E Tu, Donald?
In an interview in the upcoming Esquire magazine, Donald Trump has come down hard on Bush, saying the President has made a "mess" of Iraq, and that it's "folly" to think that it can be turned into a democracy. And of the failure to catch bin Laden, Trump says "We have all our energies focused on one place - where they shouldn't be focused," meaning Iraq.

Holy Mother of Moses!!! When one of the nation's top businessmen turns on a Republican President, you know it's all but over. I mean, what's next? Ronald Reagan's son addressing the Democratic national convention?

Supporting One's Dick
George W. Bush was asked last week what he thought the differences were between Vice President Cheney and Kerry's newly announced running mate, John Edwards. Bush's reply was short and to the point: "Dick Cheney can be President."

Could be President? I thought he already was!

---------------Dave Horsey, Seattle Post Intelligencer

And thanks to Solar for providing the link to a highly entertaining "music video" featuring the President--er, I mean Mr. Bush--and John Kerry.

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

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Does It Come With an Optional Smoke Detector?
Over two dozen brand new Honda CR-V sport utility vehicles have caught on fire within minutes of their first oil change. According to government regulators, this is somewhat unusual.

So far no one has been hurt or killed in the incidents, though there have been a number of close calls.

Honda's position on the matter, however, is that the fires are the fault of the technicians who change the oil filter, and the company has no plans to issue a recall.

Huh? If Honda is going to claim that the there is nothing wrong with the vehicles, then it is also saying that it's perfectly normal for any car to erupt into flames the moment it leaves the Jiffy Lube parking lot. Now I don't know about you, but I've never had a vehicle go all Hindenburg on me under any circumstances, and I'm fairly certain none of my friends have either.

Have Another Drink
A study shows that a particular cactus extract can help cure some symptoms of a hangover.

However, it won't do anything about that fat chick you woke up next to in the morning.

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---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

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Oopsies!
Back on June 9, the day former President Reagan's casket arrived in DC, there was a brief security scare which led to the evacuation of the Capitol. The cause was an unidentified plane headed for National Airport just across the Potomac from DC. It was later identified as a small jet carrying Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher, and the confusion was caused by a broken transponder. While the FAA knew about the problem and had cleared the craft to enter restricted airspace, they, um, kinda forgot to tell NORAD.

As it turns out, Kentucky Lieutenant Governor Steve Pence came damn close to getting a promotion that day.

An inquiry into the incident has revealed a serious gap in communications that day. As a result, the General in charge of air security for DC was moments away from ordering an F16 to shoot down the Governor's plane when it finally turned for its final approach to the airport.

And Osama didn't even have to lift a finger....

At Least He's Not a Tampon

John Kerry made what was really the only logical choice in selecting John Edwards as his running mate. Edwards, though he's only 51, has already served almost a full term in the Senate, and prior to that, he accumulated vast amounts of experience suing over spilled cups of coffee. This certainly qualifies him to be Vice President.

On the other hand, Dick Cheney looks like that weird neighbor of yours down the street who eventually gets arrested for being a child molester. That certainly qualifies him for being a heartbeat away from the presidency.

The Republicans wasted no time accusing both Kerry and Edwards of being (gasp!!) liberals!!! Well, yeah, I suppose that's true. But on the other hand, neither of these guys has gone and invaded a foreign country without having a clue as to what they would do after they won. And at the moment, that sounds like a pretty qualification to me, even if John Kerry is a douche bag.

Oh, How Close We Came to Being French
Today is the Fourth of July, the day the United States celebrates its independence. This particular Fourth, however, also marks the 250th anniversary of 22 year old George Washington's surrender to the French at Fort Necessity in Pennsylvania. The skirmish was an early battle in what we now know as the French & Indian War. Had Washington been killed there, who knows how things might have turned out twenty some years down the road.

However, Washington was released by the French after the battle. He became an aid to a British General, and the conflict went on for another 11 years. Despite the early setback, Britain and the Americans went on to win. Had it gone the other way, however, the French would have taken control of the colonies, those early Americans would have become French citizens, and all of Europe would have ended up speaking German.

And despite initial claims to the contrary, no weapons of mass destruction were found then either.

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How Does One Do That Anyway?
During a campaign swing through West Virginia, Vice President Dick Cheney said that John Kerry was "out of the mainstream and out of touch with the conservative values of the heartland."

Hmmm.... Wonder if those conservative values include telling colleagues on the floor of the US Senate to go f*ck themselves?

What's Up, Chief?

There are few things in life as embarrassing for a guy as getting beaten up by a girl. Thankfully I personally have never been in such a situation, mainly because I've always managed to outrun them. That's really not all that surprising, since most girls tend to run like, well, girls.

A few days ago Andrew C. Hython found himself at Dulles Airport near DC. He decided, for whatever reason, to steal a car from the valet parking area. When he was unable to get out of the parking lot, he ran into the terminal with several parking attendants in pursuit. He then began knocking people down, kicking them, stomping on them, and making a general pest of himself. The situation quickly escalated past the usual low level physical assaults that routinely take place at airports nowadays.

Enter one Suzanne G. Devlin into the picture. The 5' 7" 150 lb. Devlin was at the airport dropping off her husband when she witnessed some of what was going on. She politely asked Mr. Hython to calm the f*ck down.

Hython made the mistake of ignoring Ms. Devlin's request, at which point she tackled the 5' 9" 260 lb. man from behind and pinned him to the ground with her knees until Airport Police finished their donuts and showed up.

Okay, okay. So I made up the part about the donuts.

Oh, one other important detail: Devlin is the acting Chief of Fairfax County Police in suburban Virginia. She was off duty, unarmed, and out of uniform at the time.

Meanwhile, once word gets around about the circumstances of his arrest, Mr. Devlin is likely to become quite, er, "popular" among the other inmates.

Ring Around the Planet

If all goes according to plan, and assuming NASA scientists didn't screw up their metric to english conversions again, the Cassini space probe will slip between two of Saturn's rings later tonight and go into orbit around the planet. It will spend the next four years there, snapping pictures, taking measurements, performing spectro analyses, conducting experiments, and desperately looking for Saddam's missing weapons of mass destruction.

In what is expected to be the mission's highlight--assuming that no ties to Al Qaeda are found--Cassini will launch the smaller Huygens probe in January. Huygens will then parachute into the atmosphere of Saturn's largest moon, Titan, and slowly descend to its surface. Scientists hope that data gathered during its descent will solve the longstanding mystery of why a satellite of Saturn would be named after an NFL football team.

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Pin Up Memoirs
I finally went out and bought a copy of Bill Clinton's book, but it looks like I'm going to end up taking it back.

