---------------Michael Ramirez, LA Times

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Tick Tock
A few days ago, I added a new feature. It's a countdown clock showing the number of days till A) The election and B) The announcement of the death or capture of Osama bin Laden (it's on the left, betwixt the weather and the terror alert color). Call me a cynic, but I strongly believe--along with many other wacko conspiracy theorists out there--that this announcement will come in October, thereby assuring President Bush's reelection. Of course, IF this does come to pass, I'm sure it will be nothing more than a wild coincidence....

That's why I REALLY went out on a limb and picked October 29, the very last Friday before election day. That way the American public will have all weekend to rejoice in this great accomplishment.

Just another of Lugosi's wild, crazy ideas, eh? Perhaps not!!

Yesterday, a US State Department official said that bin Laden should be checking his watch, because the clock is ticking.

Of course, I am the first to admit that not only is predicting bin Laden's capture/demise before Nov. 2 a longshot, but that specifying the actual date borders perilously close to full scale, unadulterated madness.

That's why IF this actually happens on October 29, I will personally shit a brick.

And you're all cordially invited to bring your cameras and record the act for posterity's sake.

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---------------Michael Ramirez, LA Times

Mother Nature's Fury
I'm certain that when Frances finally strikes Florida, the results will be absolutely devastating. Billions of dollars of damage will occur, millions of people will be left without power, tens of thousands of them will lose their homes, countless families will be torn asunder, and invariably many will die. But the horrors of Hurricane Frances are certain to be felt far beyond the borders of Florida. Indeed, I am experiencing them in a very real and personal way myself.

Earlier today someone from Adelphia Cable came out to install my DVR (essentially a generic TiVo). He got everything hooked up and then called his office to get the unit activated. Well, actually, he had to call the Adelphia office in a neighboring county because the local one here in Warrenton (Whoops--Did I just reveal where I live?) is closed on weekends. But for some reason, they couldn't get the "codes" to work. Apparently the fact that two different counties are involved was creating a problem, and the person who would know how to get around it was off for the three day weekend. So his boss suggested he call their 888 number and have customer service do it.

So the technician calls, and guess what? He gets a recording, and NOT the one that says "We value you as a customer so we're going to make you wait for an indeterminate period of time until you get so frustrated that you begin screaming obscenities and smash the phone with a sledgehammer."

No, this recording explained that Adelphia's call center in Florida is closed because of the hurricane!

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

On the other hand, I suppose I should be glad that their call center isn't located some place like Kuala Lumpur.

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---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Time to Move On...? Nah.
Smooshie left a comment on the Sept. 1 post saying:

I think it is very wrong for people to do the whole "band-aid joke". However, what do you expect people to talk about when all they have heard from Kerry is his Vietnam record? I'm sick of it all! Who cares if he did or didn't deserve the Purple Heart... He was there. Enough said. Can we move onto something that wasn't 30 years ago?

Speaking for myself, no, I am most certainly NOT prepared to move on. In fact, I feel that there are some serious, unresolved issues about the French & Indian War that need to be addressed. For example, did you know that on July 3, 1753, George Washington and his men surrendered to the French? The freaking FRENCH, for crying out loud!!! How insulting is THAT?!?

The man is not fit to be President, much less help create a country.

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

A New Low
Just when I think the Republican party can't possibly sink any lower, it goes and proves me wrong. Their latest stunt is despicable almost beyond words.

Some delegates at the convention have begun sporting a purple heart band-aid, the implication being that a minor cut can lead to the award.

Never mind the fact that John Kerry volunteered to go to Vietnam while Bush weaseled his way into a Texas National Guard unit. And never mind that while Kerry was getting his ass shot at in Vietnam, Bush was busy disappearing from the Alabama National Guard unit to which he had transferred.

Here's a point to ponder: People who knew Kerry in Vietnam have been coming out of the woodwork, arguing back and forth about his war record. Okay, fine, but at least the man has a war record.

Yet not a single person recalls seeing George W. Bush during his time with the Alabama Guard unit? How can that be?

---------------Oliphant

I understand the argument that once Kerry chose to rely so heavily on his Vietnam experience, it became fair game. But if the Republicans are going to start making snide comments about Kerry's past valor, then it's only fair that the Democrats should start talking about George W. Bush's 1976 DUI arrest. Oh, but let's not stop there! Let's go even lower and make jokes about the time in 1963 17 year old Laura Bush ran a stop sign and killed another student.

Guess Where I'm Going
Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" was released on DVD today, and it's proving to be a big seller. Unfortunately it's also generating a lot complaints.

Many people are finding themselves unable to watch it because the hole in the middle keeps healing itself.

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Damn Foreigners
So I wake up this past Sunday morning, and one of the first things I hear on the news is that Tropical Storm Gaston is pounding South Carolina with 70 mph winds. And my immediate reaction is to almost choke on my Pop Tart (Frosted strawberry)(Thanks for asking).

Now I like to think that I keep up with current events and breaking news. So to suddenly hear about some near-hurricane that seemingly came out of nowhere took me very much by surprise. For example, professional meteorologists were warning us about Bonnie and Charley almost a week in advance. And even now, they're already predicting death and destruction from hurricane Francis even though it's still at least five days away from making landfall.

So to repeat: How did Gaston sneak up on us like this? Did it suddenly just pop up out of the ocean, yell "Boo!!" and start tearing up trailer parks? Shouldn't the Bush Administration have been protecting us?

More importantly, what the hell kind of name is "Gaston?" Is that a boy's name or a girl's? And what nationality is it? I'm betting no natural born citizens of South Carolina are named Gaston. In fact, if you ask me, it sounds kind of... FRENCH!!!

All day yesterday, the weather people were predicting that Gaston's remnants would come through DC. One to three inches of rain, they said. In fact, that's what the forecast was in Richmond, VA as well: one to three inches.

Well, as it turned out, we didn't get ANY rain near DC. Not a drop. And the same thing happened with both Bonnie and Charley a couple of weeks ago. Both storms were supposed to come through DC and wreak havoc with massive amounts of rain. And in both cases, we got squat as both of them went off to our east.

