Grab Your Hardhats
Astronomers say that the Earth will pass within a million miles of a 4.6 X 2.9 kilometer asteroid this coming Wednesday morning. Despite rumors to the contrary, scientists say they are certain it will not collide with Earth. Were it do so, however, it would likely wipe out civilization, lead to the end of humanity, and throw our planet into a massive ice age lasting tens of thousands of years.

On the plus side, it would also put a stop to those asinine reality TV shows.

The way things have been going lately, though, it wouldn't surprise me if the damn thing were to hit Florida.

---------------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star Ledger

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Dear Floridians:
Congratulations!! The Sunshine State has become the first state since Texas in 1886 to be hit by four hurricanes in the same year. And these weren't puny little category 1 storms, either, but major category 3 and 4 monsters!!! This is truly something to be proud of! And in case you people haven't figured it out yet, this is God's way of warning you not to f*ck up the election again. Capeesh?

Now go clean your rooms.... Well, those of you who still have rooms, that is.

Rampant Irony
I still can't get over how Dan Rather so stupidly fell for those fake documents. What kind of idiot would do such a thing?

Rather's failures are absolutely inexcusable. Why, the only thing that could possibly be any worse would be the President of the United States falling for forged documents and using them as a basis to launch a war!

Come to think of it, why doesn't CBS do a story on that?!?



P.S.
Thanks to Solar for the link.

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---------------Wiley, Non Sequitor

Did She or Didn't She?
The funny thing is that this cartoon ran in the paper on Tuesday, and it wasn't until today that we learned that there's no marriage license to go with Britney and Whathisname's wedding.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Hmmm.... Guess Dan Rather isn't that big a dope after all!

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Risen from the Dead
You remember those Friday the 13th movies? They had this guy Jason, who, no matter how many times was killed off, kept coming back.

Well, that's what our old friend Hurricane Ivan is like. He came ashore last Wednesday night in Alabama, came up the east coast, dumped ridiculous amounts of rain over a dozen states, caused a near-record outbreak of tornados in Virginia, and then went out to sea to die in the chilly waters of the north Atlantic.

Downtown Warrenton last Friday, about 2-3 miles from where I live.

Only he didn't.

It seems Ivan looped back down south, crossed over Florida as a rainstorm, and re-formed in warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico. Meteorologists say that while this is certainly unusual, it's not entirely unheard of. And while the storm's winds are a mere fraction of what it was packing last week, it is expected to be a heavy rain producer for Texas and Louisiana.

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the Bush administration declined to speculate on who was responsible for this colossal intelligence failure.

And It Itches, Too
One side effect of the CBS memo fiasco is that people who write weblogs are being taken more seriously. After all, it was bloggers who first raised questions about the authenticity of the documents.

Still, certain elements of the "mainstream media" are slow to catch on to our influence. One CBS executive went as far as to say that bloggers are "loners who sit home alone in pajamas and spin fantastic tales." Needless to say, he said that BEFORE Memogate blew up Dan Rather's face.

Quite frankly, I am deeply offended by that network official's comment. It is sadly indicative of the stereotyped views many people not only in journalism but throughout society in general have of bloggers. The attitude is sickening, and it's time I did my part to correct such narrow minded ideas.

Granted, I do occasionally come up with fantastic tales. And yes, I do live alone. But to imply that I sit in front of this computer in my pajamas all day long is just plain wrong.

---------------Oliphant

I don't wear pajamas.



P.S.
And quite frankly, this leather chair is making my butt squeak.

Dan Rather Is Such a Putz

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

I was happier than a pig in poop last week when CBS unveiled those documents about the President's National Guard service. And when the critics began to pile, I remained confident that they would be proven to be genuine. After all, we're talking about CBS News, Dan Rather, and the producers of 60 Minutes. Surely such a group of respected journalists wouldn't have jeopardized their hard earned reputations by doing a story based on phony documents!!

Man, was I wrong!!! I haven't felt this duped since the time some idiot convinced me we were invading Iraq because they had weapons of mass destruction.

The real victim in this little fiasco is a silly little concept called The Truth. At this point, even if the REAL memos did surface tomorrow, no one would believe them.

And does the truth of what happened 30 years ago really matter today? Only to the extent that if the Bush people want to question John Kerry's war record, then I think their own man's credentials need to be scrutinized as well. Lord knows there are a number of unanswered questions that even Bush himself has declined to shed light on.

---------------Tom Toles, The Washington Post

But what this campaign really needs to be about is the President's record of the past 3 1/2 years, the present situation in Iraq, and the future of our nation. Kerry needs to start talking about Bush's own "flip-flopping." For starters, he needs to remind Americans that Bush initially opposed establishing a department of Homeland Security, then turned around and supported it. And how Bush opposed the creation of an independent panel to examine the 9/11 attacks and the shortcomings that allowed it, then decided to support it. And how last fall Bush opposed extending the life of that Commission, then gave in to pressure from the 9/11 families and allowed it. And how the administration wasn't going to allow Condi Rice to testify, then gave in and allowed it. And how Bush is now suddenly embracing the recommendations of the very same Commission he initially opposed.

And on the subject of Iraq, Kerry needs to remind the people of this country of what Bush said to the insurgents last summer: "Bring them on!!" Since then, over 800 American soldiers have died in that god forsaken patch of sand and almost 7000 have been wounded. And for what? To overthrow a dictator? Big freaking whoop! Saddam wasn't a threat. We already had him contained with no-fly zones over both the northern third of Iraq and the southern third. And granted, it did take a helluva lot of pressure, but weapons inspectors finally had a free reign to do their jobs.

