Upcoming Sequels

One of the biggest complaints about Hollywood films lately has been the total lack of originality. It seems like when one of the studios does get lucky with a hit, suddenly everyone else has to get on the bandwagon and make copycat versions. Inevitably, the end result is that the idea gets trampled into the ground, and all the movie executives are left scratching their heads wondering what went wrong, and once again bitching about how ticket sales are down.

This vicious cycle appears to be repeating itself yet again. One of the surprise hits to emerge the last few weeks is Brokeback Mountain, a low budget film about two gay cowboys. It was originally released as an arthouse favorite but has now suddenly hit it big a "mainstream" film. The movie has been garnering a lot of critical praise, has captured a number of important awards, and is a favorite Oscar contender.

And in keeping with tradition, Hollywood studios are falling all over one another trying to capitalize on the concept. Here are just a few of the upcoming ripoffs:

Here's the Red State Update review of "Brokeback Mountain".

Here's the trailer for the upcoming Tom Cruise epic, Bareback Top Gun.

Then there's also Brokeback Trek (from the movies), Broke Trek (from the original series), and Brokeback Enterprise (from STNG).

Careful What You Wish For

I admit I sometimes pick on President Bush. Well, okay, maybe a lot. I sometimes even call him an incompetent baboon who would starve to death if Dick Cheney weren't there to peel his bananas for him. But I'm also big enough to admit when I've been wrong, and this is one of times.

One of the justifications Bush came up with for the invasion of Iraq--after that WMD thing kinda fell through--was the idea of spreading of democracy throughout the middle east. If we could just replace those crazy Islamic dictatorships with democracy, and America will automatically become a safer place.

And it turns out that Bush was apparently right. Democracy IS spreading throughout the middle east as more and more countries hold elections!

Okay, so it's the America-hating Islamic fundamentalists like Hamas and the Muslim Brotherhood who have been gaining power in these elections, but at least we'll all be killed by democratically elected terrorists!

I feel better already.

Introspection

Sometimes I feel like a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

Avast Ye Mateys!

Is this still 2006, or are we back in the 1600's? A U.S. Navy guided missile destroyer actually pursued and captured a pirate ship in the Indian Ocean near Somalia. This comes about two months after a cruise ship was attacked in the same general area. In that case, a rocket propelled grenade was fired at the Seabourne Spirit. Although it did explode on the deck, no passengers were injured.

No word on whether the prisoners will have to walk the plank.

Speaking Of American Idols...

In a past life--around 1978 or so--I went to work at a record store called Harmony Hut at Springfield Mall in Virginia. Shortly thereafter I learned about the infamous Leif Garrett in-store appearance.

Who, you young whipper-snappers ask? Garrett was some young pretty-boy singer at the time. You can think of him as a one person version of the New Kids on the Block, if that helps. And if you're too young to remember them, you really shouldn't be reading this site. It's probably past your bedtime.

Anyway, his record company scheduled Garrett to do an autograph signing at the store. The people organizing the thing apparently figured a few dozen people would show up to get his signature.

Boy, were they wrong! In fact, their predictions were almost as wrong as the Bush Administration's predictions about Iraq.

The day of the Garrett appearance thousands of screaming teenage girls showed up at the store. Things quickly deteriorated as mall security found itself unable to manage the situation. There was lots of pushing and shoving and general mayhem, and the appearance was quickly aborted. Garrett was rushed out of the store through the loading dock while employees desperately tried to close the store. The sliding glass doors actually ended up being shoved out of their tracks by the force of the screaming mob.

During the two years I worked there, we had a few other lesser known singers and groups do appearances, and none ever came even close to creating the pandemonium unleashed by Leif Garrett.

He eventually faded from the public's consciousness, replaced by "talents" like Rick Springfield and Shaun Cassidy. I've occasionally wondered whatever became of Garrett, and now I know.

A Sheep Is One Thing, But Rodents?

So.... Have any of you typed any potentially embarrassing search terms into Google lately? Let's hope not, because the Bush Administration is trying to subpoena the search engine giant to turn over records of search terms.

Uh-oh.... Quick, does anyone know if it's illegal to look up information on hot gerbil sex?

Eh?

So what's next for the United States after Iraq? Iran would certainly seem to be a tempting target. After all, they are restarting their nuclear program and thumbing their noses at world opinion.

Well, okay, we thumbed our noses at world opinion too, but that's besides the point.

But an invasion of Iran would only further inflame the middle east, and we'd have those damn suicide bombers to contend with again.

So how about North Korea? They're evil. They've got an illegal nuke program. Their people are enslaved and would no doubt greet us as liberators just as the citizens of Iraq did. Ah, but Seoul and it's eight million people are only like 27 miles from the border, and would likely get leveled in any outbreak of hostilities.

