Putting It In Perspective

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Blue Eyed Soul
A number of people have told me that there is a reward being offered for blue eyed cicadas (normally their eyes are red). One person said it was $500, another said it was $1000, and I've even heard $10,000. One guy went as far as to tell me that there are "only 625 of them."

Being the cynic I am--though I admit to buying into the whole WMD thing--I told them all that it there's no such critter as a cicada with blue eyes, and that the whole thing is one of those silly internet rumors that people fall for, like that whole Atkins Diet thing.

Still, since I consider myself to be a self-appointed internationally renown cicada expert who once tried to mate with one, I thought I should check into this story further. And as it turns out, I was half right.

Some cicadas do, in fact, have blue eyes. The best guess is that maybe 1% of the total population does.

Alas, there is no reward, however. No one seems to be sure how the rumor started, except that it was supposedly Johns Hopkins University offering it. A spokesperson for the university said not only is the story NOT true, but their biology department doesn't even have an entomologist on the staff.

But enough of what OTHER experts have discovered. Let's talk about my own, personal research into the habits of these little guys.

First of all, you know how nuns in a convent will sometimes synchronize their menstrual cycles? Well, I've found that cicadas do the same thing.

No, not with their menstrual cycles. As far as I've been able to tell, they don't even have periods. And that theory is based on the observation that no female cicada has ever sent her boyfriend out to buy tampons. However, if you a large number of them in close proximity--say within a single tree, or clump of trees--their singing becomes synchronized. You can actually hear the volume rise and ebb every 10 seconds or so.

And an individual cicada kind of sounds like a foghorn. It makes a longer, higher pitched sound, and then a shorter, lower pitched one.

I became so intrigued by these generalized observations that I decided to tag along with a male cicada as he made his rounds. We'll call him Charlie.... Yes, Charlie the Cicada.

Like males of most species, Charlie likes to meet his women in bars. Fortunately, cicadas have a pretty extensive network of drinking establishments. This is certainly understandable, since who among us wouldn't resort to large amounts of alcohol if we knew we only had another two weeks to live?

And fortunately their drinking age is 17.

Charlie: (Approaching a female cicada at the bar) Hey baby, come here often?

Female 1: Get lost.

Charlie: Uh, sure. (Turning to a different female) Hey, baby, What's your sign?

Female 2: What are you, stupid or something? Every last one of us hatched in the second week of August, 1987, and you're asking what sign I am!?!

Charlie: (Approaching a third female) If I told you have a beautiful pair of wings, would you flutter them for me?

Female 3: (Throws drink in Charlie's face) Loser.

(Charlie suddenly realizes he's in a lesbian cicada bar. Decides to try his luck up the street)

Charlie: Say, you have the most beautiful, beadiest red eyes I've ever seen.

Female 4: Thanks! Wanna f*ck?

Charlie: Okay.

(Ten seconds go by...)

Female 4: WOW!!! You were the best of the 372 guys I've mated with today!! Will you call me tomorrow?

Charlie: Uh, yeah, sure thing, baby. Seeya!!!

Female 4: Let me give you my phone number.... HEY!! COME BACK!!

(While flying across the street, Charlie is squashed by a car windshield)

Always Blame The Bug

The nation's capital remains at the mercy of an overwhelming force: Cicadas. The little buggers, once considered harmless by Democrats overly concerned with civil liberties, have recently begun to take on a much more aggressive attitude.

In a recent incident that could easily have turned out tragically, a woman was backing out of her driveway when a cicada--hellbent on causing death and destruction--attacked her. Helpless in the face of this random attack out of the blue, the motorist lost control of her car, took out a fire hydrant, and flooded her entire street.

While the incident looks like nothing more than a fluke accident, the FBI is nonetheless investigating whether the accused insect has ties to the notorious terrorist group Al Ciqaeda.

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---------------Non Sequitor

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Hanging Chads
Congratulations are in order for Fantasia Barrino, the preliminary winner of this year's American Idol competition. What's curious, however, is that while last night's finale drew just over 25 million viewers, over 60 million votes were supposedly cast. How is this possible? Were the votes tallied in Florida or something?

In fact, several of the competitions have resulted in controversial results and charges of improper voting.

Thank God our national elections aren't run so sloppily.

One also has to wonder about the quality and character of the people drawn to this show. Specifically, did anyone bother do a criminal background check on last year's runner up, Clay Aiken? This is a man who has won the hearts of millions of young female fans, but can he be trusted? Has anyone bothered to closely examine the lyrics of his big hit, "Invisible?"

It contains lines such as "I wish I could be a fly on your wall" and "If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room."

Invisible indeed!! This pervert has written a love ballad promoting stalking, for crying out loud!!

Hey Baby

I was hanging out in a bar last night when a woman--whom I had never seen before in my life--walks up to me and said, "Is that a cicada in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Needless to say, I was quite flattered.... Until I remembered that cicadas are only an inch and a half long.

Tarnished Jewel

Jewel recently put on a concert in New Hampshire that can only be described as bizarre. The singer went off on several rants during her performance, insulted the audience, and then yodeled for her encore.

Now I don't mean to jump to any conclusions here, but anyone care to make a prediction as to how long before she ends up in rehab?

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Yummy
Hard as it is to believe, the cicadas are louder and even more plentiful than last week. In many neighborhoods, with the sound measuring above 90 decibels, it is virtually impossible to stay outside for any substantial length of time.

There has been a lot of talk about how some people actually eat these things, and I had been somewhat reluctant to experiment in that regard. However, now that it's apparent that the little lovable fellas are not likely to end up on the endangered species list anytime soon, I decided to take the plunge and try a cicada sandwich.

Unfortunately, things didn't quite work out as planned. They kept crawling off the bread and flying away.

The Joy of Discovery
Judging by my windshield, the insides of cicadas are white and gooey.

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Leaded Or Unleaded?
When most people hear the words "Washington DC," they immediately think of the nation's government, and picture a city populated by boneheaded bureaucrats who sit around making decisions independent of any concept of the real world.

And, well, yeah, okay, that's true.

But it's also a city of real, live people just like you and me. And aside from the President and the Congress and all the other federal bigwigs, there's a local city government that responds to the needs of the local citizenry.