And now we're asked to believe that we're safer than we were three years ago? How can that be when the guy that killed 3000 Americans on 9/11 is still out there, and apparently itching to inflict even more damage on us with a new, "spectacular" attack?

Good Taste or Tastes Good?

Two of my favorite shows won big at the this year's Emmy Awards. This means either that I have impeccable taste, or that civilization has finally sunk to my level.

I love The Sopranos, and it won for best drama. Several cast members also won individual awards. Incidentally, for anyone who wants to catch the series from the beginning, HBO2 will begin showing the series from the very beginning next Monday. They're doing one episode every weeknight, so set your TiVo's now.

But the one that surprised me--and evidently surprised a lot of people--was the winner for best comedy: Arrested Development. This is a show that almost wasn't renewed because of its poor ratings. And that would have been a damn shame, because it was easily one of the funniest things on network TV the past year.

The basic storyline is that the patriarch of a very rich family has been jailed for looting the family business. Meanwhile, you have his spoiled wife is suddenly forced to do without many of the luxuries she's grown accustomed to. He also has three sons--two of whom are completely dysfunctional--and a daughter. The oldest son, Michael, is possibly the most normal of the clan. Not only is he now charged with running the company, he has to try to keep the family together while at the same time enduring the manipulations of his mother. There's a lot of quick jokes and flashbacks, which often set the stage for another joke later on.

One thing that may confuse some people: There's no laugh track. I suspect a lot of viewers have a problem with that.

Thank God They're Heterosexuals

In what can only be described as a giant leap forward for family values, Britney Spears married her latest husband Saturday evening. The wedding came as something of surprise since it wasn't expected for another month or two. Family members were aghast, industry observers were left stunned, paparazzi were caught offguard, and even the Iraqi insurgency was momentarily disrupted as the news swept the world.

The ceremony took place at approximately 7:30 PM. If the happy couple is still married at 2:30 AM Tuesday, it will be a new record for Miss Spears.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Generous to a Fault

Sure, if you look at the score of yesterday's game against the Giants, it certainly looks like the 'Skins lost 20-14. But appearances can be deceiving.

You see, Redskins coach Joe Gibbs is well known for his generosity off the field. Unfortunately, sometimes that need to give back to the community extends onto the football field, and that's exactly what happened with New York. How else can one explain seven freaking turnovers in a single game except as a profound act of selflessness? So you see, technically the Redskins did not lose that game; They gave it away.

No doubt they'll be deducting it from their tax returns next April.

Next Monday night they'll be playing the evil Dallas Cowboys on national TV, and there had damn well better not be any acts of charity performed during the game.

---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post Intelligencer

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Auntie Em!! Auntie Em!!
First off, let me say that we got off easy compared to what people to our south have gone through. That said, things got very exciting around here yesterday afternoon and evening.

The first tornado warning was issued around 3 PM for the area around Remington, VA (that's where the accompanying photo was taken). Remington also happens to be about 15 miles from me. One of the local stations aired a video that a homeowner there took of the approaching twister. You can hear the guy's wife screaming in the background as he stands in his front door taping it. Then right about the time the house across the street started coming apart, the couple decided to get the hell down into the basement. They made it just before their own house was demolished. This of course raises a question: Why do some morons insist on standing out in the open with a camera when nature's full fury is bearing down upon them? Apparently, this is a rather common trait (and there are comments there despite the "0 comments" line). On the other hand, I've never personally witnessed a tornado, so I'm not sure HOW I would react.... Aside from shit my shorts, I mean.

Things quickly went downhill from there, and for the next several hours there were multiple warnings in effect at any given time.

Other twisters hit a number of other areas to the west and south of DC. One of the more dramatic ones was a funnel cloud that passed over Dulles Airport. You know how they always tell you to stay away from windows during a tornado?Well, I don't know how many of you are familiar with the main terminal at Dulles, but trying to avoid a window in that place is like trying to avoid a carbomb in Baghdad.

Needless to say, there was a mad scramble to get down to the lower level of the building.

After narrowly missing the airport, the twister did finally touch down. This was actually a good thing, since it hit the AOL office complex a few miles away and damaged several buildings. One can only conclude that Ivan was not a fan of wildly overpriced dialup internet service.

Things finally began to settle down by 9 PM, and today has turned out to be rather nice--and a helluva lot calmer.

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---------------Walt handelsman, Newsday

Spin Masters
Hurricane Ivan (or at least what's left of the monster storm) is beginning to make its prescence felt in the DC area. As of about 4 PM there were three active tornado warnings west of the city, and new ones were popping up as quickly as insurgencies in Iraq.

Is That a Checkbook in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

One of the oldest and most venerable financial institutions in DC is Riggs National Bank. A number of US Presidents, including Abraham Lincoln, have had checking accounts there, and Riggs financed the US government's purchase of Alaska back in 1868. It's motto even used to be "Right on the money," because it used to appear on the back of the OLD ten dollar bill (Don't believe me? Find an older ten spot--one with the smaller portrait of Alexander Hamilton--and you'll see a picture of the US Treasury from down the street. Just behind it, poking out from around the corner, is another building. That's a Riggs branch).

Lately though, Riggs' once bright star has faded. The bank's sale to PNC out of Pittsburgh is expected to be finalized some time in the next few months. Meanwhile, Riggs officials are under investigation for money laundering on behalf of a number of foreign embassies and dictatorships.