Russia? They've been getting a little big for their britches lately and probably need to be reminded there's only ONE global superpower now. On the other hand, they already have a whole crapload of nuclear missiles and probably wouldn't hesitate to use them.

I know! Let's invade Canada!!!! They're always sending their cold air masses down into the United States, so those damn Canucks are an obvious threat. Plus, half the country is French, so they'd surrender without a fight. And what's the rest of Canada going to do if hostilities do break out? Unleash a heard of moose in our direction? Cut off their supply of hockey players? Piss in the Molson?

Hey, don't laugh. It turns out we've long had plans to invade our northern neighbors should the need ever arise.

What's Your Sign, Baby?

Scientists continue to argue about why the universe is still expanding. According to the big bang theory, gravity should eventually cause that expansion to cease, and everything will then collapse back in on itself.

The problem is, however, that there is no sign of that happening. In fact, new evidence seems to suggest that the rate of expansion is actually continuing to accelerate, and scientists are baffled as to why. But in an effort to hide their ignorance, they come up with fancy terms like dark matter and the Cosmological Constant to try and make sense of it all. But guess what? Those are nothing more than just more theories.

It is time for the so-called "scientific establishment" to admit the uncomfortable truth: Astronomy is nothing but an unproven theory, and our institutions of higher learning should instead start teaching astrology.

Fun Facts About Jack Bauer

Here's a list of fun facts about 24's Jack Bauer. Some samples:

*It is a little known fact that Jack Bauer's tears cure cancer. The problem is Jack never cries.

*If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

*If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost.

*Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Hmmm.... I'm sure that it's only a coincidence that the Jack Bauer list so closely resembles a list of facts about Chuck Norris.

Not that I'm complaining, Jack.

Where's My Geiger Counter?

Anti-nuclear protesters are in Florida demonstrating against NASA's launch of the New Horizons probe, which, barring an accident which would release the spacecraft's plutonium fuel and wipe out all life on Earth, except for Pat Robertson, who would be protected by God, will.... um.... Where was I?

Oh, right. The New Horizons probe is scheduled to launch tomorrow and eventually rendezvous with Pluto.

The launch is coming just a few days after the successful return of the Stardust capsule. That mission collected dust from a comet's tail, and made a pinpoint landing in the Utah desert early Saturday morning after traveling 2.9 billion miles over the course of seven years,.

Assuming the Pluto mission launches successfully, NASA is expected to begin negotiations to explore a number of Hanna-Barbara characters as well.

The Argument For A 25 Hour Day

Tonight's THE big night for rabid 24 fans. The fifth season of the absurdly fast-paced action show was supposed to start at 8 PM (eastern), and guess what? The Carolina/Chicago game is running long. Consequently, the start of 24 will be delayed, which is bad enough. What's worse, however, is that the END of the show will now take place some time after 10. Anyone who's not at home to watch it and is hoping to catch it via VCR or DVR tomorrow is going to be really, REALLY pissed!

Personally though, I couldn't care less. I watched the first season back in 2001 and got hooked on it. But then late in the 23rd and final hour Nina shot and killed Jack's wife. After three years of intense psychotherapy I finally got over the trauma of that plot twist, but I remain reluctant to get sucked back into the show lest my delicate psyche once again end up shattered into a million pieces.

And don't EVEN get me started on Jack's daughter Kim. My God!! How dimwitted can a girl be? Talk about your stereotypical blonde!!! Is it even possible to get kidnapped three times in the course of one day? Well, unless you're in Iraq, I mean.

But even more importantly, there's the time factor. If I were to start watching 24 again, I would be committing myself to watching it every single week for the next six months. I'm already having a hard enough time keeping up with Lost, Invasion, House, Battlestar Galactica, Smallville, and a number of half hour comedies. Then in March HBO will be launching new seasons of The Sopranos and Deadwood. And let's not even get into the two Netflix DVD's that have been sitting on top of my TV since last September.

On top of all that, I also have to find time to complain about how I never have enough time to do anything except complain about how I never have enough time.

No Word Whether It's Going To Be Blonde

Sweden is developing a female crash test dummy, the theory being that women's bodies react somewhat differently in collisions. This is an important step forward towards the goal of safer automobiles, and I plan to buy one of them just as soon as they're available. A dummy, I mean, not a car.

And no, I don't plan to use it in my car.

Howard Stern: Taking Hostages Now?

So I'm reading today's USAToday when I stumbled across this little gem from Jerry Hennen of Fargo, ND in the Letters to the Editor section:

"It makes me sick to see Howard Stern, a 50-something divorced man, now make millions being the world's dirtiest, filthiest-talking radio show host ("No expletives deleted," Life, Tuesday).