Someone's already ripped out the centerfold.

---------------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star-Ledger

Quite a Bash
Death and mayhem erupted in New York earlier today when a crowd of Bush bashers coming out of a showing of Fahrenheit 911 ran into a mob of Clinton bashers protesting outside a bookstore.

Wedding Bells
Word is that part time virgin/full time vixen Britney Spears is engaged to one of her backup dancers. And Kevin Federline sounds like quite the catch, too! He already has a two year old daughter and another child in the oven with his previous girlfriend, so he obviously has experience raising a family.

This news comes a few months after Britney's quickie marriage/quickie annulment in Las Vegas. There is no word on how long the current engagement will last before the happy couple actually ties the knot. However, it appears that this time Miss Spears is not rushing into anything she may later regret, and that she wants to be truly sure that this is indeed the man she wants to spend the rest of her weekend with.

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957 Pages.... Or Less if They're Stuck Together
Much to the consternation of Clinton bashers, the former President's "My Life" has been setting sales records. Borders says it sold 50,000 copies the first day, more than twice the total of the previous non-fiction record holder, Hillary Clinton's "Living History."

Experts say this may well be the first time in well over a decade that Bill has been on top of Hillary.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Seven Of Nine Doesn't Do Sixty Nine
Illinois senatorial candidate Jack Ryan has withdrawn from the race amid allegations that he had forced his now ex-wife, actress Jeri Ryan, to participate in bizarre sex clubs. After the story broke, Ryan's chances for winning the election became about the same as the chances of success for the incoming Iraqi government.

It was not immediately clear how these recent developments will effect Ryan's career as a fictional character in various Tom Clancy novels.

Wake Me In 17 Years

The Great Cicada Invasion of 2004 has come to a close in the DC area. The neighborhoods that first experienced them have been quiet for a couple of weeks now, and by today, even the stragglers that joined the party late were silent. So in any given locale, the whole thing lasted maybe three weeks. And while some people may want me arrested for saying this, I miss their incessant sound.

Come August, the eggs that our now deceased friends laid will be hatching, and the nymphs--smaller than an ant--will literally take a leap of faith and drop to the ground. Those fortunate enough to land on soil will quickly burrow underground and find a tree root to call home for the next 16 1/2 years. The unlucky ones who land on a sidewalk, or pavement, or your car parked in the shade.... Well, they'll have had a really, REALLY short lifespan.

Though a few people did tend to freak out, the cicadas were completely harmless. They don't carry disease, they don't sting or bite, and they don't eat. Their only negatives are the noise (audio clip on this page, about 3/4 of the way down), and something called flagging, which is experienced by trees. We're seeing a lot of that now.

Flagging occurs when the leaves on the very tips of tree branches turn brown and die. That's caused by the females' laying of eggs, which involves slicing into the bark. If it occurs near the tip of a branch, where the wood is thinner, it can cause flagging. However, even that considered a benefit because it serves to prune the trees and spur more growth later on. Other benefits include turning the soil as they emerge, and releasing nitrogen as their bodies decay. Indeed, there are at least 17 other uses for dead cicadas.

But perhaps most importantly, they serve to remind us that there are still forces in nature that don't care what we silly humans do to each other (Excellent article on this topic by one of my favorite Post writers, Joel Achenbach).

When these critters last came out in 1987, it was a very different world. Not only was Ronald Reagan still President, but it was the year he delivered his memorable "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall" speech. Mary Kate and Ashley were only a year old while the Bush Twins were in kindergarten and still sober. There was no internet and blogs were written on paper. Baby Jessica fell down a well. The year's top movie was "Look Who's Talking" and Bruce Willis was a TV star. Monica Lewinsky was practicing her technique on her thumb. Michael Jackson was still considered normal. Saddam was our friend, and Britney Spears.... Wait, Britney who?

And what will our world look like in May (or January, if current rates of global warming continue to hold) of 2021 when the soil temperature hits 64 degrees and a new generation of cicadas begins to emerge? Will Osama have won, and the survivors among us be living in caves? Will we talking about the good old days when gas was only two dollars a gallon? Will there still be TV's, or will the shows be beamed directly to our brains? Will President Jenna Bush be seeking to avenge her daddy's electoral loss by launching another invasion of Iraq?

Only time will tell what the future holds.

Udderly Ridiculous
In response to the skyrocketing cost of milk, the White House has announced plans to invade Wisconsin.

In an effort to head off international criticism of the move, President Bush is reassuring the world that the milk they produce "will continue to belong to the people of Wisconsin."

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Family Values
Lance E. Champion of McMinnville, Tennessee, took it upon himself to pull over a sheriff's deputy he claimed was speeding. The deputy, however, failed to see the irony of the situation and ended up arresting the 23 year old Champion on charges of disorderly conduct.

Like any good son, Lance called his mother. And like any good mother, Janice Champion came to her son's aid. Irony once again reared its ugly head, and Janice was soon found herself in jail for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

The head of the notorious crime syndicate, 47 year old Hal Champion, came straight from church to his family's aid. He ended up getting shot by a deputy's Taser and was also taken into custody.

Police are still seeking irony for additional questioning.

Adult Reading

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

As a public service, here are the opening lines to some of the greatest presidential memoirs:

Ulysses S. Grant: "My family is American, and has been for generations, in all its branches, direct and collateral."

Harry S Truman: "During the first few weeks of Franklin Delano Roosevelt's fourth administration, I saw what the long years of the presidency had done to him."

Richard M. Nixon: "I was born in a house my father built."

Jimmy Carter: "I had not been to bed since early Sunday morning, and I was discouraged and almost exhausted."

William Jefferson Clinton: "I never thought I would someday be writing a letter like this to Penthouse Forum, but a few years ago I met a young intern at the office."

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---------------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

Rush Limbaugh: Preserving the Sanctity of Marriage

Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh and his wife, Marta, are getting a divorce after ten happy years together.

Under terms of the divorce settlement, Marta will get most of their house. Rush will keep the right wing.

Space, the Final Frontier

congratulations to everyone associated with the design of SpaceShipOne, which today became the first privately developed manned vessel to reach outer space. Future test missions will include one to return Michael Jackson to his homeworld of Freakozoid in the Weirdo Galaxy.

Though today's launch did not actually include an orbit of Earth, the accomplishment is nonetheless viewed by many as crucial to truly making space travel a viable commercial enterprise, and opening it up to the common man. However, in what may be an ominous sign, Al Qaeda has already made inquiries about training people to steer spacecraft without actually learning how to blastoff.

Party Time

Ohio Democrats have selected talk show host Jerry Springer to be an at-large delegate to their national convention in August.

