......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 2
Finally putting rumors to rest, Lisa Marie Presley confirms that she and Michael Jackson were secretly married on May 25. She says they look forward to building a large family since "Michael really seems to like kids."
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 3
In a rare triple header, Arkansas carries out three executions in one night, putting a severe strain on the state's power grid.
Despite last minute appeals from President Clinton, prison officials decline to add Paula Jones to the lineup.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 4
The nation's political landscape is thrown into total disarray when Howard Stern withdraws from the New York gubernatorial race.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 8
Tonya Harding is upset when Penthouse publishes several nude photographs of her. She whacks Bob Guccionne on the knee.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 11
O.J. Simpson undergoes surgery at an LA hospital. While strapped to his gurney, the former football star turned enraged homicidal maniac leads police on a wild low speed chase through the hospital's corridors.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 12
Baseball strikes out.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 13
In a surprising turn of events, France actually shows some backbone when its agents arrest notorious terrorist Carlos the Jackal. He had been living in the Middle East under the assumed name of Carlos the Flesh Eating Bacteria.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 14
In a beautiful performance the Three Tenors upstage the band Nine Inch Nails at Woodstock '94. Unfortunately, several spectators are killed when Pavarotti dives into the mosh pit.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 15
The National Enquirer reports that Elvis, having heard who his daughter married, has finally died.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 17
The Capital Beltway turns 30. A planned birthday bash is is canceled when the guests get hung up in traffic.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 19
The Clinton administration, in an effort to prove ti means business in Haiti, threatens to revoke the ruling military junta's Price Club membership.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 21
The British royal family is again rocked by scandal as Di is accused of repeatedly calling an acquaintance and asking if he has Prince Albert in a can.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 22
In Honolulu an elephant goes berserk at a circus and kills two trainers. A spokesman explains that Roseanne was still upset over her breakup with Tom Arnold.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 23
In LA Todd Lawrence is convicted of stalking Madonna and repeatedly peeking through her windows in an attempt to catch a rare glimpse of the star fully clothed.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 24
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 25
A group of kids in Belle Glade, Florida discover mercury in an abandoned van. By the time they're done playing with it, several hundred people and the entire neighborhood must undergo decontamination procedures.
Meanwhile, astronomers are at a loss to explain how the planet ended up in the back of a van to begin with.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 27
DNA test results on the glove found at O.J.'s house indicate that it's the one Michael Jackson lost several years ago.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 28
In Brownsville, Texas a man mowing his lawn accidentally hits a nest and is swarmed by thousands of Africanized killer flesh eating bacteria.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 29
The Wonderbra makes its US debut. Madonna begins hording them.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
August 31
A judge in LA sentences Todd Lawrence to stalk Roseanne.