On the other hand, poor Richmond--about 100 miles south of here--got soaked with over a foot of rain yesterday afternoon and evening (Survivors' stories). Some of the pictures coming out of the downtown area were absolutely amazing, with cars floating merrily down the middle of normally busy thoroughfares. Many people ended up spending the night at work when the sudden, completely unexpected deluge turned the streets into major tributaries of the James River.

Good thing these meteorologists weren't responsible for forecasting the presence of WMD's in Iraq.... Then again, perhaps they were.

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---------------Michael Ramirez, Los Angeles Times

Cheapskate Celebrities
Actor Matt Damon's 70 year old uncle has become the oldest person to ever swim the English Channel. He accomplished the grueling 21 mile trek in just under 16 hours.

It's a crying shame, isn't it? Damon is a world famous actor who literally makes millions of dollars per movie, yet he's not willing to buy his elderly relatives a damn boat.

Olympic Wrap Up
Well, the Olympics have officially ended, and the question on everyone's mind is: "What the hell happened to the men's basketball team?" I mean, seriously, if there is one single sport on the face of this planet in which we should have won a gold medal, it's freakin' men's basketball!! We invented the game, for cryin' out loud, and the players representing our nation were all professional NBA players! So how the hell could we have possibly lost.... To Lithuania, Argentina, and Puerto Rico no less!!! Granted, we did beat Lithuania the second time 104-96, but even that was a come from behind victory.

On the other hand, their terrible performance should put to rest for once and all the narrow-minded bigoted notion that blacks are somehow more athletic. After all, the American players were all African-American, and they were getting their asses kicked by white people..

Could it be that foreign white people are superior to American white people, and in better overall physical shape? Then again, that's a ridiculous thought with absolutely no basis whatsoever in reality.

Uh-oh.... I just realized I'm almost out of Twinkies.

Thankfully, the women's basketball won gold, and rather impressively at that. Here's a suggestion: Have the American women play the American men. Personally, I wouldn't bet against the women.

But enough about basketball. And for that matter, forget not only all the other Olympic sports but football and baseball as well, for I have a NEW favorite sport: Women's volleyball. Well, more specifically, women's beach volleyball. There's way too much clothing involved in the indoor version. Of course, it's appeal to me is strictly based on nothing more than the sheer athleticism and skill of the players.

Right.

And with any luck, I'll be able to stand up by tomorrow.

There is a men's beach volleyball as well, but quite frankly, who gives a rat's patootie? Well, unless you're the governor of New Jersey, in which case it would probably appeal to you.

Then there are the women shot putters and discus throwers. And if there's a scarier bunch of chicks on Earth, I don't EVER want to know who they are.

There are a lot of water sports represented athe the summer games, and one of the dominant Americans in that particular area was Baltimore's Michael Phelps. He didn't quite tie Mark Spitz's record seven gold, but he did leave Athens with eight total medals.

As far as team water sports go, the hardest has to be water polo. It's a brutal contest, with kicking, slugging, broken noses, near-drownings, and--worst of all--wedgies.

And isn't that really what the Olympics are all about?

Terror Alert
Actress Bea Arthur was stopped at Boston's Logan Airport when a pocket knife was discovered in her handbag. The offending weapon was confiscated by Transportation Security Administration officials.

This comes on the heels of a report that Al Qaeda operatives may be disguising themselves as the Golden Girls.

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---------------Oliphant

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

As much as I hate to say it, I have to admit to admiring Dick Cheney for saying he's opposed to an amendment prohibiting gay marriages. Instead, said the Vice President, the matter should be left up to the individual states. WOW!! It took balls to stand up to the religious right which has taken over the Republican party.

For years I considered myself a Republican. And the reason was simple: They were the party which stood for less government. That's why I supported Reagan in 1976 when he ran for the nomination (though I ended up having to settle for a Ford), and why I actually voted for him in both 1980 and 1984. He was out to tame the Federal government, and return power to the states.

But in the last dozen years or so, the GOP has been corrupted by the evangelical wackos which have infiltrated the party. Bush's proposal to ban gay marriages with a constitutional amendment is but one example of this. His repeated opposition to loosening the restrictions on Federal funding for stem cell research is another. And whatever your personal views on abortion may be, it isn't the government's job to tell you that you can't have one. The government--or George Bush--has no right to impose someone else's religious standards on the entire population. In fact, isn't that why we overthrew the Taliban?

Jeb Bush's intervention in the Terry Schiavo case is another example of the religious fervor which has gripped the party. That situation was an unfortunate tragedy, and it should have been left to the family to work it out among themselves. The state of Florida had no business getting involved in the matter. And back in 1998, then Governor James Gilmore (also a Republican) did the same thing in Virginia in a similar situation.

So bravo to Dick Cheney for remembering what the Republican party used to stand for.... Though I'm still not voting for him.

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Kreme Me, Baby
For years I have been a fan of Krispy Kreme Donuts. However, despite living in the most powerful city in the world, DC area residents had limited opportunities to partake in its sumptuous mouth watering concoctions. There was only one location in suburban Maryland, and another in suburban Virginia. The Virginia one--in Alexandria--was the one I would occasionally visit, usually whenever my weight would dip below 250.

All that changed today with the opening of a store in Washington itself, near the tony Dupont Circle neighborhood. While even less convenient for me than one in Alexandria, it nonetheless proved worthy of a visit: They were offering a single free donut to every customer today as a grand opening special. Needless to say, I was down there early this morning for the freebie.

Then I went home, changed clothes, put on a hat, and went back for a second donut. Afterwards I went back home again, changed, and put on sunglasses. Since I live some 50 miles outside of DC, this running back and forth was proved to be quite time consuming, and it cost me about $70 in gas.

On the other hand, I did get five free donuts, so it was worth it!

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---------------Tuan, via Email

Just Invite Everyone in the Phone Book

Jennifer Lopez is reportedly thinking about having all her ex boyfriends and ex husbands get together for dinner so they can all "clear the air." Her concern is that if she's out with her current husband, Marc Anthony, and they bump into an old flame of hers, things might get a little awkward.

