Sunday, May 01, 1994

Historic elections conclude in South Africa. Despite spending millions of his own money, Ross Perot loses to Nelson Mandela.
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May 3
Two former Arkansas state troopers claim they were ordered to furnish boxer shorts to then Governor Clinton.

The White House denies the allegations.
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May 5
Michael Fayes's sentence is carried out in Singapore. Surgeons struggle for nine hours to reattach his severed buttocks.
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May 6
The "Chunnel," connecting England and France, officially opens. Stunned by this sudden, unexpected development, the French government issues an immediate and unconditional surrender.

And in Las Vegas, John Bobbitt is arrested following a domestic dispute with his girlfriend. A strip search reveals that all his parts are present.
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May 7

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May 8
George Peppard goes on his last A-Team mission.
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May 9
Former Vice President Dan Quayle's book Standing Firm is published. It proves to be a political hot potatoe.
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May 10
A devastating solar eclipse sweeps across much of the nation, uprooting trees and destroying mobile home parks not properly protected by #14 smoked welders glass.
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May 13
Mattel's test marketing program of the Nancy Kerrigan doll proves to be a dismal failure. It seems that small children were terrified of its large teeth.
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May 15
Researchers announce a link between smoking and colorectal cancer. In response, the Surgeon General recommends that cigarettes only be smoked orally.
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May 17
In a bold move signaling a new no-nonsense attitude in American foreign policy, the Clinton administration threatens Haiti's ruling military junta with litigation.
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May 19
After eight seasons, LA Law slams its trunk lid for the last time.

Jackie Onassis. gets back together with her first husband.
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May 21
Marion Barry announces his candidacy for DC mayor, saying he deserves another "crack" at the job.
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May 23

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May 25
TRUE--Evelyn Geffers of San Angelo, Texas, had long been terrified of hospitals. Consequently, she kept delaying the removal of a benign ovarian tumor. When it was finally removed today, the 15 year old growth weighed 156 pounds.
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May 26
Lisa Marie Presley marries Michael Jackson.

In an apparently unrelated story, guards at Elvis' Graceland grave at report strange sounds from underground, best described as "someone rolling over."
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May 27
After five seasons together, Arsenio Hall and the posse ride off into the sunset.
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May 29
The 78th running of the Indianapolis 500 is marred by a sex scandal after several drivers are arrested for blowing their engines.
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May 30
Evelyn Geffers' tumor appears on Geraldo.
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May 31
Congressman Dan Rostenkowski is indicted on a variety of charges related to House Post Office scandal. In a move expected to hurt his defense, the Illinois democrat attempts to post bail with 75,000 first class stamps.