Apparently party leaders are expecting a lot of incestuous midget wrestler lesbian cousins at their convention this year.

Evidence? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Evidence
In response to the below cartoon, Norman writes: "Who needs evidence when you have an Anybody But Bush agenda? Saddam didn't fly the planes, but to suggest there was no connection or collaboration is pretty stupid."

Yes, I do have an "Anybody But Bush" agenda. But it's not my fault. The problem is that I've allowed myself to be brainwashed by the facts:
* No weapons of mass destruction have been found.
* No evidence of collaboration between Saddam and Al Qaeda has turned up. Even the White House admits that, but then adds that there were "longstanding contacts" between the two. Huh? At least when Clinton was arguing about the meaning of the word "is," people weren't dying left and right.
* Iraq is rapidly approaching a state of anarchy, or is already there.
* Oh and let's not forget that Bush told the world we would "go it alone" if necessary, which he did. And now that we can't handle it "alone," he has the audacity to demand that other countries send their troops in there.

We have improved nothing by going into Iraq. Indeed, we've only created even more instability in the Middle East. If you think we have high gas prices now, wait till you see what happens if the House of Saud falls.

As I've said before, we should have concentrated our efforts on Afghanistan, and if necessary, gone across the border into Pakistan. If we had done that, then we would probably have caught the son of a bitch responsible for 9/11 by now. Then we could have tied Osama's dead body to the back of a New York city firetruck, and dragged it through the streets of Manhattan, thereby achieving some sense of closure.

Had Bush accomplished that much, then I'd say fine, let's go get Saddam. Or Qaddafi. Or Kim. Or the Iranians. But instead we're still spinning our wheels in the sands of Iraq.

If we had stayed focused on Afghanistan and Pakistan, would 839 American soldiers still be dead? Possibly.

But at least they would have died defending the United States against a proven threat.

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---------------Rex Babin, Sacremento Bee

Economic Realities
As further proof that Bush has mismanaged the American economy and caused many to lose their jobs, now comes word that the 9/11 hijackers had originally planned to use ten planes but were forced to cut back to only four.

Fortunately the laid off terrorists have since found work in Iraq.

Anybody Find A Chest?

Hmmm.... Either that guy on the far right has a pair of really nice legs, or that girl on the far right has one butt ugly face.

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Speed

---------------Aaron, Magruder, Boondocks

After two years of anticipation, I've finally joined the world of high speed internet. My cable company is Adelphia, and as you probably know, it's founders are currently in jail having women point at their genitals. Consequently the company has been a little slow in catching up with the rest the industry.

I almost got it last week, but when the cable guy came out to install it, he found that the ethernet card on my laptop wasn't working properly, in addition to my computer needing more memory. I told him hey, it wasn't easy finding a Commodore 64.

Anyway, a friend of mine took care of the said issues, and I went by the cable office this morning to pick up the self-installation kit. And since I was doing a self-install this time, I had to sign a piece of paper basically saying that if I screw it up, I'll have to pay $50 to have the cable guy come back out here and fix my mistake.

The setup process went smoothly at first until I suddenly hit a dead end with the installation CD. No matter what I tried, it wouldn't finish loading. Being a patient sort of psychopath, I began screaming, cursing, and flailing my arms over my head. And since I wasn't about to shell out another fifty bucks, I was about ready to pack everything back up and take it back when I stumbled across a support phone number. So I called it, and much to my astonishment, I got an English speaking guy who actually knew what he was doing.

After having me check a couple of things on my end (is your modem plugged in, Is the cable connected to the wall, etc.), he found the problem: The person at the local cable office who gave me the self install kit neglected to activate the internet access service. In other words, the problem was on Adelphia's end.

Now in addition to being a patient psychopath, I'm also a paranoid schizophrenic, so I have to wonder if the cable guy had come out, would he have explained that it was their fault, or would he have magically "found" some other problem, fixed that, and then charged me the fifty?

Not that I'm paranoid or anything.... Where are my meds?



P.S.
Speaking of psychopaths, this week marks the 10th anniversary of O.J. Simpson's debut as a rookie homicidal maniac. In honor of this very special occasion, my 1994 "archives"
are now online.

Just Stay Away From Uranus

The Cassini spacecraft, which is due to go into orbit around Saturn on June 30, has sent back dramatic pictures of one the planet's moons, Phoebe. The photos show a pockmarked surfaced, obviously quite old and weathered.

It is not immediately clear if the other five characters from Friends look this bad without their makeup.

Yahoo! My Tuckus

Yahoo announced a month or so ago that they were increasing the storage space on their free accounts. And while they denied it, it was fairly obvious that they were doing it in response to gmail's plan to offer a full gigabyte.

Yahoo unveiled its new service today, and the whole thing has me quite peeved off. Now don't misunderstand: I have no problem with their increasing storage space to 100 MB, BUT did they also have to revamp their sign-in screen as well as the graphics on the actual email pages?

This whole thing has me quite upset. You would think the bigwigs at Yahoo would have taken the time to personally contact yours truly, maybe even buy me a cup of coffee (mocha latte, tall)(oh, and with whipped cream). But N-O-O-O-o-o-O-O-O!!! They just went off half cocked, giving absolutely no thought to the longterm consequences of their actions, and made their changes. Hell, given the reckless nature of their actions, you'd think they were Bush Administration officials invading a foreign country!

Once I get used to something, and decide I like it, no one should be allowed to touch it. I don't like change. Change confuses me, distorts my already vague notions of reality, and turns my world upside down. It makes me want to just sit in the corner with my hands over my ears, rock back and forth, and mumble incoherently to myself.

Kind of like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman.

A Fatal Dose of Irony
A cameraman for KETV in Omaha was killed a few days ago while doing a story on a dangerous intersection which had been the scene of several accidents. Authorities are still investigating, but they believe that Jeff Frolio failed to see an oncoming car when he attempted to cross the road.

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Reality Sucks
NBC has announced plans for yet another reality TV series. This one will be called Iraqi Fear Factor. The object will be for contestants wearing "I Love the USA" t-shirts to run across a street in downtown Fallujah without getting shot, blown up, or kidnapped.

Despite the million dollar prize, no one has signed up yet.

Into the Sunset

---------------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

In stark contrast to the last 48 hours, today is a miserable, damp, and dreary day in DC. In a sense, it sums up the mood of many people in this town--indeed, the country--as the plane carrying Ronald Reagan's casket lifted off from Andrews Air Force Base. Later this evening, our 40th President will arrive in California. After a 45 minute drive to the grounds of the Reagan Library, he will be laid to rest in a ceremony intended to coincide with sunset.