So where is she going to hold this get-together? Madison Square Garden?

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More on Swift Boatgate
Hopefully this will be the last entry about Kerry's war record for a while....

The Washington Post today came out with a rather extensive article on the matter. It explores both sides of the issue, and I suppose everyone can find something in it to further support their own position. The bottom line is that while Kerry may not be able to prove beyond a doubt his version of what happened 35 years ago, neither can the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth prove that he's lying. There are also serious questions about the group's funding sources.

I can only conclude that Kerry would have been better off if he had simply transfered to the Alabama National Guard and then lost his payroll records.

Politics As Usual

A few weeks ago a lot was made of a TV AD by an anti-Kerry group of veterans calling themselves Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. In the commercial, they essentially called John Kerry a liar. The group's leading critic was a fellow swift boat skipper named Larry Thurlow. According to him, Kerry had lied about coming under fire during a mission which earned the Senator a Bronze Star. Thurlow said he commanded another swift boat in the group, and there was no hostile fire taken by any of them. He appeared in numerous interviews and even wrote a book further touting this claim.

One small problem: Thurlow himself earned a Bronze Star on the very same mission for taking "enemy small arms and automatic weapons fire."

Hmmmm.... To put it politely, Mr. Thurlow appears to have a wee bit of a credibility problem.

Or to put it bluntly, Mr. Thurlow is a lying sack of crap.

I personally don't know what the truth is. I wasn't there on March 13, 1969. I was down in the principal's office for tying Peggy Litton's pigtails into a knot.

But one thing there is no dispute about is that John Kerry volunteered to serve in Vietnam, and earned himself three Purple Hearts in the process. I don't particularly care whether they were awarded for life threatening wounds, or for paper cuts. The indisputable fact remains that Kerry shed more blood in Vietnam on any one of those occasions than George W. Bush did during the entire ten years of the conflict.

The Bush camp has denied being behind Thurlow's group and has said they will not question Kerry's war record. They need to stick to that pledge, for their own man doesn't have as much as a fig leaf to hide behind when it comes to Vietnam.

Q--What do Ralph Nader and an Olympic sprinter have in common?

A--They both run only once every four years.

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

Sing It, Baby
The producers of the next American Idol show will be in town this Wednesday to conduct auditions. People with no lives have already begun lining up outside the DC Convention Center for a chance to be the next William Hung. What a bunch of idiots!! Don't these morons have anything better to do than humiliate themselves on national TV!?!

Anyway, if anyone needs me, I'm number 23 in line.

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Mike Wallace: Respected Reporter or Unruly Thug?
Senior 60 Minutes correspondent Mike Wallace had an interesting run-in with the law last week. Before all was said and done, Wallace found himself handcuffed and taken to a police station.

The incident began when the veteran reporter came out of a restaurant and saw his limo driver being questioned by two inspectors. Evidently the vehicle was double parked, which is a no-no. Wallace intervened on behalf of his driver, and allegedly became "combative." The situation came to a head when the 86 year old Wallace supposedly "lunged" at one of the inspectors.

Now I don't know what happened. I wasn't there. But I honestly can't foresee any circumstance in which I would admit that an 86 year old man almost beat me up.

That's almost bad as being stripped naked while a 5'3" inch girl drags you around the floor at the end of a leash.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

So Who's Gonna Tell Minnie?
In a stunning revelation, Micky Mouse has announced he is resigning from Disney because he's fucking Goofy.

Storm's A-Comin'
Charley has certainly made a mess of things in Florida. I suspect the high death toll will result in a lot of finger pointing over the forecast. The storm had been expected to hit further almost 100 miles to the north as Category 2 hurricane. Charley, proving once again that we human really aren't smarter than Mother Nature, turned and strengthened a mere two hours before making landfall.

The storm knocked out power to hundreds of thousands of people, and even severely damaged a number of hospitals and storm shelters. Among the odder deaths, a man in Fort Meyer stepped outside his house to smoke a cigarette and a tree fell on him, furthering proving that smoking will kill you.

But Charley isn't done yet. After crossing over the Florida peninsula, he reentered the open waters of the Atlantic and turned north, restrengthening in the process. One of the Carolinas is likely to take the next punch. Later tonight the center of Charley is expected to come up along the Chesapeake Bay into Virginia and Maryland. Consequently Tropical storm warnings are up throughout the DC and Baltimore areas. However, nothing along the line of Isabel is expected.

I'm already making serious preparations myself. I decided to splurge and buy a six pack of Moosehead, and later this afternoon I'll set up my lawn chair and grill on the roof of my mobile home.

Fire Up the Grill
TV cooking show host Julia Childs has died at the age of 91.

No word yet on whether the family will have her buried, cremated, or sauteed.

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---------------Wiley, Non Sequitor

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Blowjobs
Florida has suffered a meteorological double whammy over the last two days. Yesterday the state's northwestern panhandle was hit by Tropical Storm Bonnie. And while that storm may have been milder than initially feared, Hurricane Charley has proven itself to be far more serious than expected.

This morning dawned with the storm at a category 2 level, and some forecasters said it might strengthen to a category 3. Instead Charley flipped everyone off and went straight to category 4 status without passing go, and without collecting $200. This has raised two immediate questions: 1) Will damage be more than or less than $20 billion, and 2) How many of the idiots who decided to ignore the evacuation orders by staying behind and throwing a hurricane party died?

And while it's still too early to tell for sure, it is feared that the two storms have done serious damage to Florida's prized hanging chad crop. It is not immediately clear what effect, if any, a reduced harvest will have on this November's Presidential election.

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---------------Boondocks, Aaron Magruder

Pass the Quackers
In a stunning development, the governor of New Jersey has resigned after announcing he is gay. It wasn't that in and of itself that led to his decision, but rather a pending harassment lawsuit and the fact that he "engaged in adult consensual affairs with another man, which violates my bonds of matrimony."

I fail to see how that's the case. After all, when a man gets married he vows to forsake all other women. But his affair was with a man, so what's the big deal? Technically speaking, he did not violate his marital vows.