And unfortunately, that local city government is also populated by boneheaded bureaucrats....

For several months now, the city has been trying to come to solve the problem of severe lead contamination of the drinking water. This problem has actually existed for the better part of two years now, but it was only recently that the general public learned about it.

There has been a lot of fingerpointing back and forth between the Mayor's office, the City Council, and various agencies responsible for the safety of what comes out of DC's faucets. No one has been able to figure out what's been going on. The only real solution any one had come up with was to run your water for 5-7 minutes before drinking it.

Well, so much for water conservation.... And don't even think about the effect this would have on your water bills!

But now comes word that the source of the lead may, in fact, be the water meters themselves!!

And these people want to be a state?!?!



P.S.
Credit goes to Coptalk for the Gasbuddy button to your left.

Now if only I could find a similar feed giving the current status of the cicada invasion.....

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Horny Little Bastards

The cicada invasion continues unabated, with thousands of terrified human forced to flee their homes as swarms of bloodthirsty cicadas swoop down and devour the slow and the weak.

Okay, so I'm exaggerating a bit.

It's only the Africanized killer cicadas that do that.

More and more neighborhoods seem to be coming "online" as the little guys continue to emerge and begin to sing. I first heard them last Sunday, but only in a couple of areas. Today, however, it seems like the emergence has moved a further out to the west of DC. But even areas that seemingly were being bypassed before are now being flooded by 17 year olds controlled only by their hormones.... Assuming, of course, insects have hormones.

And while their sound can be downright eerie, that's only when you're hearing a few million of them in the treetops from a distance. If you get one or two of them doing their business in your front yard, the sound becomes downright annoying, almost like a buzzsaw.... A sexually aroused buzzsaw.

This morning I came across what I initially thought was a dead cicada in a parking lot. I gave it a little poke just to make sure, and he--for want of a better term--"grunted" at me (guess that means he's a male, since they're the only ones who make noise). So I prodded him a bit more, and he made the noise again. I decided to a good deed and move him, and when I reached down, he took the initiative and latched onto my hand. So I'm watching this little red-eyed insectoid demon crawling around on me, and all the while he's making little grunting noises. That's when it hit me:

He was trying to mate with my finger! There are few things in this world more disturbing than a gay cicada.

I carried him over to the edge of the lot, and after a few tries, succeeded in flinging him towards some bushes.

Now I'm feeling strangely used and abandoned. You'd think he would at least call or write....

Beam Me Up

One of the very few shows I watch regularly is Enterprise, which is the latest Star Trek series. As a longtime Trek fan, I feel duty bound to keep up with it. Plus, I'm part of a small group of six or so other Trekkers who watch it as well, and we take turns hosting each week's episode.

The show's ratings have been less than stellar, however, and there was some doubt as to whether or not it would be renewed. UPN has finally announced its fall lineup, and fortunately Enterprise made the cut. That good news was somewhat tempered, though, when it was also learned that Enterprise was moving to Fridays from its current Wednesday night slot. My friends--and no doubt many other Trek fans--seem to be interpreting that as a sign that this is its last season. Indeed, the original Star Trek ended its three year run in a Friday night slot on NBC.

Personally I'm not so sure. While it's true that Friday nights are the second lowest TV watching night of the week, that's only because most normal people go out and do things on weekends. They go on dates, go out to a bar, head for the movies, whatever.

However, we're talking about Trekkers in this case, and in general they are the most socially inept crowd in the universe. They have no reason to go out, because they have no actual lives of their own.

So while Enterprise may have been gathering only gathering only three million viewers a week, that same three million will keep watching it in its new time slot. And while three million viewers may be downright pathetic on a Wednesday night, it's not too bad on a Friday.

Need To Work On My Firewall

Uh-oh. Someone's been leaving cicada cookies in my computer.

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Gas Pains
The average price of a gallon of regular gasoline has now passed the $2 mark in the United States.

So much for the cheap oil the anti-war protesters promised us.

A Gay Old Time
Massachusetts today became the first state in the US to officially recognize gay marriages.

At last report, the universe has not imploded, the planet has not reversed direction on its axis, the Earth has not opened up and swallowed the state, and fiery balls of brimstone have not rained from the heavens above. In short, life goes on.

There are, however, disturbing reports of dogs and cats living together.

Hey Baby. Wanna Mate?

Okay, I'm content. Even though I'm yet to actually see one, the cicadas are definitely out. Today is the first day that you can actually hear the little guys. And if you've never experienced a cicada emergence, the sound is best described as the sound a flying saucer makes in a bad 1950's sci-fi movie. It's not exactly a buzz, nor is it quite a hum. And if they're in your neighborhood, there's no escaping the din.

The sound is only made by the male cicada through a pair of drumlike organs called tymbals, and its sole purpose is to attract females to mate with.

This isn't surprising. Chicks always go for musicians.

Hung Like aA Horse

Well, congratulations are in order for Smarty Jones for winning today's Preakness. He is now two thirds of the way to becoming the first Triple Crown winner since 1978.

The final leg of the Crown--the Belmont Stakes--is on June 5. In the meantime, we'll have to endure three weeks of the media's non-stop Triple Crown hype. Then again, maybe it will finally give them something to talk about other than those pictures of naked and tortured cicadas.

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Conditional Support
Vietnam has been found to contain substantial deposits of oil. Most Americans, tired of paying two bucks for a gallon of gas, would no doubt support an invasion in an effort to get their oil.

Provided, of course, Vietnam doesn't become another Iraq.

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Birds Of A Feather
Take a close look at the two birds this image. Examine them closely, watch their habits, study the subtle differences in their behavior, and take notes if necessary. See if you can tell which bird is the male and which one is the female. It can be done, even by a novice with virtually no skills in bird watching.

Don't Bug Me, Man

A lot of people are beginning to complain that despite all the talk about cicadas, no one seems to have actually seen one yet. True, there are plenty of the discarded shells they leave behind after molting, but where are the final products? Quite frankly, if these things don't start turning up as promised by the authorities, an armed insurgency may result.

---------------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star Ledger

Now I'm no entomologist, though I do play one on TV, but my guess is that so far only a small percentage of the total population has emerged. And these early ones, since there are so few of them, are much more likely to be picked off by birds or crazy Frenchmen. But in a few more days, after the remaining billions have ascended into the outside world, there will be far too many of them for their predators to handle.