Now former Senator and one time presidential candidate Bob Dole's name has gotten caught up in this quagmire. Federal investigators have discovered that once a week, one of Mr. Dole's assistants shows up to withdraw $8,000 cash for him. There is nothing necessarily wrong with this activity, but it has prompted the creation of a suspicious activity report.

This really shouldn't surprise anyone, though. It has long been rumored among DC's power elite that Mr. Dole is nursing a thousand dollar a day Viagra habit.

And quite frankly, I think he's been faking that whole arm thing, too.

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Bang, Bang
In a controversial move, Congress has allowed a ten year old ban on assault weapons to expire. Predictably, the NRA says this is a good thing, since apparently many sportsmen prefer hunting wascally wabbits with submachine guns. In contrast, many liberal groups are up in arms (figuratively speaking, of course) over the matter and would prefer to see the ban continue.

But anyone with any sense can see that the average homeowner needs heavy firepower to defend his property. In fact, the nation is fortunate that George W. Bush moved so swiftly to neutralize the immediate threat posed by Iraq. Had Saddam been allowed to launch his invasion of the United States--details of which will soon be revealed by Dick Cheney--average Americans would have been powerless to defend their homes. And then where would we be?

But if we issue machine guns to every man, women and child (Well, the Republican ones, at least) we'll be able to defend ourselves against foreign hordes when they storm our beaches.... Especially those Lithuanians. They're all cocky after beating our basketball team at the Olympics, and will probably be coming after our women beach volleyball players any day now.

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Batter Up
Personally, I'm not much of a baseball fan. In fact, I am in 100% agreement with Robin Williams' opinion that the game is five minutes of excitement crammed into three hours. Who wants to pay good money to watch a bunch of guys stand around scratching their nuts? Hell, I can do that at home for free by standing in front of a mirror. In fact, I often do.

Last night, however, a game between the Oakland A's and the Texas Rangers took an ugly turn when one of the Ranger pitchers--apparently upset by taunts from the California fans--heaved a chair into the stands. Two people were injured in the sudden, unexpected eruption of violence.

Hmmm.... Perhaps there's hope for baseball yet!

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

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Good Links
If you've ever wondered what makes a hurricane tick, the Washington Post had a pretty good article on the subject today. It's not terribly long, and yet goes into the mechanics of it in easy to understand language. Hell, even I could follow it!

And speaking of stormy hot air, controversy continues to swirl around the National Guard memos that CBS news reported on last week. Some experts are claiming they're fake, others are saying that they may be real because certain IBM typewriters did produce the fonts in question in the early '70's. At any rate, USAToday had a pretty good roundup of the latest facts and opinions from both sides.

But here's a question to consider: IF they are in fact fake, why hasn't the President stepped forward to say that they are? Instead the White House continues to give a variation of the "I have no recollection of the events in question" response that politicians so often fall back on.

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Welcome Back, Joe
Generally speaking, Washington is a rather transient town, and loyalties are only as good as the latest poll numbers. But for longtime DC residents, there has been one constant in our lives, and it has nothing to do with Republicans, or Democrats, or Presidents, or Swift Boat Veterans for Bald Faced Lies. And that one island of continuity in a sea of constant change is the Washington Redskins.

That's why it's hard to overstate the esteem with which the name Joe Gibbs is held in this town. The man not only won three Super Bowls back in the '80's, he did with three different quarterbacks--the only NFL coach to ever do that. And when he retired back in 1993, well, people were sorry to see him go. But life goes on, right?

Well, only theoretically. During those intervening years, the Skins slipped deeper and deeper into an abyss of darkness and obscurity. The team went through a change of ownership, five head coaches, ten losing seasons, and only one playoff appearance. Even worse, we lost to the evil Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day of 2001.

And so it was that with each passing season the despair of Redskins fans deepened while the Legend of Joe Gibbs grew.

Consequently, when it was announced last winter that Gibbs was coming out of retirement, this town went nuts. Forget homeland insecurity, the presidential race, and all the pettiness that so pervades politics in DC: Coach Joe was back.

And it's not just that the man is a football genius. It's also that he is so incredibly humble and nice and understated that you want to heave your guts all over the screen of your brand new plasma HDTV. If only the people running our nation were this nice, the world would be a better place.

Thus it was only fitting that Gibbs would win his first regular season game back in the saddle.... And that it would the team's 500th franchise victory.... And that it would be his 125th career win as a head coach.

Yes, it was a close, hard-fought game. And yes, the season is young. And yes, we might well end up losing the remaining 15 games. But for now, all is right in the world of Redskins fans.

A Sad Anniversary
Today marks the third anniversary of September 10, 2001. You may recall it, for it was a day totally unlike any since. Here are just a few of the reasons 9-10-01 will be remembered for a very long time:

* There were no armed fighter jets patrolling the skies of the United States.

* We were able to get on an airplane without eyeing the other passengers suspiciously. And once the plane took off, all we had to worry about was the quality of the food.

* The purpose of flight attendants was to hand out little bags of peanuts and fluff our pillows, not to serve as the last line of defense for homeland security.

* Homeland what?

* Terrorism was something that always happened some place else.

* We weren't afraid of our mail, and Anthrax was just a loud band.

* If we saw white powder somewhere, we automatically assumed someone had spilled creamer.

* No one gave a damn where Afghanistan was. And what's a Taliban?