It's like that Jack Ryan guy in Illinois who withdrew from the senate race because of a sex scandal. But really, what was the sex scandal? No one accused him of having a relationship with another woman--or another man, for that matter. The sole accusation against him was that he wanted to have sex with his wife! And isn't that exactly what a loving marriage is all about, the devotion between two adults to one another?

Granted, he wanted to have that sex with his wife while in a steel cage suspended over an audience of several hundred onlookers, but still, it was sex with his wife.

Geez.... All this talk about sex has gotten me all horny.

Where's my duck?

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---------------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Batter Up
A number of minor league ballparks, as part of a recent promotion, offered fans a chance to vote for the presidential candidate of their choice by picking a bobble head doll. A similar number of George W. Bush bobble heads and John Kerry bobble heads were made available to ticket holders.

Ralph Nader won.

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Lugosi's Def Jam Poetry

My Bonnie lies over the ocean;
My Bonnie lies over the sea;
My Bonnie lies over the Gulf of Mexico;
My Bonnie is packing sustained winds of 45mph and headed for the coast of Florida.

Circles
George W. Bush made a campaign appearance yesterday at Northern Virginia Community College just outside DC yesterday. He said that "We've turned the corner on the economy... We've turned the corner on education... We've turned the corner on Iraq... And we've turned the corner on Iraq."

Hmmm... That adds up to four corners, which means we're right back to where we started from!

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Time to Bury Your Head in the Sand
Ah, now here's an encouraging tale of vigilance out of Las Vegas....

Terror investigators in 2002 obtained surveillance videos of several hotels and casinos taken by Al Qaeda operatives, indicating that some sort of attack was being planned. When the information was presented to city officials, the mayor said he was concerned about the "deleterious effect on the Las Vegas tourism industry" should this information become public.

Say, was this guy once the mayor of that little town in Jaws?

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---------------Robert Ariail, The State, Columbia SC

August? Feels More Like October
A lot of people make jokes about Canada, and I must confess that I am among them. But in all partial seriousness, there are three things I love about our northern neighbors:

1) Molson Ale.
2) Moosehead beer.
3) Their air masses.

Summers in DC can be downright brutally hot and humid. And while the season as a whole thus far has not been as bad as some in the past, it still has been no picnic.

However, Thursday night one of those masses of cold Canadian air snuck in here and cooled things off to near record low levels. Indeed, yesterday morning's low at Reagan National tied the record at 58 degrees Fahrenheit (That's, um, like minus 57 in Celsius, I think). But even that is somewhat deceptive since that airport sits right along the Potomac River. That often tends to moderate the temperature readings somewhat (yet it's the official National Weather Service recording station for DC). In contrast, Dulles--which is some 30 miles away--hit 52. That's unheard of in August, and is a welcome relief for everyone's armpits.

Even the daytime highs on Friday and yesterday were in the low 70's. Quite frankly, there are times in August around here we feel fortunate to get into the low '70's at night.

Alas, the party is just about over. Today is supposed to be about 83, and we'll be hitting 90 again by Tuesday.

But for now I'll savor our good fortune of the last two days by toasting Mother Nature with a cold bottle of Bud.

What, are you nuts? I can't afford Moosehead or Molson!

My, What a Big Missile You Have, Grandma
Well, it has certainly been a busy week for those in the growing terror services industry. The fun started last Sunday with the sudden announcement of a Code Orange alert, which may or may not have been based on intelligence dating back to the days of the Holy Roman Empire. Then later in the week we saw the reopening of the Statue of Liberty even as those who would destroy us were being rounded up by authorities here, in Britain, and in Pakistan.

---------------Walt handelsman, Newsday

The arrests in Albany, NY were perhaps the oddest. In that particular incident, the leader of a local mosque was one of two individuals charged with money laundering. The two thought they were helping someone buy a shoulder fired missile launcher as part of a plot to assassinate a Pakistani diplomat. Unfortunately for them, the whole thing turned out to be a sting operation staged by the FBI.

This is truly disturbing news. I mean, what's this world coming to when you can't trust the FBI?

And where the hell does one buy shoulder fired missile launchers anyway? Does Wal-Mart sell those things? Or Target? Should one try pawn shops instead? Are they cheaper by the dozen at Costco?

In the meantime, various members of the Islamic community continue to insist that they are being unfairly singled out for investigations. Islam is a peaceful religion, they insist. It's no different from any other faith. Well, if that's true, how come we never hear about Presbyterian suicide bombers, militant Methodist hijackers, or Southern Baptists beheading hostages? It's probably just that the Zionist controlled news media is suppressing that other stuff.

True story: This morning on the radio I heard an interview with an Ibrahim Hooper of the Council on American-Islamic Relations. It was a major exercise in nuance. Remember Bill Clinton's argument about what the definition of "is" is? Well, Hooper put Clinton to shame. This guy was arguing that the two men in Albany did nothing wrong, that they're merely victims of an overzealous FBI sting operation, and that they themselves were not guilty of any actual terrorist acts.

Yeah, right. It's all just a wacky misunderstanding over a shoulder fired missile launcher, like what happened to Lucy Ricardo once. Or maybe it was just intended as a Bar Mitzvah gift for some Jewish kid.

Does Hooper have any idea how much damage he's doing to the perception of Muslims with his continued equivocating? Hell, if you take his argument to its logical conclusion, then the 9/11 hijackers didn't really break any laws till they actually entered the cockpits. Good thing they weren't arrested ahead of time because of unfair ethnic profiling!

We certainly can't be having any of that!!

The 2004 Mercury

NASA has successfully launched the Messenger spacecraft which will study our solar system's innermost planet. The last flyby of Mercury was done by Mariner 10 back in the 70's, and data from that mission ended up raising more questions than it answered. By the time Messenger's work is done, scientists hope to learn why Mercury is so unusually dense, why it has such a strong magnetic field, whether there is water in the shaded region's of the planet's poles, and if there are any hidden weapons of mass destruction present. Needless to say, France is vehemently opposed to the mission.