And so will end our time with Ronald Wilson Reagan.

Take a Message... And a Hint

Senator John McCain said today that once the Iraqis sign their new constitution, it will send a message to other middle eastern countries that the days of religious extremism are over.

Forget Iraq. Could someone please send the same message to the Republicans here in the US?

Funeral For A Leader

Any time the President of the United States goes somewhere, he departs from Andrews Air Force Base outside DC. And when he returns home, that's where he lands. Indeed, it's a matter of routine. After all, it's the facility that hosts the planes that serve as Air Force One.

During his eight years as President, Ronald Reagan flew in and out of Andrews hundreds of times. Perhaps someone somewhere even has a precise count. But regardless of the actual number, it was his arrival at Andrews this afternoon at 4:50 PM that was to be Reagan's most memorable, for it was also to be his very last.

DC had spent the last several days preparing for its first state funeral in over 30 years. And if you look at it simply in terms of the pomp, pageantry, and solemnity of the event, and think about the logistics involved in pulling it off, it's all very impressive. The army's Third Infantry, which handles funerals at Arlington National Cemetery, performed its duties today with nothing short of complete precision and total dignity.

But the impressive ceremonies are only a small part of the story.

We all saw the images of people lining the roads in California as Reagan's hearse went by, and more of the same was expected here. However, I don't think anyone thought it would occur on the scale which it did. Literally hundreds of thousands of people braved the day's oppressive heat and lined both sides of Constitution Avenue for a momentary glimpse of the coffin. And despite all those thousands of people, there was complete silence as the casket was moved from the hearse to the caisson, and continued on to the Capitol.

Our 40th President certainly had his naysayers, and that's fine. There's always someone somewhere blaming everyone else for the world's problems. But what was seen in downtown DC today were the multitudes of ordinary Americans who loved and respected Ronald Reagan. They came out to offer their heartfelt thanks, and their final goodbyes.

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

P.S.
Ever wonder what's going through the minds of those service men and women who provide the backdrop for these stately and somber proceedings? Stephen Hunter normally writes movie reviews for the Washington Post. Today, however, he has penned a piece about Dwight Eisenhower's funeral, and his own brief tour in the Third Infantry at the time. It's worth reading.

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Some People still Don't Get It
In the latest bit of evidence that some people are just too stupid to be allowed to mingle with the rest of society, Lilia Belkova refused to heed flight attendant's instructions to put down her cell phone as her plane began to taxi towards the runway. Then one of the two Air Marshals on board repeated the request, and Ms. Belkova slapped him upside the head.

Bad idea.

Ms. Belkova is currently in a Miami area jail awaiting arraignment. No word on whether she still has her phone, which in this case would give new meaning to the term cell phone.

But Will You Be Hung Like a Hippo?
Scientists have discovered that Hippopotamus sweat not only makes a great sunscreen, it has strong antibiotic properties as well. It was also found when dried in combination with mucus, the combined secretions are longlasting.

Perhaps most importantly, you will have an entire section of beach to yourself because, well, you're going to smell like a hippo.

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---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

Put Your Venus Away

Many astronomy types are excited about tomorrow's "transit of Venus," in which our sexy neighbor passes directly between the Earth and the Sun. The last time this happened was in 1882, and some folks seem to think this is a big deal just for that reason. Granted, that may seem like a long time, but it's only about 7.2 generations of cicadas.

It always helps to keep these things in perspective.

Besides, like so many other celestial events involving the sun, this one comes with a catch: You can't look directly at it, or you'll go blind!! That means you have to go out and buy #5 welders glasses, or set up those stupid pinhole contraptions, or trick someone you don't like into staring directly at it and providing you with a blow-by-blow description.

Unless, of course, you happen to live in the western United States. The transit will be taking place before sunrise there, so you'll be able to watch it without fear of going blind.

That reminds me.... How do blind people who are allergic to dogs get around?

Saturn.... Which has absolutely nothing to do with Venus but looks way cooler

These so-called Venus transits take place in predictable intervals, and back in the 18th & 19th centuries, scientists tried to take advantage of them to calculate the distance of the Earth to the sun. The theory goes that if you position several observers around the Earth, and have them record the exact times the transit ends, you can calculate the various angles and distances involved. Of course, such primitive methods provided them with wildly inaccurate estimates. It wasn't until the dawn of the space age when astronauts were finally able to compute the now accepted distance of 92,955,887.6 miles by laying a whole shitload of rulers end to end.

---------------Michael Ramirez, LA Times

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How Much Did he Pay For The Gas?
A man in Granby, Colorado, reached the breaking point in his zoning dispute with town officials and went on a rampage. But rather than grab a gun and start shooting willy-nilly the way most such people do, Marvin Heemeyer took a bulldozer and welded armor plating all around it. He then drove it through the center of town, knocking down or otherwise damaging nine buildings. A friend estimates that it probably took Heemeyer over half a year to design and construct his modified vehicle of destruction. It was even equipped with cameras and monitors so the driver could see where he was going.

Well, it's good that Heemeyer put a lot of thought and planning into this. So many people, when they snap and go on a homicidal rampage, do it on the spur of the moment without giving any serious consideration to the process.

Ronald Wilson Reagan
February 6, 1911-June 5, 2004

Survey Says...

A new study shows that today's high school students are smoking less, getting into fewer fights, and having less sex than students back in 1992.

In other words, school's a lot less fun now.

Cicada Central

Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Thank God Lugosi has made another entry about those lovable little cicadas!!" Yes, indeed. And if you think THAT'S eerie, just wait till you catch me peeking in your bathroom window.

My continuing quest for worthless knowledge has led me to the following site, which is actually quite funny:

Over the weekend I went to a cookout at a friend's house in nearby Reston. i don't remember what I had to eat, nor do I recall who was there. No idea what we had to drink. We probably talked about something, but I'm not sure.

What I do remember, however, with absolute 100% certainty, is the absolute, incessant, unrelenting, mind-numbing NOISE.

Reston is an older community (relatively speaking) built back in the '60's and '70's, and one of it's most distinguishing characteristics is the area's preservation of trees. And if there's one thing adult cicadas enjoy more than humping one another's brains out, it's trees. They absolutely live for them.

And the backyard of this particular house is practically all woods, with a lot of trees providing shade for the deck in the back. It's all very nice... and all VERY loud.

It's no exageration to say that if you were sitting right next to someone, you had to keep your voice raised to be understood. And if you were trying to get someone's attention 10 or 15 feet away, you pretty much had to shout to be heard. The million or two cicadas in the treetops directly overhead didn't leave us much choice.

