Despite spending millions of his own money, Ross Perot comes in third.
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July 3
Former President Jimmy Carter meets with North Korean leader Kim Il Jung in an effort to diffuse the ongoing nuclear crisis.
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July 4
DNA testing provides conclusive evidence that George Washington is NOT the father of our country.
Betsy Ross drops her paternity suit.
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July 5
Preliminary hearings on the O.J. Simpson case begin. Today's star witness is Kato Kaelin, with testimony from the Green Hornet expected tomorrow.
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July 8
Kim Il Jung dies unexpectedly. North Korean authorities seek Jimmy Carter for questioning after he is spotted driving a slow moving bloodstained Ford Bronco toward the demilitarized zone.
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July 9
O.J. Simpson turns 47. Surprisingly, no one will give him a knife to cut the cake.
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July 10
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July 11
A study concludes that Washington, DC has the worst postal service in the nation. The 1989 report would have been released sooner, except that it got lost in the mail.
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July 14
Don King is indicted on charges of insurance fraud, which causes his hair to fall down.
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July 16
Jose Carreras, Placido Domingo, and Luciano Pavarotti--billed as The Three Tenors--perform at Dodger Stadium. However, this show is merely a warm-up for their expected appearance at next month's Woodstock '94.
Also today, chunks from the comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 begin colliding with Jupiter. Startled astronomers discover several tractor trailer loads of undelivered mail beneath the planet's murky atmosphere.
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July 18
The Clinton administration, in a sign that its patience with Haiti is wearing thin, threatens to shut off the military jenta's HBO service.
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July 20
It's the 20th anniversary of the first moonwalk. Michael Jackson, busy with a slumber party involving a dozen 12 year old boys, which is perfectly normal behavior for an adult, is unable to participate in ceremonies marking the event.
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July 22
Providing further evidence that Hollywood has run out of original ideas, a new Lassie movie hits the theaters. This time American's favorite collie faces a moral dilemma: Save Timmy from drowning in that damn pond yet again, or disarm a nuclear warhead threatening New York.
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July 25
A new study released by the Surgeon General reveals that smoking is the nation's leading cause of statistics.
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July 26
Mick Jagger turns 51. Though he still can't get no stinkin' satisfaction, time is on his side, yes it is.
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July 27
The health care debate turns nasty when, during a debate in the Senate, Hillary Clinton whacks Bob Dole on the knee with a gavel.
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July 30
Michael Jordan stuns the sports world when he hits his very first home run. He ends up dunking home plate.
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July 31
Astronomers announce that several comet chunks are on a collision course with Pluto. In response to the threat, Disney World is evacuated.