Despite Mercury's relative proximity, the spacecraft won't be arriving at its destination until 2011. Due to reasons having to do with weight and fuel storage, Messenger will perform a number of flybys of massive celestial objects. These manuevers will in turn harness the powerful gravitational fields of Earth, Venus, Mercury, and Michael Moore to first speed up the ship and then slow it down before finally allowing it to slip into orbit.

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Polishing More Than an Apple
Mary Kay Letourneau, the teacher who spent over seven years in prison for having sex with a 12 year old student, has been released from prison.

Seven years? That's it? This woman is a proven sexual predator and makes absolutely no apologies for her disgusting actions. It is obvious she can't be trusted, and yet she is now free to roam the streets.

But what bothers me most about this case is that there weren't any teachers like her around when I was growing up.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

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Celebrate Freedom....
Provided You've Gone Through the Metal Detector
The Statue of Liberty--or at least the pedestal--reopened today under tight security. This proud symbol of America's freedom had been closed since the 9/11 attacks three years ago. Among the various dignitaries on hand was New York mayor Michael Bloomberg. He sought to encourage visitors to come to the Big Apple by saying "To stay home and lock our doors is what the terrorists want."

I agree that hiding behind locked doors is no way to live. But is hiding behind jersey barriers, heavily armed guards, and bomb sniffing dogs any better?

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Pass the Dip
Mexico's Attorney General and a number of his top officials have been fitted with tiny chips to serve as identification devices. It gives "tagged" individuals access to sensitive and restricted areas. In the future, the tiny implants may even be used to track a person's location should they be kidnapped.

The chips are currently available in nacho cheese and tortilla flavors, with sour cream & onion coming in the near future.

Code Orange
Here's a silly question: If you're a terrorist driving a truck filled with explosives, and you discover that your target has been placed on high alert, what's to keep you from simply finding a different target? In other words, by giving too much detail with these terror alerts, aren't we merely steering the danger towards some other, less protected group of potential victims?

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Call me a cynic, but these highly publicized terror warnings are designed more to give the illusion that the government is doing something. In other words, it's a classic example of Cover Your Ass.

Our security would be better served if these things were kept low-key. If the authorities have solid intelligence, and they have a decent idea of what to look for, they should be allowed to their jobs and catch the bad guys. But if too much publicity causes them to abort their mission and slip underground again, all we have gained is a postponement of an attack. Meanwhile, when once again nothing happens, the public is lulled into a false sense of security.

---------------Jack Ohman, The Oregonian

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Is That a Cable Modem in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
You know how cable companies always tout their modem services as being "Always On"? Well, that may be true in the cases of Comcast, Cox, and Time-Warner, but it's certainly not so with Adelphia. Their motto should be "Mostly Down."

I guess that level of service is to be expected of a company who's founders are in jail.

So during the past week I've been repeatedly forced to access the internet through my cellphone, but that's so pathetically slow that I kept falling asleep between clicks of the mouse. Then by the time I would finally wake up two hours later, it was time to recharge the damn battery again. Additionally, the keyboard imprint on my forehead was rather unsightly.

Having said that, I must add that I obviously haven't learned my lesson. Why not? Well, because I've decided to subscribe their new Digital Video Recorder (DVR) service. That's right: Having three VCR's just isn't enough, so now I'm going to add yet another recording device. And all this timeshifting technology is for a person who still hasn't had a chance to watch the stack of 12 VHS tapes he recorded over the past TV season.

But as God is my witness, I vow to eventually find out how the last season of The Sopranos ended.

I have several friends with TiVo units, so I'm familiar with the technology and some of the advantages over standard VCR's. But since you need a conventional phoneline to subscribe to the service--something I don't have--I haven't bothered with it.

However, USAToday had an article the other day about TiVo and some of its up and coming rivals. It mentioned that some of the newer DVR units now available from cable companies have two tuners, thereby enabling you to simultaneously record two separate shows that you'll never have a chance to watch. After checking with Adelphia, it turns out that they do offer this new unit.

There is a downside, however. Between my regular service, plus HBO, the digital package, the cable modem, and the DVR rental, my new cable bill will be so high that I'll be forced to live out on the street. But what the hell--having a roof over your head is overrated.



P.S.
I'm going downtown today. Think I'll take the Metro and have a candy bar along the way.

See you in five to ten years.

Are You Going to Eat That?
The buzz around DC the last couple of days has NOT been about the Democratic national convention, or the 911 report, or the mounting death toll in Iraq, or the ongoing genocide in Sudan, or possible global warming, or the future of stem cell research, or future catastrophic terror attacks, or any other such trivial matter. No, the divisive issue that has people arguing around here is: Did the Metro Transit Police overeact when they arrested a woman for eating a candy bar in the subway?

Stephanie Willett was reminded by an officer that there is a no food or drink law on the rail system. She then stuffed the remaining portion of her candy bar into her mouth and said--and the lady freely admits this part--to the officer, "Why don't you go and take care of some real crime?" From there the accounts of ensuing events differ somewhat, but the bottom line is that she did end up being handcuffed and detained.

Now this may seem like a trivial matter, and I suppose it is to an extent. But the no food or drink law is CLEARLY posted in the stations and on the trains, and it has been since the system first opened 28 years ago. So unless Ms. Willett is claiming to be a functionally illiterate adult, and I fail to see what possible excuse she has.

This topic flares up every few years. Back in 2000 or so it popped up in the news when a 12 year old girl was arrested for eating french fries. And in that case as well, the violator decided that rather than comply with the law, let's mouth off to the cop who's only out there trying to their job.

For its part, Metro defends the rule as being a major part of keeping the system clean and sanitary.

The woman's defenders argue that the New York and Chicago transit systems don't prohibit food or drink. Well, okay, but that's not really the point, is it? An interstate highway allows motorists to drive 60 miles an hour, but that doesn't mean I can do the same in a residential neighborhood, does it? I've ridden the subway in both those cities, and quite frankly, they leave a lot to be desired in terms of cleanliness and odor control. I've also ridden our own Metro system countless times, and it's always been a pleasant experience. The stations and rail cars are always clean, and I don't have to contend with some fat slob splattering crap from his pastrami sub all over me. Most importantly, I don't have to worry about tripping over a rat on the station platform.