However, I'm glad to report that everyone was cool with the experience. No one was complaining about the din, and most importantly, no one was freaked out by them. This last point is important, because cicadas were constantly landing on the deck, on the railings, on our plates, and on our bodies. And while I'm not sure, it's a safe bet that some of them were incinerated when they landed on the grill (there were no wings on my burger patty, however; I checked). One even landed in the wading pool that was set up for the lone child. And through it all, everyone kept rescuing the horny little bastards.

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My Point Exactly

Truth

Every now and then someone will say something so stupid and boneheaded, that it really pisses me off. Congratulations to a certain reader, who has become the latest to join the list. In response to the Doonesbury cartoon I posted yesterday, he left the following comment:

"Guess they have to put up more of them stone thingies in Washigton where the carv the names of fallen US soldiers.

I have to second solar in her opinion. Do you know that actually more civilians was killed bu US bombs in Afganistan than there was cevilians killed in the WTC attac? I wonder how many Iraqies have been killed so far."

First of all, is it really necessary for me to point out that the latest "stone thingie" in DC was built to honor the hundreds of thousands of Americans who died saving a certain continent's collective asses from the Germans? We didn't have to do that, you know. We could have just sat here on our side of the ocean minding our own business, inventing electricity, light bulbs, airplanes, cars, and toilet paper that doesn't have the consistency of sandpaper. Meanwhile the French, the Belgians, the Dutch, and everyone else in Europe could have sat on their side of the damn ocean learning to speak German. So for someone to make such an ignorant comment about the WWII Memorial goes beyond the pale.

Just because I am opposed to the war in Iraq and think that George "Dufus" Bush has royally f*cked up the United States's standing in the international community, don't assume for one minute that I am ashamed to be an American. This country has bailed out the rest of the world more than once, and very rarely do we get a word of thanks in response.

And don't attempt to make our actions in Afghanistan seem like a mistake. I don't particularly give a crap whether the civilian death count there is more or less than the number of people we lost on 9-11. This isn't a pissing contest in which we're somehow keeping score and get to go home when the magic number hits 3,000. The bottom line is that Afghanistan knowingly harbored the man who was responsible for those deaths. When they refused to give him up, we had no choice but to take the gloves off.

Yes, I think that it's terrible that innocent people die in a war. But you know what? A lot of innocent people were sitting at their desks on 9-11 drinking coffee and reading that day's "Dilbert" when a plane came flying their their offices. And in 1998 a lot of innocent people were just walking down the street in Dar es Salaam and Nairobi when truck bombs went off. And the carnage hasn't stopped since in the last two and a half years. The 200 innocent people commuting to work on those Spanish trains can attest to that, as can the almost 200 innocent people who died in the Bali nightclub bombing. The difference is that at least we try to avoid civilian deaths rather than deliberately targeting them.

Oh, and as far as the Afghan war is concerned, it was brilliantly executed. But now even that success is now being drawn into question because 1) the Taliban is reasserting itself and 2) we still don't have bin Laden.

Once it became apparent that we weren't going to find Osama in Afghanistan, we should have just given Musharaff $50 billion or so and told him to look the other way. Then we should have gone into western Pakistan and kicked some serious ass until someone eventually said enough is enough and decided to cough up bin Laden.

That brings me to the reason why I think Iraq has turned out to be such a mistake. First and foremost, the whole bloody affair has proven itself to be a costly diversion from the War on Terror. And anyone who argues otherwise is just plain ignorant. Iraq never had any terrorists--at least not until we went in there and got rid of Hussein. That's when it became like an amusement park when the ticket takers decide to go on strike! Terrorists began pouring across the borders from the left and from the right and from every other damn direction. And why? Because we didn't have enough troops on the ground to control the borders, much less the rest of the country. And why was that? Because Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Bush, and Cheney got cocky after their apparent success in Afghanistan and decided to ignore the warnings of people like Colin Powell and Anthony Zinni who said 1) don't invade Iraq and 2) you're going to need 400,000 troops if you do.

We had Hussein well contained with the no-fly zones that have been in place since 1991. And enough international pressure--consistently applied across the board--could have forced Hussein to allow the UN inspectors to continue to do their jobs. Two years ago Bush had the credibility and stature to pull that off.

Some people have used the argument that Saddam would have just expelled the inspectors again. Well, while that's certainly possible, it's also unlikely. Hussein was shrewd enough to realize that Bush wasn't Clinton.

Bill may have been popular with the chicks, but he was also a pussy when it came to international relations. The man should have gone after bin Laden after the attacks on the African embassies--and later the USS Cole--but he didn't, further perpetuating the image of the United States as a paper tiger. That image of the US being too timid to strike back further contributed to the attacks of 9-11.

Which brings me back to my original point: Why the hell are we wasting our time, our resources, our money, and the lives of our troops in Iraq? Bush wants to transform something? Fine! Those assets and precious lives could have been much better used in transforming Afghanistan. Most importantly, we would have probably had bin Laden by now.

I was never particularly a fan of Michael Moore. And I thought his speech at the Oscars last year was a disgrace. But my opinion of him has recently changed a great deal. I heard an interview of him shortly after his film, Fahrenheit 911, won at Cannes. Someone asked what he would have done after 9-11. And Moore's reply? "I would have gone after the man who killed 3000 people."

Amen to that.

---------------Gary Trudeau, Doonesbury

Putting It In Perspective

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Blue Eyed Soul
A number of people have told me that there is a reward being offered for blue eyed cicadas (normally their eyes are red). One person said it was $500, another said it was $1000, and I've even heard $10,000. One guy went as far as to tell me that there are "only 625 of them."

Being the cynic I am--though I admit to buying into the whole WMD thing--I told them all that it there's no such critter as a cicada with blue eyes, and that the whole thing is one of those silly internet rumors that people fall for, like that whole Atkins Diet thing.

Still, since I consider myself to be a self-appointed internationally renown cicada expert who once tried to mate with one, I thought I should check into this story further. And as it turns out, I was half right.

Some cicadas do, in fact, have blue eyes. The best guess is that maybe 1% of the total population does.

Alas, there is no reward, however. No one seems to be sure how the rumor started, except that it was supposedly Johns Hopkins University offering it. A spokesperson for the university said not only is the story NOT true, but their biology department doesn't even have an entomologist on the staff.

But enough of what OTHER experts have discovered. Let's talk about my own, personal research into the habits of these little guys.

First of all, you know how nuns in a convent will sometimes synchronize their menstrual cycles? Well, I've found that cicadas do the same thing.