Either that, or they're hiding alongside Saddam's weapons of mass destruction.

---------------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

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Close Encounters
Mexican air force planes recently encountered--and filmed--11 UFO's. The mysterious lights surrounded the plane, which also picked up several of the objects on radar.

If true, this is absolutely stunning news that will force humanity to rethink the natural order of the universe. I mean, who would ever have thought Mexico had an air force?

"It" Lives

Everyone has been so busy talking about the cicadas that another frightnening species has snuck up behind us and bitten us on our collective behinds. The northern snakehead fish, native to parts of China, has turned up in a Virginia tributary of the Potomac River. The bizarre creature, which is capable of walking short distances on land (which led to its being dubbed "Frankenfish"), caused quite a stir when it was found in a Maryland pond a couple of years ago. That pond was was eventually poisoned and pumped dry by wildlife officials in an effort to eradicate the aquatic interloper.

The concern is that the northern snakehead has no natural predators in North America, and with its voracious appetite, it would rapidly wipe out other, native species normally found in our waters.

And if that weren't bad enough, this so-called Frankenfish, if it's hungry enough, will devour squirrels, cats, and small dogs. It considers young children a delicacy. It will dig up your garden in search of grubs to eat. If thirsty, it will crawl up into your engine compartment and chew through your radiator hose in search of water. When travelling in packs, the snakehead can chase down cattle and carjack automobiles. It will park in handicapped spaces without a permit. If there is a zoo nearby, it will attempt to mate with an elephant just to impress his buddies. It will break into your house, go through your CD collection, and switch the discs around. It will log onto your computer, surf porn sites (it prefers high speed internet connections, so if you have dial-up service, you should be okay), and order embarrassing sex toys in your name. It will use your credit card numbers to log onto eBay and bid on fish supplies. It will steal your DVD player, pawn it, and use the money to buy bottled water. It will raid your refrigerator and leave the door open when done, thereby running up your electric bill. It will show up at cocktail parties, get roaring drunk, and hit on your wife or husband. Then it will loudly sing lewd love songs. It will go the grocery store and boldly butt into the express line with 16 items. It will become the chairman of a large, respected company and run it into the ground until it implodes in a cloud of accounting scandals. After feasting on fresh poodle, it will dive back into the water without waiting a full hour. It is believed to ties to Al Qaeda.

Unfortunately, it does not eat cicadas.

This is indeed a scary animal. Pray that government officials are successful in eradicating it....

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But No Buttery Aftertaste

It appears that my skepticism about the whole cicada thing being a clever ploy by the Bush Administration to take our minds off the calamity known as Iraq may have been unfounded. This morning I did find the outer husk of a cicada that had recently emerged from the ground.

The outer skin was thinner than paper and quite light. Perhaps the best way to describe is to compare it to the stuff you find leftover in the bottom of a bucket of popcorn. Not the actual leftover kernals themselves, but their outer skins you sometimes see in there.

They kind of taste alike, too.

Can You Give Me A Hand?

Northern Virginia was the recent scene of a horrible attack in which a 16 year old's hands were severed by a machete. Fortunately, surgeons were able to reattach the youth's hands, though it is not yet known how much of their use he will be able to recover.

It remains unclear how the victim was able to carry his hands to the hospital.

Where Oh Where Are The Cicadas?
There's still no widespread emergence of cicadas yet, so I'm starting to think this whole thing is some sort of scam perpetrated by Dick Cheney and his cronies at Halliburton.

Does anyone know if they own any bug spray companies?

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Everyone's A Critic
One literary critic has already said that Bill Clinton's upcoming memoirs are expected to sell as well as any of the Harry Potter books.

This really isn't all that surprising if you consider how much Bill and Harry have in common. For example, both are immensely popular, both are world famous, and both have had experience living with witches.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Bugger Off
Though I haven't seen or heard any myself yet, a few cicadas have emerged to wreak terror upon an unsuspecting public. Well, okay, maybe not ENTIRELY unsuspecting, since the advance press coverage of this has become every bit as incessant as the mating cry of the little buggers soon will be. Still, it's a safe bit that when they do come out in force, there will still be people out there wondering what's going on. Must be nice to stagger through life perpetually oblivious to the world around you.

With the temperatures expected to be well into the 80's for the next several days, bugologists (people who study bugs, you ninny) are saying the cicadas will be come out in full force some time this weekend.

Personally, I'm looking forward to the impending invasion. I'll be able to save big bucks on my food bills for the next month or so. My only concern how cicadas fit into the Atkins Diet. I certainly wouldn't want to throw my carb intake out of whack!

Though I don't consider myself a tree hugger, I am intrigued by these little guys. How do they know when their 17 years is up? Do they keep little calendars in their underground burrows? And if so, how do they read them? With little teeny tiny flashlights? And what did they do before Thomas Edison invented the light bulb? Or Fred Eveready developed the flashlight?

As with women in general, I've given up trying to understand Mother Nature.

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Friends No More

Well, tonight is the big farewell for Friends. It's a shame, too, since there are so few quality shows on TV. So much of the drivel that clutters our airways deals with groups of young, attractive people who hang with one another at preppie coffee shops in some big city that it's ridiculous.

That's why I'll miss Friends, and the way Joey, Ross and Chandler used to gather at the Bada Bing Club to decide to wack next. And you could always count on Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica to be dancing naked on the stage behind them.

Wait.... Am I getting my TV shows mixed up again?

Cinco de Miracle Whip
Today is Cinco de Mayo, which commerates the Mexican Army's victory over the French at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.

Jeez.... Is there anyone out there the French haven't surrendered to?

Celebrity Finance
With his house on the verge of foreclosure, Don Johnson has filed for bankruptcy. According to court records, the actor owes $930, 000 to various creditors.

Johnson says he'll be able to get out of the hole just as soon as he begins collecting checks for his new series, Law & Order: Special Washed Up Overdressed TV Cops Who Look Like They Haven't Shaved In Four Days Unit.