* No one had ever heard of Shanksville, Pennsylvania. And no one in Shanksville expected that anyone ever would.

* If we went downtown, the only thing we worried about was getting mugged.

* The Oklahoma City bombing of 1995 was the worst act of terrorism on U.S. soil, and April 19 would always be associated with that unimaginable horror.

* If a plane had crashed on September 10, our first thought would have been, "Gee, what a horrible accident."

* The only emotion we felt when we had to pull over for a firetruck was annoyance.

* Several thousand tourists enjoyed the spectacular view from the observation deck of the World Trade Center.

* Most of all, it was a day to feel good about the future, and our place in the world. After all, this is the United States of America, and everyone in the world loved us.

Yes, September 10, 2001 was quite a day.



P.S.
This is a variation of the entry from last Sept. 10.

So Why Aren't the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth Advertising This?
Ever since Bush's run for the presidency in 2000, he has been dogged by rumors that he not only received preferential treatment in joining the Texas Air National Guard, but that he also went AWOL from his unit. This issue gained new relevance as many of his supporters began questioning the legitimacy of challenger John Kerry's medals from his service in Vietnam. But the Bush rumors remained exactly that, with no solid evidence to back them up.

Until now.

Recently discovered records show that the reason Bush abruptly stopped flying in 1972 is that he disobeyed a direct order from his commanding officer to take a required physical. In other memos, Bush's squadron leader complains that he was under pressure from superiors to "sugar coat" Bush's evaluations.

It should also be noted that while all this was going on, George W.'s father was a congressman from Texas. Ah, but that probably wasn't a factor in any of this alleged preferential treatment. Too bad the 58,000 that did ultimately die in Vietnam didn't have such connections.

But what makes this news even more outrageous is that it comes the day after the number of troop deaths in Iraq broke the 1,000 mark.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

On the other hand, maybe Bush's weaseling out of his Vietnam service may have been a brilliant tactical move: At least he avoided any future controversies over Purple Hearts and medals for valor!!

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A Visit from Frances
In previous weeks, we in the Washington area have managed to avoid the remnants of tropical storms/hurricanes Bonnie, Charley, and Gaston. Even though each of those storms were forecast to drop anywhere from 1" to 4" of rain, they kept sliding off further to the east than expected and we'd end up with a sunny day.

Yesterday, however, our luck ran out with Frances.

While the bulk of its rain went off to our west this time, we still got hammered with some pretty good storms in the afternoon (some accounts). In fact, I was at home when the tornado watch was issued shortly after noon. Now, watches generally aren't that big a deal. It's really only the warnings that you need to worry about.

So when my weather radio went off around 2 with a warning for Fauquier County, it got my attention. And when they further said the twister was in the vicinity of Warrenton--which is where I live--it not only got my attention, it walked right up and gave me a dope slap upside the head.

Now I've actually heard of morons who will go stand out on their back porch snapping pictures of approaching tornados. Personally, though, I've always been the cautious sort. So even though I could see no evidence of imminent violent weather, I decided to err on the side of caution by dragging my mattress into the bathroom and laying it on top of me while I hid in the tub. The tricky part was leaving enough of an opening to provide me with a clear line of site to the TV in the living room so I could keep playing with my new DVR.

And while the tornado did touch down a few miles away, it did no substantial damage. In other areas around DC, twisters did damage some homes in addition to uprooting trees. Fortunately, however, no injuries were reported.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to drag my mattress into the bathroom again and lay it on top of me while I hide in the tub. No, there's no bad weather. It's just kinda fun.

What's That Bursting Out of Your Chest?

NASA's "Genesis" mission has met with an unfortunate end in the Utah desert. Launched almost three years ago, the space capsule was supposed to capture solar particles from deep space and return them to Earth for study by scientists who continue to keep the pocket protector manufacturing industry in business. The plan was that after the probe's descent was slowed by a parachute, a helicopter would snag it out of midair and gently lower to the ground.

For as yet unknown reasons, the parachute apparently failed to deploy and the craft smashed into the Earth at over 100 mph. Not only were the samples destroyed, but alien microbes that can transform humans into hideous tentacled alien creatures with multiple heads hitched a ride back and have now been unleashed upon the Earth. Within a matter of weeks--possibly even days--mankind as we know it will cease to exist.

This is a damn shame, since it was only today that I finally figured out how to operate my stupid DVR working.

Fancy Running Into You Here

Actor James "Tony Soprano" Gandolfini was broadsided by a 72 year driver in New Brunswick, NJ over the weekend. Charles Collins was charged with driving under the influence and running a red light. He was not injured.... Yet.

Oddly enough, Collins' family reported him missing this morning, along with a number of large trash bags and an empty bowling ball bag.

A Warning from on High?

Frances did quite a number on eastern and central Florida over the last 30 hours or so. It has since passed into the Gulf of Mexico, where it may restrengthen back to hurricane status before striking the northern panhandle of.... Florida.

Yes, the exact same hurricane is about to strike the exact same state a second time! How freaking weird is that!?! And all this comes on top of the damage wreaked upon the alleged "Sunshine State" by Tropical Storm Bonnie and Hurricane Charley.

What's more, even after Frances finishes its handiwork in Florida, it may not be over for the state's beleaguered residents.

Currently off the coast of South America is none other than Hurricane Ivan. With sustained winds of 125 mph, it is currently rated as a category three storm, and is expected to pass near or over Cuba towards the end of the week. The center of the current predicted storm track takes right into southern Florida a day or two after that.