The Washington Post

Besides, it kinda looks like Ms. Willett should lay off the candy bars for a while.

---------------Oliphant

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Bad News for Microsoft
Microsoft is awash in billions of dollars of excess cash with no where to spend it. Consequently, the company has announced that it will pay out $75 billion in dividends to shareholders over the next four years.

Well, thank God they're not blowing that money on something stupid.... Like plugging all the damn holes in Windows.

---------------Robert Ariail, The State(Columbia, SC

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But 'Shove It' Where?
Needless to say, I must join in the world's outrage at Teresa Heinz Kerry's behavior. Here she is, a woman potentially in line to be First Lady, using language like--GASP!!!!--"shove it!!!! I may yet faint from having typed those horrid words....

The seriousness of this can not be overstated. Being First Lady is a position which carries tremendous responsibility since she'll be in charge of, um, organizing parties at the White House. Can a loose cannon such as her be trusted with such a sensitive task? I shudder to think about the danger such an unstable person poses to world peace.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

The only thing that could be even worse, even more offensive than telling a reporter to "shove it" would be, say, the Vice President telling a United States Senator to "f*ck off" on the floor of the Senate.

Then again, that's too ridiculous to even think about.

Bojinka

Time for a serious post. This would fall under the category of "More."

One conclusion that can be drawn from the final Report by the 9/11 Commission is that no one person was responsible. It wasn't Bush's fault, or Clinton's fault, or the CIA's, or the FBI's. Rather, it was a collective failure by virtually our entire government over the course of several years. In fact, out of all the dozens of individuals and agencies that had opportunities to thwart the attacks, there was only one group that came through in defense of our nation on that awful day: The crew and passengers of United Flight 93. While our own intelligence people failed, and the FAA dropped the ball, and our own Air Force planes flew off in the wrong direction, it was those 40 individuals that stepped up to the plate and acted to defend their country.

And if you listened to the various people that testified, as well as any number of other defenders of the government, the one theme that comes through was the whole idea of hijacked planes being used to destroy buildings was beyond anyone's imagination.

On the surface, that seems true enough.

Unfortunately, it was NOT an unheard of concept. And the story of Bojinka further amplifies the failures of our intelligence community.

It was January of 1995 when police and firefighters in Manila responded to reports of smoke billowing from an apartment. A suspicious police investigator eventually discovered that the apartment was being used to manufacture bombs. The plot--codenamed Operation Bojinka--was to blow up 11 commercial airliners in midflight over the Pacific. Had it not been foiled, an estimated 4000 people would have died.

The one terrorist that was arrested at the apartment, Abdul Hakim Murad, happened to be a trained pilot. And during his interrogation, Murad revealed that there was a phase two to the plan, and that was for him to fly an explosives laden Cessna into CIA headquarters. He also said that there was an additional list of targets to be hit by planes--Congress, the White House, the Pentagon, and some skyscrapers--once they had more trained pilots.

Granted, there's a bit of a difference between someone flying a Cessna into a building and hijacking a 767. But when you have groups of middle eastern men learning to fly airliners without bothering to study landings and takeoffs, coupled with what had happened in the Phillipines six years earlier, alarms should have gone off in someone's head.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

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Rescue Me
I don't usually do reviews unless I feel I have some sort of particularly useful, insightful, thought-provoking, worthwhile, and/or smartass comment to make, such as "Catwoman is a very good movie. My favorite part was the litterbox scene." But I haven't seen "Catwoman," I have no plans to see "Catwoman," I don't know if "Catwoman" even has a litterbox scene, so therefore I won't say a word about "Catwoman."

That said, the following is not so much a review (here's USAToday's review, however) as a recommendation: Watch FX's "Rescue Me."

So much of what is on regular network TV these days is crap, and "Rescue Me" only further demonstrates that the only reason it's still worth having a TV is because of cable. The show stars Denis Leary as Tommy Gavin, a firefighter in post 9/11 New York city. It's raw, edgy, and let's just say the language is realistic.

He's also an alcoholic with a marriage on the rocks. And if that's not enough, he's also coping with the occasional visits of dead comrades, or fire victims that he somehow failed to save over the years. The most memorable of the deceased visitors is Gavin's cousin Jimmy, one of four firefighters from that particular station killed at Ground Zero. In the opening scene, as Gavin berates a incoming class of firefighters, he mentions that the only remains of his cousin recovered consisted of a single finger. Consequently, whenever the "ghost" of Jimmy appears, he has a bandage where the missing digit used to be.

The show normally airs on Wednesday nights. FX is rerunning the first episode Sunday night at 11 (Eastern), Monday night at 10:30, and Tuesday at 11 PM.

Check it out if you get the chance.

Pedal Power
Lance Armstrong is now firmly in the lead of this year's Tour de France, and it would appear that the only thing that may stop him are disgruntled fans who want to take their anger at America out on him. Disturbing reports have surfaced that many of the spectators along the race route are jeering and even spitting on Armstrong.

Unusual, huh? I mean, the French have such a reputation for being polite, it's a shame that something like this has to happen.

Whatever problems people of other nations may have with America's foreign policies, they should keep in mind that Lance Armstrong is in no way responsible for decisions made by the Bush Adminstration. So if you're frustrated with this country's leadership, fine, direct that anger at the individuals responsible. That does not include Armstrong, or me, or the American tourist with the enormous gut riding up the Eiffel Tower elevator.

Lance Armstrong survived a serious bout with cancer a few years ago. The fact that 90 or 95% of people in his situation at the time would have died within six months makes his current accomplishments even more impressive--and all the more precious. Give the man a break; he's lucky to even be alive.

On the other hand, he's also banging Sheryl Crowe, so how much good fortune can a single individual be entitled to?

Anyway, if the French want to continue to behave like jerks, fine. But I say we give the Germans a call and tell them that if they want to invade France again, go ahead. This time we won't get involved.

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---------------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

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That's Clucking Ridiculous
A major West Virginia based supplier of chickens to KFC has been accused of abusing and torturing the birds.