Now Stern has no rules, no regulations, no restrictions. Now he can say the "f" word 100 times in an hour, if he chooses. Now he can belittle the crippled and others who need help. He no longer has the Federal Communications Commission to watch over his filth.

So, look out America, your 12-year-olds are going to learn a lot as Stern peddles sex talk as never before."

OMIGOD!!!! Someone call the cops!!!!! Apparently Stern has kidnapped poor Mr. Henner, tied him up, put a gun to his head, and deprived him of his freedom to choose by forcing the helpless man to listen to his radio show!

How much lower can Stern go?

And He Didn't Even Need Viagra

A 64 year old Wisconsin man has been arrested after he admitted to using calves for sexual gratification. Of course, that's only sick if he was using male calves.

So Who Set him up This Time?

Former DC mayor Marion Barry, who was famously set up by a bitch some 15 years ago, has tested positive for cocaine use. The recent tests were mandated by the courts after Barry pleaded guilty on tax charges.

It's really not all that surprising. Once someone is hooked on Coke, it's almost impossisble to break free of its evil lure. It can easily end up costing you your friends, your career, your, dignity, your health, and eventually your life.

That's why I only snort Diet 7-Up.

One Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest

Fourteen more people in Turkey have tested positive for bird flu. So far all the cases appear to have been contracted directly from poultry rather than from another human, which is good news. Even so, the fact that the disease has now been confirmed in Europe is an ominous sign, and migratory birds are suspected to be the culprit.

Damn!! If only those birds hadn't been intelligently designed to migrate, none of this would be happening!

Panic also appears to be spreading among the populace. Turks throughout the country have been flocking (flocking, get it? HA HA!) to hospitals concerned that they may be sick with the deadly disease.

Mouse Hunt

A New Mexico man caught a mouse in his house. Since he had a pile of burning leaves out in the yard, the guy decided, "What the heck, I'll just throw the mouse in the pile and get rid of it like that." Well, the mouse apparently liked it just fine inside the house.... Because that's exactly where the little fellow ran to after he emerged--in flames--from the leaves.

By the time it was all over, the house and all its contents were a total loss.

No word on the condition of the mouse.

XM Vs. Sirius: A Review Of Both

After months of hoopla, Howard Stern finally debuted on Sirius satellite radio this morning. Surprisingly, the sky did not fall, the Earth did not stop spinning, and God did not personally descend from the heavens to smite anyone who might be listening.

Throughout the weekend and into this morning, all you could hear was the sound of a beating heart on Sirius' channel 100. That all changed at 6:00:30 A.M. (they ran just a bit late) when the beats were replaced by the thunderous crescendos of "Also Sprach Zarathustra".... As done to farting noises. Yes, it truly captured the solemnity and dignity of an important moment in radio history.

George "Sulu" Takai then came on in the role of announcer, and it fell to him to be the first to break the old taboos when he concluded his spiel with "Freed from terrestrial radio, no more bullshit!"

As for Howard, it took a surprisingly long 24 minutes for him to drop the F bomb himself.

Personally, I don't care that much for Stern. He's pompous, arrogant, and spends most of his show talking about how great he is. On the other hand, he hates George W. Bush, so the man can't be all bad.

Now at this point, some of you may be saying, Hey Lugosi, didn't you say last summer that you were disappointed with satellite radio, and that it wasn't for you?

No, I never said that. And if denying one's original words and attempting to rewrite history for a gullible public is good enough for the White House, it's certainly good enough for me....

Well, okay, if you're going to threaten to indict me, then yes, I did say that. I did try Sirius for a couple of weeks and ended up being disappointed with how easily the signal could be lost. But after I returned the unit, I decided to give XM a shot and ended up being quite pleased. Yes, its signal could still be interrupted by obstructions, but the problem was much less frequent.

Both satellite services rely on ground based retransmitters in urban areas. Consequently, both XM and Sirius fare quite well in big cities. The real test comes once you're out in the country.

Even if you're driving down the highway at 60 mph and go under an overpass, the Sirius unit will lose the signal for a moment. XM, on the other hand, has no problem with brief obstructions. For its signal to drop, you have to be in bumper-to-bumper traffic at 25 mph while passing under a bridge. Those extra couple of seconds without the signal will cause a corresponding interruption in the audio.

Trees and thick foliage are also a problem for Sirius. XM, once again, handles such obstructions much better.

I should note that when I called to cancel my Sirius service last summer, the guy in their customer service department said it sounded like maybe I had a bad unit. However, the radio I have now is a different model and it is still just as bad on the highway. But since there are no leaves on the trees at the moment, that's not currently an issue. We'll see how it does in a few months once everything turns green again, but there doesn't seem to be any reason to expect the new radio to do any better.