Any bets on how long before clever meteorologists begin referring to it as "Ivan the Terrible?" I'm thinking Thursday.

So what is going on with all these hurricanes? Why are they targeting Florida so often this year? True, most of the state does stick out into the ocean, making North America look like it overdosed on Viagra, but I still can't remember a year in which they have been hit this many times.

You know what I think it is? It's a warning from God to Floridians not to f*ck up the election again.

---------------Michael Ramirez, LA Times

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Tick Tock
A few days ago, I added a new feature. It's a countdown clock showing the number of days till A) The election and B) The announcement of the death or capture of Osama bin Laden (it's on the left, betwixt the weather and the terror alert color). Call me a cynic, but I strongly believe--along with many other wacko conspiracy theorists out there--that this announcement will come in October, thereby assuring President Bush's reelection. Of course, IF this does come to pass, I'm sure it will be nothing more than a wild coincidence....

That's why I REALLY went out on a limb and picked October 29, the very last Friday before election day. That way the American public will have all weekend to rejoice in this great accomplishment.

Just another of Lugosi's wild, crazy ideas, eh? Perhaps not!!

Yesterday, a US State Department official said that bin Laden should be checking his watch, because the clock is ticking.

Of course, I am the first to admit that not only is predicting bin Laden's capture/demise before Nov. 2 a longshot, but that specifying the actual date borders perilously close to full scale, unadulterated madness.

That's why IF this actually happens on October 29, I will personally shit a brick.

And you're all cordially invited to bring your cameras and record the act for posterity's sake.

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---------------Michael Ramirez, LA Times

Mother Nature's Fury
I'm certain that when Frances finally strikes Florida, the results will be absolutely devastating. Billions of dollars of damage will occur, millions of people will be left without power, tens of thousands of them will lose their homes, countless families will be torn asunder, and invariably many will die. But the horrors of Hurricane Frances are certain to be felt far beyond the borders of Florida. Indeed, I am experiencing them in a very real and personal way myself.

Earlier today someone from Adelphia Cable came out to install my DVR (essentially a generic TiVo). He got everything hooked up and then called his office to get the unit activated. Well, actually, he had to call the Adelphia office in a neighboring county because the local one here in Warrenton (Whoops--Did I just reveal where I live?) is closed on weekends. But for some reason, they couldn't get the "codes" to work. Apparently the fact that two different counties are involved was creating a problem, and the person who would know how to get around it was off for the three day weekend. So his boss suggested he call their 888 number and have customer service do it.

So the technician calls, and guess what? He gets a recording, and NOT the one that says "We value you as a customer so we're going to make you wait for an indeterminate period of time until you get so frustrated that you begin screaming obscenities and smash the phone with a sledgehammer."

No, this recording explained that Adelphia's call center in Florida is closed because of the hurricane!

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

On the other hand, I suppose I should be glad that their call center isn't located some place like Kuala Lumpur.

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---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Time to Move On...? Nah.
Smooshie left a comment on the Sept. 1 post saying:

I think it is very wrong for people to do the whole "band-aid joke". However, what do you expect people to talk about when all they have heard from Kerry is his Vietnam record? I'm sick of it all! Who cares if he did or didn't deserve the Purple Heart... He was there. Enough said. Can we move onto something that wasn't 30 years ago?

Speaking for myself, no, I am most certainly NOT prepared to move on. In fact, I feel that there are some serious, unresolved issues about the French & Indian War that need to be addressed. For example, did you know that on July 3, 1753, George Washington and his men surrendered to the French? The freaking FRENCH, for crying out loud!!! How insulting is THAT?!?

The man is not fit to be President, much less help create a country.

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

A New Low
Just when I think the Republican party can't possibly sink any lower, it goes and proves me wrong. Their latest stunt is despicable almost beyond words.

Some delegates at the convention have begun sporting a purple heart band-aid, the implication being that a minor cut can lead to the award.

Never mind the fact that John Kerry volunteered to go to Vietnam while Bush weaseled his way into a Texas National Guard unit. And never mind that while Kerry was getting his ass shot at in Vietnam, Bush was busy disappearing from the Alabama National Guard unit to which he had transferred.

Here's a point to ponder: People who knew Kerry in Vietnam have been coming out of the woodwork, arguing back and forth about his war record. Okay, fine, but at least the man has a war record.

Yet not a single person recalls seeing George W. Bush during his time with the Alabama Guard unit? How can that be?

---------------Oliphant

I understand the argument that once Kerry chose to rely so heavily on his Vietnam experience, it became fair game. But if the Republicans are going to start making snide comments about Kerry's past valor, then it's only fair that the Democrats should start talking about George W. Bush's 1976 DUI arrest. Oh, but let's not stop there! Let's go even lower and make jokes about the time in 1963 17 year old Laura Bush ran a stop sign and killed another student.

Guess Where I'm Going
Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" was released on DVD today, and it's proving to be a big seller. Unfortunately it's also generating a lot complaints.

Many people are finding themselves unable to watch it because the hole in the middle keeps healing itself.

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Damn Foreigners
So I wake up this past Sunday morning, and one of the first things I hear on the news is that Tropical Storm Gaston is pounding South Carolina with 70 mph winds. And my immediate reaction is to almost choke on my Pop Tart (Frosted strawberry)(Thanks for asking).

Now I like to think that I keep up with current events and breaking news. So to suddenly hear about some near-hurricane that seemingly came out of nowhere took me very much by surprise. For example, professional meteorologists were warning us about Bonnie and Charley almost a week in advance. And even now, they're already predicting death and destruction from hurricane Francis even though it's still at least five days away from making landfall.

