gang suspected of holding up a number of pharmacies and stealing their supplies of Viagra.

No word on how they were caught. One can imagine them, however, trying to hide behind a tree, except that the cops can see the fronts of their pants sticking out.

Armageddon, Or Just A Slow News Day?

The news recently has a lot of people down. There's Israel's invasion of Lebanon, the disintegration of Iraq, North Korea's missile launches, Pakistan's recent decision to build a plutonium reactor, tsunamis in Indonesia, floods in New England, global climate change, and Katie Couric's upcoming move to a major evening news broadcast. Is it any wonder that some people are saying we're in the midst of World War III, or already living in the final days as foretold in the Bible?

Is it true? Is it really only a matter of days till we see the Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse (the fourth one recently lost his job to illegal immigrants) riding across the sky?

No, of course not. The truth of the matter is that there has always been conflict in the Middle East, and people have always died in natural disasters. That's just reality as it has always been since time immemorial.

The REAL problem is that the press has no big celebrity trials to concentrate on, and is thus wasting its time reporting on how the world is turning to shit. That leaves us with the false impression that things are somehow worse than they usually are.

But sooner or later something wonderful will happen, like maybe Angelina Jolie chopping off Brad Pitt's penis during an argument, and we won't hear another peep about sectarian strife in Iraq.

I See Drunk People

Sixth Sense star Haley Joel Osment suffered relatively minor injuries after crashing his car last week. The accident is still under investigation, but alcohol is suspected as a contributing factor.

This isn't surprising. You'd turn to booze as well, if you had to put up with seeing dead people all the damn time.

Tradition

When it comes to cellphones, I'm something of a traditionalist (if such a thing is possible with cellphones). I actually hold the thing up to my ear and talk.

But now I've decided to get with the program and buy a hands-free headset. And again, being a cellphone traditionalist, I'll get the kind that's a wired a headset.

No, I won't actually use the thing. But at least when I walk down the street shouting to myself and gesturing wildly with my arms, maybe people won't become alarmed and run away.

Dig This

New and even more disturbing torture allegations have surfaced against the Bush administration and its treatment of terror suspects.

Evidence has arisen that prisoners from Guantanomo Bay are being shipped to Boston and forced to drive through various Big Dig tunnels.

Please Give Generously

Sad news out of DC: The Infernal Revenue Service headquarters building, which was severely damaged in last month's flooding, may not reopen until early next year. The basement suffered extensive damage, along with the electrical systems and air conditioning units housed there.

In these divisive times, this is a golden opportunity for all Americans to come together behind a unifying cause and proudly show our patriotism. We should all donate a portion of our income--not much, just 30% or so (less than 1% if you're really rich)--to this hallowed institution to help it recover. Let's even set ourselves a deadline to do this.

Hmmm.... How about by next April 15?

Dilemmas

A doctor and two nurses in New Orleans have been charged with murder in what is an extraordinarily difficult case. They are accused of administering lethal doses of morphine to four gravely ill patients in a hospital during the immediate aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

Is euthanasia ever justified? For most people, the answer is a simple no. It's murder, pure and simple.

Okay, but let's also consider the conditions at that hospital during the early days of last September: The building is completely surrounded by water, there's no electricity, the air conditioning is out, it's a hundred degrees inside with no air circulation, there's no water or food, and there's little prospect of evacuation anytime soon. Meanwhile, you've got a bunch of gravely ill people on your hands who are only there because they were too frail to transport even before the storm hit and conditions turned to shit. What do you do? Do you allow them to continue to suffer even though you know their death is certain? Or do you put an end to their misery? And does doing so make you guilty of playing God, or does it make you an angel of mercy?

I don't know what the answer is. But I do find it vaguely ironic that when we prematurely hasten the death of a suffering animal, we call it "humane."

Spam Can Kill

A month or so ago there was a story in the news about a preacher in Tennessee who was shot to death by his wife. The woman then fled to Alabama with her children. It was a sad turn of events, and all that was really known about the motive was that it had something to do with an argument over money.