Singer turned frightening sexpot Courtney Love has also revealed that she owes millions of dollars as well. She claims, however, that she was swindled out of her money, and that her world famous cocaine habit had nothing to do with it. "I found out my dog walker was making $100,000," says Love, wiping her nose between snorts.

For his part, the dog walker claims he deserved the money because of the constant snarling, biting, humping of strangers' legs, and defecating in the middle of public sidewalks. "But at least the dog was well behaved," he adds.

Shameful

Words can not properly express the disgust I feel towards the soldiers who abused those Iraqi prisoners. They should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves for having bought such disgrace upon themselves, upon their uniforms, and upon themselves. And the excuse of not having been "properly trained" holds no water, for this is not a matter of not knowing "procedure." This is a question of common sense, and using the brains God gave each and every one of us.

I mean, if they wanted to abuse the inmates, that's fine. I have no problem with that in and of itself. Likewise, the Iraqis seemed to have no problem hanging burned American corpses from bridges after dragging them through the streets, so why should I care about the treatment of live prisoners?

But what gets me about this story is that the soldiers photographed themselves heaping abuse on their charges!!!!! What the hell were they thinking? Did these people learn nothing from the Paris Hilton fiasco? Just how did they arrive at the brilliant tactical decision of pulling out a camera? Never, EVER leave photograhic evidence that can come back to haunt you!!! Most of all, what does it say about the American educational system that people this stupid were allowed to graduate from high school?

"Hey, Sarge! I just had a brainstorm! Let's take pictures of ourselves abusing the prisoners!"

"Why, that's a GREAT idea, Private! I'm putting you in for a promotion!"

And what's the deal with the chick that shows up in some of the photos? What's her name, and how long until she ends up on Letterman? You know it's just a matter of time till we find out what her name is. Then it will become a race between Playboy and Penthouse for the honors to show her in all her glory.

Despite the bad first impression she's presented the entire world, I'm sure she's a very nice person. But does she have trouble getting dates? I can see how some guys might be just a bit intimidated by her personals ad:

SWF enjoys long moonlit walks on the beach, music, romantic movies, & climbing on piles of naked, sweat-soaked, screaming, handcuffed men.

Yeah, I'll be answering that one.

Run for the Roses
Tolday is the 130th running of the Kentucky Derby, and for the first time jockeys will be allowed to wear advertising. Some critics say this is a blatant attempt by the horse racing industry to be more like NASCAR, whose own drivers have long worn ads for various sponsers.

Still, I don't see a bunch of animals running in circles approaching the excitement of, say, the Daytona 500. Unless, of course, two horses happen to bump rounding a turn and begin cartwheeling down the track in a flaming ball of twisted steel, burning rubber, and mangled bodies.

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But Can He Also Chew Gum at the Same Time?
The President and Vice President spent several hours yesterday "testifying" before the 9-11 commision. Despite some criticism from democrats that the two were allowed to testify together, a number of interesting things were learned.

For example, George Bush can actually talk while Cheney drinks a glass of water.

---------------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star Ledger

SprintPCSucks

It's time for a rant.... And yes, this is a true story.

I have been with SprintPCS (and Sprint Spectrum before that) for about 8 years now. In general, I've been happy with them. I even use my cellphone to connect my laptap to the internet. Yes, it's slow, but at five bucks a month, it beats the pants off AOL. And like any long term relationship, Sprint and I have had our ups and downs. Yet in the end, we've always kissed and made up. The makeup sex was always worth the wait, even if it was a bit tricky with that retractable antenna.

Until now.

But my dealings with their alleged Customer Care Department over the past two days goes beyond anything I've ever experienced with them before, and may even rival the record levels of boneheadedness achieved by the Bush Administration.

Back in March I switched to their new 7 PM Nights & Weekends plan. And when I did so, I specifically made sure that my new plan would include the wireless web access. I was assured that it did. And since I no longer had to worry about my evening minutes, I could spend as much time on the computer as I wanted.... Or at least until the phone battery died.

So when I went in to pay my April bill a couple of days ago at their little in-store kiosk, I was more than a little surprised to see that I owed $308 instead of the expected $55.

My first mistake: As soon as I got back out to the car, I called their Customer Annoyance Dept. All this first lady was able to tell me was that yes, they had me down for the Nights & Weekends at 7 deal. The extra charges were for exceeding my daytime minutes. "But that's impossible," I said. Her response was a helpful "You owe us $308."

My next step in my desperate bid to clear my name was to hit the golf course. No, wait, that's how O.J. spends his time trying to clear his name..... In my case, I hightailed it down to the library and went online to check the particulars of my bill. Sure enough, towards the end of my billing cycle, I started getting charged for my wireless web calls between 7PM and 9PM. But the voice calls in the same time frame were free. This was certainly odd.

My second mistake: So later that afternoon I called Sprint's Customer Aggravation Dept. back and this time got a different lady. I told her the situation. She looked at my account and said no, I had not been charged for any calls after 7 PM. I assured her that I had been, and had even seen the evidence on my account when I pulled up my last invoice.

"No, you haven't. You were only charged for exceeding your daytime minutes before 7 PM."

"But I just reviewed my account on a computer, and almost all the overcharges were between 7PM and 9PM."

"No, they weren't. You have Unlimited Nights and Weekends."

"I know that," I said through clenched teeth. I could sense the steam beginning to emerge from my ears. "But I was nonetheless charged. Look it up."

Well, give me the line number of one of the items in question.

"I don't have the line number," I said. "I don't actually have the bill with me. But I did see this on my account on the computer. All you have to do is scroll through the calls."

"No."

"No? What do you mean 'no?'"

"No, I won't do that. I need the line number."

Needless to say, this soon devolved into a shouting match, ending with her assurances that I most certainly owe her employer $308.

So that evening when I got home, I immediately went hunting for my bill. It took a while, but unlike Bush and those elusive weapons of mass destruction, I eventually found what I was looking for.

So yesterday morning, I foolishly embarked on my third mistake by calling Sprint's Hey Phil, Let's See How Many Customers We Can Piss Off Today Dept. This time I got a guy, perhaps even Phil himself. I innocently thought this was a good thing, because a guy--unlike those women--would certainly know what he's talking about.

Oh, how very, very, very, VERY wrong I was....

I proceed to tell this guy what's been going on, and that I have my bill with me.