So to repeat: How did Gaston sneak up on us like this? Did it suddenly just pop up out of the ocean, yell "Boo!!" and start tearing up trailer parks? Shouldn't the Bush Administration have been protecting us?

More importantly, what the hell kind of name is "Gaston?" Is that a boy's name or a girl's? And what nationality is it? I'm betting no natural born citizens of South Carolina are named Gaston. In fact, if you ask me, it sounds kind of... FRENCH!!!

All day yesterday, the weather people were predicting that Gaston's remnants would come through DC. One to three inches of rain, they said. In fact, that's what the forecast was in Richmond, VA as well: one to three inches.

Well, as it turned out, we didn't get ANY rain near DC. Not a drop. And the same thing happened with both Bonnie and Charley a couple of weeks ago. Both storms were supposed to come through DC and wreak havoc with massive amounts of rain. And in both cases, we got squat as both of them went off to our east.

On the other hand, poor Richmond--about 100 miles south of here--got soaked with over a foot of rain yesterday afternoon and evening (Survivors' stories). Some of the pictures coming out of the downtown area were absolutely amazing, with cars floating merrily down the middle of normally busy thoroughfares. Many people ended up spending the night at work when the sudden, completely unexpected deluge turned the streets into major tributaries of the James River.

Good thing these meteorologists weren't responsible for forecasting the presence of WMD's in Iraq.... Then again, perhaps they were.

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---------------Michael Ramirez, Los Angeles Times

Cheapskate Celebrities
Actor Matt Damon's 70 year old uncle has become the oldest person to ever swim the English Channel. He accomplished the grueling 21 mile trek in just under 16 hours.

It's a crying shame, isn't it? Damon is a world famous actor who literally makes millions of dollars per movie, yet he's not willing to buy his elderly relatives a damn boat.

Olympic Wrap Up
Well, the Olympics have officially ended, and the question on everyone's mind is: "What the hell happened to the men's basketball team?" I mean, seriously, if there is one single sport on the face of this planet in which we should have won a gold medal, it's freakin' men's basketball!! We invented the game, for cryin' out loud, and the players representing our nation were all professional NBA players! So how the hell could we have possibly lost.... To Lithuania, Argentina, and Puerto Rico no less!!! Granted, we did beat Lithuania the second time 104-96, but even that was a come from behind victory.

On the other hand, their terrible performance should put to rest for once and all the narrow-minded bigoted notion that blacks are somehow more athletic. After all, the American players were all African-American, and they were getting their asses kicked by white people..

Could it be that foreign white people are superior to American white people, and in better overall physical shape? Then again, that's a ridiculous thought with absolutely no basis whatsoever in reality.

Uh-oh.... I just realized I'm almost out of Twinkies.

Thankfully, the women's basketball won gold, and rather impressively at that. Here's a suggestion: Have the American women play the American men. Personally, I wouldn't bet against the women.

But enough about basketball. And for that matter, forget not only all the other Olympic sports but football and baseball as well, for I have a NEW favorite sport: Women's volleyball. Well, more specifically, women's beach volleyball. There's way too much clothing involved in the indoor version. Of course, it's appeal to me is strictly based on nothing more than the sheer athleticism and skill of the players.

Right.

And with any luck, I'll be able to stand up by tomorrow.

There is a men's beach volleyball as well, but quite frankly, who gives a rat's patootie? Well, unless you're the governor of New Jersey, in which case it would probably appeal to you.

Then there are the women shot putters and discus throwers. And if there's a scarier bunch of chicks on Earth, I don't EVER want to know who they are.

There are a lot of water sports represented athe the summer games, and one of the dominant Americans in that particular area was Baltimore's Michael Phelps. He didn't quite tie Mark Spitz's record seven gold, but he did leave Athens with eight total medals.

As far as team water sports go, the hardest has to be water polo. It's a brutal contest, with kicking, slugging, broken noses, near-drownings, and--worst of all--wedgies.

And isn't that really what the Olympics are all about?

Terror Alert
Actress Bea Arthur was stopped at Boston's Logan Airport when a pocket knife was discovered in her handbag. The offending weapon was confiscated by Transportation Security Administration officials.

This comes on the heels of a report that Al Qaeda operatives may be disguising themselves as the Golden Girls.

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---------------Oliphant

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

As much as I hate to say it, I have to admit to admiring Dick Cheney for saying he's opposed to an amendment prohibiting gay marriages. Instead, said the Vice President, the matter should be left up to the individual states. WOW!! It took balls to stand up to the religious right which has taken over the Republican party.

For years I considered myself a Republican. And the reason was simple: They were the party which stood for less government. That's why I supported Reagan in 1976 when he ran for the nomination (though I ended up having to settle for a Ford), and why I actually voted for him in both 1980 and 1984. He was out to tame the Federal government, and return power to the states.

But in the last dozen years or so, the GOP has been corrupted by the evangelical wackos which have infiltrated the party. Bush's proposal to ban gay marriages with a constitutional amendment is but one example of this. His repeated opposition to loosening the restrictions on Federal funding for stem cell research is another. And whatever your personal views on abortion may be, it isn't the government's job to tell you that you can't have one. The government--or George Bush--has no right to impose someone else's religious standards on the entire population. In fact, isn't that why we overthrew the Taliban?

