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April 3
After 37 years with the network and 15 years as host of CBS' Sunday Morning, Charles Kuralt retires from TV to pursue a baseball career.
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April 4
It's opening day for what promises to be a glorious baseball season, and Shannen Doherty is on hand to throw out her first husband.
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April 6
In a brilliant move that is sure to help them win lots of games in the coming season, the Redskins tell Art Monk to go out for a pass and not come back.
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April 8
Kurt Cobain achieves Nirvanna.
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April 9
Toys R Us admits to illegally reselling nuclear warheads after much of Chicago is obliterated by a six year old named Calvin. The only other survivor of the massive fireball is a stuffed tiger.
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April 10
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April 12
NASA launches a new advanced weather satellite. After a few months of testing, scientists expect it to provide us with "better forecasting, ealier warnings of tornadoes, more accurate tracking of hurricanes, and the ability to peek through Sharon Stone's windows."
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April 13
The Redskins sack Mark Rypien.
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April 14
In Singapore, Michael Faye suffers a nervous breakdown when the guy in the next cell plays Devo's "Whip It."
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April 15
Mattel announces it will soon market a Nancy Kerrigan doll. When you hit its knee, it will scream "WHY ME? WHY ME?"
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April 18
Roseanne Arnold files for divorce from husband Tom Arnold. It is unclear how this move will effect the other 57 people the couple is married to.
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April 19
Bill Clinton holds a televised Q & A session with 200 high school and college students during which he is asked whether he wears boxers or briefs. "Usually biefs," says the Prez.
Afterwards he invites several coeds back to DC to prove it.
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April 20
The boxer shorts industry demands an apology from the White House.
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April 21
The White House issues a statement that while the President usually wears briefs, he actually prefers the "freedom of boxers." This prompts howls of protest from the briefs industry.
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April 22
We won't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore.
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April 23
While denying that he is motivated by partisan politics, Senator Bob Dole appears on Meet the Press to announce he wears boxers.
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April 24
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April 25
TRUE--Astronomers announce that they have discovered the first solid evidence of planets outside our solar system. The planets are in orbit around a pulsar known as PSR1257+12 located 1500 light years from Earth.
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April 26
Disney announces plans to build "Disney's Galxy" on one of the planets orbitting PSR1257+12.
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April 29
President Clinton asks the government of Singapore to reduce Michael Faye's punishment. In his appeal, Clinton denounces caninig as cruel and barbaric, "unless it's done to Sam Donaldson."
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April 30
During an emotional debate on the Senate floor, Ted Kennedy announces, between hiccups, that he doesn't wear underwear.