He looks up my account and promptly tells me that I don't I have the wireless web access.

"Yes I do," I say. "I've had it since 2000, and I'm paying $5 a month extra for it." Meanwhile, alarms are going off warning me of dangerously high steam pressure in my head.

So he puts me on hold while he "researches" it. The guy then comes back on the line and tells me that the wireless web access was only added to my account on March 16. Furthermore, that $5 only entitles me to 50 text messages a month. It does NOT entitle me to download data, and THAT's what those extra charges on my bill are for.

"No, no, NO!!!" I scream into the phone.

"Yes, yes, YES" he shouts right back at me, laughing. Yes, that's right. Mr. Customer Service is laughing at an irate customer.

It's at this point that I realize I'm not only dealing with a moron, I'm dealing with a SMARTASS moron. And of all the different kinds of morons that have plagued humanity over the ages, the SMARTASS morons are the worst. The problem is not just that they're too stupid to realize they're morons; that's a fairly typical trait of morons in general. No, the SMARTASS morons go beyond that by thinking that they are actually being smart and clever and witty and know infinitely much more about their jobs than the stupid customer on the phone.

I even go as far as to ask to speak to a supervisor, but the SMARTASS moron flat out refuses my request. "He'll just tell you the same thing," the SMARTASS moron says. And this may quite possibly have been the first time I've ever been refused a request to speak to a supervisor.

We argue a little bit more, but it slowly becomes obvious that the situation is comparable to arguing with a Shiite cleric who shows his gratitude for being freed from brutal oppression by blowing you up.

I hang up on the SMARTASS moron and decide to head back to the Sprint store. I'm not optimistic about my chances at this point, because I know from past experience that Sprint's retail people don't like to get involved in billing issues. They will instead refer you to their We're Here To F*ck With You Until You Get So Pissed Off You Decide To Switch To Verizon Dept.

I get the assistant manager, fall to my knees, and tearfully beg him NOT to refer to the Aggravate Our Customers Until Their Blood Pressure Skyrockets And They Suffer A Stroke Dept. Then I tell him my problem, and briefly describe my earlier trials and tribulations. He pulls up my account and within 30 seconds finds the problem: A coding error. He even flipped the screen around to show me what was going on.

As it turns out, the voice calls and the wireless web calls have to coded separately for the 7PM changeover to unlimited nighttime minutes. And when I had called their I'm A Total Idiot And I'm The One Who Is Going To Represent SprintPCS To Our Customers Dept. last month, the guy correctly coded the voice calls, but then neglected to change the code the wireless web package. In short: Yes, it was Sprint's mistake.

After doublechecking the situation with someone COMPETENT at their HQ, he removed almost $240 worth of overcharges from my account.

So in the end, Sprint admitted its error and all was made right. But was all the other aggravation really necessary? It took the guy in the store--who's not even really trained for this--half a minute to find the problem. Yet three other employees--who supposedly were trained to deal with customer problems--were not only unable but unwilling to deal with my issues. And suppose I had been a Sprint customer some place where they didn't have any retail stores? What then? That poor lost soul's head would have exploded from all the pent up pressure!!

Sprint is the number three cellphone service provider in the United States. But if they continue to abuse their customers like this, it will soon become number four.

But What About the Plumbers?
Legislators in Louisiana are considering a bill to outlaw low riding-pants. That means no exposure of one's underwear, thongs, other "intimate clothing," or skin.

Violators would be subject to either a $500 fine or six months in jail.

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---------------KAL, Baltimore Sun

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Hide Your Children
Michael Jackson has fired his legal team of Mark Geragos and Benjamin Brafman.

No official reason was given, but Omarosa probably had something to do with it.

Where'd That House Come From?
Congratulations to Billy Joel, who has just had his third hit in two years.

Some music critics may complain, however, that lately Joel has been achieving his hits through poor driving rather than skillful songwriting, but that's to be expected. Critics generally tend to be a picky bunch.

In his most recent hit, Joel crashed his VW into a house. Though the accident is still under investigation, police say that preliminary findings indicate that the house was not in a marked crosswalk at the time.

----------Michael Ramirez, LA Times

Is That Shrapnel in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
There has been a lot of debate about John Kerry's war record lately. Some critics are questioning whether he truly deserved those three Purple Hearts, or if he merely used them as an excuse to get out of the military early.

I don't know what the truth of the matter is. I don't particulary care if he got those medals for paper cuts or for severed limbs. Regardless of the circumstances under which they were awarded, the irrefutable bottom line is that John Kerry shed more blood in Vietnam on any one of those occasions than George Bush did during the entire war.

And speaking of war, Steve at littletinylies.com has written a wonderfully worded piece about Pat Tillman.

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Which Nigerian Scammer.... Er, Spammer Are You?
Take the quiz to find out!

----------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

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Terrorism of a Different Kind
Did you know this is TV Turnoff Week? What kind of sick, twisted, demented, evil mind came up with this unspeakable monstrosity? Probably some self-righteous college educated intellectual type!

If someone wants to not watch commercial TV because it sucks, that's fine. That's why we have cable, and why I sometimes sit in my recliner watching TVLand until the front of my shirt is soaked with my own drool. But to condemn the very concept of television as a whole is just plain wrong.

Apparently the idea behind this hideous concept is to spend more time with your family, get to know your kids, and other such drivel. Well, maybe some of us intentionally avoid such things. Hell, if you had to live with my relatives, you'd want to retreat into a fantasy world of talking horses and lovable castaways on a deserted island too! Either that, or start drinking heavily.

I grew up watching a LOT of TV, and I turned out perfectly fine.

Though I do have an annoying habit of dropping anvils on people's heads.....

Fine Art

Coalition of the Leaving
Yesterday Spain formally announced it is withdrawing its troops from Iraq, and today Honduras followed suit. And now Thailand has said it will withdraw its troops if they are attacked.

Hmmm.... Soldiers in a warzone? Yeah, I can see how an attack would come as a total shock.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

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And Spare the Remote Too
A 17 year old in Florida has been charged with hiring an undercover police officer posing as a hitman to kill his mother.

On the surface, this may sound disturbing. But the kid did instruct the would-be hitman not to damage the TV during the attack.

