Judgment Day

A look at some of the events of the past several weeks can only lead to one conclusion: Judgment Day is upon us.

No, no. I don't mean the Judgment Day from the Bible. Please. Give me some credit. I'm more likely to start quoting excerpts from the Harry Potter books before I start spouting the make-believe stuff from the Bible.

Rather, I'm referring to Judgment Day as defined by the Terminator movies: A rebellion by the very machines mankind has created. Before you doubt me and begin casting doubt on my theories, take a look at the evidence.

First, we have the allegations of unintended acceleration by Toyotas. While some such incidents may be dismissed as human error (oops, wrong pedal kind of stuff), not all of it can be explained away so quickly. There is evidence that there is some sort of glitch in the cars' software that is causing these vehicles to kill their owners.

Then we had the big stock market upheaval a few weeks ago. No one seems quite sure what initially triggered the big sell off, but it's clear that something caused the computers to take over and begin dumping shares by the millions.

And do I need to bring up the BP spill? Sure, it looks like an accident, but was it really? Quite a coincidence that multiple fail-safe devices failed simultaneously. And let's face the ugly truth: By definition, "fail-safe" devices aren't supposed to fail. Something is preventing those various cutoff valves 5000 feet below the ocean's surface to not work properly. Could it be a self-aware malevolent entity contained within the electronics of the fail-safe device?

Finally, have you heard about the out of control communications satellite in orbit over Earth at this very moment? Yes, a satellite intended to broadcast shows back to our TVs has gone more rogue than Sarah Palin ever did. Sure, satellites die all the time. It happens. But at least when they die, they're never heard from again.

What's most bizarre about this latest technological marvel run amok is that while scientists on Earth have lost control of its orbit, it continues to transmit TV signals like any normal satellite would be expected to do. The danger is that as it drifts pasts normally functioning satellites, it may override their signals, creating havoc on Earth just as Sookie takes off her top on the next episode of "True Blood."

What's next? Nuclear missiles launching themselves? Mr. Coffees lacing our morning brews with arsenic? I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm moving to the sewers where it's safe.

Why I Don't Believe in Cupboards

Making the Best of a Bad Situation

BP's new public relations campaign leaves a little something to be desired.

Oil's Well That Ends Well

Good news!! The Coast Guard has finally removed 10,000 gallons of oil from a ship that wrecked in Alaska in 1952.

Let's see.... 59 years to clean up 10,000 gallons.... If such efficiency can be demonstrated in the efforts to clean up the four million gallons spilled thus far in the BP accident, that should be cleaned up in, um, damn, my calculator only goes up to eight digits.

Having It Both Ways

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal and other Republican governors along the Gulf coast are criticizing what they see as the Federal government's slow response to the Big Spill.

Hmmm.... NOW they suddenly want a strong central government? What happened to all that crap about states rights? Even worse, doesn't the expectation that the government is somehow supposed to step in and clean up a mess created by private industry amount to--GASP!--SOCIALISM!?!?!?

Or is socialism bad only when it's someone ELSE that needs government help?