So if I was so disappointed with Sirius, why did I get another radio? Two words: Bruce Springsteen. I found out that Sirius had added a channel dedicated entirely to The Boss, and I immediately had to hightail it down to Circuit City. So yes, I currently have two satellite radios in my car. And I hate to think what all that radiation is doing to my sperm count.

In terms of the music choices, both XM and Sirius are comparable. They each have something on the order of 75 or 80 commercial free music channels. Each one tends to be narrowly focused. For example, there are separate channels for older classic rock, newer classic rock, deep album rock, etc.

The one exception to that is that is the Super Shuffle channel on Sirius. It can go from Lynard Skynard to Hank Williams Jr. to Olivia Newton-John to Frank Sinatra. Every now and then some rap piece will come on, and that's usually my cue to switch over the Big 80's.

As far as sports are concerned, XM has major league baseball while Sirius has the NFL. That means you can tune into any game as they're being played. Moreover, you can usually find each team's usual radio guys covering the games. So like during this past Saturday's Redskins-Buccaneers playoff game, I had a choice of listening to the radio guys who usually broadcast Washington's games on the local FM station OR I could tune in to the Tampa Bay guys covering the game. It's interesting how you can get different perspectives on the exact same game by doing that.

More Links:

Washington Post review on XM and Sirius

The battle for subscribers

FM's battle to hold on to listeners

The Stern effect on Sirius stock

Discussion thread among
some people who have both XM & Sirius

Side-by-side comparisons of the two

Welcome To Wal-Mart, Massah

In a story I had previously missed, it turns out Wal-Mart is trying to get into the banking business.

Well, that's nice. Now heavily armed bank robbers can be met at the door by an 82 year old greeter with a smiley sticker on his vest.

Speaking of the world's largest corporation/slayer of mom & pop stores/exploiter of minimum wage workers/supporter of child slave labor in third world countries, Wal-Mart is coming off a bad week. Last Thursday visitors to the company's website who attempted to order a DVD of Planet of the Apes were asked if they would also like to order a Martin Luther King video, or movies about black boxing legend Jack Johnson and black actress Dorothy Dandridge. Likewise, customers clicking on those titles were also asked if they wanted to purchase Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Needless to say, the outrage was immediate and overwhelming, and the whole sad affair raised a very serious question: Who the hell would want to buy a copy of Planet of the Apes in the first place?

Conservative? What Conservative?

Once again, Gary Trudeau has captured my feelings perfectly.

A Farewell To Zeta

Tropical Storm Zeta has died way out in the open Atlantic, finally putting to rest the memorable 2005 hurricane season. It was the 27th named storm of the year, breaking the 1933 record of 21. Zeta was also the longest-lived storm to form in December and cross into January of the following year. Overall, the year also saw 14 full-scale hurricanes, surpassing the previous record of 12 set in 1969. It was also the first time that the naming system had to utilize the Greek alphabet.

Any cyclones that form in the Atlantic at this point will fall under the 2006 list of names, beginning with Alberto. Officially, hurricane season starts on June 1.

Look Out!! Pat Robertson Has Opened His Yap Again!!

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was felled by a stroke a major stroke earlier this week, and his prognosis does not look good. Now world renown televangelist and all-around nutcase Pat Robertson has weighed in, saying that Sharon's stroke was divine punishment for "dividing God's land."

Oh, is that what happened? I thought that maybe the fact that Sharon is 77 years old and seriously overweight may have had something to do with it. Then again, I'm no medical expert like Mr. Robertson, so what do I know?

Prepare To Be Offended

I've been sitting here for the last hour trying to decide if I'm cruel enough to do this to you, my vast readership of um, a dozen or so people. Then it finally occurred to me that hey, I've never actually met any of my readers (Well, except for the cop who was posing as a 14 year old cheerleader in that chatroom, but that's a post for another day), so why should I care if I offend any of you? That's why I decided to pull my pants back up and start typing.

So.... If you care to check it out, here is the world's funniest blonde joke. Enjoy.

Terror Suspect Detained

Alert ticket agents at the Continental Airlines ticket counter in Houston may have recently averted a major terrorist strike in the United States.

The drama began to unfold when a passenger named Edward Allen attempted to board a flight to New York. His name turned out to be on the Federal government's no-fly list. Allen was immediately detained and questioned for several hours. Suspicions grew when the alleged perpetrator was unable to provide a drivers license. Nevertheless, Allen--who no doubt was a well trained and highly disciplined Al Qaeda operative--stuck to his ridiculous story of being a four year old toddler.

I feel safer already.

Pass The Spyware Catcher

Palm, Inc. has unveiled its new Treo smartphone, the high-tech industry's latest attempt to extort even more money out of us. The Treo 700w makes checking email and wireless web surfing easier than ever by integrating the Windows operating system into the phone itself.