Authorities were alerted after the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals obtained photos of PFC Lynndie England leading chickens around on a leash.

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Mr. Smarty Pants Update
Ken Jennings continues his incredible run on Jeopardy!, having now won 36 straight times. However, he is beginning to encounter an increasing amount of animosity. For example, last night his competitors were spitting on him.

---------------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press Gazette

The Eagle has Landed
It was at 10:56 PM on this date in 1969 that the human race--represented by Neil Armstrong--first set foot on the moon. It was an amazing achievement, conceived and carried out during a tumultuous time in our nation's history.

Yet as incredible a feat as reaching the moon was, NASA has soared to even greater heights during the intervening decades. For example, mankind has succeeded in growing tomato plants in low Earth orbit, and demonstrating that earthworms can successfully mate in a weightless environment.

Who knows what wonders await us in the next 35 years?

---------------Rob Rogers, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Granted, George W. Bush last January proposed sending humans to explore Mars, but that idea seems to have pretty much died quiet death since then. And that's truly a shame.

Many critics charged that we should take care of our existing problems--such as poverty, homelessness, and starvation--here on Earth before we go reaching for other worlds. Those may be noble words, but they also represent unattainable idealism.

The unfortunate fact is that poverty, homelessness, and starvation have existed from the moment Adam & Eve were forced to leave the Garden of Eden. Every society in recorded history has always had some luckless individuals at the bottom of the economic ladder, and every society in the future will continue to do so. It's a simple fact that in any hierarchal structure, someone's going to be at the bottom of the pile getting shafted.

Actually, I take that back. We can solve the problem of poverty, homelessness, and starvation here on Earth, and going to the red planet is precisely the way to do it!!

Simply put, we build a really big spaceship, stick all the poor homeless people who are starving on it, and ship 'em off to Mars!

Problem solved.

Pedal Faster
The Tour de France will resume tomorrow. American Lance Armstrong is currently in second place. Assuming he can capture first place and maintain it, he will be rolling triumphantly through the streets of Paris for the sixth time this Sunday.

Even the German army managed that feat only twice.

What? Nelson Mandela guilty of insider trading?
I was going to steer of the Martha Stewart fiasco, but my conscience will no longer let me do that. Plus, she has said something so incredibly outrageous that I'm ready to heave my guts all over the keyboard.

First, let me say that I think she got off easy. If it had been you or me up on those same charges, we'd already be in prison serving as Bruno's bitch every time he dropped his soap. But Martha got off with a mere five months, and she has the nerve to complain about it, and scream that she's going to appeal. Well, good. And if there's any justice in this world, the appellate court will agree that her sentence was indeed a farce, and instead send her to prison for five years.

But here's the part that really pushed me over the edge: Stewart is now comparing her situation to Nelson Mandela, who spent 27 years rotting in a South African jail for the heinous crime of being opposed to apartheid.

My God!! Is Martha Stewart really that far out of touch with reality?

Granted, it's not like she slashed someone's throat and dumped the body in a drainage ditch like so many of us ordinary folk have done, but the fact remains that she received an illegally obtained tip about a stock ready to go down the toilet, and then lied about it to federal investigators. Granted, no physical harm was done to anyone. But what about the millions of ordinary Americans who have invested their life savings in the stock market, especially retirees? Does anyone honestly believe that those same anonymous people would have received a courtesy call from their stockbroker under the same circumstances? No, of course not. And the end result was that a lot of small investors--perhaps your own 79 year old Aunt Gladys--lost thousands of hard earned dollars when ImClone tanked.

And that's why Stewart's conviction is a victory for the little people like you, me, and dear old Aunt Gladys.

---------------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

A Gay Old Time? Only If You're Single
The US Senate yesterday dealt a blow to those seeking a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriages. Despite the setback, President Bush and a number of other Republicans vow to fight on for this important measure designed to protect the sanctity of marriage.

Well, thank God that someone has their priorities straight! I would hate to think our political leaders are wasting their precious time arguing about petty matters such as Medicare, national security, the economy, the burgeoning federal deficit, prescription drug benefits, preventing terrorism, world hunger, or solving the plight of 40 million uninsured Americans.

---------------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

Besides, as long as we have Jennifer Lopez, the average number of traditional heterosexual marriages will continue to rise.

Just Say Boo

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

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Here Kitty, Kitty
It is unfortunate that the story of Bobo the escaped tiger turned out the way it did. Steve Sipek, his owner, is calling the shooting of the animal "murder" and claims that Bobo was completely harmless. "He had a heart of gold."

Yeah, right. And I'm sure Roy Horn considered Montecure the White Tiger to be completely harmless as well.

The responsibility for Bobo's death rests entirely on Sipek's shoulders. Seriously: What kind of idiot keeps a wild 750 pound man-eating animal in his backyard as a pet? Does Sipek have something against goldfish? If I'm carrying a shotgun and an animal weighing more than Oprah during one of her fat phases decides to lunge at me, the only question is going to be whether to shoot first and then shit my pants, or shit my pants first and then shoot.

This story reminds me of the guy in the DC area a few years ago who was bitten by his pet cobra. The hospital had to scramble to round up enough antivenom from around the country to save his life. A few days later we came to find out that the same thing had happened to this same guy a few years earlier. What? He didn't learn his lesson the first time?

Now I'm sorry, but if you're stupid enough to keep a pet cobra, you don't deserve to live. Seriously. And whatever you do, don't reproduce. We don't need your sperm contaminating the rest of the human gene pool.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go feed the five foot pet alligator I keep in my bathtub.

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Mr. Smarty Pants
A lot of people have gotten caught up in the saga of Ken Jennings, who last night broke the one million dollar mark on Jeopardy!. In so doing, he has set a new record in total winnings for the geek oriented game show. But is this necessarily all that impressive an accomplishment? I think not, and in fact, it only serves to demonstrate that the guy is a moron.

Think about it: Jennings has now been on for 30 consecutive nights. And since they tape five episodes a week, that's six weeks of his life that he has wasted pursuing the million bucks. Additionally, he has had to answer hundreds of questions along the way.