Jeb Bush's intervention in the Terry Schiavo case is another example of the religious fervor which has gripped the party. That situation was an unfortunate tragedy, and it should have been left to the family to work it out among themselves. The state of Florida had no business getting involved in the matter. And back in 1998, then Governor James Gilmore (also a Republican) did the same thing in Virginia in a similar situation.

So bravo to Dick Cheney for remembering what the Republican party used to stand for.... Though I'm still not voting for him.

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Kreme Me, Baby
For years I have been a fan of Krispy Kreme Donuts. However, despite living in the most powerful city in the world, DC area residents had limited opportunities to partake in its sumptuous mouth watering concoctions. There was only one location in suburban Maryland, and another in suburban Virginia. The Virginia one--in Alexandria--was the one I would occasionally visit, usually whenever my weight would dip below 250.

All that changed today with the opening of a store in Washington itself, near the tony Dupont Circle neighborhood. While even less convenient for me than one in Alexandria, it nonetheless proved worthy of a visit: They were offering a single free donut to every customer today as a grand opening special. Needless to say, I was down there early this morning for the freebie.

Then I went home, changed clothes, put on a hat, and went back for a second donut. Afterwards I went back home again, changed, and put on sunglasses. Since I live some 50 miles outside of DC, this running back and forth was proved to be quite time consuming, and it cost me about $70 in gas.

On the other hand, I did get five free donuts, so it was worth it!

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---------------Tuan, via Email

Just Invite Everyone in the Phone Book

Jennifer Lopez is reportedly thinking about having all her ex boyfriends and ex husbands get together for dinner so they can all "clear the air." Her concern is that if she's out with her current husband, Marc Anthony, and they bump into an old flame of hers, things might get a little awkward.

So where is she going to hold this get-together? Madison Square Garden?

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More on Swift Boatgate
Hopefully this will be the last entry about Kerry's war record for a while....

The Washington Post today came out with a rather extensive article on the matter. It explores both sides of the issue, and I suppose everyone can find something in it to further support their own position. The bottom line is that while Kerry may not be able to prove beyond a doubt his version of what happened 35 years ago, neither can the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth prove that he's lying. There are also serious questions about the group's funding sources.

I can only conclude that Kerry would have been better off if he had simply transfered to the Alabama National Guard and then lost his payroll records.

Politics As Usual

A few weeks ago a lot was made of a TV AD by an anti-Kerry group of veterans calling themselves Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. In the commercial, they essentially called John Kerry a liar. The group's leading critic was a fellow swift boat skipper named Larry Thurlow. According to him, Kerry had lied about coming under fire during a mission which earned the Senator a Bronze Star. Thurlow said he commanded another swift boat in the group, and there was no hostile fire taken by any of them. He appeared in numerous interviews and even wrote a book further touting this claim.

One small problem: Thurlow himself earned a Bronze Star on the very same mission for taking "enemy small arms and automatic weapons fire."

Hmmmm.... To put it politely, Mr. Thurlow appears to have a wee bit of a credibility problem.

Or to put it bluntly, Mr. Thurlow is a lying sack of crap.

I personally don't know what the truth is. I wasn't there on March 13, 1969. I was down in the principal's office for tying Peggy Litton's pigtails into a knot.

But one thing there is no dispute about is that John Kerry volunteered to serve in Vietnam, and earned himself three Purple Hearts in the process. I don't particularly care whether they were awarded for life threatening wounds, or for paper cuts. The indisputable fact remains that Kerry shed more blood in Vietnam on any one of those occasions than George W. Bush did during the entire ten years of the conflict.

The Bush camp has denied being behind Thurlow's group and has said they will not question Kerry's war record. They need to stick to that pledge, for their own man doesn't have as much as a fig leaf to hide behind when it comes to Vietnam.

Q--What do Ralph Nader and an Olympic sprinter have in common?

A--They both run only once every four years.

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

Sing It, Baby
The producers of the next American Idol show will be in town this Wednesday to conduct auditions. People with no lives have already begun lining up outside the DC Convention Center for a chance to be the next William Hung. What a bunch of idiots!! Don't these morons have anything better to do than humiliate themselves on national TV!?!

Anyway, if anyone needs me, I'm number 23 in line.

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Mike Wallace: Respected Reporter or Unruly Thug?
Senior 60 Minutes correspondent Mike Wallace had an interesting run-in with the law last week. Before all was said and done, Wallace found himself handcuffed and taken to a police station.

The incident began when the veteran reporter came out of a restaurant and saw his limo driver being questioned by two inspectors. Evidently the vehicle was double parked, which is a no-no. Wallace intervened on behalf of his driver, and allegedly became "combative." The situation came to a head when the 86 year old Wallace supposedly "lunged" at one of the inspectors.

Now I don't know what happened. I wasn't there. But I honestly can't foresee any circumstance in which I would admit that an 86 year old man almost beat me up.

That's almost bad as being stripped naked while a 5'3" inch girl drags you around the floor at the end of a leash.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

So Who's Gonna Tell Minnie?
In a stunning revelation, Micky Mouse has announced he is resigning from Disney because he's fucking Goofy.

Storm's A-Comin'
Charley has certainly made a mess of things in Florida. I suspect the high death toll will result in a lot of finger pointing over the forecast. The storm had been expected to hit further almost 100 miles to the north as Category 2 hurricane. Charley, proving once again that we human really aren't smarter than Mother Nature, turned and strengthened a mere two hours before making landfall.