More information has now become public about the case, and it turns out that the couple's finanaces were ruined because they had fallen for the ol' Nigerian email scam.

And The Sun Revolves Around The Earth

The United States Senate yesterday passed a stem cell bill lifting federal restrictions on research in the field. Since the same bill has already passed the House, it only needs the President's signature to become law. The White House says, however, that Bush will veto it. This is not surprising, since Dubya has long been opposed to science. His veto will also provide additional evidence that that the Republican party has become the political arm of the Christian right, and further demonstrates that America is slowly becoming a theocracy.

You know, it's a damn shame Bush wasn't running things 600 years ago. Maybe then he could have put a stop to the blasphemous work done by the likes of Copernicus, Kepler, and Galileo. After all, it was the church that insisted the Earth was the center of the universe and was willing to excommunicate or put to death anyone that said otherwise.

Indeed, if only Bush had been around at other key moments in history, maybe we'd still blissfully believe that the earth is flat, that disease is caused by evil spirits, and that light bulbs are the devil's handiwork because the Bible says it's SUPPOSED to be dark at night.

Meanwhile, At The Copa, Copacabana

The local council in a suburb of Sydney, Australia, has resorted to playing Barry Manilow songs really, REALLY loud. It's part of an effort to stop car enthusiasts from gathering in a city park on weekend nights.

The effort, while successful, has also resorted in collateral damage as nearby neighbors of the park are also complaining about the deafening volume of "Mandy" and "Copacabana."

Where are those Geneva Conventions when they're REALLY needed?!?!

Please Help

I rarely bother to read anything that looks like a "chain email." The stuff is usually a waste of my time, time that is better spent pursuing more worthwhile pursuits in life, like checking out those sites with the naked Britney Spears photos. And I would certainly never subject YOU, my loyal readers, and I'm referring to both of you, to such asinine drivel.

This one, however, caught my eye and then went on touch me in a special place. No, no, not THERE. I meant it went on to touch my heart. It is truly moving, and has caused me to rethink my cynical attitude towards my fellow man. I urge all of you to take a minute to read it. And if it is at all within your means, please donate to this worthy cause.

___________________________________________________________

My name is Billy Evans.

I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.

The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.

Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she' s allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from schoolchildren all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then.

Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true.

Please help me. Mommy is s-o-o sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.

If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury it's turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You,
Billy "Smiley" Evans

WWIII

Some of the wackos at Fox News are saying that we are in the middle of World War III.

That's just stupid. There's no WWIII. No one's invaded France yet!

What? I Was Right?!?

Just a week ago I predicted that the final run of eight Sopranos episodes--scheduled for January--would be delayed until sometime in the spring.

Today comes word that HBO has now pushed the date to sometime in March. The delay was caused by some minor knee surgery for James Gandolfini, as well as potential competition from the NFL playoffs. Rome will now begin its second and final season on January 7, and Sopranos will likely start after that costume drama finishes its run.

At the risk of sounding cocky, I'm going to make another shocking prediction: Senseless violence will continue to plague the middle east.

Pastimes

According to a new study, Americans increasingly prefer watching TV, playing video games, and surfing the internet over spending time visiting national parks. In other words, people now prefer to stay indoors over experiencing nature.

This really shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, when was the last a grizzly bear devoured someone in their living room?

Bear Facts

Well, it's good to know that even polar bears have issues.

What About Ours?

Russians are hailing the death of "our bin Laden." The reference is to the death of Chechen warlord Shamil Basayev, who was killed when a dynamite laden truck in his convoy exploded. Basayev, among other terror acts, had orchestrated the school siege which ended in the deaths of hundreds of children in 2004.

Not to be a smartass, but when are we going to catch OUR bin Laden?

Figaro, Figaro, BANG

The Royal Opera of London has rehired a Soprano it had previously fired for being overweight. Putting aside the whole issue of whether that firing qualifies as discrimination, it was certainly a ballsy move. Very few opera companies would have the cojones to terminate the employment of someone like that.