This fool could instead have gone on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, answered a dozen or so questions, and still ended up with the same amount of money. Plus, it would have taken him all of 15 minutes--20 tops--to do it!!!

HA!!! Smart, indeed.

E Tu, Donald?
In an interview in the upcoming Esquire magazine, Donald Trump has come down hard on Bush, saying the President has made a "mess" of Iraq, and that it's "folly" to think that it can be turned into a democracy. And of the failure to catch bin Laden, Trump says "We have all our energies focused on one place - where they shouldn't be focused," meaning Iraq.

Holy Mother of Moses!!! When one of the nation's top businessmen turns on a Republican President, you know it's all but over. I mean, what's next? Ronald Reagan's son addressing the Democratic national convention?

Supporting One's Dick
George W. Bush was asked last week what he thought the differences were between Vice President Cheney and Kerry's newly announced running mate, John Edwards. Bush's reply was short and to the point: "Dick Cheney can be President."

Could be President? I thought he already was!

---------------Dave Horsey, Seattle Post Intelligencer

And thanks to Solar for providing the link to a highly entertaining "music video" featuring the President--er, I mean Mr. Bush--and John Kerry.

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

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Does It Come With an Optional Smoke Detector?
Over two dozen brand new Honda CR-V sport utility vehicles have caught on fire within minutes of their first oil change. According to government regulators, this is somewhat unusual.

So far no one has been hurt or killed in the incidents, though there have been a number of close calls.

Honda's position on the matter, however, is that the fires are the fault of the technicians who change the oil filter, and the company has no plans to issue a recall.

Huh? If Honda is going to claim that the there is nothing wrong with the vehicles, then it is also saying that it's perfectly normal for any car to erupt into flames the moment it leaves the Jiffy Lube parking lot. Now I don't know about you, but I've never had a vehicle go all Hindenburg on me under any circumstances, and I'm fairly certain none of my friends have either.

Have Another Drink
A study shows that a particular cactus extract can help cure some symptoms of a hangover.

However, it won't do anything about that fat chick you woke up next to in the morning.

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---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

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Oopsies!
Back on June 9, the day former President Reagan's casket arrived in DC, there was a brief security scare which led to the evacuation of the Capitol. The cause was an unidentified plane headed for National Airport just across the Potomac from DC. It was later identified as a small jet carrying Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher, and the confusion was caused by a broken transponder. While the FAA knew about the problem and had cleared the craft to enter restricted airspace, they, um, kinda forgot to tell NORAD.

As it turns out, Kentucky Lieutenant Governor Steve Pence came damn close to getting a promotion that day.

An inquiry into the incident has revealed a serious gap in communications that day. As a result, the General in charge of air security for DC was moments away from ordering an F16 to shoot down the Governor's plane when it finally turned for its final approach to the airport.

And Osama didn't even have to lift a finger....

At Least He's Not a Tampon

John Kerry made what was really the only logical choice in selecting John Edwards as his running mate. Edwards, though he's only 51, has already served almost a full term in the Senate, and prior to that, he accumulated vast amounts of experience suing over spilled cups of coffee. This certainly qualifies him to be Vice President.

On the other hand, Dick Cheney looks like that weird neighbor of yours down the street who eventually gets arrested for being a child molester. That certainly qualifies him for being a heartbeat away from the presidency.

The Republicans wasted no time accusing both Kerry and Edwards of being (gasp!!) liberals!!! Well, yeah, I suppose that's true. But on the other hand, neither of these guys has gone and invaded a foreign country without having a clue as to what they would do after they won. And at the moment, that sounds like a pretty qualification to me, even if John Kerry is a douche bag.

Oh, How Close We Came to Being French
Today is the Fourth of July, the day the United States celebrates its independence. This particular Fourth, however, also marks the 250th anniversary of 22 year old George Washington's surrender to the French at Fort Necessity in Pennsylvania. The skirmish was an early battle in what we now know as the French & Indian War. Had Washington been killed there, who knows how things might have turned out twenty some years down the road.

However, Washington was released by the French after the battle. He became an aid to a British General, and the conflict went on for another 11 years. Despite the early setback, Britain and the Americans went on to win. Had it gone the other way, however, the French would have taken control of the colonies, those early Americans would have become French citizens, and all of Europe would have ended up speaking German.

And despite initial claims to the contrary, no weapons of mass destruction were found then either.

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How Does One Do That Anyway?
During a campaign swing through West Virginia, Vice President Dick Cheney said that John Kerry was "out of the mainstream and out of touch with the conservative values of the heartland."

Hmmm.... Wonder if those conservative values include telling colleagues on the floor of the US Senate to go f*ck themselves?

What's Up, Chief?

There are few things in life as embarrassing for a guy as getting beaten up by a girl. Thankfully I personally have never been in such a situation, mainly because I've always managed to outrun them. That's really not all that surprising, since most girls tend to run like, well, girls.

A few days ago Andrew C. Hython found himself at Dulles Airport near DC. He decided, for whatever reason, to steal a car from the valet parking area. When he was unable to get out of the parking lot, he ran into the terminal with several parking attendants in pursuit. He then began knocking people down, kicking them, stomping on them, and making a general pest of himself. The situation quickly escalated past the usual low level physical assaults that routinely take place at airports nowadays.

Enter one Suzanne G. Devlin into the picture. The 5' 7" 150 lb. Devlin was at the airport dropping off her husband when she witnessed some of what was going on. She politely asked Mr. Hython to calm the f*ck down.

Hython made the mistake of ignoring Ms. Devlin's request, at which point she tackled the 5' 9" 260 lb. man from behind and pinned him to the ground with her knees until Airport Police finished their donuts and showed up.

Okay, okay. So I made up the part about the donuts.

Oh, one other important detail: Devlin is the acting Chief of Fairfax County Police in suburban Virginia. She was off duty, unarmed, and out of uniform at the time.

Meanwhile, once word gets around about the circumstances of his arrest, Mr. Devlin is likely to become quite, er, "popular" among the other inmates.