The storm knocked out power to hundreds of thousands of people, and even severely damaged a number of hospitals and storm shelters. Among the odder deaths, a man in Fort Meyer stepped outside his house to smoke a cigarette and a tree fell on him, furthering proving that smoking will kill you.

But Charley isn't done yet. After crossing over the Florida peninsula, he reentered the open waters of the Atlantic and turned north, restrengthening in the process. One of the Carolinas is likely to take the next punch. Later tonight the center of Charley is expected to come up along the Chesapeake Bay into Virginia and Maryland. Consequently Tropical storm warnings are up throughout the DC and Baltimore areas. However, nothing along the line of Isabel is expected.

I'm already making serious preparations myself. I decided to splurge and buy a six pack of Moosehead, and later this afternoon I'll set up my lawn chair and grill on the roof of my mobile home.

Fire Up the Grill
TV cooking show host Julia Childs has died at the age of 91.

No word yet on whether the family will have her buried, cremated, or sauteed.

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---------------Wiley, Non Sequitor

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Blowjobs
Florida has suffered a meteorological double whammy over the last two days. Yesterday the state's northwestern panhandle was hit by Tropical Storm Bonnie. And while that storm may have been milder than initially feared, Hurricane Charley has proven itself to be far more serious than expected.

This morning dawned with the storm at a category 2 level, and some forecasters said it might strengthen to a category 3. Instead Charley flipped everyone off and went straight to category 4 status without passing go, and without collecting $200. This has raised two immediate questions: 1) Will damage be more than or less than $20 billion, and 2) How many of the idiots who decided to ignore the evacuation orders by staying behind and throwing a hurricane party died?

And while it's still too early to tell for sure, it is feared that the two storms have done serious damage to Florida's prized hanging chad crop. It is not immediately clear what effect, if any, a reduced harvest will have on this November's Presidential election.

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---------------Boondocks, Aaron Magruder

Pass the Quackers
In a stunning development, the governor of New Jersey has resigned after announcing he is gay. It wasn't that in and of itself that led to his decision, but rather a pending harassment lawsuit and the fact that he "engaged in adult consensual affairs with another man, which violates my bonds of matrimony."

I fail to see how that's the case. After all, when a man gets married he vows to forsake all other women. But his affair was with a man, so what's the big deal? Technically speaking, he did not violate his marital vows.

It's like that Jack Ryan guy in Illinois who withdrew from the senate race because of a sex scandal. But really, what was the sex scandal? No one accused him of having a relationship with another woman--or another man, for that matter. The sole accusation against him was that he wanted to have sex with his wife! And isn't that exactly what a loving marriage is all about, the devotion between two adults to one another?

Granted, he wanted to have that sex with his wife while in a steel cage suspended over an audience of several hundred onlookers, but still, it was sex with his wife.

Geez.... All this talk about sex has gotten me all horny.

Where's my duck?

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---------------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Batter Up
A number of minor league ballparks, as part of a recent promotion, offered fans a chance to vote for the presidential candidate of their choice by picking a bobble head doll. A similar number of George W. Bush bobble heads and John Kerry bobble heads were made available to ticket holders.

Ralph Nader won.

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Lugosi's Def Jam Poetry

My Bonnie lies over the ocean;
My Bonnie lies over the sea;
My Bonnie lies over the Gulf of Mexico;
My Bonnie is packing sustained winds of 45mph and headed for the coast of Florida.

Circles
George W. Bush made a campaign appearance yesterday at Northern Virginia Community College just outside DC yesterday. He said that "We've turned the corner on the economy... We've turned the corner on education... We've turned the corner on Iraq... And we've turned the corner on Iraq."

Hmmm... That adds up to four corners, which means we're right back to where we started from!

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Time to Bury Your Head in the Sand
Ah, now here's an encouraging tale of vigilance out of Las Vegas....

Terror investigators in 2002 obtained surveillance videos of several hotels and casinos taken by Al Qaeda operatives, indicating that some sort of attack was being planned. When the information was presented to city officials, the mayor said he was concerned about the "deleterious effect on the Las Vegas tourism industry" should this information become public.

Say, was this guy once the mayor of that little town in Jaws?

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---------------Robert Ariail, The State, Columbia SC

August? Feels More Like October
A lot of people make jokes about Canada, and I must confess that I am among them. But in all partial seriousness, there are three things I love about our northern neighbors:

1) Molson Ale.
2) Moosehead beer.
3) Their air masses.

Summers in DC can be downright brutally hot and humid. And while the season as a whole thus far has not been as bad as some in the past, it still has been no picnic.

However, Thursday night one of those masses of cold Canadian air snuck in here and cooled things off to near record low levels. Indeed, yesterday morning's low at Reagan National tied the record at 58 degrees Fahrenheit (That's, um, like minus 57 in Celsius, I think). But even that is somewhat deceptive since that airport sits right along the Potomac River. That often tends to moderate the temperature readings somewhat (yet it's the official National Weather Service recording station for DC). In contrast, Dulles--which is some 30 miles away--hit 52. That's unheard of in August, and is a welcome relief for everyone's armpits.

Even the daytime highs on Friday and yesterday were in the low 70's. Quite frankly, there are times in August around here we feel fortunate to get into the low '70's at night.

Alas, the party is just about over. Today is supposed to be about 83, and we'll be hitting 90 again by Tuesday.

But for now I'll savor our good fortune of the last two days by toasting Mother Nature with a cold bottle of Bud.

What, are you nuts? I can't afford Moosehead or Molson!