Great. Just what the world needs: A mobile phone that can be immobilized by every god-forsaken internet virus and worm that comes down the pike.

A Growing Market For Soap On a Rope

Jack Abramoff pleaded guilty to another set of felony charges today, this time in the state of Florida.

In response to the growing scandal, a number of congressmen from both parties have begun returning contributions they had received from the former lobbyist. Even President Bush has been touched by this recent turn of events as his campaign gave back $6,000.

It's damn noble of all these politicians to be tripping over one another in an effort to return the tainted funds. Of course, some cynics may argue that it would have been even MORE admirable if they hadn't taken the money in the first place, but that's just silly. After all, it's only a crime if you get caught.

Watch Your Step

Former lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who is at the heart of the influence peddling scandal threatening several members of congress, has pleaded guilty to charges of conspiracy, tax evasion, and mail fraud. He is expected to get a reduced sentence provided he cooperates with prosecutors still investigating the case.

In a related matter, United States Capital Police are warning that floors inside the building are extremely slippery because of increasing volumes of sweat pouring off of congressmen.

Dubya, You're Doing A Heckuva Job

I pick on President Bush a lot, and, well, he deserves most of the time. But in the interest of journalistic fairness, I am also fully prepared to congratulate him when he receives a prestigious honor.

This is one of those times.

A group known as the Global Language Monitor, a nonprofit group that monitors language use, has selected Bush's "Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job" as the top quote by anyone in 2006. You may recall that Bush uttered those now famous words in support of then FEMA Director Michael Brown even as citizens of one of America's greatest cities were wading through chest high water, pushing floating dead bodies out of their way, in a desperate bid to get to the so-called "safety" of the Superdome.

Yes, our government's response--and our President's assessment of the situation--was something our nation can be proud of for years to come. Granted, some people were critical of the Federal government's allegedly slow response, but what else were they supposed to do? Turn on the Weather Channel two days before Katrina hit to see what was about to happen? Or turn on virtually any broadcast or cable news channel in the days immediately after to see what was happening in the streets of New Orleans?

No, of course not. Bush was much too busy protecting Americans against the scourge of terrorism to worry about protecting us against a natural disaster that had been warned about for years. So what if citizens of one of the richest countries on Earth were reduced to drowning like rats in the streets of some third world city? It is much more important to conduct domestic surveillance without the approval of Congress or the courts in an effort to protect our liberties than it is to actually save lives by immediately getting every helicopter within a thousand miles of New Orleans in the air and enroute to a drowning city.

Yes, I'm damn proud to have George W. Bush as my leader.

Spykids

Remember Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame? They are the couple at the heart of the CIA leak investigation, as a prosecutor struggles to determine who in the White House may have illegally revealed Plame to be a CIA agent.

Well, the couple was recently on their way to begin a vacation with their five year old twins when one of the kids announced "My daddy's famous, my mommy's a secret spy."

That's it. Throw the little blabbermouth in jail until he's old enough for college!

The Ol' In & Out

The Washington Post has come out with the 2006 edition of its annual What's In and Out List. As always, being up on the latest in news, fashions, and trends helps.... Which is probably why I don't get so many of them.

Dave Barry's official history of the past 12 months, 2005: A Year on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, is also out.

And The Sixth Letter Of The Greek Alphabet Is....

As we prepare to bid farewell to the year of our lord 2005, let us also give a resounding howdy-doody to tropical storm Zeta! It formed just in the nick of time, as any storm systems achieving named status tomorrow or after will fall under the 2006 list.

Zeta is the 27th named storm of the year and is currently some 1100 miles southwest of the Azores. It is not expected to pose a threat to land.

Time Flies.... Just Not Tonight

Oh great.... Just in case we don't have enough to worry about with environmental problems, oil depletion, deforestation, mutating bird flu viruses, global warming, killer asteroids, giant monkeys falling in love with blonde babes, stronger hurricanes, and terrorists, now we're told the Earth slowing down!!!!

It's true! Scientists have announced that they will be adding a "leap second" to clocks tonight. 11:59:59 PM will actually last TWO seconds this year, so remember that when you get ready to clink your champagne glasses together.

And yes, it's Bush's fault. Thanks for asking.

Stick That In Your Lava Dome And Smoke it

So-called scientists are bewildered by the behavior of Mount Saint Helens in Washington state. It has been "oozing" lava now for the last 15 months. Every three seconds or so, the mountain puts out the equivalent of a large dump truck load of molten rock. Normally when a volcano produces this much lava, the source is from deep underground and is accompanied by certain gases. St. Helens lacks that, which suggests that the lava is coming from inside the mountain itself. But such lava production is short-lived, and causes subtle changes in the shape of the mountain itself. Again, St. Helens lacks that.

Consequently, scientists are unable to fully explain the mechanism behind the mountain's actions because of gaps in their knowledge.