No, not with their menstrual cycles. As far as I've been able to tell, they don't even have periods. And that theory is based on the observation that no female cicada has ever sent her boyfriend out to buy tampons. However, if you a large number of them in close proximity--say within a single tree, or clump of trees--their singing becomes synchronized. You can actually hear the volume rise and ebb every 10 seconds or so.

And an individual cicada kind of sounds like a foghorn. It makes a longer, higher pitched sound, and then a shorter, lower pitched one.

I became so intrigued by these generalized observations that I decided to tag along with a male cicada as he made his rounds. We'll call him Charlie.... Yes, Charlie the Cicada.

Like males of most species, Charlie likes to meet his women in bars. Fortunately, cicadas have a pretty extensive network of drinking establishments. This is certainly understandable, since who among us wouldn't resort to large amounts of alcohol if we knew we only had another two weeks to live?

And fortunately their drinking age is 17.

Charlie: (Approaching a female cicada at the bar) Hey baby, come here often?

Female 1: Get lost.

Charlie: Uh, sure. (Turning to a different female) Hey, baby, What's your sign?

Female 2: What are you, stupid or something? Every last one of us hatched in the second week of August, 1987, and you're asking what sign I am!?!

Charlie: (Approaching a third female) If I told you have a beautiful pair of wings, would you flutter them for me?

Female 3: (Throws drink in Charlie's face) Loser.

(Charlie suddenly realizes he's in a lesbian cicada bar. Decides to try his luck up the street)

Charlie: Say, you have the most beautiful, beadiest red eyes I've ever seen.

Female 4: Thanks! Wanna f*ck?

Charlie: Okay.

(Ten seconds go by...)

Female 4: WOW!!! You were the best of the 372 guys I've mated with today!! Will you call me tomorrow?

Charlie: Uh, yeah, sure thing, baby. Seeya!!!

Female 4: Let me give you my phone number.... HEY!! COME BACK!!

(While flying across the street, Charlie is squashed by a car windshield)

Always Blame The Bug

The nation's capital remains at the mercy of an overwhelming force: Cicadas. The little buggers, once considered harmless by Democrats overly concerned with civil liberties, have recently begun to take on a much more aggressive attitude.

In a recent incident that could easily have turned out tragically, a woman was backing out of her driveway when a cicada--hellbent on causing death and destruction--attacked her. Helpless in the face of this random attack out of the blue, the motorist lost control of her car, took out a fire hydrant, and flooded her entire street.

While the incident looks like nothing more than a fluke accident, the FBI is nonetheless investigating whether the accused insect has ties to the notorious terrorist group Al Ciqaeda.

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---------------Non Sequitor

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Hanging Chads
Congratulations are in order for Fantasia Barrino, the preliminary winner of this year's American Idol competition. What's curious, however, is that while last night's finale drew just over 25 million viewers, over 60 million votes were supposedly cast. How is this possible? Were the votes tallied in Florida or something?

In fact, several of the competitions have resulted in controversial results and charges of improper voting.

Thank God our national elections aren't run so sloppily.

One also has to wonder about the quality and character of the people drawn to this show. Specifically, did anyone bother do a criminal background check on last year's runner up, Clay Aiken? This is a man who has won the hearts of millions of young female fans, but can he be trusted? Has anyone bothered to closely examine the lyrics of his big hit, "Invisible?"

It contains lines such as "I wish I could be a fly on your wall" and "If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room."

Invisible indeed!! This pervert has written a love ballad promoting stalking, for crying out loud!!

Hey Baby

I was hanging out in a bar last night when a woman--whom I had never seen before in my life--walks up to me and said, "Is that a cicada in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Needless to say, I was quite flattered.... Until I remembered that cicadas are only an inch and a half long.

Tarnished Jewel

Jewel recently put on a concert in New Hampshire that can only be described as bizarre. The singer went off on several rants during her performance, insulted the audience, and then yodeled for her encore.

Now I don't mean to jump to any conclusions here, but anyone care to make a prediction as to how long before she ends up in rehab?

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Yummy
Hard as it is to believe, the cicadas are louder and even more plentiful than last week. In many neighborhoods, with the sound measuring above 90 decibels, it is virtually impossible to stay outside for any substantial length of time.

There has been a lot of talk about how some people actually eat these things, and I had been somewhat reluctant to experiment in that regard. However, now that it's apparent that the little lovable fellas are not likely to end up on the endangered species list anytime soon, I decided to take the plunge and try a cicada sandwich.

Unfortunately, things didn't quite work out as planned. They kept crawling off the bread and flying away.

The Joy of Discovery
Judging by my windshield, the insides of cicadas are white and gooey.

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Leaded Or Unleaded?
When most people hear the words "Washington DC," they immediately think of the nation's government, and picture a city populated by boneheaded bureaucrats who sit around making decisions independent of any concept of the real world.

And, well, yeah, okay, that's true.

But it's also a city of real, live people just like you and me. And aside from the President and the Congress and all the other federal bigwigs, there's a local city government that responds to the needs of the local citizenry.

And unfortunately, that local city government is also populated by boneheaded bureaucrats....

For several months now, the city has been trying to come to solve the problem of severe lead contamination of the drinking water. This problem has actually existed for the better part of two years now, but it was only recently that the general public learned about it.

There has been a lot of fingerpointing back and forth between the Mayor's office, the City Council, and various agencies responsible for the safety of what comes out of DC's faucets. No one has been able to figure out what's been going on. The only real solution any one had come up with was to run your water for 5-7 minutes before drinking it.

Well, so much for water conservation.... And don't even think about the effect this would have on your water bills!

But now comes word that the source of the lead may, in fact, be the water meters themselves!!

And these people want to be a state?!?!



P.S.
Credit goes to Coptalk for the Gasbuddy button to your left.

Now if only I could find a similar feed giving the current status of the cicada invasion.....

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Horny Little Bastards

The cicada invasion continues unabated, with thousands of terrified human forced to flee their homes as swarms of bloodthirsty cicadas swoop down and devour the slow and the weak.

Okay, so I'm exaggerating a bit.

It's only the Africanized killer cicadas that do that.

More and more neighborhoods seem to be coming "online" as the little guys continue to emerge and begin to sing. I first heard them last Sunday, but only in a couple of areas. Today, however, it seems like the emergence has moved a further out to the west of DC. But even areas that seemingly were being bypassed before are now being flooded by 17 year olds controlled only by their hormones.... Assuming, of course, insects have hormones.

And while their sound can be downright eerie, that's only when you're hearing a few million of them in the treetops from a distance. If you get one or two of them doing their business in your front yard, the sound becomes downright annoying, almost like a buzzsaw.... A sexually aroused buzzsaw.