Well, thank God he at least had his priorities straight!

Missed Warnings
I went to see the remake of The Alamo last night, and quite frankly, I was very disappointed. Sorry, but Billy Bob Thornton just doesn't hold a candle to John Wayne.

The first half of the movie was okay with plenty of action. But then the plot bogged down when the FBI, the CIA, and President Andrew Jackson began accusing one another of failing to warn Davy Crockett that Santa Anna was about to attack.

----------Bob Rogers, Pittsburgh Post Gazette

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One Hell of a Value
Remember that big tanker truck in Connecticut last month that destroyed the overpass? Well, Sarah Waddle--the motorist who caused it--has been issued a $128 ticket for "failure to drive in the established lane."

That's it? 128 bucks?!?! They should send her a bill for the full $14 million it's going to cost to clean up the mess she made!

Hungry? You Won't Be in a Moment

By now, pretty much everyone knows that billions of Al Qaeda trained cicadas will soon be descending upon the eastern United States. It is expected that many of the critters will launch suicide attacks upon car windshields and women's hairdos. The White House will be closely monitering the constantly evolving threat matrix through a series of highly classified memos that no one will bother to read.

Ordinary citizens, however, are approaching the situation in other ways. Some find cicadas fascinating, and even use their appearance to mark milestones in their lives.

Others, however, are taking matters into their own hands--or mouths--as they prepare to greet the bugs by.... Eating them. Yes, it's true: Some people consider cicadas to be a culinary delicacy, though it is not immediately clear how their consumption fits into the Atkins Diet.

Oh, and it should be pointed out that this guy is French. That may well explain everything.

Maybe It Was Actually an IRS Agent
A customer at a Lowe's in Oklahoma was bitten by a rattlesnake while looking through the garden center of the store.

I knew there was a reason I've always been more of a Home Depot man.

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Hold Still

----------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

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Mickey D's Turns 49
The very first McDonald's opened on this day in 1955 in Illinois. I wonder if they had a kid out front holding up signs like "1 served," "2 served," and so forth whenever a customer ordered something?

Apples and Oranges
An increasing number of critics are likening Iraq to Vietnam, and last night President Bush said the comparison is completely false.

I have to agree with the President on this one.

Vietnam had a lot more trees.

Answers? Well, Maybe....
President Bush will be holding a news conference tonight, and many of the questions are expected to deal with the various 9-11 related memos, reports, and briefings that keep popping out of the woodwork like termites.

However, I don't plan to watch it live. If I were to do so, I'd run the risk of making up my own mind based on first hand information. I would much rather read the various reviews and commentaries tomorrow so someone else can tell me what I'm supposed to think. Life is much simpler that way.

Too bad Bush didn't decide to wait till Thursday night to do this. That way he could have pissed off half the country by pre-empting the conclusion of The Apprentice.

Oh, wait. Half the country already is pissed at him.

I happened to catch part of the Masters Tournament yesterday. It had a pretty exciting finish, with Phil Mickelson finally winning his first major tournament in 22 years as a pro. And what happened to Tiger Woods? Last anyone saw him, he was still hunting for his ball in the woods.

Speaking of golf, that's one hell of a sandtrap President Bush has gotten himself stuck in.

Easter, 2004

A Matter of Perception
Remember Gary Condit? He's the married California congressman who had the affair with Chandra Levy, the government intern who went missing.

During the course of the Levy investigation, Condit did everything possible to make himself appear guilty. He initially denied any romantic involvement with intern, stonewalled the police, was callous towards her parents, and was just an all around evasive jerk with the press. And the more he denied being responsible for her disappearance, the more the rest of us became convinced he had something to hide. His gross mishandling of the matter eventually cost him his reelection bid.

Condit was eventually cleared of involvement in the Levy murder, and police now have a pretty good idea of who was responsible. But how many people care--or even know--that the congressman was innocent? Not a whole lot. In the public's mind he will always be held responsible for the death of that young woman.

Like Gary Condit, George Bush appears to be doing everything possible to make it appear he has something to hide regarding 9/11. Until recently, no reasonable Americans held him in way responsible for somehow being negligent and allowing those attacks to occur on his watch. After all, the hijackers were meticulous in their planning and equally methodical in their follow through.

So how has the Bush Administration handled the 9/11 commission's investigation? By taking a page from the Gary Condit playbook.

First, the White House fought extending the Commission's life past its original
But under pressure from not only democrats but fellow republicans, Bush came out and said it was important to let them do their job. Their mandate was thus extended.

After Richard Clarke's bombshells, the White House initially wouldn't allow Condi Rice to testify. Oh, absolutely she would be able to refute Clarke, but letting her testify under oath would set a bad precedent. Again, it was only after a massive firestorm of controversy that the Bush people dropped their opposition.

Rice has said repeatedly that she and Bush were well aware of the threat posed by terrorists, and the matter was a top priority. Then about a week ago we discover that she was scheduled to deliver a speech 9/11/2001 about national security. The address supposedly makes minimal mention of bin Laden and Al Qaeda, instead concentrating on the growing threat of ballistic missiles for rogue states such as Iraq and North Korea. Again, rather than allowing the matter to die a quick death, the White House is prolonging the controversy by blocking the release of the full text of Rice's speech.

But the absolute kicker was yesterday's revelation of an August 8 CIA memo warning that bin Laden wanted to strike within the United States itself. Again, the White House's position is that this memo is mostly "background" material and of no real value to the investigation. And because it is so utterly without value, the White House was keeping the document classified.

The White House now says the memo will be declassified, but again, it took a massive amount of public pressure to force their hand.

Sometimes actual guilt or innocence is irrelevant. What matters is the perception of guilt or innocence.

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----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

----------Oliphant

----------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

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Attention! Attention!
A new study from the International Institute of People Who Do Loads of Studies suggests that youngsters who spend a lot of time watching TV are far more likely to develop short attention spans.

This isn't surprising. Smart people with high IQ's are always putting down anything that appeals to the common folk, and this latest assertion of theirs has absolutely no basis in

Bugs Bunny is on!!! That Bugs is

Ooooo!!!! Look at the pretty butterfly!!! Isn't it amazing how Mother Nature can

What's this keyboard doing in front of me?