Hmmm.... Gaps in their knowledge? Then obviously Mt. St. Helens' behavior is the product of intelligent design, and we should explain it as such in our kids' science textbooks.

Would You Like Lithium On Your Popcorn, Sir?

A federal judge has granted presidential assailant and certified wacko John Hinckley overnight stays with his parents in Williamsburg, Virginia. Hinckley has been in a DC mental hospital ever since he shot President Reagan and three others in 1981. In recent years Hinckley has been allowed to leave the hospital grounds for shorter excursions with his mother and father. Then last year he was granted overnight visits within a 50 mile radius of DC. Williamsburg, however, is about 150 miles away, so this is a major step for him.

Well, that's nice. Maybe now he'll have a chance to catch up on all those Jodie Foster movies he's missed over the last 24 years.

Heading For Home

I stumbled across an article about one of my favorite singers (and no, I don't mean Britney Spears; besides, it's not her singing that appeals to me). According to the headline, Meatloaf's popularity is growing!

One of the greatest rock songs--heck, THE greatest rock song--of all time is, of course, Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light." It's words incorporate love, lust, cars, interior lighting, the concept of time, commitment, baseball, prayer, and remorse all into one great eight minute 28 second song.

Political Correctness Be Damned...

...this is funny!

---------------From an email

Merry, Er, Holiday Day

There has suddenly been a lot of controversy this year over how to convey one's holiday greetings. Suddenly "Merry Christmas" was out because it might be offensive to Jewish people or Muslims or atheists or followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Then there was a backlash from conservatives against this sudden onslaught of political correctness run amok, who argued it was "Christmas, for crying out loud, and they're called Christmas trees and Christmas presents and Christmas sales and Christmas caroles!" Then they would collapse, gasping for air.

Personally I've always used "happy holidays" myself, but not because I didn't want to offend anyone. It was simply a habit borne of laziness; instead of saying "Merry Christmas and happy New Year" I would say "happy holidays." Why use six words when I could convey the same message with two? That way I could spend more time lounging in my recliner!

But when this "happy holidays" thing erupted into some sort of religious controversy, I was left in a tough spot: Do I keep using "happy holidays," thus conveying the impression that I'm some sort of PC nut? Or do I go back to "Merry Christmas and happy New Year," thereby risking exhaustion from the extra exertion? I suddenly had to do some deep soul searching.

And I learned something important about myself in doing so: My soul is a deep, dark, murky abyss populated by all sorts of strange creatures, some of which can't possibly be the product of evolution. But I also discovered that I'm just plain, well, "ornery." In other words, I get off on always disagreeing with the status quo, whatever it may be. So even if Kerry had won the election, I'd still be bitching about what an idiot the President is, and how much better off we would be if only Bush had won a second term.

Frankly, this scared the holy crap out of me and I immediately stopped my soul searching.

So anyway, in recent days whenever a sales clerk did actually wish me "Merry Christmas," I would respond with "You too, and thanks for saying Christmas." On the other hand, if someone said "happy holidays" I would politely ask, "Oh? Which holidays." Then I would stand there, waiting for an answer and pissing off the 25 people still waiting in line behind me.

I realize this solution isn't much of one, so I plan to use the coming 11 months to come up with a plan.... Something Bush should have done before he invaded--oh, never mind.

Merry holidays to all of you!

Some Yuletide Rockin'

While some people do tend to be a bit garish with their light displays this time of years, occasionally there's one that does succeed in being great. This is a perfect example of one that does.

According to the email that accompanied the link, it was created by an electrician named Carson Williams. The lights on the house and throughout the yard are synchronized to the Trans Siberian Orchestra's "Wizards of Winter." Not only will you need your speakers for this, you'll want to crank them up.

Bright Ideas

Want some great last minute Christmas decorating tips for your home? This is the place to go. In fact, it's safe to say that any of the houses pictured on the site would put Clark Griswold to shame.

A Warm Streak, So To Speak

Considering the long cold snap and occasional ice storms we've had to endure over the last few weeks, today's warm weather was certainly a welcome change. Dulles Airport, for example, hit a high of 56 degrees (13 C). And while some people may have settled for leaving their jackets at home, that just wasn't enough for me. I was so overjoyed by the sudden pleasant weather that I went outside, stripped, and just ran around naked in the warm sun.

It takes a lot to clear out the parking lot of a Wal-Mart two days before Christmas, and I'm quite proud of the accomplishment.

Questionable Personal hygiene

Scientists have discovered a set of rings around Uranus.

Uh, this may be none of my business, but why were you letting the scientists look down there in the first place?

When Dogs Attack

In what can best be described as disturbing news, a new report from the National Hurricane Center has downgraded Hurricane Katrina from a category 4 storm to a category 3. This was done after further analysis of the radar data compiled last August.