This morning I came across what I initially thought was a dead cicada in a parking lot. I gave it a little poke just to make sure, and he--for want of a better term--"grunted" at me (guess that means he's a male, since they're the only ones who make noise). So I prodded him a bit more, and he made the noise again. I decided to a good deed and move him, and when I reached down, he took the initiative and latched onto my hand. So I'm watching this little red-eyed insectoid demon crawling around on me, and all the while he's making little grunting noises. That's when it hit me:

He was trying to mate with my finger! There are few things in this world more disturbing than a gay cicada.

I carried him over to the edge of the lot, and after a few tries, succeeded in flinging him towards some bushes.

Now I'm feeling strangely used and abandoned. You'd think he would at least call or write....

Beam Me Up

One of the very few shows I watch regularly is Enterprise, which is the latest Star Trek series. As a longtime Trek fan, I feel duty bound to keep up with it. Plus, I'm part of a small group of six or so other Trekkers who watch it as well, and we take turns hosting each week's episode.

The show's ratings have been less than stellar, however, and there was some doubt as to whether or not it would be renewed. UPN has finally announced its fall lineup, and fortunately Enterprise made the cut. That good news was somewhat tempered, though, when it was also learned that Enterprise was moving to Fridays from its current Wednesday night slot. My friends--and no doubt many other Trek fans--seem to be interpreting that as a sign that this is its last season. Indeed, the original Star Trek ended its three year run in a Friday night slot on NBC.

Personally I'm not so sure. While it's true that Friday nights are the second lowest TV watching night of the week, that's only because most normal people go out and do things on weekends. They go on dates, go out to a bar, head for the movies, whatever.

However, we're talking about Trekkers in this case, and in general they are the most socially inept crowd in the universe. They have no reason to go out, because they have no actual lives of their own.

So while Enterprise may have been gathering only gathering only three million viewers a week, that same three million will keep watching it in its new time slot. And while three million viewers may be downright pathetic on a Wednesday night, it's not too bad on a Friday.

Need To Work On My Firewall

Uh-oh. Someone's been leaving cicada cookies in my computer.

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Gas Pains
The average price of a gallon of regular gasoline has now passed the $2 mark in the United States.

So much for the cheap oil the anti-war protesters promised us.

A Gay Old Time
Massachusetts today became the first state in the US to officially recognize gay marriages.

At last report, the universe has not imploded, the planet has not reversed direction on its axis, the Earth has not opened up and swallowed the state, and fiery balls of brimstone have not rained from the heavens above. In short, life goes on.

There are, however, disturbing reports of dogs and cats living together.

Hey Baby. Wanna Mate?

Okay, I'm content. Even though I'm yet to actually see one, the cicadas are definitely out. Today is the first day that you can actually hear the little guys. And if you've never experienced a cicada emergence, the sound is best described as the sound a flying saucer makes in a bad 1950's sci-fi movie. It's not exactly a buzz, nor is it quite a hum. And if they're in your neighborhood, there's no escaping the din.

The sound is only made by the male cicada through a pair of drumlike organs called tymbals, and its sole purpose is to attract females to mate with.

This isn't surprising. Chicks always go for musicians.

Hung Like aA Horse

Well, congratulations are in order for Smarty Jones for winning today's Preakness. He is now two thirds of the way to becoming the first Triple Crown winner since 1978.

The final leg of the Crown--the Belmont Stakes--is on June 5. In the meantime, we'll have to endure three weeks of the media's non-stop Triple Crown hype. Then again, maybe it will finally give them something to talk about other than those pictures of naked and tortured cicadas.

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Conditional Support
Vietnam has been found to contain substantial deposits of oil. Most Americans, tired of paying two bucks for a gallon of gas, would no doubt support an invasion in an effort to get their oil.

Provided, of course, Vietnam doesn't become another Iraq.

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Birds Of A Feather
Take a close look at the two birds this image. Examine them closely, watch their habits, study the subtle differences in their behavior, and take notes if necessary. See if you can tell which bird is the male and which one is the female. It can be done, even by a novice with virtually no skills in bird watching.

Don't Bug Me, Man

A lot of people are beginning to complain that despite all the talk about cicadas, no one seems to have actually seen one yet. True, there are plenty of the discarded shells they leave behind after molting, but where are the final products? Quite frankly, if these things don't start turning up as promised by the authorities, an armed insurgency may result.

---------------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star Ledger

Now I'm no entomologist, though I do play one on TV, but my guess is that so far only a small percentage of the total population has emerged. And these early ones, since there are so few of them, are much more likely to be picked off by birds or crazy Frenchmen. But in a few more days, after the remaining billions have ascended into the outside world, there will be far too many of them for their predators to handle.

Either that, or they're hiding alongside Saddam's weapons of mass destruction.

---------------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

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Close Encounters
Mexican air force planes recently encountered--and filmed--11 UFO's. The mysterious lights surrounded the plane, which also picked up several of the objects on radar.

If true, this is absolutely stunning news that will force humanity to rethink the natural order of the universe. I mean, who would ever have thought Mexico had an air force?

"It" Lives

Everyone has been so busy talking about the cicadas that another frightnening species has snuck up behind us and bitten us on our collective behinds. The northern snakehead fish, native to parts of China, has turned up in a Virginia tributary of the Potomac River. The bizarre creature, which is capable of walking short distances on land (which led to its being dubbed "Frankenfish"), caused quite a stir when it was found in a Maryland pond a couple of years ago. That pond was was eventually poisoned and pumped dry by wildlife officials in an effort to eradicate the aquatic interloper.

The concern is that the northern snakehead has no natural predators in North America, and with its voracious appetite, it would rapidly wipe out other, native species normally found in our waters.

And if that weren't bad enough, this so-called Frankenfish, if it's hungry enough, will devour squirrels, cats, and small dogs. It considers young children a delicacy. It will dig up your garden in search of grubs to eat. If thirsty, it will crawl up into your engine compartment and chew through your radiator hose in search of water. When travelling in packs, the snakehead can chase down cattle and carjack automobiles. It will park in handicapped spaces without a permit. If there is a zoo nearby, it will attempt to mate with an elephant just to impress his buddies. It will break into your house, go through your CD collection, and switch the discs around. It will log onto your computer, surf porn sites (it prefers high speed internet connections, so if you have dial-up service, you should be okay), and order embarrassing sex toys in your name. It will use your credit card numbers to log onto eBay and bid on fish supplies. It will steal your DVD player, pawn it, and use the money to buy bottled water. It will raid your refrigerator and leave the door open when done, thereby running up your electric bill. It will show up at cocktail parties, get roaring drunk, and hit on your wife or husband. Then it will loudly sing lewd love songs. It will go the grocery store and boldly butt into the express line with 16 items. It will become the chairman of a large, respected company and run it into the ground until it implodes in a cloud of accounting scandals. After feasting on fresh poodle, it will dive back into the water without waiting a full hour. It is believed to ties to Al Qaeda.