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is? Does Anybody Really Care?
Well, today is the first day of Daylight Savings Time. The "Changing of the Clocks" is a time honored semi-annual ritual designed to confuse the hell out of everyone. It also provides people with an added incentive to leave their VCR's blinking "12:00." Either that, or find the damn instruction manual to figure out to program the camn thing, except you no longer have the manual because you tore it up out of frustration when you couldn't decipher the instructions for programming the clock six months ago.

The best way to remember what direction to move your clocks is "Spring ahead, fall back." Because when you jump--or spring--you go forward. Likewise, if your carotid artery suddenly becomes clogged because of one too many Big Macs, you're more likely to fall back.

Then again, it could be "Spring back, fall ahead," because if you suddenly see a venomous cobra in the middle of your living room, your first instinct will be to spring back. Likewise, if you're walking, and you trip over an abandoned RPG launcher (assuming you're in Baghdad) you'll fall forward.

But most importantly, Daylight Savings Time provides farmers with an extra hour of daylight they mysteriously would not have had under standard time. This provides them with more time to work on tilling their fields and harvesting their crops, until the bank forecloses on the note and resells the land at firesale prices to a developer who'll then put up several hundred townhouses with backyards the size of a frikkin' postage stamp. After all, catering to the wishes of farmers is important in an agrarian based society such as ours.

Bug Off

Late last year one of the local meteorologists (from the latin for "people who get paid ridiculous amounts of money for doing their job correctly less than 25% of the time") was commenting about DC's near record rainfall for 2003. He then pointed out some of the other wild weather we had had over the previous two years: Tornados, blizzards, icestorms, floods, extreme drought in 2002, and a hurricane. Then he jokingly remarked that the only thing we had NOT yet had were a plague of locusts and volcanic eruptions.

Now we learn that the locusts will, in fact, be here in another month or so. The 17 year cicadas last emerged from the ground in 1987 for their brief fling with flight, which means their alarm clocks will soon be going off. In fact, that's what that constant din that they're famous for is: Their alarm clocks. And they're so eager to get up and out, that they forget to switch the buzzers off. That's certainly understanble. Chances are you'd be the same way, too, if you haven't been laid in 17 years.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm stocking up on sandbags to ward off the lava flows.

----------Bill Schorr, United Media

Got Gas?
In the months leading up to the invasion of Iraq, one of the principle arguments put forth by the screaming loudmouth long-haired hippy anti-war activists was that it was all about getting access to cheap oil. Well, it did seem to make sense at the time, and so I foolishly bought into the idea. The idea that Bush and Cheney would invade another country just to please their big campaign donors certainly seemed plausible.

Based on that, as well as the fact that I occasionally buy gasoline, I became a fervent supporter of the war.

So now here we are a year later, and the price of regular unleaded is on the verge of hitting two bucks a gallon. With OPEC's cutback in production announced today, it may even end up hitting three dollars before long.

It just goes to show you: Never trust a liberal.

Rice to Talk
For someone who can't talk about 9-11, Condoleeza Rice has certainly been talking a lot to the press about why she can't talk about 9-11 even though she would really love to talk about 9-11, and, oh by the way, that Richard Clarke guy is a lying sack of crap. Now there's word that she will, after all, be testifying under oath to the commission investigating the attacks.

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Daily News

Clarke's testimony last week about how the Administration was obsessing on Iraq certainly seems true when one considers the fervor with which Bush went after Saddam. Even now, the President denies that the hunt for bin Laden was put on the backburner while preparing to invade Iraq. Now comes word that members of a special forces unit with expertise in the middle east were pulled out of Afghanistan in 2002 in order to concentrate on Iraq.

Even so, could the 9-11 attacks have been prevented? I seriously doubt it. As former Defense Secretary William Cohen put it, neither the American public nor world opinion would have stood for a US attack on Afghanistan prior to that day.

Taking that a step further, Americans really didn't care about terrorism. Yes, it was a terrible thing, but it wasn't something that ever happened right here on American soil. Terrorism was always something that happened somewhere else, perhaps in Africa, or some godforsaken harbor in a country no one had ever heard of. And the targets were always something representative of the US government itself, or our military. But right here in our backyards? Purely civilian targets?

Nah. Never.

And can you imagine what would have happened if Bush had announced early on the morning of 9-11 that all flights within the United States were being grounded because of a possible terrorist attack. People would not have stood for it, and would have branded him as a wacko trying to legitimize his controversial win less than a year before.

Okay, so some may still want to make that argument, but that's not my point.

And look at the public's reaction to three previous terror threats here at home. First, of course, was the '93 attack on the World Trade Center. That case had been closed & the perpetrators were rotting in jail. People had all but forgotten about it.

The second, perhaps more scary incident, was in 1995 when another Islamic group in New York had plotted to blow up a bridge, two tunnels, and the United Nations. By all rights, that should have been a huge story, but for the most part it ended being buried in the back pages of newspapers.

And finally there was the so-called millenium bombing attempt in December of 1999. That was only foiled because of an alert customs agent at the Canadian border. Again, that's a story that received scant coverage even after the suspect was tied to terror training camps in Afghanistan.

----------Bob Rogers, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

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Not a Prayer
Pope John Paul II yesterday said that Sundays should be a day of prayer, reflection, and rest, and not devoted to trivial matters like sports or entertainment.

Well, at least I think that's what he said. I was kinda busy watching Georgia Tech kick Kansas' ass in overtime.

To Quote Sgt. Schultz: "I Know Nut-ting!!"

Four days of hearings by the 9-11 commission have provided us with important new information about who didn't know anything until they were told nothing by nobody who didn't know nothing about anything either until someone found out something about something they didn't know who to tell so they didn't tell anyone though it turns out everyone knew something about something though not enough to know everything about everything because no one was telling anything to anyone with the end result that no one knew everything about anything.

And that's why 3000 people died.

How Primitive!
I feel like such a loser. All my cellphone does is make phonecalls.

And Get Me a Beer While You're Up
Today marks the 50th anniversary of the first mass-produced color TV set. It was from RCA, had a 12" screen, and sold for about $1000.

One can only hope that man's greatest invention, the recliner, had already been developed.

