There are those who suspect he's actually a mole still on the Cowboys' payroll.
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February 2
Punxsutawny Phil the groundhog emerges from the ground and sees his shadow, signaling another six weeks of winter. The hopeful crowd, weary of snow, ice, below zero windchills, and rolling blackouts turns into an ugly mob and storms the clueless rodent's burrow. Lorena Bobbitt suddenly shows up, and Phil is soon shishkabob.
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February 4
President Clinton lifts the 19 year old trade embargo against Vietnam. Oliver Stone condemns the move as part of a sinister conspiracy and promises to expose it as such in his next movie.
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February 7
UPS increases its maximum weight per package to 150 lbs. John Bobbitt welcomes the news, saying he'll use UPS the next time he needs to ship parts.
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February 8
Lorena accuse John of "wishful thinking."
Meanwhile, in L.A., Jack Nicholson takes up windshield golfing while sitting at a red light.
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February 10
Jack Kent Cooke announces he's leaving Marlena and building a new wife in Laurel, MD.
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February 11
Today's weather forecast is for a winter mix of snow, sleet, and rain. The DC area instead gets a trail mix of peanuts, raisins, sunflower seeds, and those dried up banana slices. Meteorologists blame it on a shipping error.
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February 12
The 1994 Winter Olympics gets underway in Li'l Abner, Norway. The US is heavily favored to win several gold medals, especially in the newly created "Breaking Your Opponent's Kneecaps" competition.
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February 13
A National Association of Meteoroloists SWAT team cancels a commando raid to free Willard Scott. Despite hours of planning, the best they could agree on was a 60% chance of success with partial clearing in the afternoon.
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February 14
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February 15
Tonya Harding departs for the Olympics. The Portland Airport is forced to bring in extra metal detectors to handle her entourage.
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February 16
The Olsen twins complete a 10.1 billion dollar deal to purchase Paramount Entertainment. Afterwards their parents take them out for ice cream.
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February 17
A Current Affair airs a videotape obtained from Greenpeace showing Tonya Harding clubbing baby seals.
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February 18
The US fails to win any medals in the pairs skating competition. Tonya Harding promises to steal one.
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February 19
Coverage of the Olympics continues to be plagued by mysterious, annoying ads in which Dan Rather and Connie Chung speak of their "special relationship" on the CBS vening News.
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February 20
In the Li'l Abner games, an escapee from a DC halfway house wins the gold medal in bailjumping. Curiously, he fails to show up for the awards ceremony.
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February 21
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February 22
FBI agents arrest Aldrich Ames--a CIA employee--on charges of espionage. His superiors at the Agency became suspicious when Ames began showing off his new gold card from Spies R Us.
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February 23
Another attempt by the National Association of Meterologists to free Willard Scott fails when it unexpectedly snows.
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February 24
Dinah Shore goes to see heaven in a Chevrolet.
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February 25
In the Olympic games, it's time for the Women's figure skating finals. Nancy Kerrigan wins the Silver after Tonya Harding becomes confused and ends up clubbing herself in the knee.
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February 28
While appearing in a parade at Disneyworld, Nancy Kerrigan calls the event "corny" and says she feels silly riding on a float.
In a related development, Micky Mouse confides that sometimes, when no one's looking, he likes to feel Goofy.