Unfortunately, it does not eat cicadas.

This is indeed a scary animal. Pray that government officials are successful in eradicating it....

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But No Buttery Aftertaste

It appears that my skepticism about the whole cicada thing being a clever ploy by the Bush Administration to take our minds off the calamity known as Iraq may have been unfounded. This morning I did find the outer husk of a cicada that had recently emerged from the ground.

The outer skin was thinner than paper and quite light. Perhaps the best way to describe is to compare it to the stuff you find leftover in the bottom of a bucket of popcorn. Not the actual leftover kernals themselves, but their outer skins you sometimes see in there.

They kind of taste alike, too.

Can You Give Me A Hand?

Northern Virginia was the recent scene of a horrible attack in which a 16 year old's hands were severed by a machete. Fortunately, surgeons were able to reattach the youth's hands, though it is not yet known how much of their use he will be able to recover.

It remains unclear how the victim was able to carry his hands to the hospital.

Where Oh Where Are The Cicadas?
There's still no widespread emergence of cicadas yet, so I'm starting to think this whole thing is some sort of scam perpetrated by Dick Cheney and his cronies at Halliburton.

Does anyone know if they own any bug spray companies?

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Everyone's A Critic
One literary critic has already said that Bill Clinton's upcoming memoirs are expected to sell as well as any of the Harry Potter books.

This really isn't all that surprising if you consider how much Bill and Harry have in common. For example, both are immensely popular, both are world famous, and both have had experience living with witches.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Bugger Off
Though I haven't seen or heard any myself yet, a few cicadas have emerged to wreak terror upon an unsuspecting public. Well, okay, maybe not ENTIRELY unsuspecting, since the advance press coverage of this has become every bit as incessant as the mating cry of the little buggers soon will be. Still, it's a safe bit that when they do come out in force, there will still be people out there wondering what's going on. Must be nice to stagger through life perpetually oblivious to the world around you.

With the temperatures expected to be well into the 80's for the next several days, bugologists (people who study bugs, you ninny) are saying the cicadas will be come out in full force some time this weekend.

Personally, I'm looking forward to the impending invasion. I'll be able to save big bucks on my food bills for the next month or so. My only concern how cicadas fit into the Atkins Diet. I certainly wouldn't want to throw my carb intake out of whack!

Though I don't consider myself a tree hugger, I am intrigued by these little guys. How do they know when their 17 years is up? Do they keep little calendars in their underground burrows? And if so, how do they read them? With little teeny tiny flashlights? And what did they do before Thomas Edison invented the light bulb? Or Fred Eveready developed the flashlight?

As with women in general, I've given up trying to understand Mother Nature.

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Friends No More

Well, tonight is the big farewell for Friends. It's a shame, too, since there are so few quality shows on TV. So much of the drivel that clutters our airways deals with groups of young, attractive people who hang with one another at preppie coffee shops in some big city that it's ridiculous.

That's why I'll miss Friends, and the way Joey, Ross and Chandler used to gather at the Bada Bing Club to decide to wack next. And you could always count on Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica to be dancing naked on the stage behind them.

Wait.... Am I getting my TV shows mixed up again?

Cinco de Miracle Whip
Today is Cinco de Mayo, which commerates the Mexican Army's victory over the French at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.

Jeez.... Is there anyone out there the French haven't surrendered to?

Celebrity Finance
With his house on the verge of foreclosure, Don Johnson has filed for bankruptcy. According to court records, the actor owes $930, 000 to various creditors.

Johnson says he'll be able to get out of the hole just as soon as he begins collecting checks for his new series, Law & Order: Special Washed Up Overdressed TV Cops Who Look Like They Haven't Shaved In Four Days Unit.

Singer turned frightening sexpot Courtney Love has also revealed that she owes millions of dollars as well. She claims, however, that she was swindled out of her money, and that her world famous cocaine habit had nothing to do with it. "I found out my dog walker was making $100,000," says Love, wiping her nose between snorts.

For his part, the dog walker claims he deserved the money because of the constant snarling, biting, humping of strangers' legs, and defecating in the middle of public sidewalks. "But at least the dog was well behaved," he adds.

Shameful

Words can not properly express the disgust I feel towards the soldiers who abused those Iraqi prisoners. They should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves for having bought such disgrace upon themselves, upon their uniforms, and upon themselves. And the excuse of not having been "properly trained" holds no water, for this is not a matter of not knowing "procedure." This is a question of common sense, and using the brains God gave each and every one of us.

I mean, if they wanted to abuse the inmates, that's fine. I have no problem with that in and of itself. Likewise, the Iraqis seemed to have no problem hanging burned American corpses from bridges after dragging them through the streets, so why should I care about the treatment of live prisoners?

But what gets me about this story is that the soldiers photographed themselves heaping abuse on their charges!!!!! What the hell were they thinking? Did these people learn nothing from the Paris Hilton fiasco? Just how did they arrive at the brilliant tactical decision of pulling out a camera? Never, EVER leave photograhic evidence that can come back to haunt you!!! Most of all, what does it say about the American educational system that people this stupid were allowed to graduate from high school?

"Hey, Sarge! I just had a brainstorm! Let's take pictures of ourselves abusing the prisoners!"

"Why, that's a GREAT idea, Private! I'm putting you in for a promotion!"

And what's the deal with the chick that shows up in some of the photos? What's her name, and how long until she ends up on Letterman? You know it's just a matter of time till we find out what her name is. Then it will become a race between Playboy and Penthouse for the honors to show her in all her glory.

Despite the bad first impression she's presented the entire world, I'm sure she's a very nice person. But does she have trouble getting dates? I can see how some guys might be just a bit intimidated by her personals ad:

SWF enjoys long moonlit walks on the beach, music, romantic movies, & climbing on piles of naked, sweat-soaked, screaming, handcuffed men.

Yeah, I'll be answering that one.

Run for the Roses
Tolday is the 130th running of the Kentucky Derby, and for the first time jockeys will be allowed to wear advertising. Some critics say this is a blatant attempt by the horse racing industry to be more like NASCAR, whose own drivers have long worn ads for various sponsers.

Still, I don't see a bunch of animals running in circles approaching the excitement of, say, the Daytona 500. Unless, of course, two horses happen to bump rounding a turn and begin cartwheeling down the track in a flaming ball of twisted steel, burning rubber, and mangled bodies.