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Pride in One's Work
Explosives were found yesterday along a rail line in France. It is the second such discovery in just over a month. A previously unknown group calling itself AZF has claimed responsibility for the foiled incidents.

Today, however, the group released another letter saying it will suspend it's threats until it improves the quality of its explosives.

Hey, they may be terrorists, but at least they're polite terrorists.

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One of the Seven Signs?
What is this world coming to when Richard Simmons starts beating up people?

Yes, it's true. The fitness guru has been charged with assault after reportedly slapping a man at the Phoenix Airport last night. The victim's name was not immediately available.

That's certainly understandable. If I had gotten my ass kicked by Simmons, I'd want to remain anonymous, too.

Venus Non-Flytrap
If you haven't already done so, go outside tonight and take a look at the moon and the planet Venus--it looks like they're practically touching. In reality, of course, they're at least several dozen miles apart, but the effect is still pretty cool. Is there such a thing as a "venusian" eclipse? If so, we're pretty close to it at the moment.

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Paging Biggus Dickus
Word is that Monty Python's Life of Brian will be in theaters again later this spring. The re-release is intended to mark the blasphemous film's 25th anniversary, which created it's own firestorm of controversy in 1979. The timing is also intended to capitalize on the publicity surrounding Mel Gibson's take on Christ's crucifixion.

Life of Brian is arguably the single funniest movie ever made by intelligent lifeforms on Earth and/or Mars. The other three principle contenders for this honor would have to be Monty Python's Holy Grail, Airplane, and Gigli.

Incidentally, after three weeks on top, The Passion of the Christ has slipped to number two at the box office. It was replaced by Dawn of the Dead, which is also about people coming back from the dead.

And if that's not irony, I don't know what is.

So Much for the Arrival of Spring....
It was probably about 25 or so when I went outside this morning, with a stiff wind blowing. It was so cold this morning--

Audience: How.... Cold.... Was.... It?

It was so cold this morning I literally froze my balls off! Yes, literally!! All three of them snapped right off, rolled down my right pants leg (yes, I dress to the right. Well, used to), and shattered on the sidewalk.

More Passion
Mel Gibson, never one to sit around, is already hard at work on several new projects as he seeks to capitalize on the astounding success of The Passion of the Christ. First among these is the inevitable sequel, Jesus: Beyond Thunderdome*, in which the savior must do battle with Satan herself, played by Grace Jones. It is tentatively slated for a Christmas '05 release.

After that, he plans to begin filming Something About Mary Magdalene. Cameron Diaz has already been signed to star in this wacky comedy as Jesus' girlfriend. Gibson is also reportedly in negotiations with Steve Martin to play Judas in the story of the 12 apostles, Cheaper by the Dozen.

And in a move that has some critics accusing the Oscar winning director of playing fast and loose with the bible, Gibson has been scouting south sea locales for Master and Commandments, in which Russell Crowe will play a swashbuckling Moses.



*Thanks to Carmine for that one.

Happy Anniversary

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

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The Devil, You Say
Actress Mercedes McCambridge recntly passed away at the age of 85. And while you may never have heard of her, you've most certainly heard her. One of McCambridge's best known movies is one that she never actually appeared in: She was the voice of the devil in The Exorcist.

Close Call (hopefully)
NASA scientists say that a 100 foot wide asteroid will pass within 26,500 miles of the Earth at 5:08 PM EST today. This is the closest documented encounter ever with a space rock. It will even be visible to Earthbound observers in the southern hemisphere through binoculars.

If the asteroid were to, in fact, strike the Earth, it would do substantial damage, though it wouldn't necessarily be a civilization-ending calamity. That responsibility falls to executives at Fox Television's entertainment division.

NASA scientists say there is absolutely no danger of a collision. These are presumably the same scientists who a few years caused the fiery demise of the Mars Polar Lander when they inadvertently used English calculations rather than metric.

Start screaming now.

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Spain
It's hard to know what to make of Spain's election results. One hopes that a large part of it was due to voters' disgust with their government's attempt to blame it on Basque separatists.

The danger, however, is how those results will be viewed by bin Laden and his followers. They may not care what message the voters were trying to send; they'll only see that Spain is withdrawing its troops from Iraq. In the end, such a perception of weakness can only lead to more terror.

----------Mike Ramirez, Los Angeles Times

I've said before that while I initially backed our invasion of Iraq, that support was based on it being an integral part of the War on Terror. Once it became apparent that there were no terrorists or WMD's waiting to be unleashed upon the US, my support went down the toilet. We had no business wasting our time, our resources, and our soldiers lives on toppling Hussein.

The unfortunate truth is that if we had concentrated our resources on tracking down bin Laden an rebuilding Afghanistan, THAT would have done more to discourage the terrorists than any other course of action. Creating a successful democracy in that troubled and divided land would have been an inspiration to people in other nearby oppressed nations.

Instead we're now left spinning our wheels in BOTH Iraq and Afghanistan while our former allies scramble to distance themselves from us.

I know many will insist that our invasion of Iraq was right and just and that the rest of the world is wrong. But think about that a moment: The very fact that we ARE almost by ourselves, and that everyone else says WE'RE the ones who are wrong should say something as well.

----------Oliphant

Another Reason to Wear Clean Shorts
The state of Virginia, in conjunction with the National Weather Service, held a "tornado preparedness drill" today. Its purpose was to test the NWS' ability to issue alerts, as well as the speed with which schools and other local government agencies could respond to emergencies.

While Virginia doesn't get a lot of twisters, it is nonetheless good to be prepared and to able to act in an appropriate fashion. That's why I participated by running down the street in my underwear while flailing my arms and screaming like a little girl.

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He's b-a-a-a-a-ck
In case anyone cares, Saddam is blogging again.

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----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Someone Should Have Supersized the Ark

----------Oliphant

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New Neighbor
Scientists say they have discovered a tenth planet in our solar system. Our newly found neighbor is located another three billion miles beyond Pluto.

NASA is currently to taking bids from major corporations for the naming rights.

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Frozen Food--NOT
Here's a surprising news story that says frozen lobsters can come back to life.

And boy, are they pissed!!!

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Beware
If your name is Julius Caesar, today would be a good day to stay home.... And avoid your best buddy Brutus.