But more importantly, why does an opera company need a Soprano in the first place? Is it to boost attendance? Do they walk down the street, grab people at random, and threaten to bust their kneecaps if they don't buy a ticket to Pagliacci?

I don't know about the rest of you, but I've certainly found a new appreciation for classical music.

Dirty Punctuation

Do spammers have no sense of decency? I mean, I can live with the constant insinuations about my pecker being too small. And I'm flattered that so many women in my area want to date me.... Though I'm a little hurt they all want a valid credit card number first. And I'm glad there are so many home mortagage discount offers out there. Too bad I rent.

But I really do have to draw the line at emails about colon cleansing products.

When The Thriller Is Gone

Show of hands, please: How many of you know there's another Michael Jackson trial taking place?

The fact that hardly anyone has heard about it means that the mainstream press has been neglecting its responsibilities to the American people, instead concentrating on trivial matters like the erosion of civil liberties in America, the worsening security situation in Iraq, the acceleration of global warming, the continuing development of Iran's nuclear weapons program, global insecurity brought on by North Korea's missile tests, and the death and destruction wrought by the recent northeastern floods.

These new proceedings concern business dealings Jackson had with gay porn producer F. Marc Schaffel. Schaffel claims that Jackson reneged on a major deal and is suing to recoup his losses. Jackson, on the other hand, says that he and Schaffel were never that close and did not have any business dealings.

To prove that Jackson is a lying sack of crap, Schaffel's attorneys played some answering machine messages that Jackson had left. Among those messages was one from Jackson saying, "Marc, it's Michael? Marc, please never let me down.... I like you. I love you? I really want us to be friends and conquer the business world together. Please be my loyal, loyal friend. I love you."

I don't know about the rest of you, but if I ever came home and found a voicemail from Michael Jackson saying he loved me, my first order of business would be to change my identity, undergo radical plastic surgery to alter my appearance, and move to the other side of the world.

Why You & I Are In The Wrong Line Of Work

I'm now accepting bets on whether the final "season" of The Sopranos will still air in January. It seems that "Little Stevie" Van Zandt and Tony Sirico--who play Silvio and Paulie on the show--only signed their contracts last Friday. They had been holding out for more pay, and will now be making nearly $150,000 per episode.

The show has always been notoriously slow to go on the air, sometimes taking as long as two years off between seasons. This latest development means that production will only begin today on those last eight episodes. While HBO hasn't said so, I'm guessing they won't be on the air till sometime next spring.

Sirico can't be blamed for asking for more money. He has nothing else to fall back on, unless he were to start busting kneecaps in real life. And Van Zandt used to have that gig with the E Street Band, but Springsteen's gone off on a Pete Seger kick this summer. That means that Little Stevie's been sitting around at home with nothing to do as well since there's not a whole lot of call for hot electric guitar licks in a folk music band.

Oh, and Tony Soprano himself? Well, James Gandolfini will be making a cool one million per episode. Not that I'm complaining, of course. I don't want to end up in the trunk of Silvio's car.

Useful News From The World Of Science

A new study says that breast feeding helps prevent bed wetting.

Hmmm.... Handled properly, this has potential as a great new pickup line for chicks.

Independence Day

I was reading an interesting article in USAToday Weekend in which historian David McCullough answers some questions about the founding fathers, the risks they took, and the hopes they had for the new nation. Surprisingly, it turns out that many of them expected that the form of government laid out by the Constitution would eventually evolve into a monarchy.

Well, it may have taken more than 200 years, but they turned out to be right.

Hope It Doesn't Belong To One Of The Astronauts

In what can only be described as disturbing news, NASA inspectors have reportedly found crack in the space shuttle's foam insulation.

What will those damn drug smugglers try next?

Impressions

A bombing in a Baghdad market killed 66 people earlier today. This comes on the heels of a suicide bombing yesterday at a funeral that killed four mourners.

I gotta stop reading the news. It's starting to give me the false impression that things aren't going well in Iraq.