Winds in New Orleans--to the west of Katrina's center--would have been even less, probably even as low as category 1. This raises serious questions about the design of the city's levee system, which was supposedly designed to withstand category 3 hurricanes. Even so, some scientists argue that since Katrina was at one point a category 5 storm, the resulting tidal surge would still have been the same.

Meanwhile, New Orleans continues to struggle along in its recovery efforts. Many parts of the city remain largely deserted, and packs of wild dogs can be seen wandering the streets. In one particularly disturbing case, a pack of starving hounds descended upon a helpless alligator. After wearing it down, the killed the exhausted reptile and ate its remains.

A photo was taken during the attack. It is extremely graphic in its depiction of violence, so look upon it only if you dare--and definitely not while you're eating.

---------------From an email

Victory, But For The Wrong Side

Ever since the 9/11 attacks we have been hearing that we should go about our business as usual or the terrorists will win. We should continue to get on airplanes, or the terrorists win. We should continue to spend money, or the terrorists will win. We should continue to get on the subways and buses, or the terrorists will win. And we all agreed that it seemed like a reasonable conclusion.

Now comes word that the President has ordered the National Security Agency to conduct secret spying on Americans. He did this without the approval of Congress, and without a court order. Bush didn't even bother going through the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, which is a highly secret panel of 11 judges specifically formed to combat terrorism. It is their job to review requests for phone taps and other surveillance in such matters, thereby keeping everything legal. When this story broke, one member of the panel quit in protest.

Our President didn't see that way, however. He chose to circumvent the courts and Congress. And when his actions became public, Bush didn't deny the accusation, or apologize, or even act chagrined. No, he instead chose to get angry and call the revelations "irresponsible." Surprisingly, many people seem to agree.

My God, is this what our nation has come to? People are willing to flush the Constitution down the toilet? Our country is founded on certain principles, and one is that no single branch of our government becomes too powerful. That's why the courts will sometimes overturn laws passed by Congress, or why Congress will sometimes override presidential vetoes. Each branch of the government thus keeps the other two in check.

But when one branch--indeed, a single individual--takes it upon himself to circumvent the other two, and then justify it on the basis that he--and he alone--knows what's best, we are on an extremely slippery slope.

And the excuse about protecting the American people by reacting quickly to terrorists who change their phone numbers is a load of crap. That is no excuse to go behind the backs of the American people. If there's one thing the commission that investigate the 9/11 attacks found, its that there were ample opportunities to stop Mohammad Atta and his band of twisted cohorts. More importantly, no secret investigations were needed to learn what they were plotting. The problem was that no one bothered to put the multitude of clues together, whether because of shear incompetence or just petty bureaucratic protection of each agency's "turf."

It no longer matters whether we get on airplanes or spend money like crazy, folks. The terrorists have already won.

That's Just Clucking Ridiculous

Maybe I'm being silly, but all the recent talk about bird flu is making me paranoid. In fact I've pretty much convinced myself that I have it. My symptoms include a general feeling of crappiness, sore throat, a hacking cough, nasal congestion, fever, and feathers growing in my nether regions.

Maybe orange juice will help.

A Victory For Science

In what can only be described as a victory for science and the age of reason, a judge in Pennsylvania has ruled against the teaching of intelligent design in Dover county, Pennsylvania. In fact, he went as far as to call the idea of doing so "breathtaking inanity." It should also be noted that the judge is a Republican and a churchgoer.

Judge John E. Jones III then went on to more fully explain the definition of science and why intelligent design does not qualify. For the last 400 years "science has been limited to the search for natural causes to explain natural phenomena," says Jones. "By contrast, intelligent design's views on how the world got to be the way it is offer no testable facts, choosing instead to rely on authoritative statements."

The matter was largely moot, however, since the pro-intelligent design members of the school board were defeated in the November elections. In fact, it was that defeat that prompted noted televangelist and all around wack job Pat Robertson the citizens of Dover that God would soon unleash his wrath upon their community (even though intelligent design supposedly has nothing to do with religion). It has now been 42 days since that election, and so far Dover has not been wiped off the face of the Earth by mudslides, wildfires, floods, locusts, frogs, or volcanic eruptions.

Of course, the judge will end up burning in eternal hell, but that's not my problem.

Xmas Is Now A Four Letter Word

Here's a wonderful little tale that captures the NEW spirit of the season: 'Twas the Night Before a Non-Denominational Holiday

Bill Frist, Humanitarian Extraordinaire

In the past I have made derogatory comments about Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. This was especially true during the Terry Shiavo circus last spring when Frist offered his expert medical opinion based on a videotape of her. Quite frankly, I was wrong to do that. I do not have a medical degree, and thus do not have any expertise to judge whether he was offering an educated diagnosis based on that video, or simply exercising crass political opportunism in an effort to suck up to the Christian right.

I have also made snide remarks regarding Frist's questionable stock sales which seemed to suggest he had illegally obtained inside information.

For all this, I need to publicly apologize. As it turns out, Senator Frist is an extremely generous man of science. In fact, he actually runs an AIDS charity that last year took in $4.4 million in contributions.

Indeed, Frist is such a humanitarian that his charity paid out almost half a million dollars in consulting fees to two companies. The fact that both those firms are run by a longtime fundraiser for Frist is nothing more than a wild coincidence. Oh, and the additional trivial detail that one of the two companies is also jointly run by the wife of a fellow Republican Senator? That's also purely by chance.

Of course, any such charity will also need lawyers, and for that Frist hired the law firm of Jill Holtzman Vogel, who just happens to be married to Alex Vogel, who in turn happens to be Frist's personal attorney.

I guess that whole six degrees of separation thing should really be reduced to, oh, one degree.

Rush Hour On The Rocks

Rush hours in DC are never a lot of fun, but the one this morning was one for the books.

Early this morning, the guys on the all-news radio station were commenting about how DC had dodged a bullet with the weather. They were referring, of course, to the ice storm which left some 500,000 people from Georgia to western Virginia without power. And while things around here did get a little dicey for a while yesterday afternoon, by late evening it seemed the threat of freezing temperatures was gone. And based on the faulty intelligence provided by the weather forecasters, the various highway departments sent their road crews home.

Then shortly after 5:00 A.M. some disturbing reports about icy roads west of DC began to come in. Over the course of the next hour, the sudden freeze overspread over the entire area--just in time for the morning commute. That made for lots of crashes, including a spectacular one in which a FedEx truck took a header off an overpass. Two interstates in the area had to be briefly closed because of the conditions, and a number of other major roads became impassable. School systems were also caught in a bind. Many already had their buses on the road when rapidly deteriorating conditions forced them to delay their start times.

So now the schools are blaming the highway people, the highway people are blaming the forecasters, and the forecasters are blaming Mother Nature. Whatever, but to me the culprit is obvious: President Bush.

I'm not sure how yet, but give me time.

Probe This

NASA is preparing to launch a probe to explore Pluto. Assuming it can liftoff by January 11, the New Horizons spacecraft will take 9 1/2 years to reach its destination. The mission is actually more of a flyby, as it will not have enough fuel to decelerate and go into orbit.

If the mission proves successful, NASA hopes to launch more probes to explore other minor Disney characters.

Just Passing Gas For Now

The Galeras volcano in Colombia is expected to erupt sometime in the next few weeks. The government of that South American country has ordered some 9000 people who live near the mountain to evacuate. Needless to say, many are not heeding that edict.

In particular, the villagers of Genoy, at the base of Galeras, are insisting that they are safe. They claim that they are "friends" with the volcano, and that the Virgin Mary will protect them. It apparently hasn't occurred to these people that perhaps Mary is the one who sent the scientists and government officials to warn the village in the first place.

Anyway, I bring this up only because when the volcano does finally erupt and kills all the people who refused to leave, I plan to mock them. A lot.

So if that's the type of thing that is likely to offend you, well, you may as well get offended now and get it out of your system.

Pass The Bananas

I saw King Kong today, and it can pretty well be summed up in one word: WOW!!!!! Beyond that, all I can say is that any movie featuring a giant computer generated ape that makes you cry at the end is more than worth the price of admission. Hell, by the time it was over, I ended up not even caring about the damn Toyota Scion ad during the previews.

Coincidentally, Saddam also saw Kong today. He's written a more extensive review on it if you'd like to check it out.

Arnold: Guilty Of Upholding The Laws Of The State Of California

The European Union has now condemned Arnold Schwarzenegger's decision to allow the execution of Tookie Williams. In fact, they're calling the entire idea of capital punishment "barbaric."

Well, that's nice. But just out of curiosity, do they also consider the murders of four innocent people barbaric? Or how about the creation of a street gang which, in its almost 30 years of existence, has caused hundreds of deaths?

Austria's Green Party has gone as far as to demand that Schwarzenegger be stripped of his citizenship. Oh, so now Austria wants to lecture us about what is and is not barbaric? Just out of curiosity, how many Jews did Austria allow to die in the gas chambers? And please don't blame Hitler for that. I'm sure if the man hadn't killed himself, he would have gone on to write children's books, and then all would have been forgiven.

Even the Vatican has weighed in, with a spokesman saying that the death penalty flies in the face of "redemption and human dignity." Uh, before the church begins lecturing ANYONE on justice, perhaps they should look closely at themselves and their decades-long history of quietly reassigning hundreds of known child molesters to new parishes.